Struggling today with being a SAHM. Anyone want to join in a rant?

[MrsTittleMouse]

OK, so I know I'm being unreasonable, because I have a lovely DD who has gone from being a very hungry baby who wanted lots of interaction and never slept, to a 12 month old who sleeps through the night and "reads" to herself . And DH isn't above doing housework and does the washing up and surfaces if I'm having a bad day (which recently is most days).
BUT, I just feel so isolated and bored at the moment. We're living in a new area, and so I don't know any people. I met one Mum through bumping into her and offering my phone number, so that's good. I joined the NCT and have started getting involved, and I take DD to swimming lessons, but it's really hard to make a one-to-one connection with anyone, especially as most people know each other already, and don't seem to have time for a new friendship. I've had to leave behind the friends I met at antenatal and my old pre-baby friends. And I have my family visit often (usually one visit a week), which is really nice that DD sees her GPS, but makes it harder for me to socialise.
I've already had an AIBU rant about DH having Christmas parties and work socialising, but I don't think he realises how lonely it is to not talk to anyone ALL DAY. He's mentioned a work collegue and his wife who sound as though they have stuff in common with us, and I've begged him to invite them round, but he keeps telling me that the time isn't right.
I've told DH that I'm struggling, and he comes home and does housework, but in martyr mode, and if things are a bit tense between us, he just clams up and makes sure that if I'm watching TV, he's on the computer (different room) or vice versa, so I don't even get to talk to him then!
I've tried so hard to be pro-active about meeting people, and striking up conversations etc., but it's taking ages to make any proper friends and I just feel so isolated and lonely. Anyone else dealing with this?

yes, Xenia - women do 'just differ'. You obviously find that quite hard to deal with. Not everyone wants your lifestyle. Comprende?

mrsTM.. just want to say that i have been feeling exactly the same today - i too moved to a new place (when pg), have a one year old and no family really nearby. I totally know what you mean about the depressing-ness of coming back from a M&T group or wherever and feeling like everyone else is friends so why would they need you.. i am a v gregarious person who has always made friends easily so it has been hard. Feel like i am just about beginning to make a couple of friends who i can get past the chit chat stage with, but i do miss my friends who know me really well. I am thinking about going back to work PT just to be with adults! But i understand why you can't go back, all the very best with your treatment.
For the record, i haven't read any of your gorey posts i don't think (!) and i am in leicester if you live near and want to be my friend! my email is rachelfarrier at hotmail dot com

why why WHY does a thread that addresses a genuine "problem" with being a SAHM have to turn into a SAHM/WOHM debate!!!

Some people feel they need to campaign to get us poor downtrodden SAHMs back into the work place, perhaps they are tony blair in disguise!! Honestly, its enough to make you want to vote tory

I was offered a job when i was pregnant, informally offered that is. I told the MAN who made the offer i was pregnant, he said, come back and see me when the baby is born (the job wasn't going to be there until i had finished writing my thesis so about 6-9 months away anyway) and if you still want the job its yours. He then went to say, something tells me you wont be back. So i got on my feminist high horse and said i would be back when the baby was eight weeks old and i had made my decision to be a full time working mum - he just smiled. Well 2 years later and i am LOVING being a SAHM, i have no intention of returning to my well paid, interesting, stimulating and exciting career until DD goes to school, and even then i may go into teaching as i want to be with her in the holidays. But yes, there are aspects of SAHMdom that i dont enjoy, the loneliness, the relentlessness, the menial repatitiveness. There were plenty of things i didnt enjoy about my work, i was an academic so these things were, hmm, let me see, the loneliness, the relentnessness (sorry i know i cant spell that) and the menial repetitiveness!!! (i studied neurobiology and genetic for my PhD and even that had its boring bits, a job in the "city" just for making money, would drive me straight to the priory tbh) Its just the rewards of being a SAHM far outweigh FOR ME, any possible rewards of a career.

