Do you play with your kids?

[Peachyplumm]

I'm not pregnant but OH and I are trying to learn and research more about kids so we can properly decide if we are ready. We are in a long term relationship, financially stable, etc, and we feel we are emotionally ready but just wanted to learn more about day to day life with a young child (0-5 years).

Obviously babies have their own sets of challenges and obligations but generally they sleep. One of the things I hadn't thought too much about was what it is like when they become 2 and start being very curious about things and want to play.

What do stay-at-home-mums do with their toddlers all day? Do you play with your kids or just supervise them while doing something else? I'm not totally sure on the whole screen time thing yet, but if I were to minimize that then, again, I wonder how I would entertain my toddler?

I am also asking because while obviously I like the idea of interacting with my kids and having play 'times' with them, I am not sure if I could bare to do it all day or constantly. Is this an expectation? Are we obliged to do things like pretend play if we don't want to?

Obviously I understand that raising a kid is about thinking about what's best for them, but I just wanted to have a really honest look at it and to see if there's space for me to also just be me (as an adult who may not want to play very much).

Honest responses please? Thanks so much :)

We have to have endless conversations about bins! Did I have any clue that this would be the way of things before I got pregnant?

I went into parenting expecting to have to feign an interest in dinosaurs or Peppa. You know what DD likes? Plants. Fucking plants. I spend most of my free time trying to identify foliage using apps.

@Bbq1

I wouldn't ttc yet, Op. You don't sound ready to be a parent. It seems like you just expect a child to slot neatly into your life even scheduling in "play times". I'm always amazed at parents who call interacting with their children boring and repetitive. Surely playing with your child is one of the joys of parenting? It was for me. I played with my dc a lot when he was younger and I even happily engaged in imaginative play. That age where they are playing with you (and growing and developing - when play and interaction is vital) doesn't last for ever so I embraced it.

I think this comment is a little bit insensitive. I understand you have had your own experiences and that may be influencing how you're responding to my thread but I think it's not really a fair assessment with what little information you have about me.

Please do not project those types of assumptions onto me without taking the time to read my responses (none of which ever claimed that I found it boring or repetitive).

If playing for you was one of the joys of parenting, I am super happy about that. Playing wasn't my parents thing and that has absolutely not impacted the love they gave me or how happy I felt, so perhaps we can't put every parents value into how joyful they are about 'playing'. I may be naive but parenting could maybe mean a lot more than that? I know that there are many different types of personalities in the world and they are not all suuuuper lovers of playtime and yet they have also been responsible, loving, caring, affectionate, supportive, encouraging, and able to provide some wonderful platforms for their kids to play in other ways.

'It seems like you just expect a child to slot neatly into your life even scheduling in 'play times''. It sounds to me like there is some bitterness there. I claimed no such thing. In fact, I made it a point every time to emphasise that it is not that I don't like to play, it is particularly that I am worried about how constant it has to be. Even for people who love play, if you can do it 24/7 you must be superwoman.

@EssentialHummus

We have to have endless conversations about bins! Did I have any clue that this would be the way of things before I got pregnant?

I went into parenting expecting to have to feign an interest in dinosaurs or Peppa. You know what DD likes? Plants. Fucking plants. I spend most of my free time trying to identify foliage using apps.

This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read hahaha. Just imagining a cute toddler being fascinated about plants. A cute little botanist!

I have found my key to happiness as a sahm is to surround myself and my child with activities and toys that I enjoy too. I love baking, play dough, stickers, tea parties, colouring, trains, farms and moochy walks. My ds does too! I love this life, I worked full time with ds1 and hated it!

I’m genuinely surprised by some of the responses. I’m new to the site as I mentioned several times and some people are so quick to jump to conclusions because of the way I worded some comments.

But generally I expected everyone to be a lot more supportive and open? Some comments are downright judgemental or insulting. Is this what a parenting community is supposed to be?

Wow.

Sorry to the people who actually answered my question, with some compassion too.. obviously it’s not everyone but I didn’t expect this many people to have such strong opinions on my personal life and whether I’m ready or not, naive or not, selfish or not, and now, an ‘ai bot’? Wtf.

I will no longer be responding to this thread. Thanks to everyone who did answer my question and with some hint of respect too. To the others, I’m sorry about your bitterness, but as a newcomer you may have actually put me off this website.

On the days I’m at home with DS I generally interact with him in 20 minute bursts, so toys, rough and tumble, books, etc and quite a big chunk of the day is spent outside, or having breakfast / lunch etc.
When he’s playing on his own I’ll wander off to do jobs etc.
He has a lunchtime nap so I get plenty of time to recharge. And after his nap he has his snack and we cuddle and watch 30 mins of cartoons.
So the day generally has a bit of routine and is broken up and I really enjoy it. I’m ready for his dad to get home from work and take over on some days though!
DS is 20 months.
I’m not keen on the pretend play phase arriving and him dropping his nap but we’ll see!!

@Peachyplumm thanks for the reply, best of luck!

@Ohalrightthen

You said OH not DH and i know it's not what you asked, but for the love of god please do not give up your job to be a SAHP unless you are married.

