Struggling today with being a SAHM. Anyone want to join in a rant?

[MrsTittleMouse]

OK, so I know I'm being unreasonable, because I have a lovely DD who has gone from being a very hungry baby who wanted lots of interaction and never slept, to a 12 month old who sleeps through the night and "reads" to herself . And DH isn't above doing housework and does the washing up and surfaces if I'm having a bad day (which recently is most days).
BUT, I just feel so isolated and bored at the moment. We're living in a new area, and so I don't know any people. I met one Mum through bumping into her and offering my phone number, so that's good. I joined the NCT and have started getting involved, and I take DD to swimming lessons, but it's really hard to make a one-to-one connection with anyone, especially as most people know each other already, and don't seem to have time for a new friendship. I've had to leave behind the friends I met at antenatal and my old pre-baby friends. And I have my family visit often (usually one visit a week), which is really nice that DD sees her GPS, but makes it harder for me to socialise.
I've already had an AIBU rant about DH having Christmas parties and work socialising, but I don't think he realises how lonely it is to not talk to anyone ALL DAY. He's mentioned a work collegue and his wife who sound as though they have stuff in common with us, and I've begged him to invite them round, but he keeps telling me that the time isn't right.
I've told DH that I'm struggling, and he comes home and does housework, but in martyr mode, and if things are a bit tense between us, he just clams up and makes sure that if I'm watching TV, he's on the computer (different room) or vice versa, so I don't even get to talk to him then!
I've tried so hard to be pro-active about meeting people, and striking up conversations etc., but it's taking ages to make any proper friends and I just feel so isolated and lonely. Anyone else dealing with this?

I think SAHM it is hard work and should only be done by choice.

I think it involves many changes both personal and social and it takes time to adjust.

it is important to find a reasonable support network and a proper DH/DP helps someone who has some understanding of what is involved and is an engaged parent.

it is hard changing the pace and keeping motivation high particularly
when we know full well this role is not socially valued.

having said that despite my many gripes I thoroughly enjoy it and also look forward to a time when I go back to work

i can think of a poll
will goand htink hard

right we haev a poll( relevant ytoy ou cakey i think)

icodblog.blogspot.com/

I'm so glad to hear that other people are going through the same thing. I know that this is just a blip, but it does get hard. When we first moved here I was so pro-active and optimisitic and still I don't have friends! So I'm just a bit down about how long it's taking.
Doing something on my own is a great idea. I had signed up to do some volunteering in the summer, but the guy who organised it didn't phone me to tell me the exact meeting place and I couldn't find him on the day. So it got dropped a bit, and I've just checked and found out that the next time slot when I'm free is January! But January is a lot better than nothing!
I would love to meet up with other MNers, but I need to keep my identity secret as I've posted confidential stuff here. I wouldn't be happy meeting someone who knew about my dreadful delivery and post-birth problems before they even knew my name! Wish I hadn't been so open with all the gory details.

from what i rememebr oyu need to be quite business liek abotu your socail life - not wait for it to happen

we did all the baby swimming etc
and id say" oh after this have oyu time fro a cofee" often other poeple are desperate to chat!!
make your own mates imo not dhs
go to a playgorup and say to someoen " ohive not been before nad im a bit nervous...do you coem a lot?" then get them yabbeirng

from what i rememebr oyu need to be quite business liek abotu your socail life - not wait for it to happen

we did all the baby swimming etc
and id say" oh after this have oyu time fro a cofee" often other poeple are desperate to chat!!
make your own mates imo not dhs
go to a playgorup and say to someoen " ohive not been before nad im a bit nervous...do you coem a lot?" then get them yabbeirng

ImportantCod - it's because other mothers won't talk to her in real life

I have been in your position when DS1 was 15mths old and we moved to a new area and it is incrediably hard. It does take time to make friends and it is a hard slog to keep going to things until you do.

