Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

Just thought I’d revisit this thread and it’s so good to see that you have had some really useful, helpful comments here OP. Ignore the judgemental ones. You’re doing a great job at a ridiculously hard time.
You’ve got this ❤️

Some babies do cry and fight sleep. It's hard work especially when you know what they should be doing (according to the advice you read) but just don't seem to be able to achieve it. I've been there! But it is worth persevering, it can and does click into place, or it has for me, anyway. (It's not perfect for us but much better than it was.)

So here's my advice:

• follow recommended awake windows as much as you can, the Huckleberry app helps with this, as it works it out for you and tells you when the next nap is due. Apparently a 3 month old should have 4 naps a day with these awake windows in between: 1h, 1h15, 1h15, 1h30, 1h30. You might not be able to achieve this much (or at all) to begin with but keep trying and you'll get there.

• for a few days, do all (or most naps) in the same place eg baby's bedroom. Make sure you have blackout blinds and/or curtains and a comfy chair. About 15 minutes before baby is supposed to be asked, go into the room, and every time, do the same thing in the same order (eg close blinds/curtains, sing lullabies, put on white/pink noise etc). It's up to you whether you want to feed or rock to sleep, whichever works and whatever you're willing to continue doing - but I would suggest rocking rather than feeding if you can manage it. Also some babies might actually prefer being put down in the cot (for me, DC2 started struggling in our arms at one point, and seemed to find it easier to get comfy when we put her down). It might take FOREVER for baby to fall asleep this way to begin with, but if you stay consistent, he will eventually associate the room and the mini nap routine with falling asleep, and he will start to fall asleep more quickly.

Anyway, don't know how helpful you'll find that but it's my advice based on my experience (with DC2 who is 6 months old now).

Good luck.

My baby is a bit older (5 months) but I've also been stressing over naps lately. I find it interesting that so many people recommend the Huckleberry app as it didn't work for me. I drove myself crazy trying to make my baby nap at the suggested sweet spot times and worried so much when she was tired "early" or wouldn't nap until much later. I was going to ever greater lengths to force the nap and making myself miserable. I've now stopped tracking her sleep, stopped watching the wake windows. Instead I watch her and if she looks tired I offer a nap (for her this means reading a story and offering a feed, rocking in the sling or in my arms, or going for a walk in the pram). If she doesn't go to sleep, that's ok, we do something else for a bit and we try again later. I'm not sure she's napping better but it's not noticeably worse and I definitely feel a lot better about it. She sometimes stays awake for a lot longer than she "should" according to all the baby sites. I just try to hold my nerve and trust that as long as I give her a conducive sleep environment, she will sleep when she is tired.

Like a previous poster said, it helps if I remember my baby is a person to be cared for, rather than a problem to be fixed or a task to be completed. Sometimes I get too caught up in trying to be the perfect mum and I lose sight of that.

Your baby is 10 weeks old! I think you need to lower your expectations

This. Jesus Christ. This 100%.

Mine were non-sleepers at night as well, but a good friend’s baby slept solidly at night and NEVER napped, but was clearly none the worse for it as she didn’t get into overtired rages during the day mine mine did and it sounds like the OP’s does.

OP - as Lockedowntherabbithole says it’s time awake that might be worth monitoring rather than time asleep. I partly disagree with PPs that say 10 week olds don’t have a sleep schedule. You do need to keep an eye on how long they’re awake for and catch the ‘sleep window’, other wise they will hit the overtired zone and, bizarrely, be even less likely to sleep.

At 10 weeks - he should be awake for no more than 1hr 15mins-30mins. Start watching after he’s been awake for an hour for sleepy signs (eye rubbing, yawning, irritability) and start doing whatever he needs to get to sleep - feeding, walking, rocking, whatever. So, yes, if he wakes for the day at 7, first nap would be around 8:15/8:30. Do whatever it takes to keep him asleep (staying put, walking) and just accept if the nap is only 20 minutes and start your one hour countdown again from the time he wakes up. Repeat. At his age, you should get in three, possibly four naps a day, depending on how long each nap is. But care more about keeping the awake time to 1.5 hours, rather than hoping for more sleep time. I’d actually say a four hour nap is danger territory and might tip him into day/night reverse cycling. I’d get nervous with a nap much longer than 2.5 hours at that age.

