Do you play with your kids?

[Peachyplumm]

I'm not pregnant but OH and I are trying to learn and research more about kids so we can properly decide if we are ready. We are in a long term relationship, financially stable, etc, and we feel we are emotionally ready but just wanted to learn more about day to day life with a young child (0-5 years).

Obviously babies have their own sets of challenges and obligations but generally they sleep. One of the things I hadn't thought too much about was what it is like when they become 2 and start being very curious about things and want to play.

What do stay-at-home-mums do with their toddlers all day? Do you play with your kids or just supervise them while doing something else? I'm not totally sure on the whole screen time thing yet, but if I were to minimize that then, again, I wonder how I would entertain my toddler?

I am also asking because while obviously I like the idea of interacting with my kids and having play 'times' with them, I am not sure if I could bare to do it all day or constantly. Is this an expectation? Are we obliged to do things like pretend play if we don't want to?

Obviously I understand that raising a kid is about thinking about what's best for them, but I just wanted to have a really honest look at it and to see if there's space for me to also just be me (as an adult who may not want to play very much).

Honest responses please? Thanks so much :)

You have to interact with them quite a lot. When you say “pretend play” do you mean tea parties, playing doctor, pretending to be on safari? (Or more realistically reenacting some sort of paw patrol / PJ masks scenario).

Not being married leaves women, especially women who work PT or are SAHM, incredibly vulnerable. It's a legal contract, nothing else. The wedding is nice but the absolute least important part. Please urge your brother to at least consider a civil partnership to protect his dp and child. I go cold in retrospect about how naive I was in this regard pre DC.

I never played with the DC. We chatted, did crafts, drew, read books.

Ds is 2.5 and on my days off with him we tend to be out and about:he never stops talking so its very interaction heavy when we are out.

So our routine goes something like:

Ds wakes up, if before 7.30 he asks me to put on some music on alexa and he potters about his room/dances/plays
Breakfast, he will help me make it.
After breakfast I have a cup of tea and we watch cbeebies for a bit
Morning - we go for a long walk, meet a friend with their children so the kids can run about, playground etc (non covid times farms and soft paly) Or go food shopping etc
Lunch out (picnic) or back for lunch
Pm - depending on how long we were out in the morning we might go somewhere else, otherwise we might do some baking or drawing or something
Dinner
Bath time or family chill time with a film
Then we have a "party" (in his room, lights out music on all dance like mad things)
Then story and bed.

In terms of playing hes pretty good but has recently told me to stop looking at my phone if he wants attention

When he was a baby we went to a group or class every day to keep us busy and that was enough.

Working from home with a tiny human is also incredibly difficult even if you are flexible. Covid has left us in the position of us both attempting to work from home a couple of times while pregnant with a 3year old and it is a challenge! I would still definitely consider some formal childcare so you have some structure to work with. It’s amazing how the day can just pass you by and then You find yourself up until the early hours finish a report while you should be sleeping to then be woken a couple of hours later for the little darlings to start the day!
Also as PP have said regarding SAHP and marriage it’s def about the financial protection after all it’s a contract. Me and DP are not married but have paperwork (deed of trust, wills, life/critical illness/income protection insurance, independent pensions etc) should anything happen. An unmarried SAHP could find them self with sweet FA if separated with dimished earning potential and a gap in their pension-unfortunately it happens more that you would like.

Play done in a typical day with my four year old:

Submarines role play
Super heroes role play
Throwing/kicking a ball about together
Building blocks/Duplo/Lego
Den building
Racing cars

(This hasn’t changed much since he was two. He wants me to join in with all of these)

Play in a typical day with my eleven month old baby:

Following her as she practises stair climbing
Knocking down tower blocks together
Reading books
Hugging cuddly toys
She sleeps about 30-40 mins a day total by the way. Some days there is no daytime nap at all. Her big bro was similar and dropped naps completely by 18 months.

@Itsalwayssunnyupnorth pregnant with a 3 year old 😱 are you ok, that sounds uncomfortable 😂

Obviously babies have their own sets of challenges and obligations but generally they sleep

Ha, said with all the blissful naivety of a non-parent Don't make the mistake of assuming you'll get a sleeper; took my DS 14 months to get that memo and he still isn't great now.

