Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

OP, where are you getting your information about sleep expectations from? There’s so much crap out there, much of which is people trying to sell you stuff and most of which made me - and may be making you - feel bad. That’s not helpful. If it’s not working for you, ditch it.

What did help me was knowing that it’s absolutely normal - in fact, developmentally appropriate - for babies of this age to take short naps of one sleep cycle (30-50 minutes). It’s also normal for them to need contact for naps, eg in the sling. intuitiveparentingdc.com/blog/2018/7/6/developmentally-appropriate-sleep-expectations-birth-to-age-5

Remember, you can only offer baby the opportunity to sleep - you can’t make him.

On 10 hours overnight, it looks like LO is very capable of sleeping when he needs it. You’re both doing great.

@BerthaYoung @2020iscancelled thank you both. Obviously as a first time mom I am googling everything and expecting my baby to need to follow the ‘rules’ because I don’t know any better! But yes I need to ignore then and focus on my baby and my baby only, not the ‘average’ baby

I’ve been there with the Googling... and the parenting books... and the comments from friends and family... It’s so tough to filter. For me, the loss of confidence and control are the hardest thing about Mum life. (FTM here also.) I’m learning... What you say about focussing on your own baby is spot on. Keep going x

You might find this video about normal infant sleep helpful from Durham university

The little naps he’s had all day really hasn’t done him any good. He’s only doing 30-45 mins at a time so an hour after he’s woken up he’s screaming and working himself into a frenzy because he’s so tired again. And then STILL won’t sleep any longer. Walking him isn’t even working now.

It does have a knock on effect @bleachblondemom, the sleep consultant we enlisted explained that the most important nap for good nighttime sleep is the one before bed if that’s long enough to reduce cortisol levels the night time sleep will be easier for them to link sleep cycles themselves. I know that’s not relevant to you but it does reinforce that good naps in the day and keeping that cortisol level down is so so so important for their future sleep.

I’m sorry you’re having a bad evening so far, it doesn’t mean the whole night will be bad though. Is your partner home?

Tried to get him down again at 6 by replicating bedtime and putting him in his crib but he got too frustrated and was just crying. So had to send DH out to walk him in the pram again. That was at half 6. I really don’t think DS is going to stay asleep for very long once DH brings him home. So that will be 5 short naps he’s had today. I’m sorry I know that’s ok for some peoples babies but I know my baby and it’s really not enough. He needed to get his head down for a good couple of hours at least once today but he just keeps waking up :(

@bleachblondemom

This is the last comment I’ll make as it’s just going around in circles.

You can’t Make him nap, you are giving him so many opportunities and that’s all you can do. And a lot of parenting is like that. When it comes to weaning you’ll offer him all the healthy foods you can most of which will be rejected, or loved for a week then hates etc. You won’t be able to make him eat it but you will offer it and encourage it as that’s your job.

He must sense your stress and frustration which isn’t good for him. You really need to relax, this won’t last forever, by a year old it will only be one nap a day and this will be a thing of the passed and you may look back and regret wasting all your energy on naps

Woke up crying as soon as he got home. Another crappy half an hour nap.

I agree about going around in circles.
I will say that if it's been a bad nap day, it's best to put baby to bed (for the night) early.
But I'll stop now as I think it's falling on deaf ears.

It’s not falling on deaf ears, I just don’t think any of you are getting what I’m saying. I’m not ‘forcing’ him to nap. He is tired. He is crying because he is tired. But he won’t stay down for more than 30-45 minutes, which isn’t enough for him. Once or twice a day yeah but not for every nap. So it’s making him miserable. Even taking him out for a walk in the pram didn’t work. He won’t stay asleep. I am doing everything I can think of. He’s just crying now cos he should still be asleep. The poor little thing looks absolutely shattered. I’m getting frustrated and arguments because people keep telling me to stop trying to ‘make him nap’. If I don’t put the effort in to make him nap, I.e on my feet all day walking and bouncing around, he will not sleep. And even that hasn’t worked today.

OP I have had some days like you describe but my baby sleeps so well at night it doesn’t stress me out! Possible too that the baby is picking up on how stressed and tense you are.

Meant to add it sounds like your baby does sleep well at night too?

I actually didn't say those things which just goes to show that my posts clearly did fall on deaf ears!

@NameChange30 that was aimed at several commenters not just you

@peachypetite I’m trying not to be stressed and tense with him but I’m getting like it now because nobody’s listening to me

Babies that age get tired and moan but don't necessarily need to nap...what about just going for a walk, change in scenery etc honestly there will be more stages like this where they are more tired.

I really feel for you op, I remember the days well.

