Rules for your Older Teen

[DadJoke]

My DS (16) suggests I am ruining his life with the household rules I've set, and that his friends have much less stringent rules. I'm after a reality check.

For background, he misses some lessons, doesn't do all his homework and gets a mix of results, none of which reflect his ability. He is obssessed with media. He's currently banned from his PS4 until April because of previous bad behaviour. If his grades improve by then, he'll get it back.

Household Chores:
Do the dishwasher each morning.
Sort the socks every now and then.

His chores:
Shower, clean clothes and deoderant every day.
Clean his room once a week.
Bring plates and dishes of his to the kitchen.
Hang up his washing.
If he does cook for himself (a few lunches a week) he clears up.

He needs to get up in time for his lessons and attend them, supervised.
Do all his homework on time.
No phone during school hours (during lockdown)
Spend 5 to 6 hours a day doing the lessons, homework and revision.
Three hours in the morning Sat and Sun homework and revision, then he does what he wants. No laptop after 11, in bed by 1, no phone.
Once all that's done he can do what he wants until 10:30, after which, no more laptop, but he keeps his phone.
Bed at 12:00.

He went on strike from school for three days because I insisted on him being supervised - when I installed a screen watcher (with his reluctant permission) I found he was spending most of the time watching Twitch. Eventually, with the help of the school, he returned, though I was on the verge of caving and letting him just make his own mistakes (which would be doing barely any work and playing computer games all the time).

Not got a child that old but am ex teacher and current tutor.
Ban til April for PS4. That's extreme and doesn't give you a lot of bargaining room or incentive making ability.
FYI, not all homework gets done by many students much of the time.

Do you work both days at the weekend?

At this age, you need to be guiding and helping them learn for themselves. He's too old to be dictated to like this and it's likely to backfire

@Harrysmummy246

Not got a child that old but am ex teacher and current tutor. Ban til April for PS4. That's extreme and doesn't give you a lot of bargaining room or incentive making ability. FYI, not all homework gets done by many students much of the time.

Do you work both days at the weekend?

At this age, you need to be guiding and helping them learn for themselves. He's too old to be dictated to like this and it's likely to backfire

Thank you - so that's a vote for "too harsh."

He has access to his laptop, which gives him computer games for five or six hours a day. He also has a phone. This gives me a lot of wiggle room to extend or reduce media privileges if I need to.

He had 18 hours a week of PS4, twice during the week and 6 hours each on Saturday and Sunday, to be increased if his grades improved modestly. He always shouted and screamed and thumped the floor when he was on the PS4, which caused the neighbours to knock on the wall. I could live with that, but when I reminded him he had to stop at 10:30 it lead to furious swearing and shouting from him, almost every single time. Because of this and reports from school, I've taken it off him for the moment, and that behaviour seems to have abated.

The school recommends he does one to three hours of additional work every day, including weekends, which I thought was too much. Doing some work at the weekends gives him enough time to wind down and relax, and because he has to do his weekend work in the morning, he's free to do whatever he wants with no arguments for the rest of the week, then get good sleep.

Considering outside lockdown, the school day is 7 hours plus travelling, and then an hour's homework, 5-6 hours a day plus 6 hours at the week doesn't seem link much.

I left him unsupervised during the day for quite a while, just checking that he'd done his homework. He ended up not attending lessons, and deceiving me about the work he was supposed to be doing. One of his maths teachers called me to say he had done literally no homework all term.

I'd be more than happy to leave him to his own devices and give him more responsibility. I try to loosen the reins as he demonstrates that he's showing responsibility, but so far when I've done that, he takes advantage and slackens off.

School says 1-3 hours. So perhaps 3 hours each day at weekend is too much?
And just because time is being spent, doesn't mean well spent. Quality vs quantity..... (and as a tutor, one hour focused 1-1 is worth way more than a vague hour with a book in front of you clock watching......)

Your approach is very authoritarian (I said, he must, etcetc) and I can't see where the incentive to do anything is for your son. The pandemic has pulled the rug from under our exam years. AGAIN. It is hard to see as a teenager, what the point is if exams aren't going ahead and it's Teacher Assessment

At this age, you need to be guiding and helping them learn for themselves. He's too old to be dictated to like this and it's likely to backfire

this^

all of those rules and micro management of what to do when. just reading your list made a small old part of me want to rebel!

