Can someone please point out what’s enjoyable about being a parent?!

[LB00]

I’m really struggling right now. I have a 2 and a half year old boy and have ALWAYS wanted to be a mum but right now and for a while I’m finding it really hard to understand what is enjoyable about being a parent.

What enjoyable about being someone’s bitch/slave 24/7?
What’s enjoyable about losing your identity?
What enjoyable about not having a full nights sleep for 2 and a half years?(he’s never slept through and I’m the only one that can put him to bed and deal with his wake ups)
What’s enjoyable about being so exhausted you can barely function most days?
What’s enjoyable about having your clothes pulled, used a climbing frame, hurt (by accident) but who likes spending each day being pinched, scratched, punched, trodden on etc.
Being sucked on all day (he’s still breastfeed)

For the last few weeks I seem to be thinking about dying quiet a lot just to get some much needed rest and be able to shut off for a while. This is not what I expected parenting to be like. I love him more than anything ever and he’s taught me so much about myself in so many ways, the only thing that seems to keep me going at the moment is the fact I’m all about gentle parenting and if I wasn’t here, he wouldn’t get brought up like that and also the trauma it would cause him if he didn’t have me here. I seem to have one good day a week maybe, the rest are a total struggle. The only joyful thing I can think of, is that he makes me laugh. Apart from that can someone give my head a wobble and point out what is enjoyable about this malarkey.

I could have written your post!! Had a week from hell with 2.5yr old DD. In this phase they just take and take and take. I get screamed at for the tiniest things, refusing to sleep (10pm yesterday and woke up on the dot of 7 today), constantly needing attention. I have to stay up late to catch up work and the sleep deprivation is insane. The only thing keeping me going is painkillers and coffee.

BUT on the upside she saw her first rainbow yesterday and it was heart-melting. I try to film as much as I can of the good moments so someday I will look back and know it was worth it!

To all the PPs talking about stopping breastfeeding, what are your best tips?? Especially at night? I've also been stuck BFing because it's the quickest method to calm her down and most nights I literally don't have to energy or mental reserves to deal with more tantrums if I refuse.

When you've reached the point that you're feeling suicidal, you need practical and emotional support, urgently.

1. make an appointment with your GP and tell them you might have depression and have been thinking about dying.
2. tell your partner/child's father you need urgent help and they need to step up.
3. think about weaning from the breast and sleep training.
4. consider going back to work (I'm assuming you aren't right now?) and putting your DC in childcare.

I have a very physical, boisterous toddler of about the same age that I breastfed past 2 and I honestly might have felt like you if I'd been home 24/7 and DH hadn't been stepping up. You need to make changes, now. For your own sake and your DC's.

french children don’t throw food

You don't have to follow the book like the bible, but take elements from it or take some inspiration. For me it was important to help reorientate my head and see life differently. Also because my mother is sacrificial and sees motherhood as the sole meaning of life, which didn't work for me - as I found the hard way

I think the details would be different for everyone, but ultimately it does connect to who you are and who you want to be

Sorry you're feeling this way OP, it is brave to admit it so it's good you recognise how you feel and are reaching out. Do you have anyone in real life who can offer support? Would you be comfortable speaking to a GP?

Personally for me I struggled during mat leave and found it all consuming, going to work gave me a balance and I genuinely love being a mum now. But it wasn't an easy road to find a balance that worked for us, and plenty of tears, support, struggles and frustration along the way.

Being a parent can feel relentless sometimes OP and it’s ok to say you feel like shit with it all. By the sounds of it though you could start to make changes that would be good for you and actually be ok for DS too.

At 2.5 he doesn’t need constant access to you for feeding. It’s absolutely ok to cut back and keep the breastfeed for bedtime and perhaps on waking in the morning. But he can now be drinking milk from a cup and having set meals. If he’s not filling up on breastmilk throughout the day he may up his intake of food and sleep more soundly .
You don’t say if you have a partner or not. If you have are they around for bedtime. If they are it’s absolutely ok and of benefit to put bedtime in their hands. DS could have a feed then you hand over to your partner for stories and a cuddle and tucking up in his cot/bed.

