Baby not napping well and I’m getting so angry

[bleachblondemom]

Long post but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it.

My son is 10 weeks old and his day time naps are always hit-and-miss, but have been really bad this week. I’m getting so angry and frustrated with him, my temper is out of control. I try not to direct it at him but he is obviously aware of me getting angry and shouting and it makes him cry, then I feel like a total monster. Sometimes I have to scream into a pillow. Sometimes I just leave the room and sob.
He sleeps brilliant in his crib at night but refuses to sleep in their during the day. So there’s two ways I can get him to sleep:

The sling- for the first few weeks of me buying a sling he would nap in it for hours. I could sit watching tv, make & eat lunch, do housework etc. But now I have to be constantly moving or he starts to wake up. I can sit down for 5-10 minutes before he stirs, and if I don’t move fast enough he starts to cry. Sometimes I can resettle him, sometimes it’s game over. And some days he just won’t sleep in it for longer than 30-60 minutes despite me moving constantly. My back, shoulders, legs and feet are killing me.

The pram- he has to be walked for minimum an hour to get him into a deep sleep, then I can bring him home and leave him in the hall. Sometimes he stays asleep for hours. Sometimes his eyes snap open as soon as we get to the front door. This week, I have taken him out every day and each time he has slept for half an hour then woke up. I have walked until I’m exhausted and he won’t go back to sleep, despite him yawning and his eyes drooping. He just refuses to.

I used to be able to get him to nap for about an hour on my bed in the mornings so I could nap too but he hasn’t done this for weeks.

I am so so tired of having to work so hard just to get him to nap. My whole day revolves around it. I can’t take it anymore. Every day I say to myself, I’m not going to get angry again, I will just take a deep breath and calm myself down. Then the next day comes and I have another breakdown.

I love him so much and it hurts me that I’m missing out on playing with him and interacting with him because I’m so focused on getting him to sleep, or I’m in another room crying. Sometimes I feel like I hate him and he hates me too because I’m horrible to him.

I know sleep training is an option but I’m dreading it. I can’t trust myself to stay calm and not getting angry or upset. And I will be doing it alone as DH will be at work. I’ve tried putting him down in the day using the same nighttime routine (noise machine on, sleeping bag on, bottle, crib, dummy if necessary). Doesn’t work. I’m going to get blackout curtains to see if I can trick him into thinking it’s nighttime. But surely then he will only ever be able to nap in the dark which just isn’t feasible at all.

I just want some advice, or even just to know I’m not alone. I just want to feel like I’m not a horrible bitch for feeling this way.

Lullin is a good app. I saw it recommended on here. It plays different white noise and you can set timers.

[quote bleachblondemom]@Clymene on a good day, about 6-7 hours total over 2 or 3 naps. On a bad day (like every day this week and most of last!) about 1.5-2 hours total over 2 or 3 naps. And even on ‘good days’, when he has a long nap in his sling, he’ll be stirring and fussing every half an hour and need soothing back to sleep before he cries too hard, so I don’t feel like he’s having ‘good quality’ sleep when it’s so broken.
But it’s not just the amount of sleep I’m concerned about, it’s how he sleeps. So yeah he might have a 2 or 3 hour nap in his sling, but only because I’ve spent those hours on my feet rocking and bouncing and walking otherwise he cries. And then I have to do that again in the afternoon, or take him out in the pram when my legs and feet are aching like mad. I just didn’t think getting my baby to nap would include so much physical exercise on my part![/quote]
But that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking how many hours he gets in total.

He seems to sleep a lot at night to me (compared to my kids at that age!)

So what I mean is that you have to look at sleep in the round. Babies don't start of by dividing the world into night and day although yours seems to have got that down pat! My baby was a brilliant napper but SHOCKING and I mean shocking at night. I was lucky if I got 2 hours in a row.

But overall, he got a reasonable amount of sleep for his age. He just preferred doing it during the day.

[quote bleachblondemom]@imalmostthere I’m sorry you had to go through that, I hope your little one is ok now, and you of course. Thank you for your comment and kinds words x[/quote]
I promise it gets better. It doesn't seem like it, but it does. X

I really feel for you op, it’s really hard when you have a baby that doesn’t nap. Mine was the same up until 3 months. Literally every time I would try and put him down for a nap, he would scream the place down. He was ebf and ended up spending most of the day feeding as that was the only place I could comfort him. Not great when you have a 4 year old as well! But I did persevere with putting him down for naps every couple of hours, even if it ended up with me getting him back up again. And then around the 3 month mark, he changed. He suddenly decided he liked naps, would settle himself to sleep in his cot and would sleep for a couple of hours at a time. I’m not writing this to brag, I’m writing it as a hopeful sign that the same thing might happen to you too. And you’re almost there. I would start putting him down for naps in his cot every time you think he needs one. And yes, he will probably cry every time, and you will think what’s the point. But, eventually, it might just click and he may well settle for a while. And the way I used to look at it, even if he was screaming for 10 minutes, in that 10 minutes I could have a drink, or grab something to eat, or just have a time out for a few minutes before it all began again.

