Struggling today with being a SAHM. Anyone want to join in a rant?

[MrsTittleMouse]

OK, so I know I'm being unreasonable, because I have a lovely DD who has gone from being a very hungry baby who wanted lots of interaction and never slept, to a 12 month old who sleeps through the night and "reads" to herself . And DH isn't above doing housework and does the washing up and surfaces if I'm having a bad day (which recently is most days).
BUT, I just feel so isolated and bored at the moment. We're living in a new area, and so I don't know any people. I met one Mum through bumping into her and offering my phone number, so that's good. I joined the NCT and have started getting involved, and I take DD to swimming lessons, but it's really hard to make a one-to-one connection with anyone, especially as most people know each other already, and don't seem to have time for a new friendship. I've had to leave behind the friends I met at antenatal and my old pre-baby friends. And I have my family visit often (usually one visit a week), which is really nice that DD sees her GPS, but makes it harder for me to socialise.
I've already had an AIBU rant about DH having Christmas parties and work socialising, but I don't think he realises how lonely it is to not talk to anyone ALL DAY. He's mentioned a work collegue and his wife who sound as though they have stuff in common with us, and I've begged him to invite them round, but he keeps telling me that the time isn't right.
I've told DH that I'm struggling, and he comes home and does housework, but in martyr mode, and if things are a bit tense between us, he just clams up and makes sure that if I'm watching TV, he's on the computer (different room) or vice versa, so I don't even get to talk to him then!
I've tried so hard to be pro-active about meeting people, and striking up conversations etc., but it's taking ages to make any proper friends and I just feel so isolated and lonely. Anyone else dealing with this?

so being at home as a sahm is a non job, is it? I used to be in the army, and believe me, that was easier. I have 3 under 4, and do not stop from 6 am until 10 pm (more if I want a bit of blob time). Yes, there are lots of times for all of us when we would like to stop the bus and get off, but some of us either do not have the financial choice or other constraints - in my caise dh is still serving, so one of us had to leave if we wanted to ensure that both parents wouldn't be in the middle east at the same time - I didn't have children to give them to grandparents for 6 months at a time.

"The research is certainly suggesting that full-time external child-care is harmful for a child's psychological wellbeing and emotional maturity. "

You say that like it's an indisputable fact, which it isn't. There is plenty of research to support whatever conclusion you wish on this topic.

I think the research suggests that crap nurseries where children are neglected full time is a bad thing. I don't think good childcare (nannies, childminders, nurseries, etc.) applies. Oh, and let us not forget, that some parents are neglectful, too.

i have to say, i agree with gloria about comments like why did xenia have children. That woman is like a red rag to a bull to me, but i would never question her love for her children, as she blatantly DOES love them. The only "problem" i have with xenia is that she isnt prepared to budge one millimeter in this debate. But fair play to her, she gives good debate so she does And despite thinking she spouts out of the toilet re the whole SAHM, i do think she is a supportive Mnetter and gives a reasoned argument. I love baiting her, but she gives as good as she gets - but being personal about her children is out of order. If she says out of order thing about being SAHM, then i respond to it, OVER AND OVER as she never seems to ge the message. Thing is, she sounds like the sort of woman id get on really well with in RL, but shed probably hate me - lol.

I also agree with gloria about research, you could write a PhD thesis on many issues having decided what your conculsion is before you even pick up a paper. Providing you only read the stuff that you agree with you'll have more than enough to present your "argument". I'm sure there are plenty of theses (plural??) festering in university basements written in exactly that vein. Statistics are the most valuable tool for a liar ever. You can manipulate the numbers to say exactly what you want them too and it can fool even the most wizened of professors (i know mine did - mmmmwwahhhaaahaaa).

bit tired, your comment re the passing on the grand parents really hit home for me. In that case the child is obviously getting the best available childcare, second from mum and dad. BUT there is a caveat here. I was a young single mum with DD1, my parents more or less raised her, not because i was a bad mother always out on the piss, but because i took myself to college, university and work. It ended up with dd's relationship being much stronger with my parents than with me. I think this is because they used to have her stay the weekend alot of time too, as she loved to stay with them. I actually dont think this happens with CM but with GP it is a danger. It is the biggest regret of my life as i think my relationship with DD1 (now 17) has suffered for my ambition. That is really painful for me to think about and even more painful for me to put into an open forum, but i think it explains my decision to be a SAHM to DD2 (now 2) for as long as i can.

lucy sorry to but in but if your dd1 is a happy well adjusted young woman you have done your job by providing appropriate care for her and also taking care of yourself,

I think relationships between mother/ daughter are difficult, rich and ever changing, you love her you are there for her, that will come through.

sfx - thankyou for your kind comment, i do question whether DD is happy though, she has a lot of buried anger as we lost my dad two years ago, so for her, despite DP being around for 15 years, she has lost her dad too. Our relationship is strained at best and it breaks my heart.

lucy - grief takes time but ikwym still she is a teenager, my sister has always worked/ studied she has a 16yrs old she was 17 when she has her btw, my niece and nephew were cared for by our extended family and of course they go up and down in closeness but they are well adjusted and close to many adults, however the mum is the mum iyswim.

this parenting business is hard work and we always bring our emotional baggage to it for want of a better term.

i appreciate that. I do tend to beat myself up about things, i have to say that studying was a totally positive thing to do, i know my DD is proud of me.

