Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

@willowsandroses I remember us chatting on another thread :) thank you for reaching out, I’ve replied to your message.

@LikeTheOceansWeRise yes DH shares the load with me at the weekends which is why I look forward to them so much. It’s so much easier with him around, not just because he’s an extra pair of hands but because he keeps me sane

@willowsandroses I’m a bit of a nervous driver so I tend to just take DS out in our local area which gets very boring and repetitive for me, probably why it feels more like a chore :/ I want to go other places with him as I know it would do me the world of good but I hate driving so much

Oh and PMSL at concerned posters saying ‘he shouldn’t be awake longer than ...’

Mine was once awake for eight hours! I was going absolutely out of my mind! To be fair that was an exceptionally bad day.

A typical day is - up between 7-8, ds is in a good mood and will tolerate the playmat or bouncy chair for twenty minutes to let me get showered and dressed. (Mine likes the hairdryer.)

Usually a short nap on me in the rocking chair between 10 and 11. He should apparently be sleeping longer and sooner. He doesn’t. Oh well.

An insane octopus act around midday as he’s grumpy and won’t sleep where I have lunch and juggle eating with ds and getting ready to go out.

At about 1 we go out, sleeps in the car, often sleeps in the pram for a bit then sleeps on the way back.

Then sometimes I can persuade him to sleep for 30-60 mins in the evening. Usually I can’t.

Bath between 7 and 8, in his crib between 9 and 10.

He’s a lovely baby, yours is too but it is bloody HARD! I was starting to hate the sling because ds was in it so much.

One thing ds does seem to like is a sleepyhead pod. He doesn’t sleep in it but will lie in it next to me on the sofa having a chat. Just means I can eat / have a cup of tea. One day with ds I didn’t get a chance to eat all day. Non nappers are hard work.

How about one of these, @bleachblondemom - might be worth a try?

Rockit portable baby rocker. Fits any stroller, pram, pushchair or buggy https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B076KP7HKW/ref=cmswwrcppapifabcc_GT2S3PDQYFRY2AR8ZMAM

What helped me was to completely stop looking at the clock. Its harder now in lockdown but I just dod what I had to do and if she feel asleep bonus, if not then I knew she would soon!

You’re being very hostile and controlling over the exact replies you want from this thread, OP. Instead of typing out paragraphs berating people who bothered to reply, why not watch an episode of something, play an app, do something else, since this thread is causing you such distress.

even, I was exactly the same.

Being tired, stressed, overwhelmed, isolated and anxious does lend itself very easily to irritation, frustration and anger. I think op has been pretty good about it: there was one point for me when mentioning slings, fourth trimester or huckleberry apps was liable to have me in a rage and I’m normally very calm believe it or not!

Be kind, maybe?

Oh and I can’t watch an episode of anything much, I have brief windows of ten minutes or so where I express milk but they are brief. Non napping babies don’t let you do much! I’m actually walking round the village with my baby in a pram!

*If you were a man you'd get torn to threads on this thread.

Get some anger management NOW - shouting and screaming at your baby isn't normal and it will be a matter of time before you hurt her/him. It isn't right - you NEED help.*

Do fuck off. Men don't actually give birth to babies and suffer the same effects.

Op look up post partum rage and pnd. I felt like an absolute monster and couldn't work out what was wrong with me.

I think if you were able to address how you're feeling, possibly go on anti depressants, you might feel more relaxed.

Some babies are just shit nappers. But at such a young age every time you get into some routine and think you can predict them they change again. He might not nap this week but he might next week. I had to hold my baby through many periods of non sleeping during the day and at night. Definitely not easy.

My son is now 6, but I remember these feelings as though they were yesterday and when he was the same age as your son. I eventually got diagnosed with post-natal anxiety after I broke down sobbing in the rain in my mum’s garden. I received help from the Crisis team via my GP. Is this something to consider?

You have all my sympathies, it’s soul destroying.

@willowsandroses THIS 👌🏻 having a baby is HARD! And some of the keyboard warriors putting this poor lady down for having the bloomin courage to say how she's feeling is a shambles! I think most have read "shouting" and "baby" and linked the two to red flags which is crazy! They haven't noticed "I love my baby" "alone all week" or "a bad week".
We all feel stress, we all get worked up and we all do not live this perfect motherhood which is portrayed particularly on social media...I don't know of any mother who hasn't felt like she's going insane some days or failing if the day doesn't go how she planned. This is life. This is reality and to openly seek help I think is so brave.
We're in a world at the moment where we can't do anything other than walk around the same block or do the same mundane things day in day out and it's exhausting - I obsessed so much over feeding schedules and naps I'm still like it but during lockdown it's these things we become so focused on because it's all we know, we're not living life normally right now. Yes babies have an awake window but at the same time not every baby is the same, the same as where every adult is not the same...some stay up late, some like to not even go to bed and that is just human nature.
Solidarity is what we all crave at times which feel so testing. We're all getting to know a little human who doesn't know the world like we do and it's so hard to understand what might be "wrong" with our babies when they don't even know themselves. GP's and HV are there to support us and speaking out to them doesn't mean you're a bad mum, speaking out to them is what they're there for and from my own personal experience you decide yourself which route you wish to go down with them. From my experience I chose to go down CBT therapy which I found so useful, I didn't want to speak to friends or family how I felt as I didn't want to be hit with the "he's just a baby and that's what babies do" because it doesn't help. The same as telling a person who's sad to stay positive 🤦🏻‍♀️ if there's one thing I can give advice on though...babies aside...is if you were sat with your best friend right now, what advice would you give them? You'd find the right, kind words to comfort them in a time they need you the most. No one talks to you more than you do yourself ❤️
(Preparing for any backlash but this feed has got me a bit hyped up! 🙈)

