Can someone please point out what’s enjoyable about being a parent?!

[LB00]

I’m really struggling right now. I have a 2 and a half year old boy and have ALWAYS wanted to be a mum but right now and for a while I’m finding it really hard to understand what is enjoyable about being a parent.

What enjoyable about being someone’s bitch/slave 24/7?
What’s enjoyable about losing your identity?
What enjoyable about not having a full nights sleep for 2 and a half years?(he’s never slept through and I’m the only one that can put him to bed and deal with his wake ups)
What’s enjoyable about being so exhausted you can barely function most days?
What’s enjoyable about having your clothes pulled, used a climbing frame, hurt (by accident) but who likes spending each day being pinched, scratched, punched, trodden on etc.
Being sucked on all day (he’s still breastfeed)

For the last few weeks I seem to be thinking about dying quiet a lot just to get some much needed rest and be able to shut off for a while. This is not what I expected parenting to be like. I love him more than anything ever and he’s taught me so much about myself in so many ways, the only thing that seems to keep me going at the moment is the fact I’m all about gentle parenting and if I wasn’t here, he wouldn’t get brought up like that and also the trauma it would cause him if he didn’t have me here. I seem to have one good day a week maybe, the rest are a total struggle. The only joyful thing I can think of, is that he makes me laugh. Apart from that can someone give my head a wobble and point out what is enjoyable about this malarkey.

You sound very run down. And not surprisingly given what you've said. I think if you could work on his sleep and gently night wean, you might feel brighter. Maybe worth talking to your GP if you feel low. Everything is harder when you are tired and or depleted.

God love you, I feel for you I really do and what you wrote just there confirms need for a mindset change as much or even moreso than practical advice around sleep training etc though that is also very useful of course. Until you realise that you matter, that you don't exist only to serve other people, then you will keep repeating the same patterns and experiencing similar issues. I often think about how I want my children to be when they grow up - not jobs or anything like that but moreso character traits and I reckon the best way to get there is to model those traits myself. So I want them (a boy and a girl) to be independent and self-aware, kind and loving but not a pushover, to use their hearts but also their heads, to have good judgement (which is not the same as being judgemental) to be able to laugh at themselves, to be curious and engaged, and whatever shit life throws at them, to be able to able to surf it with some confidence but not be afraid to lean on other people either. Ok, a tall order and everyone will have their own list. It amazes me how often I hear parents (myself included!) bemoaning behaviours or traits in their children that they are guilty of themselves.

Probably because you were raised to please you parents, you are/were so tolerant of your partner. His behaviour towards you and his DS shouldn't be tolerated in this day and age!

I know you said it’s easier for you to co-sleep. I thought this too but with both my children found there came a point where we were waking each other up and we both slept better in separate rooms. Yes I had to get out of bed for the night wakings but they were waking less and I felt much better psychologically for being able to stretch out in bed and have the space back to myself. A little night light might help them settle or at two a groclock can help. My eldest is quite behind for his age but since two has understood his groclock and stays in bed until the sun comes on. Might be worth trying separate bedrooms and seeing if that helps at all x

It's so difficult when they're little and I remember really struggling and suddenly when dd was 4 and I was able to get on with a few more bits without her clinging to me, a switch flipped. She slept better, talked to me more, went to pre school. Much better

Going to be honest about what I've discover through own experience and from listening to others. Some people love every stage of parenting, others find some bits more enjoyable than others.

I'll be honest I found birth to about 6months pure he'll, found toddler years great fun, loathed 7yr to 13yrs, but generally happy with teenagers. I've found where I excel and conceded when I'm not great

We posted at the same fine yesterday op so you might not have seen my second post but that says a but more about how I night weaned using the books and a gro clock.

