Do you play with your kids?

[Peachyplumm]

I'm not pregnant but OH and I are trying to learn and research more about kids so we can properly decide if we are ready. We are in a long term relationship, financially stable, etc, and we feel we are emotionally ready but just wanted to learn more about day to day life with a young child (0-5 years).

Obviously babies have their own sets of challenges and obligations but generally they sleep. One of the things I hadn't thought too much about was what it is like when they become 2 and start being very curious about things and want to play.

What do stay-at-home-mums do with their toddlers all day? Do you play with your kids or just supervise them while doing something else? I'm not totally sure on the whole screen time thing yet, but if I were to minimize that then, again, I wonder how I would entertain my toddler?

I am also asking because while obviously I like the idea of interacting with my kids and having play 'times' with them, I am not sure if I could bare to do it all day or constantly. Is this an expectation? Are we obliged to do things like pretend play if we don't want to?

Obviously I understand that raising a kid is about thinking about what's best for them, but I just wanted to have a really honest look at it and to see if there's space for me to also just be me (as an adult who may not want to play very much).

Honest responses please? Thanks so much :)

I have twins so I was let off the hook when it came to having to play with them. I did play with them some of the time but they were mostly entertained with each other so I was left in peace

Depends on the child. My first DC would happily play on their own - in fact they preferred to be left to it - from a very early age. It meant I could potter about and keep an eye on them but I didn’t have to do much interacting with their game.

My second DC is always wanting to rope me into play and I find it quite stressful because we’re at the stage where the games are very repetitive and boring but also because I have a million things to do and tbh I don’t really have the time to sit and play farm animals for hours. (Although I do feel guilty about that, I just run out of patience for it after a while.)

I’ll play board games and stuff like that, which has a structure and an ending. But I try not to get caught in an endless imaginative play situation where I’m a talking dinosaur if I can help it.

I think children should be encouraged to entertain themselves. My parents certainly didn’t play with me that much or line up endless activities for us. We were expected to just find something to do. I have some good memories of my brother and I making up all sorts of mad games and being ‘explorers’ up at the end of the garden. I think a lot of kids are overstimulated these days and are always looking to move onto the next thing. It’s good to let them be bored.

Obviously babies have their own sets of challenges and obligations but generally they sleep.

Tell that to my 4 month old 🤣

“ Obviously babies have their own sets of challenges and obligations but generally they sleep.” This is a very naive statement - go and have a look at the sleep board.

To some extent it depends on the child. DD1 didn’t really play independently until 3 but DD2 can play independently for 5 to 10 mins at not quiet a year and a half.

Oh and in pre Covid times I used to go to all the playgroups and toddler gym type things. Where you can just let them loose in a safe place with lots of toys and other children to interact with. Very little input needed from me. And the good ones do tea and biscuits as well. Result.

Well id question the idea that babies sleep? My two both 'slept like a baby' by which I meant they didnt sleep. I would say for me the lack of sleep was way more of an issue than the play. You kind of have to play alot in different ways depending on age. My 5 year old has just got into harry potter so we are doing a lot of harry potter role play. They need a lot of play all the way through. But you kind of enjoy it as you see their incredible imagination & emotional intelligence develop and it feels like an important thing to do as you lead their play in teaching ways and thats good and you see how their mind is working which is amazing. Yes theres definitely a lot of play all the way. You can guide it abit into what interests you more, like you might be really fun playing at the park and on adventure quests than playing small world play etc. Im definitely glad of harry potter. definitely before 2 you are still playing alot but harry potter is way more fun than peekaboo if you see what I mean. You often need to make your normal jobs a game to get them done, like when they were a baby youd carry them round and bounce and sing while doing the washing, as they get older you want to play tidy up in 2 minutes kind of thing. I find we play a lot of I spy and Would you rather now on walks or in the car. Its just what interests them and its always nice when theres real keenness from them or you. Cebebbies is really great, its fab and educational. Having kids really is a complete change of lifestyle but it is amazing and worth it. We liked it when we could go to pubs with soft plays and now we can watch a movie like harry potter its a total upgrade. but its amazing and its such a short bit of time that they want to play, in a few years Im sure il be missing sitting playing with them as they go off with their friends!

