About to become a parent to 4 & 5 year old, hints/tips on what to buy?

[Bananahana]

Hi all,

Am about to become a mum to little kiddos via adoption. We’re just getting the house ready and looking for advice on what we need to buy, beyond the obvious of clothes, toys, kids cutlery etc.

Things like - I suspect I’ll need a big day bag rather than my smaller handbag... maybe a water bottle for each child.

What are you hints and tips on what we get?

Eyes in the back of your head!

Babies don't really move much, they gradually change, so just be ready to close that gap and be alert at all times until it becomes natural. Road safety is paramount. I don't know, but maybe your children are from a different country where traffic is different, or on the other side of the road.

And teach them manners in case manners are different where they come from. Children need friends and adults who enjoy seeing them, so manners will serve them well.

Exercise, social opportunities, nutrition (what they like to eat might be best to start with) and a comfortable bed to sleep in.

Good luck OP! Keep us updated!

@UnderwaterSymphony

A lot of people are suggesting things for younger children. 4 and 5 years olds to not need cutlery and toilet seats designed for 2 years. Please don't baby them as it will not help them develop and it will not help them integrate with their peers in school.

I would steer clear of the paddling pool as well - adopted children are more likely to come with trauma and traumatised children take longer to learn about danger.

Do you have a local toy library OP? They would be a good shout, and you can borrow rather than buy.

Look into toy rotation ideas as well.

I’m going to have to very much disagree with this.

It is incredibly important that LAC are treated as their developmental age, not their chronological age. Meeting a childs needs is not babying them, a person who picks and chooses which needs of a child to meet and which to ignore is not a suitable parent.

A toy library also isn’t a good idea for LAC due to the fact that for many LAC children things and possessions provide comfort. Toys being sent back/thrown away when the child isn’t really can cause huge problems as you’re removing another layer of their safety blanket.

A paddling pool is fine if there is a garden.

Play doh or kinetic sand are quite good calming activities when everything’s a bit overwhelming. If you’re buying kinetic sand, buy the real stuff, not knock off. Play doh doesn’t matter, but it does make a difference with the sand.

The sistema water bottles are the best we’ve tried so far.

@Anyoldtime

Night lights/lamps. Calpol/Neurofen. Plasters (characters preferably). Paper/colouring books/pens/paints/brushes. Books. More underwear and pjs than you anticipate needing. Batteries for toys (easier to bulk buy these). Carseats. Scooters/bikes. Plastic cups/waterbottles/lunchboxes/small cutlery sets. Football Outdoor rainproof jackets/trousers/dungarees/wellies.

Watch for sharp corners/edges (you can buy foam to stick on to these).
Make sure bedroom windows can't be opened too far.
Put sharp knives/lighters/matches/household tools e.g screwdrivers are high up in a secure place.
Make sure washing machine/dishwasher tablets/bleach etc are out of reach.
Safely plug covers for electrical sockets.
Remove any keys from internal doors e.g. bathrooms.
If you have blinds, cut off any loops. They will still be usable.
Rugs on top of tiles.
A bath mat so they can sit down without slipping. Bath toys and bubble bath.
Children's hairbrushes/shampoo and sensitive skin shower cream and moisturiser.
Facecloths.
A couple of extra pillows for your own bed :)

Huge congratulations.

In the UK, plug safety covers are not recommended, unless they are the sort that fits very tightly over the entire socket moulding leaving a totally smooth surface. The sort that have a pin holding them into the three point socket are dangerous. UK sockets have a built in safety system.

My brother adopted a 3 and 5 yr old last year and the things above all else he said helped the bonding and they loved, was their own towel and matching flannel, pyjamas and a special teddy. Before the children went into care there was no routine so they just slept as and when often on the floor and never in pyjamas and they never knew the comfort of a a bath. My bro says these things to them are now so important and they just love a snuggle in pyjamas. I wish you all the luck in the world adoption is very hard but so rewarding - due to the pandemic I have only seen my niece and nephew once and my brother has struggled because of all the restrictions. 3 months after the adoption they almost gave up because the older one was becoming very rejecting of her new parents. 14 months on and although extremely hard work and having to work through lots of attachment issues it is all going well.

Thank you

For everything from toiletries, toothpaste, shower gel, washing powder, nappies, ask the foster carer and get the same so things smell familiar.

I’m not but thank you so much, everyone on this thread is just the best!!

OP and everyone else on this thread who is adopting or has adopted, it's a wonderful thing you are doing

A decent water bottle is a definite. I got mine vinyl transfer decals with their names on for their bottles. I love the scrapbook idea with everyone's photos and names, including theirs :) maybe create a basket on amazon of ideas and let them look with you (stops them asking for things well out of price range) and let them choose some toys and books? Delivered to their name at your address so they're getting post. Ask relatives to post them little notes or pictures at your address - again, delivering to their name at your address might help them feel like they belong. I would get them both a nice rucksack, mine like to pack theirs with a book, snack, water bottle etc for when we go in the car.

