Rules for your Older Teen

[DadJoke]

My DS (16) suggests I am ruining his life with the household rules I've set, and that his friends have much less stringent rules. I'm after a reality check.

For background, he misses some lessons, doesn't do all his homework and gets a mix of results, none of which reflect his ability. He is obssessed with media. He's currently banned from his PS4 until April because of previous bad behaviour. If his grades improve by then, he'll get it back.

Household Chores:
Do the dishwasher each morning.
Sort the socks every now and then.

His chores:
Shower, clean clothes and deoderant every day.
Clean his room once a week.
Bring plates and dishes of his to the kitchen.
Hang up his washing.
If he does cook for himself (a few lunches a week) he clears up.

He needs to get up in time for his lessons and attend them, supervised.
Do all his homework on time.
No phone during school hours (during lockdown)
Spend 5 to 6 hours a day doing the lessons, homework and revision.
Three hours in the morning Sat and Sun homework and revision, then he does what he wants. No laptop after 11, in bed by 1, no phone.
Once all that's done he can do what he wants until 10:30, after which, no more laptop, but he keeps his phone.
Bed at 12:00.

He went on strike from school for three days because I insisted on him being supervised - when I installed a screen watcher (with his reluctant permission) I found he was spending most of the time watching Twitch. Eventually, with the help of the school, he returned, though I was on the verge of caving and letting him just make his own mistakes (which would be doing barely any work and playing computer games all the time).

@Jeremyironseverything

Well I'd slack off, if you let up too. Because you are too extreme.

You'll lose him if you continue.

By age 16 I had no real rules or punishments. I'd done the groundwork, from when they were younger and by 16, they were in charge of their own destiny. We had conversations if I felt things could be better. I expressed disappointment if things went wrong. We talked about the future and repercussions of their behavior now. But I didn't punish. We have a great relationship now.

Taking his phone off him during school time and stopping him playing games instead of doing school work is not a punishment.

The PS4 was making my life, my partner’s life and the neighbour’s hell, as well as being preferred to doing homework. I would not expect an adult to behave like that if they were living with me.

Different kids need different rules. Some need firmer boundaries and more structure, others don’t. I’ve tried the “giving him responsibility and offering help” approach and it’s not worked out for him - he played truant and required intervention from the school which asked me to supervise him.

I’ve tried many approaches so I’m not saying I am
right - I’ve clearly failed, but it’s not straightforward.

Different kids need different rules. Some need firmer boundaries and more structure, others don’t. I’ve tried the “giving him responsibility and offering help” approach and it’s not worked out for him - he played truant and required intervention from the school which asked me to supervise him.

I’ve tried many approaches so I’m not saying I am right - I’ve clearly failed, but it’s not straightforward.

I hear you. Other parents can afford to be smug and polish their parenting halo. Other children are more challenging and require trying different strategies and more parental input. It is similar to parents whose babies sleep through the night from an early age put it down to their superior parenting and feel qualified to advise others.

I have 2 dcs and both require different approaches because they are different people with different personalities and needs. Should I just sit back anyway just because other parents happen to have children who are more biddable?

It's not straightforward. Glad to hear you're still talking. I feel like he's giving you permission to hold the boundaries he's kicking against in a weird way.

Too strict. Let him make his own mistakes. Remind him that it's his life he is affecting it he doesn't knuckle down and study. Taking video games away until April is too long.

I had another chat with him today about A-levels. I reminded him that he didn’t have to do them and could do something else instead if that wasn’t working out. He said he wanted to do
them and wanted to do well in them

It isn’t about not having to do them it is about the fact he isn’t doing them and if he really did want to do them you wouldn’t be talking to him. He would be following the lesson without you having to remove his phone. He wouldn’t be skipping lessons or missing homework

I would concentrate on looking at what he does want to do and working backwards rather than getting him through A levels and a degree and then he can make his choice. Some times if you don’t know what you are working for it is so much harder to concentrate rather than have a goal in sight and a route forward.

I think it's hard for anyone to think about the big picture at the moment though. A lot of us are holding it together by just getting through one day at a time and teens are no different.

At this age, how many people knew what they wanted to do or had a burning desire to reach a particular goal. Lots of teenagers are still undecided about their choice of course to study at university up to the deadline for choosing.

I can understand that OP only wants his ds to preserve as many of his choices at the crucial junctures. His ds already confirmed he wants to do A levels. Something about what another PP below said about pushing up against boundaries resonated.

In his heart, it could be that OP's ds knows what he has to do but just cannot bring himself to do it. He is probably addicted to PS4 even though it gives less and less satisfaction. In a weird way, he need to blame someone for having to working harder and playing less - parents are a convenient and necessary scapegoat.

I would concentrate on looking at what he does want to do and working backwards rather than getting him through A levels and a degree and then he can make his choice. Some times if you don’t know what you are working for it is so much harder to concentrate rather than have a goal in sight and a route forward.

That sounds sensible. However, teenagers are not known for rational thoughts and actions. It sounds good in theory but depends on individual levels of self-motivation, which is challenged in these times of remote learning.

The issue is that with GCSEs cancelled and the reliance on teacher grades, it is important to work consistently throughout the year and impress the teacher who will determine the grades at the end of it. Hence it is no point if ds is left to sink and has an epiphany at the final hurdle and goes for gold. His teacher would already have marked him down and the impression set.

Personally, I think GCSEs are hard (because the grade 9-1 version is so packed and intense and tests a range of subjects, including those the student has no interest or aptitude for, the A levels slightly easier in that it is fewer subjects that the student chose and has more of an interest/aptitude for. Then university is probably the most relaxed because the student chooses their course and has the option of going to an easier course and the university also sets their own exams and has an interest in passing the student. Once they graduate from university and start their job, they are home free because there are lots of people in jobs who are just coasting and don't know, don't care and frankly incompetent and still get promoted.

OP's ds just needs to get into university, essentially, is what I am saying.

OP's ds just needs to get into university, essentially, is what I am saying

But does he?
If you know what you want to do then there are ways to get into a career without university. Just because everyone tells you that you need a degree doesn’t necessarily mean you do
I have 2 children who do work that on paper state a degree is needed but there are other ways in and a lack of a degree hasnt stopped one of them rising up the ranks to management. If they had gone the university route they would still be there and not started work yet