With Dd I was very focused on napping and read every article I could find. I had to sway with her in the sling and every time I thought we were getting a routine it would all change again. I felt like my entire day was about naps and struggled to do anything else. I had pnd and I really think that the 2 were tied in together. Dd is nearly 6 now and still a rubbish sleeper :(

Ds was different to Dd... firstly, as he had to fit into our routine with Dd he didn’t get the luxury of me being completely dedicated to his routine. He had to nap when and where he could - often in the buggy or car. But if we were at home he had to be held the entire time, so I couldn’t do anything else at all. He’s 21 months now and has napped reliably in his cot since about 16 months ish? He has slept brilliantly in her cot at night since 11 months, after 11 months of co-sleeping with constant breastfeeding all night.

I think a baby who struggles to nap will struggle regardless of what you do and how hard you try. You will drive yourself insane trying! I don’t think you’re trying to make him nap but I do think there needs to be a degree of acceptance that he isn’t going to. He will find a routine as he develops, 11 weeks is still very early for a routine. With Ds I was far less routine focussed as I had to be and I really think it helped my mental health not putting myself under pressure.

@bleachblondemom me again! 🙋🏻‍♀️ I was just checking in to see how you've been doing? I also read you put about baby crying and about walks and when I think back I remember hating taking my baby out at one point as he just cried even when he was tired it was just...yea I didn't want to leave the house at that point. But it reminded me of something I changed - not sure if you have got it or can try it but is there a sitting up bit to the pram? I gave it a whirl as a last resort at (I think it was) 10 weeks and it worked a treat! Had to kinda wedge him in so he didn't fall to the side. But it was the first time he nodded off in the pram with no fight! We've done all kinds of daft things - people must look at me weird but at one stage I even had to walk the pram with the rain cover on because he hated any form of wind on his face, but it worked 😄🙈 Hope that helps 💕 also I'm not sure if you've ever looked up on the shifts in a sleep cycle? I'll try and find it - just been looking but can't for the life of me find it but I remember when I read up on it (my little boy has ALWAYS been a 30 min napper and he's 10 months now, I gave up in the end because it just stressed me out ) but their REM, light and deep sleep is a bit different to us and they can't link them all together. For example, when we say as an adult we slept all night...we actually probably woke up numerous times but didn't realise because we have grown to learn how to send ourselves back to sleep. So when they hit that lovely 30-45 minute (ON THE BLOOMIN DOT!) that's when they stir to wake and a little intervening is a good help such as white noise. My little boy does it without fail every night when I put him to bed 30 mins on the dot and I have to feed him back to sleep, I shouldn't really but it's what he wants so I just go with it. Sometimes I think what if this is forever?! But I know it won't be. And I completely get the whole not stopping thing, I walk and walk and drive for naps...stop or get home boom awake! Don't get me wrong, when they need the sleep they will sleep! I remember once I put my boy down for a nap in his cot and we were 2 hours in! Never ever ever happened again like but it was a welcomed break 😄
I hope that helps a little, I don't even know you but I feel so drawn to your post! I wish I could come and just sit with you & let you know everything will be okay x

Oh and while 30-45 mins often isn’t enough, it is often all they can manage until they learn to link sleep cycles. This often doesn’t happen for daytime naps until much older even if they manage it at night. So don’t consider it a failure for either of you, it’s completely normal.

@CreamFirstThenJamOnTop I am trying my hardest to not get caught up in a ‘routine’, I really really am, but it’s just so hard when he is so obviously tired in the day and is in need of some decent sleep. I know he sleeps really well at night but that doesn’t mean he can then spend the whole day mostly awake. He looks so tired and miserable right now it’s breaking my heart. He’s just getting out the bath now and going to bed, normally he wouldn’t go down til 9. I just want today to be over tbh.

@HopingforbabyD thank you lovely. I’ve just had such a bad day, it’s been an endless cycle of napping and feeding and crying. Just realised I haven’t even brushed my teeth today :|
Sometimes after the first half an hour he fusses so I give him his dummy but that’s usually it for the night then til he wants a feed. And sometimes he doesn’t even wake
Up enough to care about the dummy. I know I’m lucky he’s so good at night at the moment, I just wish it could translate over to the day time :( just because he gets lots of sleep at night doesn’t mean I do, it takes me ages to fall asleep and he’s constantly waking me up with his snorting and grunting and body slamming himself into his cot. He doesn’t wake himself up through all of that but it wakes me up several times!

OP, I am really sorry you are feeling so stressed by the napping situation. I hear what you are saying about knowing your baby and knowing he needs to nap for longer. It may well be that he would benefit from a longer nap but you are trying everything and it's just not happening. He won't actually be harmed or damaged from not having longer naps. He will probably just be a bit miserable and grumpy but babies quite often are miserable and grumpy some of the time. I know that's not much comfort when you are going through it. It's unbelievably tough. The hardest thing about babies is the utter lack of control we have. We just have to give in completely to their needs and be guided by them.

I wonder if ear plugs would help, you'd still hear him crying but it would muffle the noises.

Difficulty sleeping is another symptom of PND. Just saying.

Do you feel like it might be pnd bleach?