Can someone please point out what’s enjoyable about being a parent?!

[LB00]

I’m really struggling right now. I have a 2 and a half year old boy and have ALWAYS wanted to be a mum but right now and for a while I’m finding it really hard to understand what is enjoyable about being a parent.

What enjoyable about being someone’s bitch/slave 24/7?
What’s enjoyable about losing your identity?
What enjoyable about not having a full nights sleep for 2 and a half years?(he’s never slept through and I’m the only one that can put him to bed and deal with his wake ups)
What’s enjoyable about being so exhausted you can barely function most days?
What’s enjoyable about having your clothes pulled, used a climbing frame, hurt (by accident) but who likes spending each day being pinched, scratched, punched, trodden on etc.
Being sucked on all day (he’s still breastfeed)

For the last few weeks I seem to be thinking about dying quiet a lot just to get some much needed rest and be able to shut off for a while. This is not what I expected parenting to be like. I love him more than anything ever and he’s taught me so much about myself in so many ways, the only thing that seems to keep me going at the moment is the fact I’m all about gentle parenting and if I wasn’t here, he wouldn’t get brought up like that and also the trauma it would cause him if he didn’t have me here. I seem to have one good day a week maybe, the rest are a total struggle. The only joyful thing I can think of, is that he makes me laugh. Apart from that can someone give my head a wobble and point out what is enjoyable about this malarkey.

At least if you kicked the lazy fucker out, he'd probably move to his mums and your DS would be taken care of by Nana. That's something.

Because that bloke was never meant to be a parent. And he never will be.

@LB00

I wanted to put him in nursery beginning of last year, the COVID rolled around with lockdowns. Im in England so have been on national lockdown for a while, so when I get the chance to be able to visit nursery’s and check them out and stuff, I will put him in nursery.

You can most definitely visit nurseries and you can enrol your child without any issues in England. Visits are mostly done by appointment only in the evenings and on weekends. Nurseries are not and have not been subject to closure for a while.

Thinking of approaching it this way with your partner, by you being at home you're saving hundreds on childcare which is bringing a lot to the table.
If you get no respite at all due to your partner i'd be wondering if you're better off without him as you say at least then he might take him some of the time.
I can't really help with BF advice I'm afraid, my mum had quite a difficult stopping my sister and it was awful watching her cry when she bit her so it was part of my decision not to, i have heard some mums tell their toddlers their boobs are broken and even put plasters on their nipples has helped sometimes though.

@WomenAndVulvas

Parenting becomes enjoyable when you respect your own boundaries and limits. You have needs as well, not just your child,and those needs cannot be suppressed. If you struggle with a certain aspect of parenting, you need to find a solution. Not all problems can be solved of course, but there is a lot that can be done to improve things, and your child is no longer a newborn baby. It sounds as if you are living by someone else's rules and standards and that is making you unhappy. You will not harm your child by reducing breastfeeding, only allowing certain times for feeds or stopping breastfeeding altogether, enforcing different rules around sleep, letting someone else settle him and look after him, teach him that it is not okay to hit or scratch mummy. Your child is no longer a baby, he is a toddler who needs to learn that other people - even his own mother - have limits, and this does not in any way diminish the love and care you have for him.

Couldn't agree more, I think you need to re-balance back towards your needs as a person and gently put your child in his place. By which I mean start to put in place appropriate boundaries and expectations of behaviour, you absolutely shouldn't be allowing some of what you are in terms of kicking, biting etc. That's not gentle parenting, that's non parenting. And who on earth would be happy to be treated like that by anyone, regardless of it being a small child. I only know one other person well who subscribes to gentle parenting and her children are feral and it becomes more apparent and frankly embarrassing as they come out into the real world more at school, events etc.

Couldn't agree more, I think you need to re-balance back towards your needs as a person and gently put your child in his place. By which I mean start to put in place appropriate boundaries and expectations of behaviour, you absolutely shouldn't be allowing some of what you are in terms of kicking, biting etc. That's not gentle parenting, that's non parenting. And who on earth would be happy to be treated like that by anyone, regardless of it being a small child. I only know one other person well who subscribes to gentle parenting and her children are feral and it becomes more apparent and frankly embarrassing as they come out into the real world more at school, events etc.