Soupthatistoohot
I think you make some very good points. Huckleberry isn't the be all and end all, and you do have to follow your baby's sleepy cues. I've found that for the most part the app has been very accurate but I have also had to put baby down a bit earlier or later than the app says.
Also the point about baby being a person and not a problem to be fixed resonates with me a lot.

@ElphabaTheGreen

I’m sure your post was meant to be helpful but it stressed me out just reading it...!l

My baby was the same- would never sleep and I think unless you have experienced it you cant understand how all consuming it becomes. I even bought an automatic rocker to keep the pram moving so I could put her on it & leave her while I tidied (it didn't work) will your baby sleep on you? If so sit on the couch & chill! If not have you tried white noise? It was a game changer for me, she also needed a fluffy blanket over her eyes to fall asleep (I kept her beside me obviously) there is something that will work you just need to figure it out that's all. Its soul destroying and you feel like you cant enjoy your baby as you are constantly exhausted and stressed trying to get them to sleep. I know it's normal but it's bloody hard. Basically do whatever u can to survive! It does pass. Honestly it does.

OverTheRainbow I had back-to-back terrible non-sleepers/non-nappers. It was slightly less of a car crash with DS2 because that was what I did! His day sleep was much easier for me to predict and therefore give myself something of a life once I became aware of sleep windows and found they did actually apply to him. Also, doing something made me go, ‘Right, I’m doing everything I possibly can and he’s still a crotchety little fucker...it can’t be my fault!’ and poof! The guilt was —almost— gone —lies—

Could it be a feeding issue that's leaving him unsettled like cmpa or silent reflux?

Hi OP

I’m sorry you’re struggling so much, it’s really hard having a small baby in lockdown.

I found “Let’s Talk About Your New Family’s Sleep” by Lindsey Hookway really helpful.

My main takeaway was that you can’t force someone else to sleep. You can offer opportunities to sleep but it’s not a battle you have to win and how well your baby sleeps is not a measure of how good a mother you are.

Imagine if your husband was in charge of telling you when to go to sleep based on when he thought you were tired and then got frustrated if you didn’t do it... would that make it easier or harder for you to fall asleep?

My now 7.5 month old will only nap for 30 mins and has been the same since she was tiny. All her naps are on me fed to sleep at home or out in the pram/carrier/car. There was a period where I got really stressed about it but all that did was make it worse. As soon as I accepted that’s what she was going to do and started to work around it I felt so, so much happier.

I do think you need to have a long chat with your husband and make it clear how much you are struggling. I know it’s difficult for people to understand how hard it is being alone with the baby ALL DAY if they don’t have to do it so try to explain it to him as well as you can.

You’ve had lots of other good advice re the anger so I won’t add to that but I hope things get easier for you.

Have you tried a swing chair ? The kind that swing on their own with batteries. Mine was a godsend during the day for napping He is sleeping well at night so that's the main thing lots of babies don't sleep day or night so try and be encouraged by that. Some babies just don't need very long naps. Try and take the pressure off yourself and don't expect a long nap time then anything longer will be a bonus Don't be hard on yourself having a new baby is the hardest thing ever as soon as you've sorted one challenge another one arises but nothing lasts forever they are usually just little phases that pass. Talk to your mum about how you are feeling she may be able to come over a bit more to support you through this. Good luck

Hey OP, it gets better I promise!

There is no judgement here I promise I know how frustrating sleep can be but you sound to me like you might be experiencing PND. I had this horribly myself. There is absolutely no shame in that and I would really recommend seeing a doctor.

You will be okay - it does get better x

@bleachblondemom you are not alone... its dependant on your nature how you react it is hard so hard... I've done it by myself for over 6 months while homeschooling my elder... my husband is nightshift so non existent day and night... take your rest any night if you can and there is no shame in crying... when u feel a hot head moment put baby safe take a step away and breathe... I really struggled with my DS naps... i downloaded the Huckleberry app a month ago when he went through another sleep regression and my god it's an eye opener it really really helps... give it a go! And hugs!!! U got this!!