There was nothing ‘unkind’ about my post, so take your own advice. OPs time may be better spent doing something that isn’t making her angry and feel victimised, since this thread is causing her such upset.

@HopingforbabyD thank you for understanding x

This post has clearly derailed somewhat, but I just wanted to give you want you asked for - some sympathy.

Babies are difficult and frustrating, and every time you think you have the hang of it, something changes and you have to adapt to a whole new routine.

Is he your first?

It’s understandable to have wobbles. Hormones all over the place, sleep deprivation etc. All take a toll and the usual patience can go out the window along with your ability to function properly.

When I got overwhelmed when my dc wouldn’t sleep, I would call my dh for advice. I would be sobbing my heart out not knowing what to do, and often in the First months he would even come home from work to help. Not saying yours can, but maybe you need to give him a heads up you might call him and he needs to be there for you. Just having someone to talk to really helps. (Dc wasn’t much help tbh, but it did calm me down).

Maybe stop actively trying to get baby to sleep. It’s clearly not working, and it’s causing you undue stress. Instead, talk to him. Show him you understand he must be tired, let him cry in your arms and just know you’re there for him. It’s the only way I got through it. Go outside, play with him, read to him, put on some music.

And if you’re feeling angry, put him someplace safe and walk away for a couple of minutes. It’s the best advice I ever had. But he has to be safe, and not left for long. Take a breath or two, then go back in.

I’ve had several days of baby just screaming for hours at that age, wanting me, not wanting me, it was awful (dh had a lot of phone calls from me those days).

It took a lot for you to reach out for help, and please don’t feel like a bad parent. You’re only doing your best and sometimes venting is a good thing. It must be super hard being on your own all day.

Equally - Many people are just showing concern for you and baby. Please don’t misconstrue the intentions of many posters here. They were probably well meant.

I hope today has gone better for you.

If you’re feeling up to it, have a read of ‘the book i wish my parents read’ It’s all about how we parent and how we were raised. I found it very insightful.

@bleachblondemom @willowsandroses

Hello you two, sending you both love. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time at the moment bleach, I hope you can remember how tough it was for willows at one point and I'm so glad to hear how well you and DS are doing now, so know that it can change so quickly and in another couple of weeks you might be here telling us it'll get better.

DS had his best night's sleep last night in weeks, it's the first time I haven't had to hold him from 3/4am onwards. Today however all I feel like I've done for 7 hours straight is try to get him to sleep and keep him there. He still won't sleep in his Moses basket during the day, or crib, bouncy chair, car seat, pram, play mat. Only on me or the sling and he won't just fall asleep in it, he needs rocking and white noise and singing.

Today we went out for a walk and he actually fell asleep after 45 minutes of walking, stayed asleep all around the supermarket and I experimented with keeping the pram still while shopping and he slept through it. Got to the park, sat down in the sun, and he woke up. So back home and he's back in the sling now.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day!

Our three boys all sound very similar still.

OP you said that you 'try not to aim it at the baby' when you're shouting and screaming which to me and other posters sounds like on occasion you are shouting directly at him/her.

Yes, I think it's great you have opened up but your post is very concerning and I don't understand how you cannot see that? I also don't understand how others are called the not so positive comments 'judgemental' - they are but based on the information purely given by the OP.

I still genuinely think you need to see a doctor, if you have shouted at your baby (you haven't said you haven't, just that you haven't wrote it) you're losing your temper to a point you cannot control and whatever the reason thay may be you need to address it and get help for it now.

I really hope you get the help you need. I know it's hard and I sympathise, but cannot access the shouting at a 10 week old is normal.

OP I'm sorry you are feeling like this however Just because the answers / advice aren't want you want to hear doesn't mean they are wrong.

OP you are a GOOD mum. Coming here & acknowledging what you are doing and feeling bad.... you care about your child we know that, You know it's not right getting angry at a 10 week old. This stage is hard. We all need a little help. Ring your GP. Have a sit down with your mum and your husband and formulate a plan. I bet your tolerance and Patience would be 10 x better if you had more help.