Research has fashions like any thing else, it is always a work in progress, never a final answer. I think currently, the trend is that nurseries are bad, staying at home with your mother is good but as I said earlier it isn't that simple. Childcare doesn't exist in a vacuum in your lives, it is affected by our circumstances and our temperaments and that of our children. We all have to do what is best for our families.

Any benefits and disadvantages are extremely difficult to quantify because we will never know how things would have been if we had taken an alternative course of action. Maybe my children would be brighter, happier, more confident, politer and more charming if I had gone back to work immediately (I doubt it ) but I will never know. Same as you, Lucyellensmum, will never know if you would have a better relationship with your daughter if you had been married and a SAHM when you DD1 was little.

What is a bit annoying about Xenia's stance is that she won't accept that we all do our best and that may mean we don't want the same as her. I certainly couldn't live as she does but I would defend her right to do so but she doesn't seem able to make the same compromise. That said, like you Lucyellensmum, I like the debate - it keeps this sad little SAHM's brain awake! Not sure I would want to meet her in RL though. I suspect I might find her a bit scary!!!!

niece, that sums things up perfectly

I think my problem with the stance that Xenia takes is that the unconditional love a child may expect from a parent seems to be a bit 'conditional'. I haven't the time to search for her post but she refers to handing them back as soon as they cry or get a bit sicky.

If it were me, I wouldn't feel terribly loved. However I appreciate Xenia's children may be more robust.

I'm a WOHM and I wish more than anything i could be more part time than I am. I cry dropping her off at nursery and seeing all the other Mums with their los on my way to work. I'm constantly trying to do sums in my hesd to see if we can afford it or not. when I spoke about this to my SAHM friend she said "the grass is always greener" which is so true I think. However I thin SAHMs are just as entitled to have a rant about their situation as anyone is. Everyone has bad days.

I'm not working to be away from my dd cos I find it "boring" (as Xenia seems to do for more than 2 hours at a time!) it's to pay the mortgage and so she's wearing nice clothes, has healthy nutririous food and a nice(albeit small) house to live in.

I know I could never be a full time SAHM but the choice to be a bit more of one would be lovely.

I have absolutely no problem with Xenia's stance on her own life as a mother, and of course, she is entitled to her opinion. I just fail to understand why she always insinuates (or more often than not, insists) that her way is the right way - the only way - while continuing to patronise and insult educated, right minded women about their choices. She never budges an inch from her automaton's response of 'SAHM =bad, WOHM = good', and she doesn't keave me thinking 'Cor, there's a strong woman who knows her own mind' - I just think 'Here's Xenia, banging her drum predictably, again (yawn)'. She also always ignores my questions, which I make a real attempt to think through (when sometimes I feel like being far less polite to her), rarely listens, never empathises. So, depsite the fact that she often sparks these debates (great), she never actually adds much new or interesting to them.

Lucy, I was not trying to make you feel bad at all and salute you for educating yourself when it was obviously a tough thing to do - my point was that in my case there was a real and repeated possiblity that we would both be serving aborad at the same time - and indeed dh has been away for 10 of the last 12, so the grandparents in my case ouwl be doing 24/7 care for months on end. As for your daughter - take heart - I couldn't stand my mother as a teenager, but now we are past all that.

peacelily, dont beat yourself up - you are doing what you have to, and having a loving mummy is what your DD needs, she will appreciate everything you do for her. I bet she doesnt cry though when you drop her off

Bittired, you didnt upset me at all - you just clarified for me why i have made the choice i have this time around.

Thanks for the support LEM. Working and not being with dd is just so s**t

And yes she's a happy chicken-most of the time so her life can't be that bad!

gloria and lucy - apologies if you feel that my post was 'out of order', i did not intend to be personal about xenia's children. i wasn't questioning her love for them as i don't know her at all and haven't read any of her posts on other threads so couldn't have an opinion about that. however i was responding to the tone of some of the arguments in this thread, which to me seemed very insulting towards SAHMs - more so than asking somebody why they had children.

getoffmystage, dont worry, i wasnt directing my post solely at you. You dont have to have read any other of xenias threads, she is always SAHM bashing and it always the same old arguments. I do completely understand why people are drawn into making personal comments though because the attitude that she adopts towards SAHMs is appalling and hurtful, so you certainly havent upset me. I just think its better to keep the arguments objective. I wouldnt worry about xenia though, shes as tough as old shoe leather

I'm guilty too of making personal and subject comments and I apologise too. I find it very very hard not to react when people make sweeping statements about a SAHM life style.