About to become a parent to 4 & 5 year old, hints/tips on what to buy?

[Bananahana]

Hi all,

Am about to become a mum to little kiddos via adoption. We’re just getting the house ready and looking for advice on what we need to buy, beyond the obvious of clothes, toys, kids cutlery etc.

Things like - I suspect I’ll need a big day bag rather than my smaller handbag... maybe a water bottle for each child.

What are you hints and tips on what we get?

Nightlight for their bedroom - most kids don't sleep in the dark but have nightlight on all night
Child's Toilet seat
Little step for toilet/sink
Children's shampoo
Bubble bath
Some bath toys - plastic ocean animals/ plastic mermaids etc
Something to pour water onto their hair to wash it
Hooded towel each
Water bottles x2 each
Miracle 360 cups (no spills) x2 each
Plastic plates and bowls
Children's cutlery
Bed wetting sheet for under sheet (absorbs any accidents)
Fleece blanket
Soft toy
CBeebies channel on tv or netflix children
Crayons
Paper - a3
Colouring books
Pens
Paint
Craft sets
Play dough with some cutters/ rolling pin
Sticker books
Picture books
Lego/ duplo set
2 duvet sets per child
Wellies
Rain proof clothing
Toys based on their interests eg dinosaurs/ dolls/ cars/ unicorns
Slippers

I would recommend A trampoline or a peanut ball for in the house. My 4 uear old (with additional needs) loves to bounce when overwhelmed & needs to self regulate and having both of these items has saved my poor sofa!

I agree with the suggestion to speak to the foster carer. My kids would definitely not have used step stools or kids toilet seat at age 4 and 5 but presumably things like that depend a lot on height etc. Don’t buy traditional plastic sheets, get the woven polypropylene ones that don’t sweat or crinkle. They are definitely worth while even if they’re not regular bed wetters. Have a look at the kids section on IKEA they have great and cheap kids cutlery and plastic plates and beakers. Plus colouring, tea sets and stacking cups which different sized holes for the bath. All colourful and inexpensive

I just remembered DS had a little teddy with his initial on, you could get them one each of those.

A lot of people are suggesting things for younger children. 4 and 5 years olds to not need cutlery and toilet seats designed for 2 years. Please don't baby them as it will not help them develop and it will not help them integrate with their peers in school.

I would steer clear of the paddling pool as well - adopted children are more likely to come with trauma and traumatised children take longer to learn about danger.

Do you have a local toy library OP? They would be a good shout, and you can borrow rather than buy.

Look into toy rotation ideas as well.

Congratulations, OP!

I’m adoptive mum to a four year old and a two year old.

You’ve had loads of good suggestions on the thread so I won’t add to the shopping list!

I just wanted to say that kids this age will have a LOT of their own stuff from foster care and they’ll be bringing it with them.

Try to make contact with the foster career and make a list with her of what they have and then take it from there.

They’ll want some new things that are just special to you and your house but their existing stuff is going to be really important to them.

Lots and lots of luck and best wishes.

Congratulations!

So many great ideas, just to add and agree with a couple:

children's plasters (paw patrol always popular)
child's farm is great kids bath stuff
sticker books
waterproof table covering for craft/art
dinosaur / animal toy set
Julia Donaldson books are very good and most children enjoy them
night light / wake up clock

Best of luck!

You've had a lot of good advice and I'd second keeping it to the basics until you know what they like. I know it wasn't asked for but my one piece of advice as a fellow adoptive parent is to join all the Facebook groups for adoptive parents (my favourite is the national association of therapeutic parents) in advance so you have somewhere to ask the many questions that will arise through the first few weeks. Having contact with people who had been through it would have been so helpful for me at the beginning and even now it's vital support. I wish you a peaceful transition - and even if it's not peaceful it will be worth it. Congratulations.

Fantastic thing you’re doing OP. I would do loads and loads and loads of research on attachment disorder.

I would go for outdoor toys to keep them busy over summer, bikes, scooters, climbing frame, swing, slide, sandpit. Toys like Lego, jigsaw puzzles, drawing pads, washable felt tips, crayons, kiddie scissors, craft bits eg stencils, stampers, paints, lots of childrens reading books. Backpacks, water bottles, swim and bath toys. O would wait and let them choose own favourite characters on some things, unicorns etc.