It's not normal to have such anger and frustration and these feelings towards a baby.

10 week olds are clingy. They don't nap when you want them to and most of the time they need to be moving. I've been there. It's hard, the baby isn't doing anything wrong.

Neither are you.
You just need help.
Don't be ashamed. Reach out.
It will benefit both you and your baby.

I think it is rather unkind to say or insinuate someone shouldn’t post and should watch tv instead but we can agree to disagree.

addler I was thinking about you and your ds the other day funnily enough and you are right, things were tough for me - in fact it is probably fair to say I was barking mad at one point! It wasn’t exactly lack of sleep but worry and guilt and panic. I now recognise ds will sleep when tired and I can help him but I can’t force him. It’s tough doing it alone, and it isn’t always possible or practical for partners to drop everything and help.

I think it’s very normal to sometimes feel anger and frustration towards children. What is wrong Is acting in that: op isn’t upsetting her child, she’s upsetting herself.

Hope you're having a better day OP.
I'm a gran now but still remember the sheer frustration when my babies wouldn't nap.
Babies are so unpredictable, one day its 3 hours the next its less than 20 minutes.
Don't be hard on yourself.
Remember this will pass and before you know it your ds will be so independent that you'll wish he would let you hold him.
Hope you get some rest this weekend.

Get some anger management NOW - shouting and screaming at your baby isn't normal and it will be a matter of time before you hurt her/him. It isn't right - you NEED help.

It is not a matter of time before you hurt them. This thread must have hit a nerve I swear.

Anyone who says shit like this has not experienced the torment the OP and others have clearly been through.

For me: Waking up every 45 minutes for 3.5 months.. completely refusing to settle for a nap in the day even though clearly completely exhausted. For months, we’re not talking days or weeks here, this shit can go on for months with no clear end point.

Any human being woken up every 45 minutes for 3.5 months is going to be ratty at times. Shouting as a one off in pure desperation is not harming your baby. It does not mean you’re depressed. It’s a desperate cry for help. Reading tension that you have no other way of releasing.

Too many times through that 3.5 month period I would explain the situation to someone and they’d go ‘poor DC’ not one person gave a fucking shit about me or DP and our mental health during that time. When I told my dad how many times DC woke up he started crying and gave me a big long hug because it dawned on him what that actually meant.

It’s like you’re expected to be superhuman because you chose to have a child. News flash were not super human. We get all the emotions everyone else gets in normal life except we’re alone because there’s a pandemic.

I don’t believe for one second that the OP is going to harm her baby, otherwise she wouldn’t be here asking/crying out for help. She’s have already done it.

My first baby didn't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time for the first 3 or 4 months at least. Severe reflux. I was crazy sleep deprived. So saying we don't understand because we haven't experienced the torment isn't true. I literally googled to see how long it would be before I died of sleep deprivation one day, I was sure it was just a matter of time.
Despite this, I never yelled at/ near her. This isn't because I'm perfect. She is now a toddler who has way more screen time than is appropriate and gets away with various other things that wouldn't put me in the running for any "best parent" award.
It's because I developed other ways to cope. That's, I think, why people are trying to signpost the OP to get help.it's not judging (well its not on my part) but genuine concern that she is struggling and not really telling anyone in real life how badly. Her baby is normal, her response is not and she needs help to address it.

*not judging. That was meant to say its not judging. FFS.

It’s not really about judging just helping. I think we all know the GP is there but ADs are not a magical cure all and sometimes can cause more problems than they solve. I’m not saying it’s not worth consideration but it can be a bit dismissive - go to your GP - when actually it’s not really a GP type problem.

I’m really not trying to be defensive when I know people are concerned but when I’m sat here in tears because I feel so awful, it really doesn’t help to be told that I’m abusive and I’m going to eventually physically harm my child. If I thought my behaviour was appropriate i wouldn’t be here now telling you all how ashamed of myself I am. Everything I do is for him, I’m not trying to get him to sleep so I can have a break from him. I’m trying to get him to sleep for his own well-being. And maybe he is ok with short naps, maybe it’s not hurting him, but all I read constantly is baby should be asleep for X amount of hours in 24, and there wake windows should only be X amount of hours. So I’m thinking, shit my baby isn’t getting enough sleep, I better work my fucking ass off to get him more sleep.
@FTEngineerM thank you for your kind words and for being understanding. And to everyone else that has been supportive. I don’t feel so down today, I haven’t pressured DS to nap, I’ve just helped him to sleep when I can and let him stay asleep however long he wants. I didn’t get upset when he woke up after half an hour, I let him get up and eat and play, and we tried again a little while later.

And once again to people assuming the worst- i never said I screamed at him. I have screamed into a pillow into another room a couple of times to let the frustration out before going back to him. Or sometimes I just cry. I have shouted at him things like ‘why won’t you just sleep’ etc which I am very upset and ashamed about but not like in his face. But some of you are jumping to the conclusion I’m screaming blue murder at him for some reason??