Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

@NameChange30 good suggestion on the ear plugs actually. Honestly sometimes I open my eyes and expect there to be 3 other babies in there having a fight with him.
I’ve always took ages to fall asleep, it’s not since I’ve had DS.

Unfortunately I have no advice as I have a 30 minute napped too - well 34 minutes to be precise, every single time! Every baby I read about or know that is similar age is the same. What does he do in between that makes you think he’s tired?

@willowsandroses I don’t know :/ haven’t decided whether to go to the docs or not

@Sls668 yawning, rubbing his eyes, getting grizzly

What does DH think? It’s really hard. My ds is very overtired tonight, he’s been difficult all evening despite having a nap.

I work with babies and most babies that age don’t regularly take naps longer than one sleep cycle. That generally happens closer to six months. My youngest was having 5 short naps at that age. I would just put her down 45-60 minutes after she last woke up. My best friends baby was having a couple of 20 minute naps all day but slept much better at night.
Maybe baby is picking up on your anxiety.

@willowsandroses weeks ago when I was struggling with DS, DH did say to maybe go to the doctors if I thought I needed some help. But then it got better so I never mentioned it again. And now it all seems to be going downhill again. DS is having his bottle now which usually sends him to sleep, I can still see his eyes open at the moment though. God I hope he just goes to sleep.

FWIW I found the soft silicone ear plugs are the best ones.

@bleachblondemom completely relate to this point you're in I really do! I found I took so long to get to sleep too, it's like when they do the tossing and turning so to speak it kinda puts you on edge thinking they might wake any second and that you'll never get to sleep. A little tip I used from my CBT when I struggled with sleep was to try and picture myself in a happy memory, a lot of the time I'll think about a holiday or even the time I found out I was pregnant (we went through years of infertility and ivf and a lot of my PNA and PND is linked to that but regaining a positive outlook on things which make me anxious is like watching back an old video and when you're imagining, you can make those thoughts into anything you wish 💕)
Same over here! Touch wood we have a great night sleeper but the day time with the walking, the rocking, the driving it all feels like you can't catch a break just to sit down and if I'm thinking right of how you're maybe feeling it's like yes, they're a great night sleeper...but we don't really have time for ourselves at night because we're sleeping too and a mere hour or so on an evening isn't quite enough to chill out or have time to ourselves. It's very hard to keep powering through when every day feels like Groundhog Day. I remember the early days so well and they consisted of naps on me in the end and I craved some time to myself but I do look back on it now and miss those snuggles because before I knew it he didn't need me like that anymore during the day and I feel so guilty for not putting my feet up with him on me and just enjoying the moment of being able to sit and watch the tv 🙈 if there's one thing I can reassure you on is it does get better. At this stage sleep is all over the place in the day but then it clicks and becomes less of a battle, then they switch it up and things change again. I thought of you over the weekend and I think that's why I feel so connected to this post, I tried with all my might to get my boy to sleep for his morning nap in his cot and it was hard! But the reason I did it is because I feel my life has been consumed by naps and food and I just wanted a taste of what it was like to do something "normal" so we did that and then when he was awake we went down the lane to let the dog run around for a bit, came home, had lunch and went shopping (never taken my boy shopping for food before I've been too nervous) and on the way home I knew nap time was pending and just like that he bobbed off, a mere 30 minutes lol but I thought you little bugger! All these times I've walked for hours or drove for hours, all we needed to do was go walk round a few aisles looking at bread 😂 It just gave me that insight that when things are back to normal (not sure if you're based in the uk) but when we're on the go a bit more we can hopefully be mindful of nap times but by being able to do things or even someone to take our babies off our hands for a break we will feel a bit better 🤞🏼 x

My DD1 never slept longer than 40 minutes until she was 7 months old...day or night!

Do you have a birth ball? Sit and bounce while watching the TV. Good for the core too.

Ride the bus. I figured which route took an hour and just sat on the bus with her in the pram. (Actually, I took a pillow and slept!) I had to stop driving as I was too tired to be safe.