Gentle parenting shouldn’t mean that a child has everything they want whenever they want and that no boundaries are set. You can still be a gentle parent while insisting that bedtime means staying in bed and that he can’t pinch, nip or punch people etc. If you are suffering and miserable that’s not ok . Little ones are ok with age appropriate rules and consequences. You don’t have to do it with harshness or meanness .
I think lockdown will nave made life harder as well as the relationship is even more intense with not as many of the usual out of house activities to give you both a bit of a change.

I also fantasised about dying when I had a toddler and it was about existential problems and figuring who I want to be: having a child is so extreme, it just often forces people for the first time to confront what they perceive as normal (from their parents or other sources), how it plays out in relation to the unique person that is them, and what they want to be doing in life and what is valuable.

I think lots of people have offered excellent advice. But making big changes all at once can be hard. I would start with the breastfeeding. And then the sleep (although I think one would sort out the other).
Meanwhile you can carve out some time for yourself. I refuse to entertain or play with my kids all day. Even at 2.5. I would set stuff up, play and then gently move away. It takes time and patience but I was not their slave or constant play mate.
I often recommend the Five Minute Mum book but she’s also good for saying if you put in 5 mins of effort then go off to do something else that’s okay.

You have also talked about gentle parenting. I wouldn’t say I am a non gentle parent but I am quite strict. I wouldn’t tolerate being trodden or pinched. I would make my displeasure known. I am a human, I have feelings and mine are not subservient to that of someone whose brain hasn’t fully developed. I also think that within reason it is okay to discipline my child.

If a parenting method has left you suicidal (and your child pinching and kicking you) then you have to think about why that’s a method that’s worth continuing with.
Parenting is not all or nothing. I never really sleep trained my kids. I breastfed both. I even co-slept with both. But I wasn’t remotely an attachment parent. I went back to work, (one of mine loved a sling, one of my didn’t), I imposed rules, I disciplined them for breaking them, and I kept to a general routine.
I wanted to breastfeed so I did. I come from a co-sleeping culture so I did. All the women in my family have worked and I wanted to, so I did.
There is no singular parenting path to follow.

I have a 2yo and you have exactly described my son in your post. I sometimes wish I had an illness and need to stay in hospital for a week and covid allowing no visits meaning that I will get to spend a week on my own and all the tests and investigation will turn out that I have a trapped wind or something so nothing serious.

The issue is breast feeding. I've tried weaning off during the day and slowly would cut down hopefully. My husband is with me but DS kicks off if it's not me that settles him in the middle of the night so instead of having him wake himself up more, I become his bitch so he could carry on sleeping. It's not good I'm aware. Watching this thread with interest for advice.

Gentle parenting doesn't mean losing yourself as a person, I truly think people can take it a step too far.

I have 2 ds's, 5 yrs and 9 months, I love being a parent to them.
Ds1 was bf to 9 months, Ds2 will be bf for around a year (as he's still waking for it) however through the day they were/are bottle fed as I returned to work, I needed the work for my own MH and to pay the bills but also to keep my identity as my life is not purely about the kids.

In answer to your questions -

I am not a 24 hr slave, they sleep and I work and this really helps me be much more relaxed in the time I am with them.
I can't imagine there is anything enjoyable about losing your identity, which is why I returned to work.
Ds2 doesn't sleep through, but DH puts him to bed and I have an hour alone to bath and look after me.
nothing enjoyable about being exhausted either, I go to bed early most nights and usually have a nap on the weekends.
Children can be taught that biting/scratching hitting is not allowed while still being a gentle parent?

what I love about parenting will be completely different to what other people love, and what you end up loving. I do think you should speak with a GP, utilise your partner and stop being a martyr to being a parent.

excellent post from Chabishkoot - the question is also quite deep - why you choose this parenting method and feel so strongly about it being the only option even if it's harmful to you - is it connected to your own parents and your prior experience? In the end, it has little to do with your child, - children thrive under a variety of parenting techniques

There are a few old tricks. Rubbing lemon juice on your nipples so they don't like the taste, taking Sudafed to dry up your supply, putting plasters on them and saying the milk is broken etc etc.

