Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

10 weeks is so so tiny still. You're lucky he sleeps well at night. My DD has never been a great napper. She's 19 months now. I wish I'd spent less time worrying about her sleep and more time enjoying her.

When my baby was this age, he wasn’t in a routine as he was too young. But I figured out that he would rub his eyes when he was tired so I would put him in his cot/pram whenever he did this and he would go to sleep! It then evolved that he’d stay awake for around an hour and a half between naps so I started to time this and eventually this turned into a more reliable routine. I ended up following the ‘Little Ones’ App once he was old enough at about 4-5 months.

@bleachblondemom I don’t doubt at all you love and cuddle and hug your baby. You’re here asking for help. Because you want the best for your baby. You’re a great mum who is self aware and on a path to learn how to support your child to a great future.

I don’t see any failure in your posts. I see a mum who is doing her utmost to give her baby what it needs based on the knowledge she has, to the point where she’s physically exhausting herself. When she has continued to struggle, she’s asked for help.

The posters are kind of missing the point when they “what about” if a man posted this. Yes, if a woman posted about her partner’s anger that they weren’t acknowledging or seeking help for me might say LTB. But if a man did come here saying I’m struggling, he would probably get a mix of advice and blows, cos it’s an Internet forum. The point is when someone asks for help, you give them kindness and compassion and they can use that as a resource to make changes. They’re also missing that you already said you’d seek support.

It’s another tragedy of the pandemic, that we’re struggling without baby groups and the usual new mum support network, and then when a mum hits the point she’s desperate enough to post on an anonymous forum, you get posts from well-meaning people, but they’re not actually trained or incentivised to communicate with you in a way that will actually help.

My in real life support network, I know lots of mums who have/do experience the anger. Those saying they never did, maybe the pandemic made it more common.

Personally I stayed away from apps like huckleberry and wonder weeks, it was just more “suppose to” which I knew would feed the sense of not doing it right or well enough. The thing that helped the most was baby cues and communication because then I just watch and respond and connect with baby, rather than trying to achieve something.

Hope you find the support you need. Where I am there’s two charities which specifically provide support for mums with anxiety and wellbeing, as well as the NHS service. I can give you the names via PM and you can see if you have similar locally?

I’m not going to post again, as I promised myself I could make an account as long as I don’t spend ages dragged into internet comments! I just had to reply to you though, as you seem genuine, like you want help and I really identified with where you’re at. I think at the 8 week mark they become curious and are just too interested in the world to allow themselves to sleep. Whereas when smaller, I could watch tv and zone out and baby would sleep too. The sleep situation hasn’t changed, but having support, feeling understood and making local friends in same position has helped me deal with it better - even a laugh sometimes!

None of my kids napped much in the day and they all slept badly at night. They're all great and high achievers. I get it's tough but if your baby doesn't want to nap, he doesn't. Don't obsess. Do stuff with him. Don't worry about housework or whatever. Get out and about with him. And when he's ready sleep will come. You're lucky because he's sleeping at night - please try to chill out. And maybe consider seeing your GP? I feel this is more about you than the baby. Take care of yourself.

I was completely obsessed with DS' nap schedule at one point: if I didn't get it right first thing, my day was ruined. I had no support day to day and a husband who frequently worked away. I absolutely get the frustration but you do need to seek some support from your family, HV or GP. You know your reaction isn't right, but you can change that.

My DD is a couple of weeks older than your baby and it's completely different - I can't go for hour long walks or drive up and down the dual carriageway for ages with a 3yo in tow (because if he naps it'll be worse than if she doesn't!) She just has to get on with it tbh - sometimes she has to cry, sometimes I have to put her down minutes after she's been cuddled to sleep and she wakes up, sometimes we end up missing a nap altogether and she's cranky. All those things happened since 3pm today btw. Key things are that she's loved, fed and clean - like your baby is too, sometimes you just have to let things go.

Mine also doesn't nap well. 10-20 min most mornings and an hour in some afternoons. Sone days she doesn't nap at all. She sleeps great at night though, 12 hours with o e or two quick milk breaks. You just cant make someone else sleep, can you?