Find your local toddler group. Mine was full of elderly woman from the village who were delighted to hold a baby for an hour...even if crying the whole time.

A decent sling or woven wrap or carrier that fits you. DH and I needed very different ones.

Have a bath with your DC in the evening. DH takes the baby out, gets dried and goes for a walk (at least an hour) while you top up the hot water!

Grandparents. FIL once walked for 2 hours in the middle of the night with the pram.

You can't do this alone. Humans didn't evolve to take care a baby as a one lone person in a house. Find all the local groups and even some further away!

I found things much easier with DD2 as I understood I needed help and took from anyone willing to offer!

@HopingforbabyD I do try to think of nice things at night instead of worrying (it’s something my mom used to say to me as a kid when I couldn’t sleep, she’d say can you think of something nice to dream about. It’s a running joke between me and DH now because one night my answer was ‘porridge’ and the story made him laugh, so now we each tell the other one to dream about porridge when one of us can’t sleep😂). But I find it so hard to switch my brain off sometimes. There’s always something to think about. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the morning and be like wow I fell asleep fast last night. But most of the time it takes at least an hour, sometimes two.
Yes i am in the uk, I feel like if things were ‘normal’ I’d be out and about during the day, or having people round, so I’d have less time to worry about his naps and they would just have to happen. But I’ve got all this time on my hands and nothing to focus on except him.
Thank you for being so kind and understanding and for taking the time to write to me x

stargirl I don’t mean to sound snarky here but you do know we are in lockdown?

@willowsandroses

stargirl I don’t mean to sound snarky here but you do know we are in lockdown?

🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

@stargirl1701 I do keep meaning to get my birth ball out, think it’s in the loft. I have a sling, that’s one of the issues I have- DS will sleep in the sling but only if I’m moving around. I can sit for about ten mins before he starts to stir and complain. But the birth ball would be good for that as I can sit and move at the same time.

You’re right, it is not normal for one person to look after a baby, I’ve always said the same.

@NameChange30

No, I'm an idiot! 🤪 I'm a teacher and I've been working in a hub throughout so I forget all the stuff that isn't on!

💐 GP first port of call.

@bleachblondemom 😂 that tickled me! Giving my boy porridge in the morning so I'll think of you and hope it makes him want to sleep 🤣 we haven't got long to go now lovely, it's been a bloody rough ride and like I say it's not a normal situation for any new mum or parent to be in at the moment. We're alone. Raising our tiny people and just winging it. Everything becomes so intensely focused on, it's not a bad thing because it's all we have to do in our day to day at the moment, it's all we know right now. But so very soon we will be able to let go a bit and be able to enjoy the days that little bit more. Yes the crying and the fights of napping may still be there but it won't feel as intense as it does now. Another thing I've learnt is every baby really isn't the same. A lady I met during my pregnancy has become a great friend and we even had our babies on exactly the same day! But!...they are SO different. My baby is crawling (fast!) and is almost walking now, her baby hasn't crawled yet, my baby is a bloody shit napper, her baby naps for 2 hours in the day...they really are all different but for something we crave in our own baby, another mum may crave something our babies do and theirs don't. I hope that makes sense ☺️ I know you know this already but no one else knows your baby better than you, don't let anyone tell you you're doing things wrong because you really aren't, you're learning just like all new mums have had to do themselves 💕 Sometimes people forget the hard times and can't relate so easy when it's happening to someone else. They're funny little things at this stage, leaps, teething, regressions it's all fun and games. I hope you have a restful night & don't have to think of porridge too much 😄 - remember, you truly have got this mama! Sending lots of hugs from one mama to another & so much solidarity x

You can get an attachment to make your pram still move when you get home so your baby still thinks its being walked

I really feel for you OP! I honestly 100 % do not believe that you are a shit Mum! If you were, you wouldn't care about how much your baby naps / eats etc. I promise you, it's a mixture of exhaustion, postpartum hormones and this bloody lockdown...! It's clear that you are trying hard but we are only human!! My DS is now 1, but I've been where you are! I must have easily spent £500+ on sleep aids last year, swings, slings, pods, cribs and the lot! He'd nap for hours during the day but expected me to hold him NON BLOODY STOP! Day AND also night! And there was no one else around (hello international pandemic!!!) to give me a hand or take him off me. I swear my back is now permanently f**ked...but we got through it. We found a way that works, although it's a million miles from how ever I imagined it...but that's just it, all babies are soooooo different!

