Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

We had a baby swing for my two.

It would rock and play white noise and my two loved to sleep on it

What about that for an option?

@addler good to hear from you again, hope you and DS are doing ok. Sounds like there are still some tricky days with him but good ones too... same over here really x

@Soubriquet I’ve been looking into those this morning, I might buy one

@FTEngineerM where did she say it was a one off?

I genuinely do understand sleep deprivation, I have a young child myself who did not sleep well at all and was often up for hours and hours and hour which felt like it would never end. OP has also stated her child sleeps through the night and has help from her other half.

If she were male and you read she had rage issues and shouted at her child? What would you say? Genuinely interested.

I know my post comes off as judgemental but if you'd had said you put your baby down and walked away I genuinely would be appaulding you, we ALL have those moments where it comes too much, I have had them and I have put my son down and walked away. My concern is that the OP hasn't done that and has shouted at her ten week old and if she has genuinely done that, whether she or others want to believe it or not, she needs help. I understand the solidarity of mothers in situations like this and I do genuinely have sympathy for the way she is feeling as it's likely hormonal, but that doesn't make her behaviour any less concerning and I still believe rather than the tips of how to get her child to nap that she needs professional help with (in her own words) uncontrollable rage and shouting at her 10 week old.

OP I am again sorry if I sound harsh and genuinely hope that you seek help, if you cannot control your anger, it's not going to go away if your baby starts to nap in the day as, by what you have wrote, it sounds like you're getting enough sleep at night? Correct me if I'm wrong.

this is the one we used and can reccomend

@bleachblondemom your original post, to me, sounds a lot worse than your subsequent posts. If you're putting him down to go and scream then genuinely I think we have all been there. Babies can be assholes and they don't do what you want them to do no matter how hard we try.

If you're not shouting at the baby then you sound like any normal mum and need to give yourself a break. He will eventually nap even if it doesn't seem that way, there is a lot of pressure for mums to think that their babies should be or behave a certain way and a lot of people get sucked into that way of thinking.

From your subsequent posts I apologise if I got the wrong end of the stick, I genuinely thought you were shouting at your 10 week old which is why I was so distressed.

You're not a bad mother and you should not feel ashamed. You are normal. Trust me.

OP @bleachblondemom I can't tell you how much I needed to read this thread and your posts. I thought there was something wrong with me. Reading what you wrote was like having all my feelings said out loud by someone else.

My baby is just shy of 4 months and he is a terrible napper and honestly doesn't sleep that great at night either and I keep having these crazy crying breakdowns at 3/4am or 4/5 pm. He just won't fucking sleep. I've been known to say "please fucking sleep" over and over again until DH could step in. And my baby crying his head off, DH steps in and he is asleep in 10 mins. I keep feeling like my baby hates me and how do you love someone who hates you?

I'm having therapy but will be going ok ADs soon as I'm falling apart. I just wanted to say thank you for posting. I was reading this all last night while playing crib tag (ie feeding and putting down, then baby waking up 5/10/15 mins later just as I put my head on my pillow)

@LordOfTheOnionRings yes I’m getting sleep at night. It’s not necessarily great sleep, just because DS is sleeping well doesnt mean I am. I’m still tired. But once again this is not just about me. He needs to sleep in the day. Just because he sleeps well at night doesn’t mean he can just stay awake all day, it’s not good for him. I don’t try to get him to nap so I can nap as well. In fact I never do. It’s not about me. I try to get him to sleep for HIS benefit.

@willowsandroses I’m glad you’re doing much better, I saw on another thread how much you were struggling before and have thought about you while I’ve not seen your posts

Seriously fuck off all of you who say about the swing (we have one- he likes it but it does fuck all for his sleep) , baby carrier (he hates it and just screams), walks in the pram (he does nap after screaming for an hour)

Everyone's nerves are frayed. I can't leave him awake too long or he screams continuously until he falls sleep. To @Bluntness100 I'm sorry but if I did what you described, my baby would literally scream not cry but scream all day. He needs sleep and I have to help him every 2 hours. It's maddening.

@bleachblondemom okay, you've probably has this recommendation but we used a vibrating bouncer but I used to put a hot water bottle down before settling him, that way he used to think he was still on me because of the warmth. Not sure if you've tried that or not!

@LordOfTheOnionRings yes I have shouted at him. But in everyone else’s head that means I’ve shouted and screamed in his face, that’s the conclusion everyone has jumped to. What I have done a few times this week is put him down, stepped back and vented my frustration. Yes in the same room as him, and yes facing towards him. I’m not proud of it, i hate myself for it.

OP - he’s 10 weeks old, he has no idea what you’re saying and probably couldn’t hear you over his own screaming.

Despite your best intentions, you will shout a lot more at him in years to come, at times when he will definitely understand both your words and your tone and it will still be absolutely fine. You’re human and he will still love you.

@bleachblondemom I have also put my son down and screamed into a pillow, I genuinely thought you were shouting at your child in an aggressive way from your original post and I hope you can understand why then I came to the conclusion that you need progressional help.

