Struggling today with being a SAHM. Anyone want to join in a rant?

[MrsTittleMouse]

OK, so I know I'm being unreasonable, because I have a lovely DD who has gone from being a very hungry baby who wanted lots of interaction and never slept, to a 12 month old who sleeps through the night and "reads" to herself . And DH isn't above doing housework and does the washing up and surfaces if I'm having a bad day (which recently is most days).
BUT, I just feel so isolated and bored at the moment. We're living in a new area, and so I don't know any people. I met one Mum through bumping into her and offering my phone number, so that's good. I joined the NCT and have started getting involved, and I take DD to swimming lessons, but it's really hard to make a one-to-one connection with anyone, especially as most people know each other already, and don't seem to have time for a new friendship. I've had to leave behind the friends I met at antenatal and my old pre-baby friends. And I have my family visit often (usually one visit a week), which is really nice that DD sees her GPS, but makes it harder for me to socialise.
I've already had an AIBU rant about DH having Christmas parties and work socialising, but I don't think he realises how lonely it is to not talk to anyone ALL DAY. He's mentioned a work collegue and his wife who sound as though they have stuff in common with us, and I've begged him to invite them round, but he keeps telling me that the time isn't right.
I've told DH that I'm struggling, and he comes home and does housework, but in martyr mode, and if things are a bit tense between us, he just clams up and makes sure that if I'm watching TV, he's on the computer (different room) or vice versa, so I don't even get to talk to him then!
I've tried so hard to be pro-active about meeting people, and striking up conversations etc., but it's taking ages to make any proper friends and I just feel so isolated and lonely. Anyone else dealing with this?

no the same no, but i feel for you.

Pent up, and bored, and lonely -yes!!!

tired and lving a kind of thankless existance --yes!!!

it will get better, it must, it shall.

I felt like this and to be honest, it was only really solved by me going back to work.

You need to get out of the house as much as possible. Your health clinic will havea list of all the M&T groups in the area, try them all till you find one that suits you. Also, go to nearby parks and playgrounds - your DD will love the fresh air and is big enough to be pushed on a kiddie swing and crawl around if it's dry.
Also, why not have a think about starting a little busines, something like Avon or Usborne or one of the other party-plan things? This is a good way of getting to talk to local people, particularly if you're a bit shy, because you have an excuse to start a conversation and make contact.
Good luck, the isolation is a bit grim when you're on your own with a small child.

Erm...this may sound a bit strange, but if you can pluck up the courage to speak to other people who are on their own (which you clearly can)...a Library can be a great place to meet people - and they sometimes have little groups that your lo can go to with you (or perhaps when she's older). My dd is also loving reading to herself too btw - look at my photos .

Speaking of her - am just off to feed her, so goodnight - hope it's a useful suggestion anyway.

Thanks for the replies. DD hates being indoors, so we go to the park, usually twice a day (!). She loves the swings, and the fresh air helps her sleep. We have a local library too, and I've tried the story time, but she's a little bit young, although on rainy days we go there and I read to her myself. I tried a music group too, and although she had fun, I don't think she's old enough yet to make the most of it.
To be honest, I think that we're all so busy, and most people don't have time for the friends that they already have. Why would they take on another one?
(PS love the "reading" photo )

Could you sign up for an evening class, or join a local gym? Both good ways of striking up a possible friendship with another mum or two.
The friendships will be based on 'you' rather than being a 'mum'. Have a look online at whats available in your local area. And people are always ready for more friendships

I don't know how any parents can bear to be at home. Why not go back to full time work and enjoy the fun bits of being a mother too? I think that's the best way for most parents.

Being home with a small child is just generically boring and you do the same things again and again. Most people don't do it 24/7. Most people male or female work or if they can afford it don't work and pay someone to help out with it. It's just a dull job and best avoided if you want to maintain your sanity.

MrsTittleMouse - if you don't enjoy being a SAHM, then why don't you go back to work, at least part time? I certainly wouldn't be a SAHM if I didn't enjoy it.

Good old Xenia ! (shouldn't you be at work ??)

TBH I could have written your post a few years ago.. it does get better, but it does take time to click with new people

Persist with the NCT, try out the M and T groups, is there a coffee shop at the swimming pool .. perhaps suggest to one of the mums going for one after

Once dd is at pre school you'll be knee deep in the dreaded playdate (with 2 kids I have 4 this week .. all included coffee/wine with the mums!)

Madamez's suggestion about Avon is excellent.. my sister does this and now knows her whole street and beyond

HTH

Don't beat yourself up too much.
I used to feel a failure that I don't really have any 'mum' friends.
The best friend I made at M&T was actually a nanny!
The friends I see socially are still the ones I used to work with and my oldest friends that I have to travel to see.
Sometimes there is too much emphasis on having this network of coffee friends for SAHMs when sometimes it just isn't happening!

Sorry, you know how rants are; I like hanging out with DD, but I miss adult company. It's not the childcare I have the issues with, it's the fact that we don't know anyone here, and that it's hard to make friends. Coupled with being a SAHM, that's why I'm lonely.
Going back to work isn't an option right now. On top of the fact that I would miss all the things that DD is doing now, I have no family near here to cover childcare, and I'm having complicated fertility treatment in less than 3 months, so hopefully I will have another DB next year. I don't feel comfortable going to an employer and pretending that I'm up for work when I know that I would have to take a chunk of time of for the fertility treatment, and then maternity leave (hopefully!).