I have 2 teens and I can't even begin to think what rules we have, I have expectations of there behaviour and school/college results. We do have boundaries for them but not anything like what you have written.

'You can take a horse to water but you cannot make him drink' springs to mind. He needs to learn from his own mistakes.
Carry on like this and you will lose your son.

I have a 16 year old, I must admit he is lazy in terms of household chores. He does his school work and his grades are fine. I therefore don’t monitor him but I do tell him to be in bed by midnight. He spends most of his time in his bedroom or on the PC. I can’t comment really on your rules as I think I’m lax but in Covid I don’t want to stress him out.

Sounds rather prescriptive to me.
Mine don't have particular chores, we all just help out eg. DS1 made dinner today as I was working late. They are mostly pretty good at this and it's not really a source of conflict. I want them to grow up to be reasonable adults.
They do have limited gaming time and this is a source of conflict. I don't mind which gadget they use for gaming - their choice. Consoles are often good for chatting to friends which I guess is good while socialising is so restricted.
No phones overnight is probably a good rule for all of us.

You're extremely strict compared to me, OP.
DS is yr12, I think that matters, because yr11 is GCSE yr.
But I wasn't a slave driver when he was in yr11, either.

Yr12: they have to want to learn. I'm not battling to make them want something.

"At this age, you need to be guiding and helping them learn for themselves. He's too old to be dictated to like this and it's likely to backfire"

is good. You're trying to give them skills to make good choices. They means giving them freedom to make some bad choices.

My expectations of my 16 year old are similar to yours, but nothing is as prescriptive as this. No phone at night, bed by 12/1, clean room once a week etc, but I don't supervise schoolwork and don't tell her how long she has to work at the weekend. I expect her to help if I ask (so lay the table or do the dishwasher) but don't expect certain jobs on certain days and think if I took a very rigid approach she would find that very annoying and would cause friction. I will often give her closed options like I did when she was little, but now its 'do you want to change your bed and hoover on Saturday or Sunday?' rather than 'green cup or blue cup?' She is essentially a huge, irrational toddler a lot of the time!

I try and talk to DD as an adult as much as possible and push the responsibility onto her. It's rare I lay down the law as I just don't think its effective at 16. She needs to learn to manage her time, deal with school/deadline issues etc. If they screw up then they learn from it. I only get really strict if she really takes the piss or I think the consequences of her actions would be really damaging to her.

It's a tricky age so you have my sympathies.

Much stricter than I have ever been with any of mine (youngest now 18) At sixteen you hope that they are going to be reasonable and productive adults so my rules would be pitch in when you see something needs doing as you live here too. Do yourself justice at school as you will be the one to reap the benefits or suffer the consequences and don't strop and huff come and talk to me so we can sort things out. Seems to have served me well anyway have had no real issues with any of them.

Another vote for you're way to harsh OP.

Is your DS year 12 or year 11?

My eldest is nearly 16, but I have it easy I admit as she's aelf motivated with school (I have a nearly 14 year old boy who needs a bit more chivvying).

The thing I think his too much is the 3 hours school work Saturday and Sunday. One day clear of school work per week is healthy.

We have no phones or individual gaming after 7pm - family TV in the living room or music and reading wherever but all individual screens are locked at 7pm (I try not to use mine at home later in the evening either - I'm at work off duty on call atm). Most people on MN might say that's unreasonable, but tbh the teens say they find it good as they have an excuse not to reply to messages til the next day! DH is a software engineer and still ahead of the kids tech wise. We have a screen viewer on DS's gaming PC with his knowledge and consent, not on DD's as she barely uses it outside of school work since getting bored of SIMS, and she never closes her bedroom door and usually hangs around downstairs (not really a typical teen).

I hated sorting other people's socks as a teen - give everyone their own sock bag which goes straight into the machine, and everyone sorts their own socks and puts away their own laundry.

I have a 16 year old and I’d say way too strict, they need to learn to make their own choices and mistakes - supervising his lessons to this extent seems very over the top - remember these kids are struggling, their only social engagement (with people their age) is via gaming and phones, it needs to be a balanced approach

You're treating him like a tween. He's legally able to join the army!

Could you try talking with him about what he considers fair and appropriate? He needs to have a sense of control and to feel heard and respected. Otherwise all he's got is you to rail against.