I do find M&T a help, but the superficialness of it is a drag sometimes, but i have found a great group with a bunch of nutty tarts and i think i fit in quite well It took me two years of trying though. My DD has speech delay, although to be fair its sorting itself out, yesterday she sang baa baa blacksheep, now im sorry but that for me was more heartwarming and exhilirating than making an original and useful contribution to the scientific community!!!!!

When I was a bit miffed that DH had built up his Christmas party and how blummin wonderful it was going to be before he told me that I wasn't invited , I was a bit miffed and DH's response was "well, apply for a job tomorrow".
As I pointed out to him, just because he has a bad day, or has a problem with a collegue in work, doesn't mean that I tell him to get a new job!
He's a lot more supportive now though, I think he's getting the idea. Even if I did want to go back to work though, I don't know how all the SAHM-phobes think I'm going to get back into a specialist profession, where everyone is supposed to be so dedicated that they work weekends for free, when I have a young DD and no family nearby, and will need difficult fertility treatment (100% infertile), hope to be having maternity leave in less than a year, and live in a very expensive part of the country!!! My Dad once told me that I could get "any" job (i.e. I wouldn't have to go back to something career-based if I didn't want to), but as I pointed out to him, my salary needs to cover childcare (hopefully for two), as I'm certainly not going to work for nothing, when I could be at home with DD.

Sorry, it's turned into a bit of another rant. I feel you pain though lucyellensmum!

MrsTittleMouse,
If you had asked me last week, I would have told you my job was miserable crappy good for nothing waste of time. I so wanted to throw my resignation at the little twat who thinks he is my boss. Technically, he is my boss one of them but he doesn't know squat about the politics of this business... blahblahblah. I would have said a whole lot more. We all have bad days/weeks/years at our work no matter what we do.

PS You can always come to the mumsnet Christmas party and tell your DH that since you are a mum this is a key networking work do which you must attend... oh and no partners.

MTM, I've only read your OP. I was a SAHM for 2.5 years and the only thing that broke the monotony was the fact I lived beside my parents and visited there every day. When DS and DD1 got older, Mum started minding them for an hour or two every morning, giving me a break which I so appreciated.
Then, by a very cruel twist of fate, both mum and dad were diagnosed with cancer at the same time, I looked after them till they died 5 months later within a few days of each other.
Then I found myself isolated with nobody to talk to, in fact every morning I'd still be getting ready to "visit" them at 11am before I'd remember! And the children were at a difficult stage, I couldn't bring them anywhere as DS would take tantrums and I'd have to leave immediately.
I returned to work and that's what gave me a reason to live again. My colleagues all have kids too and it's great to hear their rants about their kids and their lives in general. Basically, it's great to talk to adults. And my MIL looked after the children in our own home which suited all perfectly.
Now I have DD2 who is nearly 1 year old, who has been giving her CM a hard time lately ( I had a thread about it recently!) I thought I was gonna have to give up work, but she's settled now, thank goodness. I don't want to be a SAHM again!

qwerty, i am so sorry to hear about your parents, i lost my father two years ago but to lose both must be awful. I think you highlight really well how what works for one doesnt work for another, and it depends on your circumstances.

I can't think of anything less I'd rather to than have Xenia's lifestyle to be frank. I'm a stay at home mother because I want to be and I believe that it's best for my children (and for me) to bring them up myself. I love spending time with them and seeing all the new things they learn and taking them out. They are young for such a short period of time that it's a shame to miss it if you don't have to I think.

In my mind my children come first before any business or job. In our family we work to live not live to work.

Oh and I've been doing it for 6 years now.

Well I would fundamentally disagree with any woman who says her salary has to cover childcare. Children have two parents. Women can pay half the child care and their children's father the other half. That's the relevant sum. And even if you earn less than you pay out if it saves your sanity working at a nominal loss where it can be afforded may be the better choice too.

xenia, have you heard the expression.... "freedom of choice"??
wind your neck in love.

What makes you think that DH has any salary left to pay for childcare, when he already pays the rent, council tax, bills, groceries, both our pensions and the running of the car?
If my salary can't pay for childcare, we'll be in negative numbers every month. I can't imagine we're the only ones.