Some people have mentioned pnd. I’m sure it’s something you are aware of, but by the sounds of things, if you could get him to nap and you could get a break whilst he naps, you would probably feel ok. It’s the constant cycle of trying to get him to sleep throughout the day that is driving you insane. Please try and reach out to people though. And I mean real people like your parents etc. You said that you liked to pretend everything is ok. It’s alright to admit that you find it hard. EVERY parent does. And once you say it out loud to someone, you might just feel better. It doesn’t mean you love your baby any less, it actually means that you want to do everything you can to meet your babies needs. It’s bloody hard work having a 10 week old that doesn’t sleep. I’ve been there and it drove me to insanity. I desperately wanted a break for 5 minutes, I had my other son who had lost his mummy, and sometimes I would sit there and cry. But it won’t be forever (and I used to hate people that told me that!) but it’s true. And you will get through it. You’ve done 10 hard weeks already. Sending lots of hugs.

And yes, it most definitely gets better. A week in your life is an age to you as a new mum but it's a developmental leap to a baby. At that age, the moment you think they're predictable, they switch it all up again. There's a lot of rolling with the punches.

He's only 10 weeks, is he your first?
he's not going to have a routine of naps yet.
He's not going to want to fall asleep without feeling safe and close to you. Google 4th trimester.

Take a deep breath when you're feeling frustrated, remind yourself that your job isn't to 'get' him to sleep. Your job is to make him feel so safe and so loved he can relax enough to fall asleep.
Please consider seeing a GP ASAP too, as being really honest with you it sounds like you need some help.

Aww that’s so lovely: Your job is to make him feel so safe and so loved he can relax enough to fall asleep

@bleachblondemom it’s ok, thing is when I opened up to women in private about it almost every single one had a similar story of total exasperation at some point to the point of ‘losing control’ what ever that meant for them, be it saying a swear word, shouting in the hall or just leaving their baby cry for bloody ages whilst they calmed down. Of course it’s never ok to harm/scare/hurt your baby physically or mentally but let’s be honest, they don’t know what you’re saying at 2 months old so whether you’re saying ‘go to fucking sleep’ or ‘I love you so much’ as long as the tone is nice and calm and sweet it doesn’t make two hoots of a difference if it makes you feel better in the moment.

I remember saying to DP at 4 weeks PP ‘I hate being a mum’ and he was surprised but also said ‘this is so hard, it’s so so so much harder than I thought. You get nothing back’ it wasn’t until we started reading of others experiences that we saw it’s actually normal to be so dumbfounded especially for your first (ours was). He found a link that was from a mothers blog, it said something along the lines of ‘0-2weeks is mania, everything is happy and you’re cleaning everything after birth - bright blue skies’ then ‘2-10 weeks depths of despair, relentless feed, burp, nappy, sleep, repeat with nothing back’ then it’s starts to get brighter as your baby starts smiling and responding to you.

It totally resonated with me. Now at 8.5m old he’s so much fun I can quite believe how much I love being a mum. Not every day will be bad and not every stage will be bad. I’ll leave this thread now but if you ever want to message me feel free I’m going through it all again in September so I’ll probably be writing my own threads.

As an aside: yes some things can be a sign of PND/PNA but if your ‘symptoms’ get infinitely better almost immediately after having a good rest then it’s clearly not the problem.

@FTEngineerM thank you I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me like this, it is making me see the light a little bit more

@Emmacb82 thank you, I am going to keep trying him in his cot but I’m not gonna get worked up about it and feel like I’ve failed every time it doesn’t work. I did try this morning actually but he wasn’t having it so I said ok no problem and let him sleep in my arms instead. He did 50 mins which was quite surprising as the last few weeks he hasn’t even slept well on me, it’s like he suddenly finds me really uncomfortable or something!

OP I have been there, I had a non napper too! Mine slept fine at night but for some reason would refuse to go down for a nap, I had to work so so hard to get them down and when I did manage it, they would sleep for no longer than 30 minutes. It’s an awful time as people say to you “try this, try that” but I had already tried everything and it didn’t work! I found I felt quite bitter if any of my mum friends had a good napper or I even saw a baby/toddler asleep in a pram! I don’t have much advice other than, eventually I just accepted my limitations because of the nap situation and just accepted that the 30 min naps were how it had to happen. Eventually at about 7 months they lengthened to 2 hours, to be honest I didn’t really do anything, it’s like baby just decided sleep was OK now!