One thing though OP, if you don't mind me saying. I didn't know how much my friends were also struggling through the baby stage until I opened up to them about me. But we all went through the same without talking about it. I honestly think some of the pressure on new mums is due to the fact that we just simply aren't fully aware that the struggles are real and most women go through it one way or another. No wonder they say it takes a village!!! Thank you pandemic, thanks a million!!!

DS didn't sleep more than 45 minutes until he went to 2 naps at 9 mo and he did half in the cot and then the second half on me. I'd have to run round the house to get all the housework done before he stirred! Once they're out of the tiny sleepy brand new stage (if you're lucky to get one that does that) then 30-45 minutes is usually what you can expect until they learn to join their sleep cycles. Sometimes they're still tired and grumpy after that but it should improve in time. And tbh sometimes babies just cry - my DD cries far more than DS did because I was literally running myself into the ground attending to his every need. Sometimes mummy needs to drink a cup of tea more than she needs to wave Captain Calamari in baby's face.

I did a Google and all these sleep advice sites are nonsense imo - every one of them was trying to sell me an e-book or a sleep consultant or a live zoom advice session. Everyone of them said something different in terms of awake times and sleeping patterns. They just highlight what you think you're doing wrong and then try to flog you something.

Tomorrow is a new day, hope you get a decent night sleep OP.

Op, I've only just seen this thread and I've not read all your responses because I've seen enough to know that you've had a mix of kind replies and plenty of judgemental ones.

I just want to add my voice to those supporting you and telling you you're not a bad mum.

Definitely speak to your gp, remember that feelings of anger and irritability are symptoms of depression, stress and anxiety so it's not unreasonable to feel anger in these circumstances (and you're clearly making sure that you don't act unreasonably towards your DS bc of it). Next time you feel angry, give yourself those moments to calm down but while you do so try and see if you can identify the feeling that's driving the anger. It should be quite revealing and will help you manage your feelings and also may help guide any positive changes you can make that take the pressure off.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, so I second all those pp saying you need to cut yourself some slack and stop comparing yourself and feeling like a failure bc your baby has different ideas of what his routine should be.

If its affordable, you might want to look into getting a night nanny to do sleep training for you.

Remember, no parent knows what they're doing, everyone makes it up as they go along and babies don't follow rules.

You'll both be OK, be a little kinder to yourself. You're not a failure or a bad mum, so please open up to those you can trust for a little extra support while you navigate a particularly trying phase.

Hi OP I've not read everyone's comments but I've read all your responses.

I just want to reassure you that my baby has always had on average 30-45 min naps. Her total sleep per 24 hours was often only 9 hours (not 11 or 14 as I've heard you mention). She's 6m now, totally healthy and happy, and she hit milestones at all the right times or even early (rolling at 3m, she started to say Mummy about a month ago, she can more or less sit up unaided).

Those baby charts saying they need 14h sleep are just averages. Average means half of babies get less than that, sometimes substantially less. Average is not a target. Just like not all adults are average height or have average shoe size. I think it's really important for you to accept the idea that averages and targets are very different things, especially when your kid grows and goes to school (sorry, teacher here as well). I hope I'm not sounding patronising etc, I mean to be kind.

(I tried to send a second ent but it wouldn't load!)
Basically, some babies need less sleep than others. No need to struggle to get them to sleep more than they need. I think my baby (according to huckleberry) has only had more than 13h in a 24h period just a few times in her life. It's no big deal, she's super healthy and happy. 9-12 hours (varies per day) is enough for her.

Average sleep for my baby is less than 10h per 24h (keep trying to post this photo but it won't work lol)

How did last night go bleach?