Sorry OP, to be a bit more helpful - in my 4 months of experience so far, kids need a lot of input. You "play" with babies even if it's not like playing a game, but talk and sing to them, introduce new sounds and textures, show them new sights. It's full on. I can now leave my LO on his playmat for a bit and he'll happily immerse himself in something for a bit, but then needs my attention again. I couldn't be a SAHP, as much as I love my son I need more mental stimulation than teaching him will give me over the next few years.

You said OH not DH and i know it's not what you asked, but for the love of god please do not give up your job to be a SAHP unless you are married.

It's not really so much that you have to play with them, but even at an early age, lets say from before they can crawl you will have to introduce them to different toys and help them find what they want until they settle with that toy/game. Until they start being unsettled again 5 mins later and you have to do the same process (at least with my children). I find my 18 month old needs lots of holding throughout the day, likes to have lots of books read to her and will insist in helping with chores such as laundry etc which means they all take longer. I find it quite intense at the moment but as they get older it gets easier.

Agree with the posters above - precovid toddler groups were Amazing thats what you need or a friend with similar age child so you can oversea the play and have adult chat. Also that kids should definitely be left to make up their own games but when theyve been at school all day and need some mummy time you need to give them that and play. But you get a routine and they can know when you can play and when you cant. But little ones need play. Forest school groups are the absolute best! Art & crafts are also useful but messy. Also yes there really is little sleep so think about that before the play. Really most days all you can manage is to sit on the floor and play lego or stickers or something in the early days. If you can get to a toddler group first its a win all round as then it feels really beneficial all round!

I have a 16 month old and I still wonder this! And yes, babies do sleep. They sleep a lot. Not when or where you'd like them to sleep but there's a lot of sleep. I spent a lot of time in the first few months trapped under a sleeping baby watching Netflix or reading. I play with DS some of the time but he likes being independent and exploring so quite often he will, eg, sit in the kitchen rearranging all the Tupperware while I'm cooking. The main thing that we do together is read and sometimes dance/play musical instruments. I also send him to nursery so I'm not forced to entertain him all the time.

Never played with them. Did lots of other things, even crafts but not playing. I had 2 dc 2 years apart so they started playing with each other.

I think that if you want to be a SAHM then you do "sign up to" playing with your child when they want you to. Not always - it's also important for them to learn that sometimes you have to do other things - but several times a day. If you can't bear the idea of pretend play then you may not be cut out to be a SAHM. I don't mean that in a nasty way at all! Being a SAHM isn't for everyone and there's no shame in that.

Also I agree with pp - don't become a SAHM if you're not married. Either go back to work (and split childcare costs evenly) or get married.

People have already commented on your misguided point about babies sleep.. aside from that, yes, you need to play with your child, and not from two, from much earlier. For example, I have a one year old and we interacting most of the day, playing with his toys, or I make up games, or find activities to do. When we are not playing we are at the park, on walks etc. He can play by himself for maybe 5-10 min at a time but you couldn’t relax and watch tv/read a book or leave him to it for more than that. Even when he was younger he needed interacting with and playing with. And yes, it can be boring and repetitive. For me, I enjoy seeing him happy so on the whole I don’t mind.

I'm loving the idea that for the first two years of life babies sleep.

Today we did playdoh, stickers, drawing, hoovered downstairs (him with his toy Dyson) and I did the washing up. Then we played with paw patrol pups before 10.30am when I needed to get out the house so we went to Sainsburys.

That's a 2.5year old's morning.

@SRK16

People have already commented on your misguided point about babies sleep.. aside from that, yes, you need to play with your child, and not from two, from much earlier. For example, I have a one year old and we interacting most of the day, playing with his toys, or I make up games, or find activities to do. When we are not playing we are at the park, on walks etc. He can play by himself for maybe 5-10 min at a time but you couldn’t relax and watch tv/read a book or leave him to it for more than that. Even when he was younger he needed interacting with and playing with. And yes, it can be boring and repetitive. For me, I enjoy seeing him happy so on the whole I don’t mind.