From the outside looking in it appears very school heavy and the PS ban is very long.

I think your intentions look good, but there's too much micro management.

I'm shocked how strict you are if I'm honest.
Our youngest is 15 and has no real rules other than doing school online, homework and helping if I ask her to.
She has always had to keep her room tidy and brings her washing down / puts away etc and helps with household chores.
Our other 2 are now adults and were treated exactly the same way.
They have to learn how to regulate themselves and if they make wrong choices they learn from them which can't happen if they are micromanaged.
The most surprising part is that you supervise his online learning , he's 16 not 6.

Ohalrightthen I think there are rather a lot of strict rules, discipline and routines for 16 year olds in the army!

I agree with pp, I'm less strict with my DS (16) although my DH and I do differ on some things and he would like us to be stricter. He has similar chores and we turn the internet off for all of us around 10.30 on weeknights, stays on all night at weekends.
I don't think it's possible for any of us to tell you you're too harsh when we don't know your DS and your relationship with him. It does sound though like you might have found yourself in a frustrating dynamic of punishment and rebellion which can't be pleasant for either of you and perhaps is grounds to review and reset a bit.
I try to treat my DS respectfully, thinking about the adult he nearly is and the kind of adult behaviour I want to model to him. We try to involve him in making rules but do disagree and set firmer boundaries if we think he's asking for too much. He does take the piss every now and then and generally be a teenager but we try to deal with that on the day/in the week and not dole out long term punishments like removal of things he values.

We have a household rule of all phones stay downstairs at night. And I ask mine to do things most days like bring the washing down or take that rubbish out or lay the table. Apart from that, no rules. But mine seems to be doing school work ok, will come out for a walk or bike ride, eats vegetables, washes and gets up, so im reasonably happy with them. I might well take your stance if they change.

Much stricter than I am tbh.

I have 3 requirements / goals from 17yo DS, do all your school work, be happy and be nice to the rest of the household.

Everything else falls into place around these.

My two , dd16 and ds14 are pretty good regarding online learning, tuition and the current school thing. My dd18 has deferred her university place until next year but is working. They do their own washing and keep their own rooms tidy. Apart from that they have no set chores of anything. My eldest is very good regarding cooking and my son wears flying goggles when chasing the vacuum cleaner round ( takes after his father ). My 16 dd is a total Princess. My husband does the rest. Bless him.

My third child is 16yrs old. As with his older siblings, and in time his younger sibling, I try to have as few rules as possible. Big believer than you can guide teenagers but you can't, and shouldn't, control them. In preparing them to lead a full and happy life in the future, they simply need to understand that only they are responsible for the choices they make (be they good or bad). I'm always there, when they fail or succeed, but I cannot force them to meet the expectations that I or school set them.

I've had weeks where 16yr old has diligently attend online lessons and done work and days where he refuses. School and I have great communication, they agree that during this pandemic happy healthy children paramount over educational success.

Perhaps I'm quite laid back about education, I went to college after baby no2 and uni after baby no4. For some teenagers educational success is everything for others, like me, we access it later in life.

I have a 15 year old girl 17 year old boy. I don't set 'rules'. I certainly do not supervise their online lessons. I make sure they are awake on time but they are responsible for registering online and attending the classes and doing their work. I also do not say how often they have to shower - that seems bizarre. Surely you have instilled good habits. I also do not restrict phone usage. At 16 I would expect a certain independence and common sense.
So, my kids register in time, do their work, keep their own rooms clean, walk the dogs, take the rubbish out and so on. I may have to remind them, but they do it without fuss. They aren't rules as such, if their rooms get in a mess they have to live with it. My son is quite bored at the moment so does the dishes every day. I do get a bit fed up with having to remind them to hang up the towels and no one seems to have figured out how to change the toilet roll, but I find the looser the leash, allowing them to be responsible (and suffer the consequences if not), works far better than micromanaging. Step back.

We were pretty lax by most people's standards on here. They didnt have fixed chores or rules on phones etc
They had to let us know if they were running late, or were staying over somewhere. They had to be polite,well mannered and kind. That was about it.
If school work wasnt done then it was up to them to suck up the consequences and not whinge about detentions or failure.
The eldest two both went on to get degrees( one a first) and the youngest DS 19 was out today clearing snow for his grandma and pushing cars. They seem to have turned out ok