"but it's taking ages to make any proper friends"

Yes it takes ages to make proper friends - it really does and I have been there and now emerged out the other side.

You really just have to knuckle down and persevere and make it happen...and be really quite pushy about inviting people over, suggesting places to go together etc

Mrs TM - I feel for you completely. I have dd (3.5) and ds (2.4) and we moved to the Midlands, where I knew nooobbboooodddyy, as well as me giving up a job in the City, which I quite liked.

SAHM is hard, much harder than working . And, I could not stand the whole M&T group thing one bit. I met some of my friends through doing music classes with dcs, and even if I didn't immediately click with them, they might have introduced me to someone else who I did like! Its really hard but it does get easier (now dd has started nursery it is a lot easier) but I agree that it is very dull sometimes, even without the whole trying to meet people thing. Its like being back in the playground sometimes.

Hats off to you much as i love my DC i couldnt stay at home every day, I work 2 1/2 days which i think is good compromise to keep my sanity.

Think if home all time Id be at all the M+T groups to get out and try and stop the cabin fever.

Do you have any leisure centres by you with creche facilities, I go to aqua and put DS in creche for 2 hours its fun way to meet other people. Or maybe DH could help in the evening while you find something to do thats just for you to escape, lots of schools/colleges do evening classes that might take your fancy

Doesn't sound much choice on this thread though.. people working because they have to and people staying home because they can only earn small amounts. We can give our children choices some of us don't have now by making sure they are well educated and pick careers and husbands which give them the choices some working and stay at home mothers do not have.

"people working because they have to and people staying home because they can only earn small amounts."

Excuse me mate, I could earn a considerable amount in the workplace (and was prior to children). Don't make erroneous assumptions.

(huffs and puffs away in righteous indignation)

I also think it is really sad and unimaginative that people need paid work to "keep their sanity"

Have no problem with people working because they need to or enjoy it, but if they truly think they would loose their marbles if they didn't? Odder than odd

Well I do agree choice is a good thing.
To be at home if you enjoy it, or at work of you would rather do that.

Yes I agree, but can't help bristling when people write that they would loose their sanity if they were a SAHM (as if you need to be a brain dead stepford wife to cope with this situation)

I admit, could be reading too much into this and could just be an innocuous statement..

HMC I think you fall into the category of being at home because you enjoy it. (given, if I'm reading correctly, that you could be at work with a high salary, given your experience, skills). And that is a good thing.

It can be tough for anyone who is trapped into being at home (when they don't wish to) or being at work because they have to.

And I'm not even saying there is anything wrong with that, but it can be hard.

Haven't read whole thread but I agree with HMC - I 'gave up' a good career to be a SAHM and can't understand why people feel they need to work for their sanity or because it helps them keep their identity.

I felt less like I had my own identity when working than I do now - I can pretty much do my own thing when I want to and now be my own person rather than when tied to working for a large multinational. I can't imagine going back to work for someone.

To the OP, if you're generally happy with your choice of being a SAHM, then try and get out as much as you can. I didn't really know anyone when I started being a SAHM in my local area because I worked long hours in the city. By the time dd was 18 months I had a strong network of similarly minded friends in the local area, it took hard work getting out and about and meeting people but it was worth it.

I agree with handlemecarefully and wheelbug - I was much less of an individual when I had to tow the corporate line than I am now. I am in charge of my own time now in a way I never was when at work. I can't imagine going back to a 9-5 job, day in day out, I would feel much to restricted. I suppose some people like that rigid structure in their lives but I don't. The trick will be finding something flexible, interesting and useful when I do go back to work.

Yes it can be boring looking after children 24/7 but most jobs are at some point. That is not a good excuse, by itself, for going back to work as far as I am concerned.

Having said all this, it is just my feeling on the matter. Everybody needs to do what is right for them. I am not convinced by some of the arguments but that doesn't mean that others can't disagree. I just wish we could all live and let live and support one other with our choices rather than attacking one another if we don't all follow the same path.