I stopped doing "nap" times but do "relaxing" times now. So there is no pressure on either of us. We do nappy change- milk (breast or bottle if she is too tired, burp, play (or bath or walk) and then she gets put in the playpen in my living room at a time that she is happy and relaxed. She then either looks around and at her hands or the birds outside and can choose to sleep or not. I'm sitting nearby on the couch with my drink, snack and phone. It takes the pressure off.

Sorry I didn’t reply to any more comments last night, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and wanted a break. Thank you for your comments, I wish I could reply to them all individually. For those of you who took the time to write really long messages of kindness and advice, I have read and appreciated every single one and I haven’t ignored you.

Unfortunately some of you just made me feel worse. Telling me that I am abusive, that I’m probably going to physically hurt my baby. Coming here just to tell me that ‘he’s 10 weeks old’ and then fucking off, like that’s helped me in the slightest. Like because I’ve only had 10 weeks of this, I shouldn’t dare feel like I’m struggling. Really not helpful to someone who already feels fucking horrendous. It was very hard for me to write that post and admit to my appalling behaviour. I was desperate, I needed help. You made me feel like some sort of irrational raging monster. And it’s hardly filled me with the confidence to go to my gp or confide in my family & friends if that’s what people are going to think of me. So if you’re still reading this thread, please don’t reply. I really don’t need it.

Also, why have some of you decided Im shouting and screaming at my baby? I said I screamed into a pillow, and in another room I might add. And when I am shouting/sobbing about why he won’t just fucking sleep and what a little dickhead he is (yep I said it, judge away), I direct it away from him as much as I can. But obviously he still hears me and it still upsets him.

But to those of you who posted kind, understanding and sympathetic messages, a genuine thank you. Some of the things you have said have been so lovely, I don’t even feel like I deserve any sympathy right now because I still feel so awful. But some of the fog from the last few days has lifted, and I am feeling ready to be a better person. I love my son so much and I hate myself more than words can say for how upset and angry I’ve been with him this week. I do feel a need to control everything in my life, that’s the kind of person I am. I really need to learn to let that go, I know now that it will hinder me as a parent. I didn’t realise it would affect my mental health so much, but nobody really sees it coming do they?

I promise to myself and my son that I am going to do better. Not perfect, but better. Even though I’m mentally & physically tired, and the pain in my back & neck from the wearing him in the sling is giving me constant headaches, and my feet ache, and the pain in my knees is agonising, and I walk him in the pram every day until I can barely stand. I will do better for both of us because I love him so much it makes me cry.

There’s not much more I want to say on this thread as it’s been very overwhelming and I’ve spent a lot of time crying and feeling like the shittest mom in the world, and I just want to move on now. Thank you again to everyone who has been kind to me when I really didn’t deserve it, but I needed it.

That’s the thing, when my daughter was this age, she’s now 23, there was no Internet and we had no family support. So naps was not a thing for us. No one told us about naps.

We literally got up in the morning and cracked on with our day. She was on the play mat being played with or being fed/changed, in the garden with us in her pram (it was summer) ,or in her bouncy chair. If she fell asleep she did so naturally when I was doing something else, hoovering, watching tv, working, on the phone, whatever. At no stage did I ever, and I mean ever, try to get her to go to sleep during the day. It didn’t even occur to me, we just went with the flow. Stress free.

The op is spending literally most of her day trying to get her baby to sleep, which is clearly the most frustrating thing ever. So she needs to today say ok, that’s it, we are both up for the day and just get on with her day, and if he falls asleep he falls asleep.

Op, you need to get used to him being awake through the day, and you doing things sith him awake.

Morning OP, I hope today goes better for you. You aren't a monster or a shit mum, you're fully aware of why what's going on is a problem and you're going to take steps to manage it so you can feel better and baby will be happier. You can do it, just take it a day at a time.

Bluntness You clearly had a baby that just fell asleep themselves when ‘left to it’ (mine NEVER did) and/or were none the worse if they didn’t (mine were screaming, clinging, desperate wrecks if they didn’t). I don’t think the OP has a baby that can just be ‘left to it’. I certainly didn’t. An underslept baby is not just a case of psychological mindset!