Hey OP, firstly I do agree you need to speak with your GP if you are feeling overwhelmed to the point of shouting. You sound so stressed about this. It's nothing to feel ashamed of to ask for that help.

You've mentioned you sometimes use a sling - which one do you use? I ask because my baby only sleeps in the sling so I made sure I have the most comfortable one I could afford. Mine is 10 months old now and down to 2 naps roughly - as soon as he sees me put it on he knows it's nap time! Yeah I guess this isn't 'ideal', because ideally you'd put them down in their cot and walk off and they'd gently go off to sleep on their own. Ha! I have 2 children and neither have ever done this. I've found that children need a sleep cue and this is what has worked for me. Yes, my shoulders do start to ache a bit now as he's a 10 month old lump, but because he's used to it I can get him to drop off quite quickly and then sit down with him still strapped to me. I don't use his nap times to get any housework done, I sit and watch TV or read MN! If he wakes up too early sometimes I can get him to drop back off by walking about a bit, but if not then we try again later or don't worry about it. Once he's bigger then I will ditch the sling and try a different strategy (his older sister used to watch The Gruffalo after lunch to get to sleep!)

With my first I was really stressed about sleep. Once I realised that she just wanted to be close to me, I let her sleep on me during the day and she did sleep better. I didn't get much done during those naps but I also relaxed a lot more.

What I would recommend is picking a sleep cue and sticking to it. Some people pick the pushchair, some a bouncer/rocker. Some people feed or rock to sleep. Consistency and a gentle routine can help your baby learn what to expect. Try not to fall into the trap of a rigid schedule and just try to relax. Your baby is too young to know that they need to sleep, or how to do it. They will learn eventually with patience and this stage will not last forever!

Once things start to become more normal after lockdown, look into finding some parent/baby groups so you can have some socialising during the day. It can be very isolating being at home on your own with a baby all day and that does no favours for anybodys mental health. Can you ask if your partner can take a day or even half a day off work here and there, just so you can have something to look forward to? Not saying that spending time with your partner is the best treat ever but at least then you have someone to share the load with sometimes.

@Bluntness100

Op stop trying to get him to nap. Just stop. You don’t need to do it. Just put him in a little bouncy chair, but the telly on, give him a rattle, a stuffed toy something to play with, and stroke his feet.

Take the pressure out of this, you’ve become so focused on naps, you’ve lost sight of everything else. To the point you’re shouting, screaming, crying, make a pact with yourself you will not do it tomorrow. You’ll just chill, and if he naps he naps, if he doesn’t he doesn’t. It’s all good.

And give your gp a call. Explain where you’re at mentally and that you likely need some help, it sounds like you may have pnd.

Excellent advice. Take all the pressure off yourself. Don't expect any naps atall tmrw and just see what happens. If he naps ten minutes then that's great maybe he will go longer next time I remember battling with my toddler to sleep in her cot. She wanted to be in my bed. I got so badly stressed out with it after weeks I gave up and just put her to bed in my bed. She's stayed in with me for about a year but we were both so much happier once the stress of bedtime was gone !!! Nothing lasts long she went in her own bed eventually and all was well

Have you tried driving around? This was the only way I ever got my son to nap - he fell asleep quickly in the car and then I pulled over and read my book for an hour. If your baby sleeps at night at 10 weeks then you are v lucky!

He sleeps well at night?

that's fantastic OP

YOU HAVE A BABY WHO SLEEPS WELL AT NIGHT!

You are doing so well

Who cares if he naps? Just enjoy being with him, take your rest on sofa feet up and cuddle your baby.

{NONE of my kids slept at night or during day}

I could’ve written your post about my child when they were a baby. Nothing worked, and I mean nothing!!

Someone told me that baby’s need to go into a dark room a few times a day to kind of reset their brain and calm it down from all the visual stimulation around them. So a few times a day I started to take them into the bedroom, close the blackout curtains, and just lie on the bed gently rocking and singing to them. Honestly within a few days they fell asleep within 5 minutes of going into the room!! It was incredible. Don’t be afraid of the initial crying - put headphones in if it’s easier. Baby’s NEED sleep as much as they need food and changing, so if you feel guilty remind yourself of that.

Good luck!