Meh, I'm watching TV and having a glass of wine while 16 month old DS has been playing for half an hour. He actively doesn't want me involved!

I hate playing and am crap at it. I was good at taking them out lots and doing actual activities...baking, crafts, a puzzle but no I'm not pretending to be a unicorn. My dc would play and I'd be doing chores sitting on the sofa watching tv offering praise and the odd comment.

Well they are all different, but play is very important, and until they go to nursery or school you are the main source of play for them. I played with mine lots, but I can't say it stopped me from having 'space to be me'.

They learn speech from you interacting with them.smiling at tgem. Playing peekaboo. Etc.
So be prepared to get on the floor and roll a car around and sit and look at books.

Haha guys I appreciate that you wanted to give me some very honest feedback about the sleep comment - I wasn't actually meaning that they 'sleep', my point was in relation to play, that they do not have as much energy to 'play', that was all I meant. Sorry if that came across wrong. I wholeheartedly believe they are very draining in other ways (such as not sleeping)!

It was not my intention to give off the impression that I think babies sleep easily. Haha believe me I've been doing a lot of research and the lack of sleep is one I'm focusing a lot on! :) Thanks for the heads up anyway.

I feel I need to clear that up before I properly read some of your great comments here and I will reply again! :) Wow did not expect so much responses

I've read all the comments and I am really happy that there is so much variety to these responses. I guess no matter how many articles I read online or how many youtube videos I watch, it's different when you hear the real experiences from mums.

What I am hearing is: not all of you are involved in the play (particularly pretend play) and sometimes this is because you just don't really feel up to that, and sometimes it's a case of the child not inviting you and preferring to be independent. That's good to hear :) My question was definitely not because I hate play, but more was worried whether it was a definite expectation ALL of the time. I do particularly find it hard to do pretend play so I'm happy that some of you have positive experiences simply observing, being involved and interacting in other ways to give positive reinforcement. :) Wow they really are so unique the LO's!

What I am also hearing is: the lack of sleep before babies become 2 and have more freedom/energy is a problem before having to think of play. Some of you would like to play more but the lack of sleep makes it difficult. I am definitely focusing on this and already putting a lot of attention on this - and honestly it's scary. But I guess that's something we prospective mums have to weigh up and definitely prepare ourselves with as much knowledge as possible. :)

Also I'd like to address the SAHM thing. I wasn't very clear but I work from home already so it's not a 'give up the job' type situation. I work in the design and arts industry, so my work is remote basically all the time. That's why I'd be 'staying at home' and why my schedule is flexible (it's not a super demanding or strict role). But I think if someone were in a committed relationship and chose to do the SAHM thing without marriage, that is a personal choice and I don't always think marriage is reflective of that commitment. :) There are several reasons why people do not marry such as believing it is a social/religious construct, not wanting to spend money on it, etc etc I personally value it but my point was it doesn't reflect commitment necessarily :) (my brother is not married to his fiance, but they have my 6 year old nephew and a super happy stable life).

Thanks everyone! I really appreciated those responses :)

But I think if someone were in a committed relationship and chose to do the SAHM thing without marriage, that is a personal choice and I don't always think marriage is reflective of that commitment.

It's a personal choice, but it is a VERY risky one. Choosing to give up work without the security of marriage leaves you and your children in a very vulnerable situation. It's not the smart choice. Marriage isn't just about commitment, it is about legal and financial protection, and to think otherwise is woefully naive.

OP, the thing about being an unmarried SAHM is not about commitment but purely about finances. If you split up (which can happen whether you are married or not) and you have given up your career, then you are in a financially vulnerable position and have no claim on your partner's assets.

I understand that the above doesn't necessarily apply to you, but in the nicest possible way I think you may be underestimating caring for a child! However undemanding your job is, it's not possible to work full time and look after a child in a long term way.

Cross post with Ohalrightthen.