Some lovely suggestions on here. As with a new baby don’t overspend on a lot of crap you end up not using, just get enough for them to be happy and comfortable on their first night and anything else can be bought after. And don’t assume interests / colour choices based on their gender as they may well surprise you! I feel really excited on your behalf Those are lovely ages (but prepare yourself for the occasional tantrum for another few years!)

Something I’ve just bought for my DGD - a car seat ( or booster) check what size seat you need for their age.
Wishing you all the very best!

At that age we had a couple of those family toilet seats, and a step. Also a cosy blanket and cushion each to help them feel snuggled on the sofa? Balls for the garden, electric toothbrushes, some crafty things that you can do together that means you can spend time together but without pressure. Personalised aprons for cooking, plus some children's knives for cutting and easy recipes ready in a folder?

Nothing sensible to add about kit (though the baby monitors have proved a good buy for some adoptive parents I know) but just so happy for you and for them.

Remember even times when it feels like things have 'gone all wrong' and you're crying, they are crying. you're in A&E with a peanut stuck up somebody's nose (we have all been there) maybe especially then - those 'bad times' are as much the bonding times as the good times snuggling on a sofa.

That's when any child - however they have come into your life - knows you're there for them all the time, for always.

Embrace it all. Be their rock. Good luck.

PS. Glad you found Mumsnet.

It's certainly saved my sanity many many times.

Congratulations!!
Looks like you've got some fab lists here, I've had a look through but couldn't see anything about kiddies nail clippers. My 4 year old freaks out anytime I try to cut his toenails so I've got some of the round ended baby nail scissors & a little nail file that makes it slightly easier.
Something else we have that my 4 year old loves is a Tonie box, it may be better as a birthday present for the future but it plays audio books & you can also buy figures that you can load your own recordings on to & get others to add recordings too via an app or online.
A good waterproof mattress protector, child safe knifes/utensils so they can help with dinner prep etc, my DS loves to help me make dinner and he loves having his own knife he uses to cut up veg!

Playgrounds are your best friend.

@UnderwaterSymphony

A lot of people are suggesting things for younger children. 4 and 5 years olds to not need cutlery and toilet seats designed for 2 years. Please don't baby them as it will not help them develop and it will not help them integrate with their peers in school.

I would steer clear of the paddling pool as well - adopted children are more likely to come with trauma and traumatised children take longer to learn about danger.

Do you have a local toy library OP? They would be a good shout, and you can borrow rather than buy.

Look into toy rotation ideas as well.

‘Please don’t baby them’ goes against everything Ive been told from professionals and everything I’ve read regarding parenting adoptive children, especially those with developmental trauma!

Not only does it help build the missing blocks of attachment, but in many cases, it’s necessary simply to meet the children’s needs (my two are nearly 4 and 5, but are emotionally nearer 2 and 3. DD, in particular, has fine motor skill delays and can’t use standard cutlery. They both use a potty).

Also, I back what pp have said about avoiding reward charts and joining adoption support groups. The longer we’ve had our children (adopted as babies) the more aware I am of how our two need a very different type of parenting to the majority of birth children, and this realisation can be quite alienating. I went through a stage of feeling very lonely but meeting fellow adoptive parents has really helped.

Congratulations!

Fancy play doh 'candy delight' and Kimetic Sand 'Sandisfying' sets would both be great. I'm giving the names of two of the favourites but there are loads to choose from! These ones are big hits in our house. Tactile, great for dexterity and really fun for you to join in with! Both encourage lots of chat too.

Also, my two loved play doh and and the sand from age 2 up (now 6, almost 8) so will cover a broad range of ages and abilities.

For you, a nice ladies rucksack. At those ages you don't need a massive day bag but you will need space for drinks, snacks, hats/gloves taken off in winter, etc.

