Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

Believe me I know all that - I was in tears not so long ago at the thought or another walk! I don’t think we are disagreeing with one another really. Sometimes therapy is the answer, sometimes it’s ADs, sometimes it’s self care and sometimes there isn’t an answer, sometimes it’s ‘this is shit but it will get better.’

👍

@willowsandroses yep I also threw his dummy at the wall one Sunday afternoon when i tried for about 3 hours to get him to sleep to no avail 😕

@FTEngineerM my DH has never raised his voice at the baby but one night similarly to your DP he lost his patience a bit and exclaimed ‘why won’t he just go to sleep for fucks sake’. Very out of character and never happened again. And I’m grateful for you sharing your experience, it’s a small relief to hear that I’m not the only one who’s lost their cool and had to vent. I’m not excusing my behaviour but it just shows you can’t always think rationally and keep it all bottled in. I’ve done lots of crying on the stairs, or had a bit of a ‘tantrum’ in another room, but it still upsets DS as obviously it’s a loud noise which upsets him.
I definitely have felt like I’ve done something wrong because I haven’t been this calm perfect lovely mommy all of the time. And I agree that moms are quickly made to feel like they must be depressed because they’re not happy and patient and loving life all the damn time. It’s hard to admit that since DS was born, there’s been a few times where I’ve thought ‘I hate looking after this baby’. Not hated him, just hated being responsible for him. And admitting that I never got that rush of love when he was born, in fact i still haven’t had it. I’ve grown to love him like I grew to love my husband when we first met. I certainly don’t look at DS and go all giddy with love every time. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I would do anything for that child.

@willowsandroses very well put

@bleachblondemom

Why are you trying to get baby to sleep for 3 hours!! That’s crazy. I always try for 20 min and if not asleep give up and the later! I would be angry if I spent 3 hours!!!!!

I never said you must be depressed if you're not loving every minute, but frequently feeling angry can be a sign of PND, which is why I mentioned it and I'm guessing why others did too.

We can't diagnose over the internet but i am just saying consider it as a possibility. Particularly because I didn't think I had PND but in hindsight I did.

@OverTheRainbow88 because he was tired and I cared??

@bleachblondemom

Do you not think 3 hours of trying is excessive?

I don’t think you sound very well, and would advice you to speak to your GP, trying for 3 hours and throwing a dummy isn’t good for you and baby and is worrying

@OverTheRainbow88 fucking hell if every mom who spent hours trying to soothe a crying tired baby had to go to their gp, the wait list would be about ten years

@bleachblondemom

It’s your anger towards a 10 week old about their sleep which is concerning. Honestly, I’m not trying to be unkind at all, sometimes when your in the situation you don’t realise that it isn’t right.

@OverTheRainbow88 i don’t realise it isn’t right, are you fucking serious? I wouldn’t have written my original post if I didn’t think it wasn’t right. I wouldn’t have spent yesterday in tears feeling like the worst mother in the world if I didn’t think it wasn’t right.
Also, you were commenting on the specific event of me spending 3 hours, of ONE day, trying to get my crying overtired baby to sleep. And you called that ‘excessive’ and ‘worrying’. So either you’ve never had to deal with an overtired upset baby that can’t sleep, or you have and you just ignored it. Because apparantly spending time trying to soothe your baby to sleep is excessive and worrying.

I know when my ds is tired and you try to get him to sleep it’s not as simple as shrugging and oh well ... he will cry and struggle and be generally a nightmare! I go for a drive or walk when this happens but bleach is not a confident driver and is struggling to walk as much as she is.

Get a baby councy chair that vibrates and rock/bounce him in it with vibrate on until he falls to sleep. Good luck op. I hope you're doing ok today.

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@bleachblondemom

Why are you trying to get baby to sleep for 3 hours!! That’s crazy. I always try for 20 min and if not asleep give up and the later! I would be angry if I spent 3 hours!!!!![/quote]
Because they are exhausted and screaming and clearly want to sleep but can't manage.

How many hours in total does he sleep a day? Apologies if you'd said but I can't see it.

@SunHoldsTime

Well I did say try again in a bit.

@bleachblondemom

I have a 2 year old that sleeps less well at night than your 10 week old. Trust me I know sleep deprivation well but getting angry won’t help.