My advice would be, try and work on getting baby to self soothe and don’t worry about the length of the nap, it will take some time but then at least you aren’t having to invest extra time into getting them to sleep it’s not such a big blow to only get short naps. Plus you can put baby down for 4/5 naps if needs be to get the necessary sleep in.

You do come out of the other side though, it’s a crap lonely time but one day you’ll realise wow when was the last time I had to battle for a nap!

The first 3-4 months of motherhood are brutal. Absolutely brutal.

@FTEngineerM I'm so really appreciating your posts.

Aha - found it ‘sacks of potato’s’ made me smile again reading it through.

Have a read when you have a few minutes at some point this century. Totally agree @Clymene you’ve said it better than I ever could.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.scarymommy.com/hate-newborn-stage/%3famp

@bleachblondemom you poor poppet. It’s clear how much you love him otherwise you wouldn’t be giving yourself such a hard time. Tiny babies are hard. There’s endless advice about what babies should be doing and I felt guilty when mine didn’t!

Try to give yourself a break and don’t feel you’re failing if he doesn’t nap. You aren’t. This will pass - hang in there.

No I really didn't! You were really articulate @FTEngineerM. My experiences are a distant memory (children are now teenagers) but that is (sadly) my lasting memory of those first few months.

I know some women enjoy it. I was not one of them!

but all I read constantly is baby should be asleep for X amount of hours in 24

Where are you reading this op? Because you need to stop,reading this. All babies are different, if he sleeps well during the night and doesn’t wish to sleep for hours during the day then this is good, you’ve a good baby, don’t try to make him something you read.

I used to find it stressful when my first didn't nap, less so with my second - she's had to work around school runs, after school clubs etc and as a result has been a more adaptable baby. If sleeping well at night I wouldn't worry about it too much, he will eventually sleep if he's exhausted. I actually think it's quite normal/common to feel angry with a crying baby, you are not really angry with him - it's just exhaustion and their cry's are designed to go right through us. Loads of Mums feel angry with their children, I have a 4 year old and a baby and often feel angry with them, doesn't mean I'd ever snap of do anything to harm them. If you are struggling with your anger/exhaustion put him in his cot, go out of the room to calm down, give yourself a few minutes (letting him
cry for a few mins won't do him any harm and is better than shouting at him) and remember that this phase will pass.......it gets easier I promise!

Oh yes, and try a dummy!

Breathe.

Nothing bad is going to happen to your baby if it skips a few naps. Could be many reasons this week is a bad one, regressions, a leap, it’s being a pain in the arse.

What will happen if you force yourself to walk miles, carry a baby 24/7 and never get a break is you’ll break emotionally and physically.

You can’t be a good mum if you don’t look after yourself first.

My advice if it’s any good - stop walking, rocking etc. You’ll only get him used to it and make life harder in the future, he will sleep eventually, get yourself all set up in bed with a drink, tv, babies favourite blanket and a bottle and pop a film on mute and just lie there for as long as it takes. Cuddles and gentle rocking occasionally, it’s not nice to hear them crying I know, but if they’re tired they’ll go to sleep either way. If he’s going to fuss and cry regardless might as well make it comfy for you!

Also, some PP are right, you should speak to the GP, even over the phone, you can refuse AD if you’re sure it’s exhaustion but they could help/ support you in other ways. Mine were great with advice over my DS after my EMCS.

Everyone’s opinion on you screaming into a pillow/ shouting is irrelevant really. Even mine, but we all show frustration in our own ways, when you are shouting in the direction of your son and then you apologise, it’s not great and you know that, have admitted it. Some posters expressed about you potentially harming your DS in the future and from an outsiders perspective with the small amount of information on the thread overall, it’s not far fetched, we don’t know you personally.

If you don’t feel like you can talk to your DP the full extent of how you feel, keep this thread open, someone is better than no one. Your anger seems to sometimes come out in your responses to people who you don’t agree with, I don’t think it’s doing you any favours. Not everyone is going to be supportive as your initial post doesn’t explain as well as your other posts some of the issues.

I hope next week is better.

Hi OP. How has today been? Did you get to try any of the suggestions on this thread?

@Ihoeihoeihoe

Please leave OP alone. She is posting from a place of complete exhaustion, of course she is going to be snappy and defensive. Mumsnet seems to see sleep as an optional ‘nice to have’, it isn’t, it’s essential for you to function and think straight.

Cuddles and gentle rocking occasionally, it’s not nice to hear them crying I know, but if they’re tired they’ll go to sleep either way.

