Can someone please point out what’s enjoyable about being a parent?!

[LB00]

I’m really struggling right now. I have a 2 and a half year old boy and have ALWAYS wanted to be a mum but right now and for a while I’m finding it really hard to understand what is enjoyable about being a parent.

What enjoyable about being someone’s bitch/slave 24/7?
What’s enjoyable about losing your identity?
What enjoyable about not having a full nights sleep for 2 and a half years?(he’s never slept through and I’m the only one that can put him to bed and deal with his wake ups)
What’s enjoyable about being so exhausted you can barely function most days?
What’s enjoyable about having your clothes pulled, used a climbing frame, hurt (by accident) but who likes spending each day being pinched, scratched, punched, trodden on etc.
Being sucked on all day (he’s still breastfeed)

For the last few weeks I seem to be thinking about dying quiet a lot just to get some much needed rest and be able to shut off for a while. This is not what I expected parenting to be like. I love him more than anything ever and he’s taught me so much about myself in so many ways, the only thing that seems to keep me going at the moment is the fact I’m all about gentle parenting and if I wasn’t here, he wouldn’t get brought up like that and also the trauma it would cause him if he didn’t have me here. I seem to have one good day a week maybe, the rest are a total struggle. The only joyful thing I can think of, is that he makes me laugh. Apart from that can someone give my head a wobble and point out what is enjoyable about this malarkey.

I have a 14 mth old bf ds. I sympathise but thought I’d make a list because it’s easy to forget the cute stuff when you’re sleep deprived.

1. I love mummy baby cuddles between breastfeeds.

1. I love the way he comes running to me in excitment first. He wants to show me everything.

1. I love how he grins just before launching his sippy cup. It gives me precious moments to prepare so I can catch it. hahaha

1. I love how excited he looks when he knows he’s being naughty. I’m sure he’s figured out I was secretly proud when he figured out how to pick the lock of the bathroom.

What you have described is not fun. I suspect a lot of your problems stem from being tired - everything is worse when you're tired. Do you live with your son's dad? Why can't he settle him - could he work on that as a starting point?

OP you might not want to hear this, but every time I dropped a feed (and when I stopped breastfeeding completely at 20m) I instantly felt better, more able to handle parenting and more importantly, enjoy parenting. It is draining, both physically and emotionally.

Secondly, why can't your partner parent his own child? He hasn't done bedtime in 2.5 years??!! No wonder you're depressed and feel hopeless.

I think you might need to speak to your doctor and get some advice. You sound so unhappy and it's possible you have some undiagnosed post natal depression.
The early years are hard - childcare is relentless, especially in a pandemic where normal support isn't available.
I'll probably get my arse handed to me for suggesting it because MN is very pro breast feeding, but I would stop. He doesn't need it at 2 and it would do you good to reclaim your own body.

Parenting becomes enjoyable when you respect your own boundaries and limits. You have needs as well, not just your child,and those needs cannot be suppressed. If you struggle with a certain aspect of parenting, you need to find a solution. Not all problems can be solved of course, but there is a lot that can be done to improve things, and your child is no longer a newborn baby. It sounds as if you are living by someone else's rules and standards and that is making you unhappy. You will not harm your child by reducing breastfeeding, only allowing certain times for feeds or stopping breastfeeding altogether, enforcing different rules around sleep, letting someone else settle him and look after him, teach him that it is not okay to hit or scratch mummy. Your child is no longer a baby, he is a toddler who needs to learn that other people - even his own mother - have limits, and this does not in any way diminish the love and care you have for him.

Mine is 4 and I'm still her slave / climbing frame / accidental victim of elbows and pokes but she's a proper little person now and we chat and that's so cute. There is nothing like hearing her shout mummy and flying up to give me a hug when I have literally only been away from her for 2 minutes

I think it might be time to look at weaning

That sounds really hard. You need some support for yourself - without it parents get burnt out and that's how you sound. I'm so sorry you are feeling that way.

If you are feeling so down that you think often about dying then get yourself some help. You deserve that. Go to your GP or if you can afford it then find a therapist who can support you.

You are not alone in having feelings of it all just being too much to look after a child's every need all day and all night. It IS too much without back up, someone to hear your feelings too.

My children are a bit older and the responsibility and intensity still gets on top of me at times. But I have a listening partner who I can speak to and who listens to all my feelings and that makes all the difference sometimes between life with children being a joyless slog and it being a joyful connection. The most joyful, intense and fun-filled connection of my life.

I'm linking to an article on listening partnerships here - but please do reach out to your GP or someone in your real life and tell them about the thoughts you have been having about just dying.

Hang in there OP, it will get better.
Mine is 3.5 now and finally going to bed at a reasonable time and sleeping through the night. And going to preschool and nursery so she is getting more independent.

She's very affectionate now, this morning she said "I love you to the milky way and back mummy". It's worth it for those moments.

Let me know when you find out. With the breastfeeding, I eventually refused and she did accept that mummy couldn't make any more milk. She was nearly 3 and I feel a bit more normal now.