Some people offer cows milk in a cup with a few drops of vanilla essence in it so the child gets excited about drinking it. Obviously you taper it down after the first week or so!

You don't have to do things this way. There's no rules really other than keeping you kid safe, loved and well. How you do it is your choice. Whether that's using screens a bit, letting the snack to give you peace, having other people mind them etc.

You sound incredibly tired and over it op. I gently sleep trained both my children from six months because I can't function without sleep and was hell to be around with very little sleep. If I hadn't I would probably feel like you! I'm sure you have already considered and ruled out sleep training but quite a lot of parents cope because they hit their breaking point and then they sleep train. Obviously if you don't want to then you need to find things to make your day a little bit easier.
The best thing I try to tell my self is look for the moments of joy in an ordinary day. Some days are hard slog and just drain the life out of you and you won't feel happy but always look for the small moments of joy. Their chubby hands giving you a bit hug like your the most important person in the world to them, their total belly laugh when you say boo, they dance like no one is watching. Toddlers are fun but only if you get a break. Do you have someone that can't give you a bit of a break ? I think that would make a difference.

Thank you for all your replies. Sometimes I think I just need a bit of understanding, which I don’t get from my partner. So I’m answer to some of you, yes I do have partner, however he’s not the best at understanding anything. Lacks compassion and empathy, to which I’m guessing is due to the way he was brought up. On top of that, he works and brings in the money, so it seems because of that he get to decide when he wants to a parent and when he doesn’t 🙄. He will come home and sit on the sofa, head emerged in his phone for hours. Nap when he wants. He was in charge of giving DS his nighttime bath but that’s had to stop as DS gets so hyped up that it then takes me ages to get him to sleep. If I bath him, he’s so much easier to get to sleep. DS co sleeps with me. I know he would be fine going in his own room but the thought of me having to actually get up and out of bed every night to see to his wake ups, the thought alone kills me. Apart from when my partner gives him a bath, DS is no trouble what so ever actually going to bed and even when it’s his nap time, he comes straight upstairs and is no hassle at all. We are at the stage of currently dropping his last nap so he is going to bed a bit earlier but a bit overtired so causing more night wake ups, again he isn’t really any bother when he wakes at night, just wakes me up for boob and goes straight back to sleep but 2 and a half years of broken sleep has taken its toll.

I do agree with most of you and I do think it’s time to stop the breastfeeding. My mindset was waiting til he was about 3, when he can understand a bit more. I think because of lockdown, the boob is just his bored go to. Nothing to do, oh I’ll have boob, just like I go to the fridge haha. He’s never gone to nursery, sometimes but very rarely goes to one of his nans but they can only handle him for a max of 2 hours until they are tired and obviously with lockdown there has not even been any of that.

Although I think of dying, I wouldn’t take my life. I tried a couple of times when I was a teenager and I wouldn’t get to that point again. I just think it seems to be the only way for me to get some much needed rest. I don’t think Gp is the right answer for me, I dont need meds, I need rest, I’m human and can only take so much. I think a big problem is my partner but I’ve tired and tired. In a rare time he has told me to stay in bed on the morning, I can’t even switch off because I know he will just take him downstairs and put him in front of the iPad whilst partner tries to drift off again, so I’m laying upstairs knowing DS won’t be given a drink, breakfast or have his nappy changed for a while, so I just get up. I mean I gave birth and came home still doing all the cleaning and cooking whilst looking after a new born. Partner didn’t help at all, why, because he was tired as well.... I mean I had given birth, I was sleeping downstairs with DS whilst my partner got to sleep upstairs in bed on his own not dealing with OUR child but yeah he was tired as well. 🙄

I also get met with comments like ‘I get more sleep than my partner’ - because he stays up will 2/3 in the morning watching tv, then goes to work and comes home and naps. So he’s more tired. His job is more physical blah blah. There’s just no understanding what I actually go through being a SAHM.