You have my full sympathies, the thing I struggle most with is the day just seems so long and then when DP gets home I talk a mile a minute to make up for talking about DC stuff all day

Well I'm certainly another mum who doesn;t have a network of mum friends: don't have that much in commoon with a lot of the mums at M&T groups, but stay sane by keeping in touch with my pre-baby friends.
I think you also need to get one evening or afternoon a week at least to do something by yourself, without your DD, so you get some adult conversation (evening classes, campaign groups even. Have a look in whatever local paper you get for clubs, societies, events etc and see what appeals).

I've joined a running club. We meet at 7pm 2 nights a week, so DH has to do bedtimes, which is good for everyone and on the runs, its rabbit rabbit rabbit all the way. Also means he has to be home by 6:30 on those days, or his life in in danger

You might not want to run with prospective pregancy (good luck), but we also have a walking group and a run walk group, for the less fit or energetic. I found our group by googling running clubs and went on my own. Everyone is v. friendly.

I'm in a similar situation. We moved when I was pregnant a couple of years ago and I made tons of new friends through ante natal classes, mother and baby groups etc. So when we moved again a couple of months ago I thought it would be easy to do it all over again. But like you I've found it hasn't been - friendships are more established and although the people I meet at toddler groups are friendly none of them seem desperate to make a new friend.

I alternate between being wildly proactive (joining everything and bouncing up to people at M&T saying 'hi, I'm new here can I talk to you?') and lonely and apathetic. At the moment I'm feeling fairly upbeat. I've decided to join all the local societies I can think of (try library for book groups for example). Also don't feel bad about joining things for your benefit rather than your DD - she needs a happy mummy so if you think you might make some new friends at music class it doesn't matter if she doesn't get a huge amount out of it so long as it's not making her miserable.

My other top tip is to get a baby sitter and go out with your DH. We put an ad on gumtree and found a great woman who works as a nanny and was looking for some extra cash. I find that we can end up watching TV/on the computer/reading all night - going out makes us talk. We also try to have cards night one night a week where we play cards and listen to music. it doesn't deal with not having other friends, but it does mean we are spending time talking to each other.

I keep telling myself it will get better and that this is just a stage. Several people have said that the thing that helped them make new friends was either having another baby or their child starting pre-school. Suddenly there is a whole group of mums in the same boat again.

Have just logged on to post a message very similar to yours.... Can I just say - I know how you feel - just got back from a swimming lesson and m&t group and I feel really down - I just can't get past very basic chit chat and am not making any 'come round for coffee' friends. Feeling really isolated espec. with v. sensitive toddler and being 24 wks pg. I am hoping it will all pick when dd starts pre-school and can make her own friends and then at least I'll have some connection with other mums. It is reassuring to know that I'm not alone though

Where abouts are you MTM??

I must admit i feel like this at times as well. I have a ds whos 18 months and im 34 weeks pg with ds2 so im on maternity leave.
It has been getting me down lately, especially as dp thinks i can do what i want when im off but thats not always the case.
He goes to football through the week and on a sunday and when he's not doing that he's on his computer.

He doesnt realise that i need some kind of adult conversation or company.
What annoys me more is that mil and sil live really close and neither of them come along or ask me to do anything, but when ds2 comes they will never be away

But none of that is appealing at all to some people - even if you get into chit chat with other mothers it doesn't mean it's interesting or has a point to it. It's just boring filling of time when you could fulfilling a useful role in the business world or curing patients or whatever work people do. There's just a gross pointlessness to day in day out childcare I've never understood how men and women tolerate it. And of course men do it too - there's an article in today's times about the 200,000 UK house husbands as well. Another problem I would have is that I prefer men to women - can't imagine how awful it would be to socialise with women all day. Oh dear and yes I should be working not on here. Bad me.

I've struggled to make mum-friends too and I've lived here two years now. This year I started going to a pilates class and putting my youngest dd in the creche. I also volunteer one evening per week. I find that having those two things, which put me in the presence of people other than mums with young children, keep me sane throughout the week.

Perhaps find something to do with your DD that you have to pay for termly, like a music group or swimming class. That way you see the same faces and tend to get chatting more easily.

dos chit hcat need to haev a point to it
most of this stuff deont yet you still find time X

"can't imagine how awful it would be to socialise with women all day."

so she comes to MUMSNEt

arf

cod where is your poll

"There's just a gross pointlessness to day in day out childcare I've never understood how men and women tolerate "

so if not men not women who then?

To the Op: I know exactly what you mean, I moved to a new area and had to start afresh, with no friends/relatives close by. I have now built up a few close friendships via various means: another website's meet a MOm (NM), music group, neighbours and other pre-school Moms. Stick with it, you sound very proactive, and you will be OK. Are there any MN'ers nearby?

To Xenia: FGS, change the record, you are so repetitive and dull frankly.

I feel exactly the same although dd does NOT do anything by herself and Dp does very little to help

Its hard. Today has been a very bad day. I moved here when dd was 7 days old. We have met people who are lovely but have not really clicked with them-i'm not sure what we would talk about if we met without dcs.

today i'd like to have stayed in bed all day-not an option

feel like i can't complain as there is no way i want someone else looking after dd whilst i work-so dp works very hard to provide for us.................but some days i just feel like shouting and crying.
But then again I always feel bad this time of year anyway