Agree with other posters that you need some boundaries regarding the breastfeeding OP. I stopped one month before my DD turned three and by that time it was only once a day at bedtime.

My 16 month old DD not breastfed occasionally pinches or bites but gets a sharp no. As with pulling at clothes. Whats fun watching her starting to use words to play just waking up to her little face and cuddling her while she has her bottle in the morning. She sleeps through the night which helps.

Your child should not be so dependent on you if his Dad lives at home too.

Good points- the cuddles! I live for them!
The funny things they say.
Always having someone around who loves you.

Yes when your children are as dependent as yours it is hell. Take steps to reduce it.
I would stop the breastfeeding and then start getting dad more involved in bed times.

Do you have a partner op?

I do think you're making it unnecessarily tricky for yourself. If he's 2 1/2 you can stop breastfeeding without causing him problems? And allow his dad to learn to comfort him too.

My DS is the same age and I am very gentle with him but at the same time- he's not breastfeeding, he knows to stay in bed at night, he knows what 'no' means and probably most importantly I work part time and he goes to a childminder. He loves playing with the other kids and I love the chance to breathe....

He's still the most cuddly little boy I could ever imagine and our bond is just pure love.

I do think that your dark thoughts are telling you something has to change.

Tbf I think stopping breastfeeding can be difficult (although I agree OP should for her own sake.)

I think it can be hard because obviously as a baby you meet their every need and then there’s that transition period between baby and toddler and it sounds like that is just a little bit delayed (absolutely no criticism of you there, OP! So please don’t think I am being rude about your parenting!)

It's time to stop breastfeeding.

When you are actually have suicidal ideation, it's 100% TIME TO STOP BREASTFEEDING.

It's literally killing you. And yet he won't even remember ever doing it!

And you can be gentle and still lose the tag and shout NO! on occasion.

Think about it like training a puppy. If you don't say NO! strongly when you need to, they will end up hurting you. Doesn't mean you're abusing the puppy just because you occasionally need to use a big voice!

Agree with PPs and when mine were tots the toddler groups twice a week were a real lifeline for me. So crap that this has all been taken away for people.

They turn 18 eventually

OP, I was about to say that "toddlers" are the best bit about parenting - but then I saw that you have one already.

I had babies and toddlers together, and used to fantasise about a stay in hospital or prison, just to have a break and someone else to do the cooking.

That aside: you might perhaps find it a bit better if you make a few tweaks.

You shouldn't be anyone's slave 24/7. I was Mummy when mine were that age - but from 6AM - 6PM. After 6PM, they were in bed. Illness was the only reason not to be. I know it's not in line with various other ways of parenting, but I figured that they had my attention for 12 hours solid during the day, every single day of the week (playing, reading, talking, singing, etc, etc) - and the only way I could do a good job of those 12 hours was by having had enough sleep myself.

Sleep deprivation is horrendous, and it makes everything else seem insurmountable.

I would suggest you do some proper sleep training, which will be difficult and upsetting for both of you - but it does generally reap rewards.

I would also drop the breastfeeding. At 2.5, my DC were all eating more or less the same as us - just cut up a bit more, and in small portions.
Again, I realise this is not in line with the type of parenting you've been doing - but on the whole, if things are difficult with children, you have to look first as what you can change (sometimes it doesn't make any difference, as some children are just very hard work!)

My experience of children of that age is that they are absolutely hilarious, and are mini anarchists and visionaries. It was my favourite age.

I'm crap with teenagers, though.

Couldn't get passed this as I have experienced exactly the same with my first, many years ago. I also felt that there is only one right way to do it, and this way meant stepping on my own throat all of the time and accepting it.

I am now much older and wiser and I am telling you that you should start with your own attitude to yourself and mothering. Read critical feminist books about motherhood (Of Women Born, Adrienne Rich, also the recent one by Jacqueline Rose), not only practical ones. Although of the practical ones, you should read French Children Don't Throw Food. It does show a very different attitude to parenting - one that supplements life rather than kills it.

In the long run, this sacrifice will harm both you as a person, your child (despite that you know think it is very good for him, in the long run, the sacrificial mother is a very bad role model) and your relationship.

Early years are hard, there is no getting around it, but there are many ways in which we women are socialised to sacrifice ourselves. I now have another young kid, and I am just much much more relaxed about what's good and what's not, and I don't put a quarter of the same pressure on myself as I did years ago.

But janet there is a middle ground.

6pm is very early to ‘stop being a parent’ - do you work? Some kids would be left in nursery if their parents decided this!

I think encouraging good sleep is important for everybody but illness isn’t the only reason a child might not be able to sleep.

Middle ground here, surely? Once OPs ds is weaned he probably won’t be waking multiple times in the night.

french children don’t throw food

Yes but have you seen the way they are smacked and shouted at if they do?

Op
Sounds like you need to talk to your Gp
Nearly half of his life has been in lockdown that's not normal parenting either
Please seek help and know that it will get better
Kindest wishes and unmumsnetty hugs