I explained that completely wrong, he never hurts me on purpose, he defo doesn’t kick or bite. I don’t know we’re that came from but I didn’t write that lol. I’m just talking about that accidental hurt, if he’s climbing on me I may get an accidental head butt, or scratched or something.

Hello OP,

Total understanding from me, I’ve got a 2 year old that was very similar until recently. I’m also a gentle/attachment parent generally.

What helped me feel a lot better recently (more like a real person and myself again) is:

Gentle sleep training. I spoke to a sleep consultant who is a former midwife and Lactation consultant so she totally understands breastfeeding past 2 years etc. My DD has gone from waking every 90 mins to sleeping 7-7 most nights and maybe one wake up. I’ve now night weaned.

Reading books about weaning (‘nursies when the sun shines’ ‘my milk will go, our live will grow’ etc)

DD goes to nursery 2 days a week - our local nursery is open and allows visits if you follow Covid guidelines etc. She really enjoys it and I have time to do things solo.

You are a person too and deserve to have your needs met, not just your child’s or your partners

Singerleon,

What was your approach to training? And how did you find the books? Did they work? I came across one called sally weans from night nursing the other day and was going to get it. Can’t remember why I didn’t but did the books help?

@LB00

Couldn't agree more, I think you need to re-balance back towards your needs as a person and gently put your child in his place. By which I mean start to put in place appropriate boundaries and expectations of behaviour, you absolutely shouldn't be allowing some of what you are in terms of kicking, biting etc. That's not gentle parenting, that's non parenting. And who on earth would be happy to be treated like that by anyone, regardless of it being a small child. I only know one other person well who subscribes to gentle parenting and her children are feral and it becomes more apparent and frankly embarrassing as they come out into the real world more at school, events etc.

I explained that completely wrong, he never hurts me on purpose, he defo doesn’t kick or bite. I don’t know we’re that came from but I didn’t write that lol. I’m just talking about that accidental hurt, if he’s climbing on me I may get an accidental head butt, or scratched or something.

Ok, fair enough and I don't think anyone was suggesting your wee two year old was sitting around plotting how to hurt you . But even that notion of him almost having free reign over your body to climb, suck etc is problematic not just because as a growing boy he might hurt you but because he needs to learn that he and you are seperate beings, that actions have consequences, that you have a right to your own body. I feel suffocated even reading some of what you wrote, I cannot imagine living it and while a (mostly!) loving and affectionate parent I have no memory of being hurt ever by my small children. You sound like you are trying so hard to parent within the framework of an ideology but whether gentle parenting or authoritarian I don't think that ever works. Forget franeworks and ideologies and shoulds, firmly reclaim your body and sense of identify, enjoy your life and enjoy and parent your child, the two are not mutually exclusive. There are always going to be hard days but I promise you it doesnt have to be this hard.

You’ve got a shit partner!

I couldn’t do it 24/7-that’s partly why I go to work 4 days. I find I love the 3 days I do at home and the 4 days at work I get to be me.

Sorry you're struggling @LB00 I have felt like you have and I also have 2 very little ones. A lot of the work falls to me because my husband works away in the week.

What I can say is that when I started looking at myself, I realised I was a martyr to the cause. You say your partner was doing bathtime but you changed that because it was easier for you. Why not let him continue with bathtime and he can do bedtime as well? You could do the feed downstairs and then let him get on with it.

Re cooking/cleaning- you need to speak to him and tell him how you feel. It can feel like you're drowning in the mental load but in honesty- ask yourself this. What will happen if you don't do it? If you don't clean up, the house will be a mess. So what? If it's a mess and he moans then he can see what he needs to do to get his share of the work done. If you always do it you can't moan when he can't see there's thjngs to do!

Same with the cooking- my husband likes a cooked dinner because he does a physical job. "Can you get the dinner on" was a regular thing. He expected me to decide what we were having too. I about ended up having a breakdown trying to juggle kids work and that shit. So I don't do it anymore. I'll cook at a weekend if I feel like it but what we eat at the weekend is down to him. If he doesn't do the shop then we're picking at biscuits and the kids are eating crap. It only took one weekend of that to happen before he realised he needed to step up.