OP I'm committing the first sin of Mumsnet here in that I haven't read the full thread. Here's my ideas:

Swing seat. Get to sleep in sling, transfer to swing seat. Obviously not ideal, not a firm flat surface but worked for me and I stayed in the room.

Ok, stop trying to get the nap. You will just frustrate yourself. You are trying to control something that's uncontrollable at his current age. Do what you want and if he naps he naps.

Postnatal rage IS A REAL THING. You aren't bad or evil but it is a thing that is a legitimate struggle after birth. Talk to your GP, my anger was towards other things but it was explosive.

Silly question have you tried swaddling? It works for many babies. I used to shower with my baby I'll seat him in his little chair in his towel and I'll shower first then shower him and then we'll be tired and nap together.
As soon as it's possible try to go to play groups and get to know other Mums. We save each other from going mad.
It's lovely to have a baby but it's so tiring.

Hi Op. I can relate to the anger. I sometimes feel a complete ball of rage trying to get my DS to sleep. Sometimes I have to put him in his cot and walk away for 10 mins, I get so angry I can't speak! But I'm actually a very calm collected person, it's a very strange feeling.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned it but you can buy something called 'rockit' that attaches to the pram and it keeps jiggling it so baby thinks your still moving. (And they keep sleeping)

I can’t really offer any sound advice but I did want to say you’re doing an amazing job and please be kind to yourself, this won’t last forever and you will get through it

@bleachblondemom I used to sit in the dark crying at this age because the babies wouldn't sleep because they didn't like me and they were doing it on purpose. I mean I know that's crazy and they're 14 months now and I can't even remember how I felt but my GOD it was a dark hole.

Firstly you're doing the right thing to put baby down and go and let it out then come back to him. That's good parenting.

Secondly, you're doing the right thing to tell people how you're feeling and ask for help. That's also good parenting. Please speak to someone in RL too. I know it's hard ATM with lockdown etc but speak to your GP, speak to your sis or your Mom, and make sure your DH knows exactly how upset you are, even if he feels like he can't fix it, getting it out will help.

Are there any signs for reflux? Silent reflux won't make him sicky, but it will make him miserable. I'd ask for the GP to see him, and see if that's a possibility.

In the day, if he's happy being awake, I wouldn't try and make him sleep because it's currently making you both miserable. Will he go in a bouncer with some baby Einstein (or frankly just CBEEBIES) on the telly whilst you make a drink and get some food? Or lie on his play mat by himself?

I understand the need to get him to do the things he's meant to do, but right now you need to ease the pressure off you both

I am also committing a cardinal sin by not having read the full thread - but I have read all your posts so I hope that’s ok. I have had two difficult sleepers myself and I identify with a lot of your feelings, especially the ones around feeling like it was a battle I needed to win (although in my case this was around 3-4 months when they’d learned to fight sleep).

I would have a think about what you and he need from his nap times. Is it that you want him to nap independently in a crib or Moses basket (or pushchair) so you can get on with jobs? Is it so you can sleep or have some time to yourself? Is it because he gets cranky if he doesn’t nap but fights sleep and needs more help? All of these applied to my two depending on the day.

When I needed to be hands-free, I would go with whatever worked - someone taking them out in the buggy would have been ideal but a walk and then parking up in the hall sometimes worked. If I wanted to nap, I had to expect I’d be co-sleeping at that age. If I wanted the baby to rest, I’d feed to sleep in front of the tv once I’d got myself set up with snacks, etc.

What I definitely avoided second time round, because personally it was really damaging for me first time round, was worrying about what I should be doing. First time round, I was obsessed with my baby’s sleep and convinced that I was doing everything wrong and that the wrong move would make his sleep worse forever. (He used to wake every 45 minutes on a bad night between 3 and 7 months.) I can honestly say that I tried everything bar controlled crying and I don’t think anything influenced his ability to sleep independently during the day or night. It just happened when he was ready.

So don’t beat yourself up. You’re not doing anything wrong. If you think he’s ready for a nap, give him a hand getting to sleep. If he sleeps well at night already, he might need fewer naps than you expect. Have a look at how many hours in a 24 hour period he “should” be sleeping for. But overall, if he’s happy, try to relax - presumably he’s getting enough.