Play-wise he seems to get most of his desire for play and interaction out of his system at nursery and doesn't really entertain the idea of playing with us at home. He loves us to read to him though, so we spend most evenings reading his 3 or so favourite books on repeat until he eventually goes to bed. Being a parent is great.

Not being married leaves women, especially women who work PT or are SAHM, incredibly vulnerable. It's a legal contract, nothing else. The wedding is nice but the absolute least important part.

This... and realise that you could have a good sleeper who lets you work... or a child who will do neither (and there isn't much you can do about it).

I've had dgs here today whilst dd worked, he's eighteen months. He came at 9.30am with a bagful of books and a box of toys. For the first hour I read twenty three books to him, pointing out things of interest, questioning animal sounds and body parts, singing and actions when required. Half ten is drink and snack time. Then we played with puzzles, bricks, stacking cups, shape sorter, his track and trains, spinning my coasters, and more books.
He likes repetition so there is lots building and knocking down, sorting puzzles and doing them again. Midday is lunchtime and then naptime after bum change and the sleepy time song. Up at 2pm another drink and snack, we would normally go for a walk then but today we got out paints so that he could mark make and i will cut out trees to make Christmas cards. Some playing with water and bubbles to get cleaned up and then songs and action rhymes and then Mama picks him up.
I didn't play as much with my own because there were multiple and they could entertain themselves but dgs is an only and I like to make the most of having him here.

Nah I'll play the odd bit of cafes where my kids will 'take my order', I like setting up a good train track, or the odd bit of car racing and I'll read book after book and play a board game or do a puzzle but I'm of the view that I'm mum not an entertainer. I provide the resources but the kids do the playing. To be fair pre covid we would do a lot of outings out too.

My friend will play with her children for hours, like doing the voices and that..she says she hates it but hers will kick off if she doesn't, I guess its what they learn to expect.

I had mine two years apart and often think what a good idea this was and congratulate myself that I don't have to play, they love to play together and enjoy the same type of thing, (one girl one boy).

Try not to overthink/overplan - you will get an idea of how your life will look when DC come along and then they will come along and have a completely different idea :o You will go with the flow and learn as you go.

That said, it's really just about balance. I really like Janet Lansbury's stuff (she has a great website and podcast) and her philosophy about giving children, even from newborn, some time without you in their face trying to entertain them all the time. It's win win because it gives them space to explore, which is what young children are absolutely built to do, and it means you don't exhaust yourself constantly trying to think up activities, or stuck in a scenario where you feel it's entertain them or screen time, and no in between.

But also, it is nice to play/do activities with DC sometimes! It just gets a bit much if you are expecting to spend every waking moment on the floor with them. You'll get burnt out that way.

With DS2 age 2, I do spend some time reading together/drawing/exploring toys/playing/helping him set things up, but I also spend time watching him explore (as I find this much more interesting) and plenty of time just doing my own thing, whether that's boring/housework type stuff or something fun/relaxing, and keeping half an eye/ear out to make sure he's not doing anything dangerous.

Whether you can work with them around - it really depends. If your job genuinely is flexible, not the same workload as a FT job, and you can do it in the evenings or at weekends if you run out of time during the day then that can work. If you are trying to work the equivalent of a FT role at home with DC around, it won't. You will need childcare.

I'm not an entertainer-mum and I don't "play" in terms of role play or imaginary play with dollies, but you do have to interact with them a lot of the time!

Mine were fairly chilled babies so the first 2-3 months was mostly just holding and feeding them.
Then you're doing a lot of chatting, singing, reading books, giving them toys - even while also doing other things.
Toddler onwards it's more setting up things like playdough or paint and trying to contain/prevent chaos.

I think you're over-thinking / over-planning. Your child will surprise you most likely and no amount of research can really prepare you for what having a child is like. My toddlers favourite thing is dustbins so taking the bins out and seeing the dustbin men is his absolute favourite thing ever. We have to have endless conversations about bins! Did I have any clue that this would be the way of things before I got pregnant? No way! You just go with things. No point stressing over if you'll like pretend play or not imo.