No, seriously. They won’t. Some of you obviously have no idea what it’s like to have a baby who clearly, CLEARLY needs to sleep but needs voodoo and black magic to get and stay that way. Sitting trying to cuddle a raging, clawing, writhing baby who wants you to do whatever it is they need at that particular astrological cycle or wind direction to get them asleep is far from comfortable or pleasurable. You get up and do whatever you need to do to make the rage stop.

Bluntness again....you really have no idea. The OP is not just trying to tick a box in a book because she feels she’s supposed to while looking at her perfectly contented but wakeful baby. She has a baby who is clearly impossible to manage when he’s underslept so the natural, and probably correct, logic is that he’s not meeting his sleep requirements. I had two babies like this and it was utter hell. On the rare occasions I could get them napping enough they were just different babies and I could actually enjoy them and do something pleasurable with them that didn’t involve endless walking and distraction and they were obviously happier. When I couldn’t, they were clingy, screaming, SCREAMING horrors that just made the days an endless, painful, boring slog, with the permanent, all-encompassing guilt that I couldn’t crack this sleep code that made all of our lives more bearable. No, they didn’t have reflux, no they didn’t have CMPA, yes I tried bouncer, dummy, swaddling, white noise, howling at the full moon, yes I read every baby sleep book that was ever published...I didn’t have the benefit of night sleep either. It was 24/7 sleep torture for years.

My youngest is six and the horror of them being non-sleeping, non-napping babies has honestly scarred me for life (you can see by the time stamp on this post that my own sleep patterns are also permanently fucked as a result also). Before lockdown, I saw a mother put her slightly grizzly baby down in a pram, cover her in a blanket and walk away. The baby then FELL ASLEEP. WITHOUT HELP. It was literally like seeing the Yeti because never, in a pink fit with every trick, tip, app, gimmick or even sleep training cycle inflicted on my poor babies were they ever capable of that. Even after all this time it astonished me. Is that because she’s a better mother than me? Once upon a time I would have thought so, and felt it deeply. I now know this is not the case. Some babies just cannot sleep without a lot help despite the clear and desperate need to do so, no more than you can force them to crawl, walk or talk before they’re ready.

I’ve only read ops posts and I hope you had a better day yesterday. I’ve got two sleep fighters one age 3.5 years and a 6 month old.
I know others have recommended trying different things. I found walking out with pram worked well for both of mine although it varied how long they slept. I use blankets as I can layer them up when we are out and carefully remove them if I bring the pram in whilst they are still asleep. Usually I leave the pram and sleeping child in the garden.
Babies pick up on how you are feeling so if you’re stressed they will be. A good solution I have found when I’m stressed and the baby is picking up on that and still not sleeping is to have a bath together, whatever the time of day. Lots of skin to skin, warm water and you both relax and then the baby usually will drop off after drying and dressing (still with help in my case)
The old favourite, warm the basket/cot up before you put them down especially if you’ve fed them to sleep. If you put the on a sheepskin or a fleece blanket like a sheet and you’ve warmed it up the transfer from arms to basket is easier. Also warm any blankets you cover them with.
Lowering a sleeping baby into a cot is difficult but into a pram, basket or crib is easier so think about where you are putting them, plan it.
I’ve not used white noise but I find something on in the background helps (I like fairly boring history documentaries, no loud bits but interesting for me to listen to) then if some bastard makes a loud noise outside or phones you the baby doesn’t suddenly wake up.
Only once has my 6 month old fallen asleep without help.

I'm not sure what I can constructively say here tbh. Your expectations are way, way off, and I know you don't like people saying that, but it doesn't stop it being true.

The amount of sleep your baby gets on. 'giod' day is far far far above the norm. I think this has given you a misleading impression on babies sleep. Your 'bad' days sound far more normal, and that's the thing, during the day you don't have a bad sleeper, you have an average one.

And you wonder how you'll cope if baby wakes up at night again and you can't sleep in the day - honestly, like the majority of parents of a non sleeping child who either go out to work, have an older child or both (most babies don't sleep through when mum goes back to work). You are more tired, tag with your partner more, and eventually get through it. It's exhausting, but it is what it is. It's been 3 years since I've had a full night sleep. Tonight I've had a broken 4hrs, and that's not a newborn, it's a nearly 2 year old. Your baby sleeps well at night, so hold onto that positive.

As a piece of practical advice, my first at that age woke reliably after 37 minutes of sleep (yes, that precise), so I'd rock the cot slightly which would rouse him a little and start a new sleep cycle, at 34 minutes. It worked about 50% of the time, and I'd get a further 37 minutes out of her.