I went to the same M & T group for about 6 mths before I would say I actually made friends as opposed to having somebody to talk to. In the end it was another new lady, who joined the group a couple of months after me who was also new to the area. Once you have one it snowballs a bit. I joined 2 M&T groups and went to the library, went to the park and the shops and generally made sure that I got out of the house once a day at least. I also did evening classes to get out the house by myself for a bit.

I moved again when DS1 was 3.9 and DS2 was 7 mths and had to do it all over again. That time, they were looking for somebody to help run the M & T group I go to so I volunteered. It made all the difference as people can't just ignore you.

I have to say I never find activity groups very good as you tend to have to concentrate on what your child is doing and don't get a chance to talk to others.

Things will change again in a 18mths or so when your daugther goes to playgroup and gets herself a social life as it will rub off on you.

You are doing really well in getting out and about so it is only a matter of time before you make real friends.

I find it very hard too.

And I'm just at home with my kids 2 days a week. Only dd is at school so I don't even have her all day.

I started doing courses before I had dd as I was bored. I am the type of person who needs to be doing something. Then after I had dd I kept doing evening courses. This progressed to a degree course & I'm now in my final year.

I was thinking of doing an MA but I'm now bored studying. I want to get a job.

Not everyone likes to stay at home, but that doesn't make us all bad. I'm not as far in that way as Xenia but I really do not think I could go back to staying at home all day.

My sister was a SAHM for 5 years when her ds1 was born. By the time she had her ds2 she said she was suicidal.. she then had a dd & the only thing to save her sanity was to get a job. She now says she would slit her wrists if she ever had to be a SAHM again.

I think some people are cut out for it, some aren't.

I also agree with cod though.. I met a girl I went to school with recently, she has moved near me. Despite me being out of the house 3 days a week I have been glad to meet with her on 2 of he mornings (perhaps when I should have been cleaning the house)

I hate housework, I hate cooking.. I get bored a lot of the time... perhaps I should have been born a male science teacher who stays a bachelor

Xenia - How do you know that being at home with your children is boring you have never done it. I can say sitting in an office all day is horrendously boring and not to be repeated in the near future but since you didn't even take maternity leave I don't know how you can comment.

And where is this underclass of people who do all your childcare for you? Do they realise you regard them as dull, boring and insane to spend all their time with your children?

MrsTittle - where are you? You sound like my kid of gal! I struggled sooooo badly for ages with making friends and enjoying the whole mummy thing. To be brutally honest, I think it is a bit dull when you've got babies. Once they're proper toddlers (2 plus) it gets much more fun, as they start to do the work for you by making 'friends' with kids at the park, toddler roup etc, so you have a natural 'in' to talk to people and arrange to meet again. It does get better, it so does (as Chandler would say, urm, if he were a SAHM, um...yeh!). it may be that going back to work in some capacity is the answer, but honestly, think about it and work it out in your own time. Xenia does love a good 'SAHMs - sad wretches of the world!' prattle (don't you Zeen?)

xxxx

I'm in exactly the same situation having moved more than 300 miles from "home". It is difficult to find time to socialize especially with 3 young children. I have met some nice mums and school and nursery and try to make an effort to chat with them.

I've asked hubby for a membership for my local gym for crimbo. Not for the fitness aspect but because it has a creche I can use for the baby whilst the other 2 are at school and nursery - and lets me do something just for me. Here's hoping I meet some friends there.

If I can get some childcare arranged I'm even thinking of taking a part-time job

Chin up - friendships take time to develop but we'll get there in the end.

i am so with you OP, its the one thing i dont like about being a SAHM, the loneliness

I know it has been said many times but M7T groups are the way to go. I started when my dd1 was about 1 (she is now 4 and we still go lots) most of my close friends now are people from these groups and they can be such a ahgreat support if you do have dc2. Me and my girls would go mad without them ( and do in the holidays). Really feeling for you

I've done a fair amount of child care over the last 23 years with 5 children despite working full time. I do find full days a bit dull whenever I've done them - remember most working parents do look after their children at least 2 days a week so we don't not know what it's like. I find it dull. Some people love it. I do love having children and spending an hour or two a day with them is wonderful. I would hate to be without it. I certainly don't clock watch when I've got them with me but all day every day is just like the furthest reaches of hell. I'd pay to work I think.

that xenia is because you are an andriod

Can you sign up for some kind of course where you might meet people? Learn anew language, take a cooking course, whatever interests you? You could then get out of the house and get a bit of mental stimulation.