From what you're writing, you're doing the best thing, putting him down taking a step away and then venting your frustrations. Having a baby is very hard especially if they're crying and you don't know why so please don't hate yourself or feel down about how you have acted - I have got the wrong end of the stick and based my reply based on something that is not happening.

Does your baby have reflux at all?

@LordOfTheOnionRings it’s ok, I just didn’t really want to elaborate on the details which I guess has made some people assume the worst. Not that what I’m doing is ok, I still shouldn’t be getting angry with him.
No we’ve never had problems with reflux or anything. He feeds really well, sometimes he brings it back up a short while later but it doesn’t upset him. There’s been a few nights in the past where he’s cried excessively but we’ve spent time winding him and once he was winded he settled. And that hasn’t happened for ages now. That’s why I’m so frustrated, he’s comfortable and fed and dry but just won’t stay asleep, I can’t fathom a reason as to why he’s waking up so soon when there’s nothing stopping him having a good nap.
I agree that I should feel very grateful that he Is sleeping well at night, and honestly I do. But in the back of my mind I’m thinking, this can’t last forever. And when he starts having bad nights again, and I am up several times a night with him and not sleeping well, how the hell am I gonna get through the next day if I know there’s gonna be no break from him? I can’t nap when he naps cos he’s relying on me to nap!

Thanks sls

To be honest I fell into a bit of a trap of buying things thinking it would be the magic solution to get ds to sleep. He has a basket, next to me crib, rocker, move with me chair, bouncy chair, bean bag, Dockatot and cot.

He won’t sleep in any of them 😂 just the crib and then only at night! Actually OH has got him to sleep in the basket a few times - no idea how!

They do have their uses, though. The bouncy chair and the swinging chair are handy for when I need to put him down and he’s been fed (ds is a bit refluxy) he likes the rocker as it plays annoying music, he will lie in the dockatot if I’m next to him, and he’ll lie on the beanbag too. But to be honest I could have saved a lot of money with just the rocker and dockatot.

I think on MN and on Internet forums generally there can be a tendency to make knee jerk responses about mental health, which isn’t meant critically - it’s sometimes hard to know how to take a post which describes a single moment but sounds like someone’s default setting. I shouted at ds a few weeks ago. To say I’m not proud of it is an understatement. He’d been crying and crying through exhaustion but wouldn’t sleep, it was an extremely cold snap and I couldn’t face putting him in the sling again and going outside (won’t sleep in the sling indoors!) and I shouted GO TO SLEEP. He cried and then so did I. We were both sat in the bed with me crying on his head whispering I’m sorry, I’m sorry over and over.

It would be easy to take that moment and deduce I was in need of MH support but honestly I don’t think I was. The thing with ADs is while they can be very effective and helpful they can also make you feel very foggy and disconnected. And that’s what would be offered in covid times. Therapy is an option but again it can encourage a level of inward looking and analysis which isn’t always helpful.

My ds was born by emergency c section, and I had desperately wanted to breastfeed him. It didn’t happen - still not entirely sure why. He lost a lot of weight after birth and we were out on a feeding plan by the hospital. I think that was the start of a lot of my weird behaviour and feelings. I was told to feed him every three hours so I’d be waking him to feed him and other times he’d be wanting a feed just an hour and a half after one and I’d be panicking as I was expressing milk for him and every bottle of formula felt like a failure and a rejection of me (I told you I was a bit mad, stay with me!)

I am still sad about breastfeeding, I can’t deny that. But it is a passing sadness, not the absolute grief it felt at one point. I just needed some time to find myself and my common sense! Reading ‘get help’ isn’t really very practical at the best of times. Even if we were talking about severe PND it isn’t like it’s athletes foot or a headache where you can pop to the pharmacy: a lot or the time it’s tied into and linked into other things and that’s immensely difficult and hard to unravel.

I’m so laid back now I’ll probably find ds has lost more weight (he hasn’t, don’t worry!) but we are both so much happier. And when ds isn’t happy it isn’t my fault. I love him and I hold him, soothe him, feed him and rock him but sometimes these babies just whinge and cry and we will never know why!

This thread is so cathartic for me. @willowsandroses what you said about formula was what I felt too. My baby is 100% on formula as I had no output through pumping. Nothing about early babyhood or motherhood has been what I expected.

@willowsandroses that’s exactly what happened to me, I shouted at him like that and the noise made him cry so I cuddled him and cried whilst saying sorry. But it’s happened more than once this week which is what has made me so worried about myself and write this post.

I really empathise as I remember how hard it was when my son didn't nap in the day. I remember one day walking for two hours as it took an hour for him to fall asleep and then I walked till he woke up.

I remember I would feel so frustrated. What helped was changing my thinking to rather it being nap time and then stressing if he didn't sleep I would just focus on offering him a nap opportunity every couple of hours and if he didn't sleep then saying to myself it wasn't the end of the world we would try again later. It took time to reframe my thinking on this.