@bleachblondemom Morning ☺️ today is a new day & I hope you're feeling okay 💕

I agree with Elphaba.
Sleep is important and I can understand why OP has been stressed about trying to get her baby to sleep.
I can also understand why people are advising to just take the pressure off and stop trying. Perhaps it worked for them and perhaps it's what OP needs too, at least for now to give herself a break.
However, personally I wouldn't be giving up completely and would still want to get my baby napping (as per the advice I gave).

Please don’t shout at a 10 week old baby. And he’s far too young for sleep training. What’s the obsession with him napping? Some babies just don’t nap much. Neither of mine did really but they slept well at night.

Will he sleep in the car or maybe in one of those bouncy chairs that jiggles?

@ElphabaTheGreen

Bluntness You clearly had a baby that just fell asleep themselves when ‘left to it’ (mine NEVER did) and/or were none the worse if they didn’t (mine were screaming, clinging, desperate wrecks if they didn’t). I don’t think the OP has a baby that can just be ‘left to it’. I certainly didn’t. An underslept baby is not just a case of psychological mindset!

You’re missing the point. The point is I didn’t focus on it, and the op needs to stop as well, she needs to stop spending literally all day walking him and trying to get him to sleep, it’s doing them both in.

And of course you aren’t a monster or a shit mum and he doesn’t hate you, you are his world. But please try and stop shouting at him.

But op you said yourself you're shouting at him..and it makes him cry. Your words. That's why some people are concerned, just the way you talk about him and how angry you are (calling a ten week old baby a dickhead just because he wont sleep to your schedule is just a bit odd). I get you're knackered but you seem to be directing your anger at him.

You have ridiculously high expectations OP. You said that until this week he would nap for 4-5 hours and, despite the fact that he sleeps really well at night (which is amazing for a 10 week old by the way), you are angry at him because you are having to work at getting him to nap during the day. Yesterday he napped for 2 hours and you feel that wasn't enough.

4-5 hours napping is really unusual actually. I'm amazed that he didn't need feeding sooner than that. My children were bf and would want feeding every two hours at that age.

Babies are hard work (so are toddlers, older children and teenagers by the way). You need to find some way of controlling your anger and quickly. If you need time out, get it. Talk to your mum or your dh. But above all else, accept that what you are wanting from this tiny new person is way more than he is capable of. It's a very rare baby, in my experience, that can just be popped off to bed with a "sleep tight" and not be heard from for 4 hours. It's what parenting is all about. Frankly, if my children had slept well at night at that age, I'd have been jumping for joy!

@Bluntness100 is that you mum? that’s exactly what she says. And it’s quite frankly infuriating.

As a first point every child is different so if your baby could go to sleep in any condition that changes your experience from someone who’s baby is sensitive to light/sound/movement. That doesn’t make your experience less valid but recognising that not every baby will be ok with what you describe and make it sound easy/stress free just adds to the frustration of mothers thinking where are they going wrong when others have it so ‘easy’.

As a second point science moves on thankfully and what a previous generation called ‘bored’ or ‘tired’ we now know as overstimulated and overtired. I know that everyone a generation above me, in my family at least, just puts a louder and brighter toy in DCs face when he starts to cry. It’s a running joke between me and DP that they’re trying to get it to actually touch his retina. When actually what he needs is calm, dimly lit room or a nice pram walk in the forest.

When I did try and just go with it, which is what we did naturally at first because nobody around us told us about ‘naps’ life was hell. DC cried almost all the time and was very unhappy.

With the introduction of a good regular sleep pattern he’s absolutely thriving and so so happy.

So, yes, I am going to make sure I do everything in my power to allow him good sleep both in the day and night. Sleep is vital for cognitive development and I’m sure we all wish we had a baby you could plonk down and would sleep anywhere but that is simply not possible. secretly hoping our next DC is a less sensitive sleeper

@bleachblondemom

Please don’t go OP posters on this website have a frankly bizarre attitude to sleep, they act like babies and toddlers don’t really need it, and you’re a more committed mother if you get up 8474 times in the night without complaining

Anyway, for the rest of us that want properly rested babies/children and not to be dangerously exhausted ourselves, there are some good suggestions on this thread for you. I really would recommend the dark room - it was a game changer for me. Please don’t be disheartened, most new mums reach where you are at some stage

Have you tried a pram rocker? It gives them the sensation of being taken for a walk but means you can rest? Get a snooze shade as well.
I used a baby swing as well but didn’t find it as good as it wasn’t dark enough. My babies were both awful sleepers and I got PND with both of them. Shit times. They’re now 3 and 8 and totally insane and gorgeous.