You don't sound very interested in taking up a full time job. But, you do sound like you could slip into a real state of depression if you don't find something that interests you, even if it's only for two hours twice a week.

Are there any toddler groups around? You will usually find some like minded desperate housewives there.

I also set up a group locally. One of the mothers was really into knitting - I wasn;t - but it seemed like a good excuse for a get together in the pub once a week or fortnight; so I drafted a few posters for a knitting club with my mobile number on and put them up and there was a lot of response - I also made sure I said that kniting wasn;t compulsary on the flyer.

Not just a question of interest, also one of practicalities.
Mind you, realising that DD has worked out what her head is has reminded me why I want to be with her.
Me: DD, where is your head?
DD (completely unprompted by actions from me, ever): puts hands on head
Me: YES! That's right! That's right! (picks her up and hugs her hard)
I'm raising a genius I tell you.

Well I don't want to be paying someone else to look after the most precious things in my life whilst I slave away making money to line some shareholders pockets. You spend near on 40 years of your life working whats 5 years out to look after your children in the most formative time of their lives. I fully expected to go back to work full time when DD1 was 6 months but couldn't bear to leave her with someone else, felt they would be doing my job. Sorry everyone else seems to be posting their honest opinions tonight think I will too

Some women are SAHMs, some work PT, some full time we all make our choices as long as you and your family are happy fine.

Anyway back to original poster I did the same thing DD1 was 15 months when we moved here, pregnant with DD2. Joined some M&T groups made some friends, the key is get out every day, chances are a lot of women are in the same situation as you. All you need is a few "want to come to mine for coffee" to get you started. I now have a good group of friends we meet round each others houses every week sometimes it's hard fitting everyone in. I know it's lonely just now but it will get better.

Just compare sweetk and I. Women just differ. I adore the children. Many many men love their children too but don't want to be with them all day long and actually most women in the UK don't either. They may sometimes say they work because they have to (which isn't strictly true as there are state benefits etc) but it's often if they're honest because they want to, because they want the fun of work and career and also the fun of children.

I don't find it dull if it's an hour or two a day of childcare and it is without doubt the best thing I have done and to spend 23 years so far rearing children is brilliant. I wouldn't replace it for anything but I certainly would not have given up full time work either.

Mrs Tittle Mouse I'd say don't give up hope. Sort out what it is you want. Do you want to be with your daughter 24/7 or do you want to work. I think that once you've made that decision you can give 100% to whichever route you decide. I am a SAHM and some days, weeks even I think what am I doing, I have washed, cleaned, I have been to M&B, to the park etc and feel completely unfulfilled. Then others weeks (the majority) I am so happy with my choice to stay home and watch the children grow.

What I would say is work or SAHM both have their draw backs regardless of what people say. Juggling childcare not to mention that all jobs have aspects that are boring and repetitive.

Lol @ "where's your head"! (Makes me want to screech along to "where's your head aaaaat...".
Tmi?

Xenia - I have been to university did the whole career in the City thing, found crossing London Bridge every morning soul destroying so many unhappy faces. I have never been happier in my life than I am right now being with my children, I know it's not forever I will go back to work full time one day but I'm happy to live in the now watching them grow.

I do respect that for you and thousands like you working and having children is best for you and thats great, most women I meet who work part time say they would love to give up work completely but can't afford to, I think there is an element of grass is always greener.

If someone came on here and said "I am working full time, I feel like I'm neglecting my children, I am struggling to juggle everything" I wouldn't say to them "well give up work become a SAHM, thats what all women really want after all" because I know it's not, so sometimes I feel like your answer to everything is for everyone to work full time and have professional childcare for their children and in a lot of cases it's not.