Defensive parents - iPads

[Imbarb]

Why do other parents get get defensive whenever I say I don't give my 2 year old an iPad? 🧐

You are right about not letting a two year old on a screen much but the way you said it is condescending.
I hate the way kids are stuck in front of screens from such a young age and think it is detrimental but don't tell anyone in RL unless asked as it sounds like a criticism (which it is!) And no one likes that.

We don’t have an iPad either but I think both of those comments sounded smug / judgmental. So that explains why people are defensive.

Probably the same reason they get judgemental when I say I don't give my dc McDonald's/ sweets- they feel guilty and judged .

@somuchlaundrytowash

Probably the same reason they get judgemental when I say I don't give my dc McDonald's/ sweets- they feel guilty and judged .

And defensive of course

My children didn’t use iPads at that age, but yet I never needed to bring it up in conversation. If you feel people are being defensive then just don’t bring it up.

I shared a conversation with my friend who told me my toddler spoke so well for her age and I replied 'I have nothing to compare it to other than I guess she's not yet glued to an iPad'

I don’t see any correlation between the two?

Op. Did you not know we live in a world where people aren't allowed to judge anything others do anymore?

I have two year old twins. I DO judge my friends who give their children the same age ipads. One friend is always posting pictures of her toddler glued to an ipad while eating her dinner (with her DH alongside glued to his phone) It makes me cringe.

I'd never say anything about it though. I keep it to myself because I don't want to upset my friends.

I feel the second comment particularly can make someone defensive by the use of 'thankfully'. You are implying it is an issue.
DD only likes eating healthy foods thankfully - unhealthy foods are an issue
DS has stopped drinking from a bottle now thankfully - bottles at this age are an issue/pain to make up
If you drop the 'thankfully' then it becomes more of a statement and less of a judgement.
In your first statement, saying 'glued' is judgemental. Does your friend have a child the same age? Because it could come across that you are judging her child for being glued to an Ipad.

Neither of mine (5 and 2) have their own tablet. Using it for short periods is ok, but I know lots of children (through work) who spend hours on it. Of course there are all sorts of reasons why this is necessary, but it is not ideal for young children's communication development. However 20 mins a day alongside attentive parenting is not going to ruin them for life!

You're in the right here OP - it's better for kids to have no screens at age 2.

However, it's understandable that your friends get defensive as you are basically criticising their parenting choices. No one likes that.

The OP fully gets it.

She’s not as stupid as she looks.

She wouldn’t have started the thread if she didn’t get it.

In both the examples given, you have used words that are judgemental. The word "glued" in the first one and "thankfully" in the second. A child can just "use" an iPad for a short while without being "glued" to it you know. Maybe that's why you're getting people's backs up? But I think you're not as dense as you are making out by pretending to find their reactions "bizarre ". There are many aspects of parenting you will disagree on with your friends, so I would try and avoid being judgemental at this stage. It might come and bite you on the bum when your well-spoken, tech-inexperienced 11 year old posts an inappropriate video on the class chat group! 😂

@Imbarb

Everyone calling me smug etc is defensive. This is my point.

I shared a conversation with my friend who told me my toddler spoke so well for her age and I replied 'I have nothing to compare it to other than I guess she's not yet glued to an iPad'

She responded 'what's that supposed to mean'

It meant nothing other than what it said.

Another conversation with a different person when my toddler turned 2, she said 'I got my son N iPad for his Birthday' I said, oh luckily she's not into iPads yet. She replied 'why's that lucky, so you think it's bad?'

Like apparently, wanting your kids to be present is bad because it offends other parents lol.

I've never been smug, what's there to be smug about? It really does trigger so many parents though quote clearly shown in these responses

You've just proven a point about being smug... .

Also, not defensive. Don't even own an iPad but you're very very judgemental.

@LancesGold

Op. Did you not know we live in a world where people aren't allowed to judge anything others do anymore?

I have two year old twins. I DO judge my friends who give their children the same age ipads. One friend is always posting pictures of her toddler glued to an ipad while eating her dinner (with her DH alongside glued to his phone) It makes me cringe.

I'd never say anything about it though. I keep it to myself because I don't want to upset my friends.

Maybe it's the only way she can get her toddler to eat? Have you asked?

You get defensive responses because both of the times you mentioned it were unnecessarily judgemental! Surely you can see this! Neither time did the other parent ASK about your child and iPads. First time, they were complimenting your child’s speech. Appropriate response is just “thank you” or “she’s chatty like her dad” or whatever. Second time they were mentioning their child’s birthday gift. Not asking for your opinion.

FWIW my two year old doesn’t have or use an iPad either. I hadn’t even thought about that fact until reading your thread. Much less ever mentioned it to other parents. There’s nothing inherently wrong with screen time, and I’m afraid you do come across as quite smug.

Haven’t we all spent much of the last yr with everything bar the park being closed- I was wouldn’t judge anyone for not taking their preschoolers to museums and zoos at the moment and surrendering to the odd screen.
Parent how you parent OP and don’t worry about others.

I was right, it was your tone 😂

I think you sounded smug. Dgs talks really well at 22 months, if ever anyone comments to either dd or myself we say "he gets it from his Mummy/Granny/ Auntie etc they never shut up either" We would never consider it being an opportunity to brag about the care that brought about his speech though or to put other people down as that's just mean. FWIW I don't think early speech is down to superior parenting I think it's in the genes. My dc spoke well and early and dgs does too, they all seemed to pick it up with little effort from me.

From what you've written I think the issue is that you're a bit tactless but don't realise it and don't understand why. It's a social skill.

My dd didn't have access to a tablet until about 3 but she has a severe speech disorder.

It's just odd for you to bring up iPads in the context of your friend's compliment. Surely you just say something like "I guess we're just a chatty family" or "I don't know where that has come from!"

@LancesGold

Assuming you haven’t been trying to work throughout the pandemic without any childcare and without nursery closures etc then?

Your last post shows you getting defensive now!

You need to be honest your comments are judgemental, and whilst I don’t know the tone you said them in, that’s how they come across

You don’t know that your friends children are glued to iPads, you are assuming that’s the reason your child speaks better, but you don’t know. Other children could have developmental delays, your child could be naturally bright

A normal response to someone saying your child talks well is thank you, and move on. Not make assumptions. I can see why people get nearly at you, you do think you are superior

I have a 5 ad a 3 year old, neither have an ipad or ever used one and both were early talkers so I think it's fair to say I'd have nothing to feel defensive about and I would still have found your response to the comment on your child's speech as smug and condescending.

@Imbarb I'm guessing you don't have a lot of close friends...

I think you also don’t understand that you can limit the time. Ours had half an hour of screen time while I was cooking dinner.
Having an iPad doesn’t mean ‘glued to it’.

I think you also need a bit of understanding about other people’s situations. Other people have different children/partners etc and may struggle to get simple household tasks down more than you. Perhaps they’re not willing to leave their child crying while they have a shower. Perhaps they have another child. I’m guessing you don’t. Maybe they are just at the end of their limit and it gives them a break so they don’t totally lose it.

ahhh the faux head tilt " whhhyy would anyone think this was directed at your child" rubbish. Claiming to not understand other peoples reactions when you are making a backhanded comment is either a sign of emotional ignorance or the inability to say what you really mean.

My DC did not have any form of electronic device other than a TV limited in time at that age and for a good few years after. I shockingly never experienced anyone being defensive about that...at all. Can't imagine why? Oh ...perhaps ots because I didn't feel the need to point it out every two seconds..

Seriously OP you know exactly why people reacted like that , you just can't see to accept that its not about the Ipad and far more about your behaviour.