OP you absolutely need to knock bf on the head &get him in childcare if you can..your feelings sound completely logical in your situ but im suspicious PND may be at the root of the emtional stuff.Parenthood isnt felt like this by many people. You need to have an honest convo with your GP asap-mine helped me initially detatch as i had massive sense of guilt /refusal over putting DD(aged1at the time)in her own room&letting others help me. I felt exactly like you and turns out i had severe PND.I will always regret not speaking to someone sooner but i felt such a mixture of shame/guilt/exhaustion and numbness&most of the time wished id die in my sleep as i didnt have the guts to top myself &leave DD alone. Parenthood really will get better but it will start by detatching yourself and reclaiming some heads pace and physical distancing. Big hugs

OP you sound exactly like a younger me, you poor thing, it's not a nice place to be in at all!

I call it being burnt out from parenting.

No support from your partner plus all the demands of a relationship, plus a demanding toddler. Trying to get it "right" by following attachment/gentle parenting (all good things BTW, but flawed, as I learned later) and perhaps trying to overcompensate a bit for a father who is too strict or too uninterested?

My child I felt like this about is now 12. He was 3 when I was having those thoughts about moving out or dying but not being able to bear the effect I knew it would have on him. Honestly I just struggled through it for 2 years and it really affected our relationship, it took a long time to get it back, and by the time I did, it wasn't the same. I felt guilty about that for ages until I realised he'd just grown up! But I feel I missed an important transition stage in our relationship by being emotionally absent and I regret that.

My second child is the same age as yours now. I don't feel anything like the same way - the difference is I have a supportive partner who does his share of parenting and allows me to have a break. I've learned about boundaries and while I'm not always perfect at enacting them, even having a few has made such a huge difference. And I'm alert/aware of that shift that happened for me with my first around age 3 and I won't just let it happen if it happens again. I'll ask for help.

I could write a really long post and it would go on forever but I'm not sure that would be that useful (I'm trying not to do this!) so instead I'll put some bullet points and would be happy to expand if you are interested in any of them? I could go on about any one of these topics in much more detail!

• Night weaning - I think there are really 5 methods in total for this. Cold turkey (not for me), Cold turkey/replace with another settling method, including discussion/preparation (can work at this age), stretching/breaking the feed-to-sleep association (worked better for me with DC1 who was in a single bed), changing my own night time response, holding boundaries (worked for me this time), wait for them to grow out of it (does eventually work, but sounds like you're ready for something more proactive).

• Relationship - argh this is so tricky, isn't it? There is so much to untangle. It sounds like your partner is not respectful or supportive of you, and therefore it's quite likely that he doesn't respect your boundaries. In fact he might even discourage, belittle or dislike you trying to have any boundaries at all. In this kind of environment, it can be incredibly hard to practice upholding boundaries for someone else, even your child. If you feel your partner is too emotionally unavailable towards your son, it's also likely that you'll double down on the emotional availability you are offering your child to try and compensate, which may be more than you can spare. And if you feel that he is too strict or harsh, you are probably tempted to go easy on your son and let more things go so that he gets "a break". This whole dynamic is really unhelpful. And if there is any kind of intimidation, verbal abuse, aggression or just chaotic behaviour from your partner in general this can be incredibly unsettling to children and he might well be needing more from you, or displaying (more) challenging behaviour in response to this. And toddlers are challenging to begin with!

• Parenting/toddlers/discipline - I will start by saying that I LOVE the premise of attachment parenting and gentle parenting. So very many things about it are absolutely 100% right and true IMO. But what I've found out in 13 years of parenting is that there is a kind of taboo within gentle parenting and this is around the topic of boundaries. The issue is that AP/GP as a movement is a reaction to a general understanding or culture of parenting and discipline as being a battleground or power struggle. And the context is important, because as a parent you'll never get the balance quite 100% perfect - at any time, or in general, you will err on the side of too authoritarian or too permissive. Ideal is somewhere in the middle, there are several points along this middle scale which are generally fine for children. Most people err on the side of too authoritarian, because our culture explains parenting this way. So originally, AP/GP was conceived as a way to help parents move away from the authoritarian side towards the permissive side in order to end up at a more healthy place in the middle. If you happen to be on the other side, and err naturally on the side of too permissive, a lot of AP/GP resources will sound absolutely perfect to you, but they won't work because they are pushing your natural tendencies in the wrong direction. I've since found some better resources which help - the most helpful to me has been Janet Lansbury/RIE. She has an amazing blog and podcast called Unruffled and it's helped me reframe a lot of things about children's behaviour, boundaries, emotions.