I think there's a lot to be said for acknowledging the kind of person you are and playing to your strengths - I'm more than happy to read books over and over again with silly voices and lots of silly actions. DH is much less so. Therefore I tend to do more reading with DS. DH tends to do other stuff which I have less interest in - normally rolling cars backwards and forwards.

I don't play with my dc. I had 2 fairly close together and they play with and entertain each other whilst I supervise and get on with other things. Of course I chat to them, read with them, teach them where needed, help with art projects etc etc but I hate playing, especially let's pretend games. I don't plan or prepare activities for them to do either btw; instead I let them get bored and find their own fun.

Not a stay at home mum but work part time 3 days a week. DS is 2.
Before covid we would fill our days with toddler groups and cafes/ shops, some independent play and sometimes we play together, jigsaws and make believe etc.
Now it's pretty much the same but he definitely watches more cartoons now than before, and we go on lots of walks/ to the park a lot.

Ahhh I see, I totally understand now. Thanks for the clarity :)

I work from home whilst looking after mine. Although ds who is 3 goes to preschool 3 days a week. Those are the days I get things done.
We play with cars trains farm read books bake. He helps load the washer and peg out so it takes 3 times as long as it should. Every so often I give him the iPad for 20 mins for some peace or a sticker book. He’ll do some cutting and glueing or the odd worksheet. He prefers the maths ones but will do a pencil control one. We do counting, letter sounds. Go over shape and colours that he already knows. He isn’t capable of always finding something to do so options have to be offered.
Walk out, go to park, spend hours in the garden in the sand pit or kicking a ball. Sometimes he’ll help me with a simple work task.
Bless him he was a none sleeper and still doesn’t sleep much.
The other one is 4 months old. Likes being smiled at and tickled. Enjoys stories with pictures of babies in and likes looking at Christmas lights and mirrors. She’s starting to move and suffers from wind. Sleeps better than ds but does need quite a bit on input now.
The thing is you don’t know what type of child you’ll get so planning is a bit tricky

It's all well and good having a personal choice in marriage etc but when he's shagging his secretary and taking you to the cleaners after you've been a SAHM for 20 years, unmarried, it's a different story.

@meow1989

Ds is 2.5 and on my days off with him we tend to be out and about:he never stops talking so its very interaction heavy when we are out.

So our routine goes something like:

Ds wakes up, if before 7.30 he asks me to put on some music on alexa and he potters about his room/dances/plays
Breakfast, he will help me make it.
After breakfast I have a cup of tea and we watch cbeebies for a bit
Morning - we go for a long walk, meet a friend with their children so the kids can run about, playground etc (non covid times farms and soft paly) Or go food shopping etc
Lunch out (picnic) or back for lunch
Pm - depending on how long we were out in the morning we might go somewhere else, otherwise we might do some baking or drawing or something
Dinner
Bath time or family chill time with a film
Then we have a "party" (in his room, lights out music on all dance like mad things)
Then story and bed.

In terms of playing hes pretty good but has recently told me to stop looking at my phone if he wants attention

When he was a baby we went to a group or class every day to keep us busy and that was enough.

This is so great! Thank you so much for giving me a sneak peak into what the day is like. And thanks to the other poster too (I don't know how to reply to multiple quotes just yet! I've only just signed up to the site :) )

@Mayhemmumma

Nah I'll play the odd bit of cafes where my kids will 'take my order', I like setting up a good train track, or the odd bit of car racing and I'll read book after book and play a board game or do a puzzle but I'm of the view that I'm mum not an entertainer. I provide the resources but the kids do the playing. To be fair pre covid we would do a lot of outings out too.

My friend will play with her children for hours, like doing the voices and that..she says she hates it but hers will kick off if she doesn't, I guess its what they learn to expect.

I had mine two years apart and often think what a good idea this was and congratulate myself that I don't have to play, they love to play together and enjoy the same type of thing, (one girl one boy).

Thank you for this. I am glad that there are examples of mum's who don't really like to play pretend a lot. I also appreciate the many other comments that were similar and were expressing the same views of 'I'm mum not entertainer'. Or the idea that it's okay for your kid to sometimes be bored and find their own fun/build independence.