Give your partner the ability to make decisions about your family.

@Megan2018

I couldn’t do it 24/7-that’s partly why I go to work 4 days. I find I love the 3 days I do at home and the 4 days at work I get to be me.

Agree to a point but unless the OP tackles some of the underlying issues she might end up dreading rather than enjoying her days at home or her child will find it so hard being away from her that itll be a very tough adjustment. Being a stay at home parent does not involve being a slave to your child, which you go to work to escape from, it should also be a balance between their needs, your needs, the needs of the couple and also preparation for the outside world. I know Covid 19 hasnt helped but it all sounds very insular and 'small' a world.

If I really felt this bad I would

1. stop breastfeeding
2. sleep train
3. go back to work or at the very least put them in nursery for a day or 2
4. give my partner a massive kick up the arse because they need to be a parent too

I realise these things may be easier said than done, but I do enjoying parenting my 3 year old. I love her more than anything but haven’t and won’t sacrifice my entire wellbeing for it. Everyone in the family, including her, is much better off for it.

@smeerf

OP you might not want to hear this, but every time I dropped a feed (and when I stopped breastfeeding completely at 20m) I instantly felt better, more able to handle parenting and more importantly, enjoy parenting. It is draining, both physically and emotionally.

Secondly, why can't your partner parent his own child? He hasn't done bedtime in 2.5 years??!! No wonder you're depressed and feel hopeless.

Oh yes, me too. I partially breastfed first til 3, the second I stopped at 9 months, and I felt so much better. Breastfeeding drained me and the hormones from it screwed with my moods, I actually wish I'd stopped sooner as I'm much happier. I know it isn't a fashionable view and it won't apply to everyone, it's just been my experience.

If I had a partner like that, I'd feel hugely resentful. You've had a 1950s wife and mother lifestyle imposed on you without your consent. He needs to pull his weight rather than leaving all the drudgery to you.

Your son will benefit from you having more boundaries, learning that other people have needs he should consider is valuable. If knock the bf on the head (night wean, get him in his own room while your partner deaths with nights, then reduce feeding frequency in day until you stop completely). At the earliest opportunity, get him out to nursery so you have time on your own. I think gentle parenting can sometimes become brooding resentment parenting, and that's not a vibe that is good for kids either. I sometimes snap at my kids, I think it's healthy for them to know that everyone has limits and sometimes you feel anger. It's what you do after that matters.

I also bf my daughter for longer than I should have, the last six months I did it reluctantly and should have stopped the minute it stopped feeling good.

@JeanClaudeVanDammit

If I really felt this bad I would 1) stop breastfeeding 2) sleep train 3) go back to work or at the very least put them in nursery for a day or 2 4) give my partner a massive kick up the arse because they need to be a parent too

I realise these things may be easier said than done, but I do enjoying parenting my 3 year old. I love her more than anything but haven’t and won’t sacrifice my entire wellbeing for it. Everyone in the family, including her, is much better off for it.

I think the point about your daughter ALSO being the better for it is also a very important one. I think that we do children no favours by placing them so centrally and virtually debasing ourselves for them, there is a lot of potential harm than can come from it - selfishness/self-absorption, not respecting us, or maybe even guilt and the burden of knowing how much was done for them and trying to live up to that.

And what's it all for even when all goes great? I have a friend who has sacrificed so much of herself to her childrens needs and well-being, was so determined to do everything exactly just so and do you know what she has lovely children who are doing grand in life. But guess what, so do I, so do lots of people who didn't do half so much as her. The gains of all this self sacrificing are so marginal as to be not worth pursuing in my opinion. Chances are with just doing the basics of taking good care of basic needs, love and occasional attention these kids would have been much the same because they have two bright, kind parents who give a crap. I think we vastly overestimate how much influence we have over our children once the basic conditions of being a decent parent are met.

OP I feel for you massively. And please don't beat yourself up.

Children are tiring. No one likes feeling tired.
Children are demanding. No one likes never having a moment to themselves.