• People-pleasing/boundaries in general - it sounds like your childhood might have given you the impression that enforcing boundaries is something mean and frightening and unpleasant for the recipient, or can only be done using force which might be why it's something you are afraid of doing. This is not the case, but it can take a lot of re-training and learning new information, which is hard to do when you're under a lot of pressure in other ways. You may also feel extremely sensitive to rejection or anxious that if you don't keep everyone happy at all times, they will no longer like you. This can be as a result of negative experiences or it can just be a personality trait! It can be overcome as well - people pleasing is not actually a good way to make people like you in a genuine way, what it tends to mean is that people will take advantage of you.

Ah hon I hear you. I've felt the same way (I have 2.5 year old twins so double the trouble). As others have said it's probably time to start dropping the BF.

You can't do it all yourself, you need sleep. How receptive is your partner in helping? I initially asked my DH to look after them for a few hours each Saturday afternoon so I could go get some sleep. Then DH started doing bedtimes with me until he tried on his own. Boys played up initially (I just left them to sort it out themselves and they did) and it took some time but now either of us can put them down and he does get up in the night regularly to give me s bit of extra sleep. Having that extra support has really helped.

There are lots of fun things but it's hard to see when you're tired. Do you think DH would be willing to try help more? Xx

Your son needs to be weaned.

And it sounds like ‘gentle parenting’ isn’t working.

You need to set firm boundaries and stop letting him walk all over you.

Op there is a great podcast called Unruffled by Janet Lansbury, if you Google it you’ll see her website and there is a huge list of topics that she’s covered. I mention it because I think she’s very good on respectful parenting that understands the child but also on maintaining firm boundaries for the parent. I’ve found it very helpful

I agree with pps though your main issue is your lack of support from your partner. This is not acceptable.

If you're fed up with breast feeding, you can stop now! You've done your stint. He's on solid food.

They are exhausting and clingy at that age but for me the massive benefits were their unbelievable cuteness, the funny things they say, the way they try so seriously to be grown ups, the amazing milestones they achieve as they pick up new skills, new words, the massive excitement at the world - their joy at WOW! A DOG!!!! A DIGGER!!!! LIKE WOW!!!!!

I also loved the excuse to return to doing childish things like visiting city farms, jumping in puddles, kicking up leaves, going sledging, building snowmen, dens in and outside the house etc. I loved reading them rhymes and stories. I just enjoyed all that.

But it's all such a slog when you are exhausted. The fun drains out of everything if you are too tired to function. to you. This bit is hard but it passes.

Honestly from reading these posts, ‘gentle parenting’ sounds like an absolute nightmare and a ticking time bomb for mothers’ mental health.

I also loved how they taught me new things. DS adored music from a very young age. He was 11 months old when he burst out laughing and starting kissing the screen and dancing when a band I'd never heard of came on the tv from Glastonbury. They are now my favourite band. From then on, he has encouraged me to have wider musical taste. I was never interested in science but spent hours in science museums and discovery centres because DC were, and loved it. They open up the world for us.

OP it's really important to start leaving the house so that your H can get used to caring for your DS. He is about to go on a journey of learning new caring skills (hopefully). This is something he hasn't done before and it will take time for him to learn how to settle your DS.

Don't step in if he's making a mess of it, as that's taking away the learning space. You also need to let his standards be lower than yours (as long as they are not harmful). It's obviously not ok if your DS doesn't get a drink or whatever when he wakes for the day but a bit of screen time under lockdown is okay (try the Khan Kids app).