Congratulations to you, how absolutely adorable
Wonderful advice here
Please keep us updated on your two little people

agree with rufus27 - babying them if they allow it can only be a good thing.

toothbrush, kids tooth paste, and spares.

baby shampoo. (no tears)
baby wash for faces
flannels
bubble bath
spare sheets and waterproof mattress and pillow covers (at least two per bed. including spare bed and your bed)
non bio laundry liquid
non slip bathmat

two sick bowls.

thermometer, (ear or forehead) kids medicines (calpol,(at least two bottles, they are tiny bottles and if they are ill you can go through quite a bit over a weekend say) ibuprofen, piriton, anthisan (if for kids that young )cough stuff, anbesol (for teeth) dioralyte) sudocreme. l;ocable medicine cupboard. (sudocreme does not come out of carpets) eye bath
plasters and first aid kit. possibly: worm meds, nit comb and conditioner/lice shampoo (kids catch these at school often, so do the teachers!)
hairbrush each

pull ups, size 6
porta potty for travelling with bags (if you don't use the pull ups they can go in the bottom of this. to soak up wee)
kids gloves, and hats (several pairs the same, gloves disappear)
warm coat needed for school as they are wearing them inside at the moment. ditto gloves and hats. try get some fingerless gloves.

fleecy blankets (supermarket cheap ones work well here.)

memory boxes that they can keep anything from their birth family/foster family in plus any new stuff they may get.

water bottles and lunch box. (they can be spares if they come with their own stuff)

Educational: chubby and thin wax crayons, chubby and thin pencils, pencil sharpeners (metal, double holed, Morrisons) chubby and thin chalks, chalk boards and easel. (would leave the felt tips for later as you learn whether they are writers on the wall or not. pencil is hard enough to get off) coloured paper and card. sugar paper. (tesco used to do it) tissue paper and prit sticks. (leave the pva for now.) (see previous note on sudocreme and carpets) big chubby paintbrushes and buckets for painting the fence.
foam numbers and letters for the bath, bath toys, bottles and cups for pouring, water animals for imaginitive play. a coloured teaset for matching and imaginative play. some toy cars and garage. farm animals. bath books, cloth books and picture books. (recommend any Julia Donaldson, Whos in the loo theres a very long queue? find a couple you don't mind reading a lot. )

other stuff:
lock away tools,

child safety catch for the knife drawer, and cupboards and windows.

plastic cups and mugs.
splash mat for the floor. try dunelm mills for the thick stuff they put on tables.

tissues
baby wipes. (good for getting stuff off the walls. )
kids magazine.

step stool for the bathroom and maybe a kids seat to go on the loo.

anti bac spray for any accidents. mop up milk, wee, etc and them spray with antibac which will stop any smell. mopping up wee: cover with old towel stand on it to soak up wee, spray with antibac.

bars of soap. they get the black school pens out of uniform and various stains out of clothes.

Congratulations- I’m an adoptive parent too, pop on over to the adoption boards when you get a chance!
I wouldn’t buy too much to begin with- have you got a meeting with their foster Carers scheduled? It’s well worth asking what they are likely to come with as it’s often best to (as far as possible) stick with what is familiar to them.
I’d ask what washing powder/softener they are used to and stock up on that, if they have any favourite tv programmes, or dvds, music in the car, bath toys, snacks, nightlight, etc- even what kind of water bottles, plates and cutlery, toothpaste, bath stuff and shampoo they are used to. I replicated as much as I could especially in the early months where so much is new. Anything familiar ( particularly sensory stuff hence my obsession with the scented stuff!) can help them to feel safe and secure whilst they are getting used to new home, parent/s, school, pets, etc etc
Once my daughter became more settled as months went by, I let her choose things.
I also bought bubbles, cotton wool and straws, painting stuff, crayons, paper and simple toys- cars, stacking cups- anything that I could use for Theraplay/ attachment building activities.

I’d also recommend some early reading- these books are great when trying to get your head around therapeutic parenting chikdreh who have had a disrupted start in life
www.amazon.co.uk/Everyday-Parenting-Security-Love-Foundations/dp/1785921150/ref=sr_1_6?dchild=1&crid=3QHE82TRHZZAX&keywords=kim+golding+books&sprefix=Kim+holding+%2Caps%2C158&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1616282827&sr=8-6

www.amazon.co.uk/Creating-Loving-Attachments-Parenting-Confidence-ebook/dp/B00GDJQNNK/ref=sr_1_4?dchild=1&crid=20ACZUT7T7FLH&keywords=dan+hughes+books&sprefix=Dan+huges%2Caps%2C151&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1616282939&sr=8-4

you're in a and e without an apple pip stuck up the nose as the bloody kid sneezed on the way to hospital and you do not have a torch to peer up their nose in the car... or search for the apple pip in the debris they have left on previous trips...

add an extension lead and circuit breaker to your list so you can hoover the car.

play dough is good for finger strength and easier to get out of a carpet than plasticine. (are you sensing a theme here?)