That's true for all of us. Your issue is not your child. It's the lack of support that means you never have any time for you. This will have been compounded by the claustrophobia of lockdown and all the other restrictions. In 6 months, DS will qualify for 30hrs free nursery a week. Use them, it will make all the difference. I know 6 months seems like a lifetime away, but you've done 30 months already, you can make it to 36, please hold on to that.

Have you tried looking for a playgroup/preschool place? They can be a lot cheaper than nurseries and some take children from 2+.

Hello @LB00 - we're really sorry you're having such a difficult time of things. Being a parent (especially to a two-year-old) is uniquely challenging but right now, it's so much harder for very many of us & it sounds like you're utterly exhausted.

We hope you don't mind, but when threads like this are flagged to us – we like to link to some ideas for support. We have some more information about postnatal depression, here

We also wanted to share Mind’s information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything that might be helpful right now.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the links above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

Hi op,

I’m going to write more later cos I get it. I’ve been there v recently:

Sally weans from night nursing helped me a lot. Just popped on to say hat. I got two more - Milkies in the morning or something like that. I just changed the words to what we say.

I’m going to come back later. You’re exhausted and need space and some time for yourself. This can be made better for you.

@LB00
My DD started nursery in lockdown, we were still able to do the settling in etc. I’d get on it asap.
I still BF DD but she copes fine without me during the day and hasn’t cried once. We also do gentle parenting.

But your biggest issue is your partner. I wouldn’t tolerate that at all, my DH is the opposite. I do do all the night wakings etc but he is equal in everything else and has DD at weekends so I get to do my own thing.

It certainly took a few discussions / explaining with my DP about what is required in the morning if I’m in bed. I know that it shouldn’t be your job, but for the first few times might it help if night before you laid out dry nappy, bowl, spoon, cup, weetabix, banana, milk etc and categorically showed him exactly what needs to happen in a morning if you’re not there? My dp has grown to love his weekend morning breakfasts without me and now gets excited about bringing home croissants for the weekend and choosing what to give her etc.

Right, so I can’t help with your partner. The lack of support there must be very hard and I’m not surprised you’re at the end of your tether.

I have an autistic 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. Also worn out and honestly have had dark thoughts too. Felt exactly as you say really - like I was a non person, my needs didn’t matter, I didn’t matter. My partner is helpful though. Honestly with 2 kids and one autistic one though, if he wasn’t, I don’t know what I would have done.

Forgetting your partner though, it is in your power to night wean. I did this recently by myself (Partner was dealing with my eldest who wakes nightly several times usually). I read three night weaning stories to my 2 yr old. We read them every night at bedtime. I got a gro clock and told her that she could have milk when the sun shined - this worked well with the stories which are all about milk when the sun shines. Then one night I told her she would have no milk till The sun like in the stories.

The first night was hard. Not crying but a lot of hugging and resettling. But I kept saying no milk till the sun shines. It got better after that and now she often sleeps through - not every night but more often than not.

I do a morning feed, a nap feed, a bedtime feed now. I’m ok with this for now. Other feeds I cut out. Just distract distract distract.

If you get more sleep and fewer breast feeds in the day the the other crap stuff like the pinching will seem more bearable.

Then if your partner won’t help, then you can get time to yourself through childcare. Be proactive. Some nurseries will probably let you look round now. Call them. Get on waiting lists. You might want to also look into preschools and playgroups. Typically only open a few hours a day, term time only but probably less of a waiting list.

Control what you can control.

Good luck.

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet - thank you. Tbh this thread has made me feel better. I dont get any understanding from my partner and don’t really have any one else to talk too, so I think having a little vent with replies of compassion has helped alone.

Allthenumbers - I stumbled across the sally book the other day. So will purchase it today.

I think it’s time to think about my relationship, well lack of 🙄.

It seems a lot of replies have been in regard to boundaries and I have to agree, it wasn’t until recently I even knew there was such things as boundaries. I came across it all in a book I was reading. I have never had boundaries myself, due to my childhood, trying to please the parents because i was out of 2, ‘the naughty kid’ - I wasn’t I was just a human trying to find myself in This big world. So having no boundaries stayed with me growing up, always trying to people please, keep everyone else happy. Not rock any boats etc so I do think this is a massive area I have to work on for myself and for my DS. So that is something I will take firm this thread.