ElspethFlashman

There are a few old tricks. Rubbing lemon juice on your nipples so they don't like the taste, taking Sudafed to dry up your supply, putting plasters on them and saying the milk is broken etc etc.

Lol, my son will eat a lemon like it’s a sweet haha

You have a crap partner. I had one like that and it ended in divorce - though it took 7 years to get to the point of no return. I can't forgive him those early baby days - although he was never as bad as yours

Your biggest issue then really isn't parenting, its support.

you'd get more of a break of you and your partner split up, the stresses of not being happy with him and the resentment building will not be helping your MH at all.

What positives does your 'partner' bring?

DH and I both work FT, both in management roles, he gets home before me and hoovers and puts a wash on. He does babies bedtime (baby co sleeps after 1st wake up as its easier through the night) but he does go into his own room at 7pm. He is an asset to my day to day life, and I very much like him - from your post your partner brings you nothing but contempt and makes your life harder rather than easier.

scarredhere

I have a 2yo and you have exactly described my son in your post. I sometimes wish I had an illness and need to stay in hospital for a week and covid allowing no visits meaning that I will get to spend a week on my own and all the tests and investigation will turn out that I have a trapped wind or something so nothing serious.

Same lol!!

QforCucumber

Your biggest issue then really isn't parenting, its support.

you'd get more of a break of you and your partner split up, the stresses of not being happy with him and the resentment building will not be helping your MH at all.

This is literally what I think of, if we weren’t together, DS would at least go to him for one day a week, that’s a whole day I would get to rest, clean in peace, whatever but that one day a week would prob save me!

Oh there were horrid dark days with my 2 year old too, it was all just so depressing... I signed him to a local nursery 3 days a week it was great for both of us ❤️

I wanted to put him in nursery beginning of last year, the COVID rolled around with lockdowns. Im in England so have been on national lockdown for a while, so when I get the chance to be able to visit nursery’s and check them out and stuff, I will put him in nursery.

I enjoy being a parent (generally - not every second!) but I'd hate it if it meant being a slave/bitch, punched, trodden on, kicked and sucked on by a 2.5 year old all day, and not sleeping. You can try to change all these things though. Simply don't allow the punching etc. Walk away. Wean him - bf is wonderful but it isn't working for you anymore.

Yes I clean up etc after my kids but I don't see it as slavery. It's taking care of my family. There seems to be a bit of a martyr thing going on, you telling yourself that you are a slave that is forced to bf and be punched. You aren't a slave, you have choices.

What positives does your 'partner' bring?

Puts a roof over my head 🤷🏼‍♀️ - I feel like I have no leg to stand on at the moment and it’s down to me to do the child care, cleaning , cooking but I also know if I was working, it would still be me doing all that stuff after I come home from work. 🙄

It sounds to me like everyone she said that the issue is your partner as well as your insistence to stick to some kind of parenting ideology even to your detriment. If your partner won't step I really don't see why you're remaining with him as he's making your life more difficult at the moment anyway. Please reconsider your relationship and what the point of it is.

I would also relax with the parenting ideology and make decisions based on what suits you both best and allows you to be the best parent you can be. If that means stopping breastfeeding as soon as possible, do that. If that means some sort of sleep training, do that. If that means putting your DC in nursery a couple of days a week, do that. Your DC will benefit from whatever steps make you a happier and better rested parent.

Sorry, I think I’ve explained the pinching, pinching thing a bit wrong. None of it is on purpose. I just mean when he’s claiming on me and stuff, all accidentally but I think I’m so touched out most days, and also gets my rage up because of how I was treated as a kid by being hurt eg spanked. It never hurts me intentionally, think it’s more my inner child reacting when I do get hurt.