Op - no one is attacking you. What the pp was trying to say, was when you're in the moment, you don't rationalise. I bet 90% of women with PND think they don't have it, and it takes someone else to notice the behaviour isn't normal, because to the person suffering - it's their every day.
You are defensive to the extreme as if people are attacking you, we are not. No one here has said you are a bad mum, that is clearly not the case.
However - I do think you are very reluctant to see the gp, and are extremely angry if anyone suggests it. I am certain any GP would absolutely want to speak to you about what you are going through. It isn't the same as every mother with a tired baby, op. And there's no shame in that! You absolutely want to stop the shouting and the anger, it's so clear in your replies, therefore I really think it's the next best step. No one will think badly of you. No one thinks you're a shit mum. You are terrified of him not sleeping enough in the day, to a point you're extremely anxious about this, whereas the reality is - he will be absolutely fine as he's sleeping so well at night. Reading about baby's on google is so stressful and gives all parents unrealistic expectations. If you were a crap mum you wouldn't be so anxious about making sure he gets the right amount of sleep. You are wearing yourself down with stress and worry, losing your temper and then hating yourself for it. It's a vicious cycle, and I think you need help getting out of it. Anxiety is awful, and pnd is so much more common than you think. 0ver anxiety about your baby and their welfare is also a really common factor in pnd.
I honestly have been where you are, apart from instead of being angry and worried about sleep, I used to hate being alone with my baby incase she died. She was really sick when she was born and I was determined not to bond with her because I was convinced she would die. To the outside world I must have looked awful as I didn't want to do anything with her so I didn't get attached. It took someone else to take me to one side and gently tell me I needed some help. And I really did. I reacted in the same way, lashed out and assumed everyone thought I was a shit mum. When it was the other way around - I cared SO much it made me ill. And I think your case is exactly the same. You love him SO much, you're terrified he will come to harm, and the thing that sticks out the most that you want to fix, is sleep. You're driving yourself to illness because you're so worried about doing right by your baby - that's not a shit mum op, it's a remarkable one. ❤️

Every time I search online about young babies sleeping it always says they shouldn’t be awake for more than an hour or an hour and a half at his age. So I feel like it’s going to be detrimental to his health & development if I don’t get him enough sleep.

Op, my first was like yours. Just not into naps. I had the GP say at his 8 week check ‘oh, that’s not enough sleep!’ Which was just so unhelpful that I nearly clocked her. He was never a ‘put down and leave to sleep’ baby. Not unless you wanted him to scream until he was sick.

In the end I gave up trying to stick to the ‘norm’. There are always outliers. My second was totally the other way around and napped like it was a competitive sport. And DS1 was fine. He found his own rhythm and, if he rarely slept for more than 25 minutes at a time when he was tiny, he and I were both happier when I stopped obsessing about it and trying to make him sleep/stay asleep.

He’s now 9. He’s totally bossing fractions, can spell like a demon, just wrote me a lovely story about a panda who escaped from the zoo and got a job at Pizza Express and says he’s going to be a DNA scientist when he grows up.

A PP’s advice of a swing is one I heartily recommend, it really helped DS1 to settle. I also really recommend the Baby Bjorn bouncy chair which is more like a hammock and supports them really well, and if they start to stir they more or less start bouncing themselves again. Expensive but you can probably get one second hand and honestly it was amazing.

@Clymene on a good day, about 6-7 hours total over 2 or 3 naps. On a bad day (like every day this week and most of last!) about 1.5-2 hours total over 2 or 3 naps. And even on ‘good days’, when he has a long nap in his sling, he’ll be stirring and fussing every half an hour and need soothing back to sleep before he cries too hard, so I don’t feel like he’s having ‘good quality’ sleep when it’s so broken.
But it’s not just the amount of sleep I’m concerned about, it’s how he sleeps. So yeah he might have a 2 or 3 hour nap in his sling, but only because I’ve spent those hours on my feet rocking and bouncing and walking otherwise he cries. And then I have to do that again in the afternoon, or take him out in the pram when my legs and feet are aching like mad. I just didn’t think getting my baby to nap would include so much physical exercise on my part!

"on a good day, about 6-7 hours total over 2 or 3 naps"

All babies are different of course but I think that in general a 3 month old needs about 5-5.5 hours total of daytime naps. I'm not saying this to criticise, just in case it's helpful to you, because once baby's had 5 hours (or maybe even 4 hours) you can give yourself permission to relax

PS Also I think that is usually spread out over 4 naps which would suggest to me that shortish naps are the norm, so again no pressure to make him have lots of long naps if he's fighting them and waking up after a short time.

@OverTheRainbow88 no we weren’t talking about me being angry. You commented on the specific event of me trying for 3 hours to get my baby to sleep. Not me being angry. So no I don’t think it was excessive for me to have been concerned about my baby and trying to help him sleep. Unfortunately it didn’t work and I got upset. As I’m sure a lot of other people would. But not you cos you’re perfectly reasonable.

@imalmostthere I’m sorry you had to go through that, I hope your little one is ok now, and you of course. Thank you for your comment and kinds words x

We had a little chair with a vibrating setting - worked wonders - maybe try that?

the hairdryer/white noise/ sit them in front of the washing machine also worked for us.

just try and stay calm. Leave the room if you need to and you can put the baby somewhere safe for a few minutes. If it's getting too much, mention it to your HV

it's hard but it'll get easier