Wet wipes, nice bubble bath, pump top hand soap for the bathrooms (bars of soap don't give much lather quickly for impatient little hands).

Maybe leave their rooms quite plain and tell them they can choose how to decorate? My 5 yo chose Harry Potter and had a lot of fun choosing accessories to match his theme :)

Congratulations!

Your comment had really made me smile, thank you

Congratulations. I would definitely say books. There is a story for every type of child and every type of occasion/ situation. I would let them choose (within reason) their own bottles/backpacks. Nice way to bond and stretch their independence.

Let us know how you are doing OP (when you get 5 minutes!)

Totally agree with everyone who has talked about developmental age. Some kids even want to be carried and held more as part of working things out. Amazing that sometimes they just know almost instinctively what is needed to fill those gaps in their nurture.

And teach them manners in case manners are different where they come from. Children need friends and adults who enjoy seeing them, so manners will serve them well.
Honestly the very last thing you should be caring about at this stage is manners. These children will be utterly terrified - as you would be if someone lifted you from your home, put you somewhere else with new people and told them they were your mum and dad. Survival mode often isn’t polite.

I’d be prepared to spend a lot of time at home or at local parks. Find out what they’ll come with (we had tonnes of stuff - seriously, a shed full of stuff much of which was dirty or broken but theirs. We bought furniture and essentials (kids first aid kit was essential- we used plasters and antiseptic cream constantly). We had a lot of books for bedtime but didn’t buy toys and games for a while, in the early days they wanted their familiar toys etc so we’ve replaced them as we went. Same with clothes, they came with lots of clothes so we held off until they needed school clothes.

Good luck, exciting times ahead. I know you’ve posted in adoption so I’ll post more specific adoption advice there.

*Do you have a local toy library OP? They would be a good shout, and you can borrow rather than buy.

Look into toy rotation ideas as well.*
I’d steer clear of toy libraries - my two are very very attached to toys and wouldn’t understand the concept of borrowing and returning, they’ve had too many losses to be getting their heads round toys disappearing too.

Toy rotation is also likely to be very tricky, my two wanted their own familiar things around them - all of them. It was important they could get their own things whenever they wanted them and in fairness it was the one little bit of control they had in the situation.

Don’t expect strategies that non-adoptive parents use to work for your kids, always have an eye to the amount of loss, change, trauma they’ve experienced and the shame that goes with it. So no reward charts, time out, “traffic light” behaviour systems at school, no removing things as punishment, always focus on building relationship not managing/controlling their behaviour.

Hope all goes well for you!
I find children this age love a disco, lights music and dancing
Good Luck!

Don’t expect strategies that non-adoptive parents use to work for your kids,

Very much this!

Don't get them too much. Maybe take them shopping or browse online and let them choose???

@drspouse

Don’t expect strategies that non-adoptive parents use to work for your kids,

Very much this!

Yep!

Find out what their favourite colour is at intros (hopefully both children don't say the same colour!). Buy sets of towels, sheets, cups, mugs, plates, cutlery, etc in these two colours so each child knows what is theirs. For things that you can't buy in these colours and need to be the same, a little fabric tag sewn on in that colour will help.

Toy rotation is also likely to be very tricky, my two wanted their own familiar things around them - all of them. It was important they could get their own things whenever they wanted them and in fairness it was the one little bit of control they had in the situation.

Just to be clear when I suggested toy rotation upthread, I absolutely DIDN'T mean anything they bring with them! That's theirs and they should have access whenever they want them. I meant boxed activities you buy - marble run, jigsaws, specific lego or playmobil sets, messy play kits, that sort of thing.

OP, something else I forgot - get them a doll each! Unless they already have their own. A baby doll is a good way for children to work through their emotions. It's fine to praise and gentle, loving behaviour they express with them, but don't stop them from being aggressive towards them if they need to be, just ignore it. Better the doll they're hitting and shouting at than you or each other!

So many congratulations!

As well as the above, you will need a lot of waterproof and thermal clothing for both the children and yourselves - at this age they need to burn off a lot of energy and it’s least messy if it happens outdoors.

You’ll also need a washing machine with a big drum capacity - 8kg or 10kg. It’ll be running every single day. If you have room, get a tumble dryer. Processing the amount of laundry at this age is quite a job.

Lots of children’s activities have long waiting lists - football, Brownies, music lessons etc. Get their names down now. If you’re even just toying with the idea of private schools, get registered now as adoptive children don’t have preferential places as they do in state schools.