I think I like this style of parenting and would like to encourage that. I don't remember my parents necessarily playing with me but they were always very encouraging and would pay attention sometimes. They always interacted in terms of talking and imagining and day dreaming type of way.

Some other people have also emphasised that you don't necessarily need to play, such as with dolls or pretend, but a lot of interaction is still a part of it. Of course I love this - being curious about my kid and talking to them and spending time with them, and generally doing activities with them and involving them in my life/tasks is something I look forward to. It was just the dollies/cars type thing. While I can play a bit of it and understand that it makes them feel good, I don't feel I could honestly do it for hours and hours, so that was my fear.

Other interactions which include involving and making them a part of my life and also being in their world is really fun and fascinating to me. :) Reading books is something that would really appeal to my for example!

I didn't want to come across as like I hate fun haha. It was more I was wondering how constant does it have to be and is it really an expectation. From your answers clearly it is not a solid expectation, and that some of you do prefer to raise your kids more independently and this is great. :)

Thanks guys!

About the legal stuff for the SAHM type thing, thanks for the clarity! I understand now and definitely take this on board. :)

Choosing to give up work without the security of marriage leaves you and your children in a very vulnerable situation. It's not the smart choice. Marriage isn't just about commitment, it is about legal and financial protection, and to think otherwise is woefully naive.

I just want to repeat this, in bold.

On the play issue - I’m not a 24/7 children’s entertainer. Dd (3) has two days of childcare a week. When we’re together we read (I’d do it for hours), watch tv, learn (she’s always learning, but I mean things like practicing letters), bake, play playdoh, go to the park for a scoot and a play, do puzzles, do board games. By that point it’s about 9.15am .

I don’t enjoy imaginative play, and I’ll often (at home or in the park) say that mum wants some quiet time now, go play. In normal times I tend to do lots of activities (swimming, rhyme time) to structure our days.

@firstimemamma

I think you're over-thinking / over-planning. Your child will surprise you most likely and no amount of research can really prepare you for what having a child is like. My toddlers favourite thing is dustbins so taking the bins out and seeing the dustbin men is his absolute favourite thing ever. We have to have endless conversations about bins! Did I have any clue that this would be the way of things before I got pregnant? No way! You just go with things. No point stressing over if you'll like pretend play or not imo.

Hahahaha thank you for this. This comment made me truly laugh and I totally understand your point. Thanks also to the other poster who said I may be over-planning etc.

This is a great reminder that no matter what I do, the LO will always be a surprise. I find this really exciting and encouraging though! It means I don't have to try and get everything so perfect. I probably struggle with that a bit haha

I wouldn't ttc yet, Op. You don't sound ready to be a parent. It seems
like you just expect a child to slot neatly into your life even scheduling in "play times". I'm always amazed at parents who call interacting with their children boring and repetitive. Surely playing with your child is one of the joys of parenting? It was for me. I played with my dc a lot when he was younger and I even happily engaged in imaginative play. That age where they are playing with you (and growing and developing - when play and interaction is vital) doesn't last for ever so I embraced it.

@EssentialHummus

Choosing to give up work without the security of marriage leaves you and your children in a very vulnerable situation. It's not the smart choice. Marriage isn't just about commitment, it is about legal and financial protection, and to think otherwise is woefully naive.

I just want to repeat this, in bold.

On the play issue - I’m not a 24/7 children’s entertainer. Dd (3) has two days of childcare a week. When we’re together we read (I’d do it for hours), watch tv, learn (she’s always learning, but I mean things like practicing letters), bake, play playdoh, go to the park for a scoot and a play, do puzzles, do board games. By that point it’s about 9.15am .

I don’t enjoy imaginative play, and I’ll often (at home or in the park) say that mum wants some quiet time now, go play. In normal times I tend to do lots of activities (swimming, rhyme time) to structure our days.

Yep I totally understand the legal side of it now, I didn't think of that before. I'm pretty new to this which is why I signed up to the site to hopefully be more prepared so I'm glad people are pointing out things like this!

I will take this on board and of course take financial protection seriously. :)