Try and focus on the massive bonus that he sleeps at night and give yourself a pat on the back for that.

Oh I think the rage when they don’t sleep is common. My neighbour told me she often used to sob if her babies wouldn’t nap. We think it’s a reflection on our parenting but it’s not, the poor kid just can’t sleep. It’s not your fault and your doing a marvellous job. I would be honest with your health visitor and see what they say.

Some of you are really not understanding what I’m saying. I can’t just leave him all day and hope he just falls asleep. I have tried that. He needs to sleep, he gets tired and upset, I can’t just leave him because he needs me to help him get to sleep. And all the ways to do that are physically demanding. And it’s very frustrating to put so much effort in just for him to wake up if I dare to rest. Even though I can clearly tell he’s still tired. You’re all focusing so hard on him sleeping 4 hours. He did that SOMETIMES, and only after I walked him til I was exhausted. If I hadn’t hed have woken straight up. And the reason i wasn’t jumping for joy at him napping for 2 hours yesterday is because that was the ONLY nap he had. Two hours in one day is not enough for a baby his age. I worry about how it makes him feel. I want him to be happy and rested. But it’s making me unhappy and untested and I don’t know what to do to find any balance. It’s frustrating that it’s getting worse, I thought as he got a bit older he’d get more used to napping in the day but he just seems to hate it even more now.

Also calling your baby a few choice names when they aren’t old enough to even understand isn’t that unusual, some of you need to read more about other peoples experiences and realise not everyone is so bloody perfect.

You ARE deserving of kindness OP, this parenting lark is bloody hard!

I think people find it difficult to understand when they've had babies who are happy being awake all day, or if they have babies that just fall asleep when they are ready, in random places. If only they were all like that, oh to have a baby that just falls asleep on the playmat!

My MIL always commented on how much sleep my LO got and said we were lucky she slept so much. Err no, we worked our arses off to get her to sleep in the sling because otherwise she'd have an epic meltdown and we'd spend the eve trying to calm her down.

Does your DH take the baby for most of his naps at the weekend? That helped me immensely, knowing that I had two days away from the sling and pram once a week.

You got this and it won't always be this hard x

Hi again OP, what time does he go down at night and how long does he sleep?

Hi bleach! Our ds’s are exactly the same age and we both had emergency sections and I think that we have VERY similar babies!

Mine Will. Not. Sleep in the day! No, no, no! I have been lectured on here about it and told to do Gina Ford and baby whisperer which helpfully tell me WHEN he should be sleeping but not how! I was definitely on the verge of PND if not actually in the thick of it.

My only way of coping is getting out as much as possible. I’ve joined the national trust and every day ds and I have what I call a ‘mummy and baby adventure’ (yucky I know sorry.)

I can usually get ds to nap on me in the rocking chair with white noise on in the morning, so we go out between 12 and 1, I know I’m breaking lockdown rules but quite honestly I am putting no one in danger and I am seriously so bloody HAPPY now. He sleeps on the way to wherever we are going (usually) and then we have a long walk somewhere I haven’t been before- amazing what that does for mind, body and soul - then back.

Yes we still have a witching hour or three but I can’t explain how much better I feel and how much joy and love I have for my baby now (well not so much at 4 am actually, and I muttered oh ffs ds so it’s not just you!)

People saying see your GP go for it if you think it will help but personally I don’t think it would have helped me and honestly I was you a few weeks ago.

I will PM you my phone no, I think we might be local enough to meet at the end of March and walk the babies if you’d be up for that? I don’t think some posters realise how hard it us having a lockdown baby! You read what they should be doing and yours is way out and you panic! You don’t have a frame of reference so it is a worry. We love our babies dearly. But some kids are just better when out and about and mine is one of them. I have the same issue with the sling and moving. X