Game changer when the cot nap days come and they will

I think as a pp has said there will be times our children frustrate us, make us shout and the cry, obviously ideally it won’t happen a lot but it probably will happen. I also threw ds’s dummy at the wall once

It’s horrible dealing with an exhausted crying baby. I had this with ds, where he’d be so tired and screaming with frustration and tiredness and it made me cry too, I remember weeping on oh once saying I’d done it to him as I couldn’t get him to sleep and I hadn’t, I’d tried so hard!

I think you’ll be fine bleach honestly. My ds is going through a growth spurt now and so I think yours will be too which might account for the bad week.

@LordOfTheOnionRings my DP has sort of shouted at our DC. Well, it wasn’t loud and shouty but he picked him up at eye level and growled ‘why won’t you just sleep’ cue tears from DC, DP and me.. he’d obviously completely lost control but recognised that. So we went through what we could do as a team to avoid that situation/frustration again. I don’t think I should LTB or for him to get anger management, it really was out of character and a particularly stressful week.

If someone’s losing control is shouting at a pillow or growling quietly then it’s quite obvious they’re a mellow/timid person on the whole I think.

I can’t say I’ve just put the baby down and left him because I find being away more stressful. I have gone to the landing to scream my lungs out.. DC started crying. It didn’t achieve anything but it was a vent.

Sorry you had a rough few months too, I see that’s why you’ve got lots of good advice re getting a baby to transfer to cot/bouncer and so on. I shouldn’t have come across like I assumed everyone hadn’t experienced it because I know it’s far far far more common than I even knew before having our DC. I didn’t mean the OP when I said once I meant me, this thread has struck a chord with me I’m admittedly getting too involved and the replies have been surprising.

I do think women need to know that it is normal to find it excruciatingly hard to experience these things, and not just ‘you must have PND because mothers are meant to unconditionally love their children in any circumstances and show nothing but utter patience’ (not saying that’s what your particular posts have said, just the general theme of some replies indicates it’s unusual to struggle as much as the OP/others) and that is not true.

@SunHoldsTime nor me, my expectations were admittedly limited but I did not think it would be this totally sacrificial. Well done for getting through so far.

"The thing with ADs is while they can be very effective and helpful they can also make you feel very foggy and disconnected. And that’s what would be offered in covid times. Therapy is an option but again it can encourage a level of inward looking and analysis which isn’t always helpful."

Not necessarily; CBT is very practical and solution-focused. In many areas you can self-refer for CBT, and women who are pregnant or have a young baby get fast-tracked (in recognition of the fact that it can be a particularly challenging and vulnerable time). There are also other mental health support services available, my local Mind has been doing group zoom sessions and some one-to-one phone/Zoom support for mothers with PND/PNA.

I have accessed all this in the last 6 months. I've also started ADs, too, and they haven't made me feel foggy or disconnected at all. But they're certainly not the only option, far from it.

My second child is 3 months old. He doesn’t nap in the day pretty much at all. Initially I was a bit concerned- babies are meant to sleep loads aren’t they?! He won’t develop properly blah blah.

I quickly learnt though it’s just the way he is. Not all babies do what they are supposed to and just like adults they are all different.

Don’t get frustrated, step back for a few minutes and calm down. You’re breaking your back to get him to do something he doesn’t really want to. Instead, just follow his lead and enjoy him.

No not necessarily but it’s also not necessarily true that ADs and/or therapy will be helpful. This is just a personal response and not intended to steer people either way but personally I find exercise, fresh air, talking to my friends, so much more helpful. If others don’t that’s fine too!

My OH once left ds on his changing mat in desperation 😂 (ds loves the changing mat so it wasn’t as if he was lying there wailing!)

@willowsandroses

No not necessarily but it’s also not necessarily true that ADs and/or therapy will be helpful. This is just a personal response and not intended to steer people either way but personally I find exercise, fresh air, talking to my friends, so much more helpful. If others don’t that’s fine too!

My OH once left ds on his changing mat in desperation 😂 (ds loves the changing mat so it wasn’t as if he was lying there wailing!)

Yes going for a walk in the fresh air is definitely helpful for mental health. Of course if you're in the depths of depression, it's not really going to cut it (because on bad days, depressed people can't motivate themselves to go out for a walk).

Also, in the last two months we've had some shocking weather, days of relentless rain, which doesn't make it tempting or cheering to go out for a walk.

And in lockdown, it's not possible to do all the things that might help our mental health (in my case, yoga classes - I could do yoga at home but don't - and swimming, to give just two examples).

I don't see the point in being so negative about two things (CBT and antidepressants) than can be and have been very helpful indeed for many people with mental health issues. They might not work for everyone but they help a lot of people.

Part of my problem was taking the steps to engage with CBT and take antidepressants as I couldn't see the point; actually trying them is a positive step for your mental health, if you're at the point when a GP or other HCP recommends it.