I can MASSIVELY recommend Positive Discipline as a parenting method. It is basically gentle parenting with calmly placed boundaries. It revolutionised my life. I am the only parent I know who has an ASD child who has never had a meltdown and a very strong willed child who didn't tantrum during the toddler years. Both of them were absolutely calm teens too. Positive Discipline is the magic tool. I don't know why it's not more widely known. Maybe because it's not an extreme. People love extremes - being the Boss or the Doormat. This is neither - it's balanced. Slow process getting the hang of it, but worth it.

Get your son weaned. I breastfed to 2, and I was nearly killed by it, at the end. He was waking up 8 or 9 times a night for comfort feeds. It had to stop.

Your partner needs to go. He’s a lump. What does he even give you?

Once he’s gone, your son will be eligible for 30 free hours of nursery when he turns 3, assuming you get a job (part time or otherwise). I think going back to work would do WONDERS for your sense of self.

Finally- don’t underestimate how hard the pandemic has been on little ones and parents. It’s shit.

Honestly, I’m so much happier as a single parent. I suspect you might be too.

Hi OP

I've not read all the replies but just wanted to give a virtual hug and say that it really does get easier as they get older and start sleeping better. Please hold on, you will enjoy it in time. I think 4 was is my target age for life to be enjoyable again! It sounds like your partner isn't very helpful. I strongly advise just having one child with him.

Reading all your replies and having a bit of time to reflect on things, I think my problem is my partner and lack of support. 2 and a half years of broken sleep every night and I’ve never had a lie in or a nap to catch up on any of my lost sleep. One of you mentioned being burnout, and that I believe is exactly where I am and have been for so long.

A lot of how I feel is down to how many wakes ups DS the night before. Today I feel good, DS slept quite well last night, yesterday was not a good day, DS woke up loads the night before but he’s stopping his last nap at the moment, so he is all over the place himself a bit at the moment.

A couple of you mentioned Janet ladbury - I have a couple of her books, her and Sarah Octwell smith are my favs. Tbh, before I was pregnant and had DS, my mindset was ‘kids have no respect these days they need to go back to being spanked’ - so thank god I came across Janet and Sarah, because I’m not sure how I would be treating DS if I hadn’t. - I was very much brought up in a strict environment, being spanked for ‘being naughty’, ignored when I had done something wrong, sent to my room etc, which I have now learnt, led me to feeling completely unloved pretty much all my childhood and up till this point -

now I am aware of all of this, even though I know My mum knew no better, I really struggle with our relationship. So I am fully aware of the detrimental effects that style of parenting has on kids as they grow up. I’ve spent my life jumping from one relationship to another with pretty much anyone that paid me attention desperately seeking the love I needed as a child. Although i say my parenting style is gentle parenting, I don’t stick to it like the bible, but it has given me a much better understanding of how and what little people need. I dont know how I’ve made DS sound in all of this but some of you are mentioning letting him walk all over me and stuff, but that’s really not the case. This isn’t me getting my ‘mothering backup’ and getting defensive either lol he is actually so kind and sweet, he makes me laugh so much, he’s incredibly polite and it’s just my exhaustion that makes this all so much harder. If I had time away from him and breaks, it would all be so much easier, but I will look at getting him into nursery ASAP.

GinAndTonicOnIt - you are completely correct I just the one child with him, I’ve always wanted at least 2 but there is no way I could go through this all again which is such a shame.

AnaisNun -

Before the Pandemic , my partner used to work away quite a bit, when he did I found things so much easier. I think I struggle when he’s here because I expect him to help and he doesn’t so it makes me mad. Yet when he’s not here, my mindset is ‘ I’ve have to do everything myself ‘ and it works so much better and I feel so much better and everything runs well.

AnaisNun -

Also massively agree with you about going back to work. I have always worked and supported myself, worked in sales and alway had extremely generous pay packets. Whilst all my life all I ever wanted to be was a SAHM, it seems this isn’t what’s best for me. Having to rely on someone else for money is a big problem for me and partly why I feel like I’ve lost my identity. I hate not providing for myself.

Just want to thank all of you for taking time to reply and give your opinions. Every message has been beneficial ❤️