Just out of interest, why do you say this?

I work FT and went back once statutory mat leave (and 1 month unpaid mat leave) were up when DD was small. So she was in creche from 5 months old.

We still did a lot outside of work time.

Sang a lot of songs in the car on the commute home (her creche was near work rather than home so she commuted with DH and I daily).

Played with shape sorters, blocks, trucks and cars, dolls and teddies.

Read lots of stories - both during the day and at bedtime (bedtime stories moved on to chapter books, so we didn't finish up until she was into double digits age).

Did a lot of messy crafts - painting, colouring in, cutting and sticking, play doh, etc.

She was baking with me from under a year old - started with shaking the sieve and gently stirring flour and cocoa together before I added to the main bowl, moved on to mixing the eggs, then carefully spooning the flour into the mix and being able to roll out dough - and before she hit double digits, was doing it entirely herself and choosing her own recipes from the cookbook shelf.

And we also started early with cooking and other household chores - once she could explore the drawers, she could get out a pot or a bowl to use. Started with a blunt knife to learn to cut, but under careful supervision learned to use a sharp knife about age 3. She had a small sized brush and was able to help sweep or be given a cloth to "clean the windows" (before I did them properly). Fluff up the pillows while I made the bed. That sort of thing.

Walks in woods, picking up leaves, looking for bugs. Going to the beach and exploring rock pools. Jumping in muddy puddles on rainy days. (Coming home for hot baths after winter explorations!!). Set up the basin with bath toys or some cups/jugs and water in the garden in summer for water play. Kick a ball around on the grass. Go to playgrounds. Go to softplay.

Yes, we had some screentime as well. And occasional nap times.

But at the same time, I got to maintain my sanity and my independence through keeping my job.

We play a lot. But included in that is me giving nearly three year old paints to just do it, or I’ll join in.

Or say why don’t you play with your dolls house (mostly messing up variety still)

Or play with siblings

A lot of park time, every day and read a lot of books as a filler

Plus nursery a couple of days which she loves

Basically doing, playing, reading, helping it’s pretty constant - although by this age dd can play and imagine stuff by herself

Mines really good at playing on his own he’s 18 months he doesn’t really like you trying to join in, much rather wheel cars around. He watches tv throughout the day - an hour then a break probably 2/3 hours a day spaced out , an I’m not beating myself up about that anymore as his speech and interaction are fine. We do reading and occasionally colouring. I go on my phone while he plays sometimes too or I can get on with cleaning or cooking. I wouldn’t be able to stay in for days doing this as it can get boring. Do whatever you want to do and don’t feel bad about screen time before two unless there sitting in front of it all day an your not interacting with them or talking- I don’t think it’s that bad.

@Bbq1
Perfect parent alert 😴

Also I’m not married either and a sahm.
What old fashioned views some people have.

@hf2345

Also I’m not married either and a sahm. What old fashioned views some people have.

I don't think it's the moral value people care about, it's whether or not you will get financially shafted if you break up?

Stop overthinking it.

You're not going to do well if you have a set "this is how it's going to be" because chances are...it's not!

I don’t really do playing - partly my nature, partly as my DC were not good sleepers and I was too tired.

This is one of the reasons I chose to work while my DC were little. We had an excellent nanny who was far better at playing than me, not least as she’d had a full night’s sleep. They also went to nursery school when old enough so did lots of playing there. Meanwhile I focused on things I was more interested in, like reading to them, chatting with them, singing to them, cuddling them of course but not so much playing.

We also chose to have two DC quite close together so they could play together, and thankfully they do, a lot. You can’t guarantee this though.

OP I would be wary of doing too much “research”. The only guaranteed thing with a baby/child is that they are all different from each other. There is a huge huge range of baby and toddler experiences out there, from the chilled out babies who eat and sleep well and will happily entertain themselves for hours (if there is any justice they turn into nightmare teenagers ) to the super demanding high needs baby who will not sleep despite all the routines in the world and who requires constant interaction and entertainment as a toddler. You cannot tell or control which version you will get.

In general I’d say don’t expect a chilled out baby and child unless you or your DH are relaxed easy going people ... and judging by your detailed research approach I would say that’s probably not the case... DH and I are also research/control types and our DC are very much not the chilled out sort.

If you decide to have a baby, you have to be willing to deal with whatever version you get.

I agree with Horehound who said what I was trying to say but way more succinctly!!

I completely understand your urge to research and plan - this is what I'm like, too! - but I don't think you can easily gauge it before you have a child, both because (as many have said) all children are different, but also because how you feel is so different. This sounds a bit mad because DS was desperately wanted and I knew I'd love a baby, but I really didn't realise that I'd actively enjoy the company of a toddler, but I do - not all the time, but far more than I had realised. I can interact with him and find him fascinating, but the truth is that I would get very bored with anyone else's child of the same age (he's 2.5) very quickly.

@harri87 i say that because giving up work without the protection of marriage leaves you completely financially dependent on someone who could fuck off and leave you absolutely screwed at any moment.

Two identical couples - both have kids, both joint own the house, in both cases the woman gives up work to raise the kids and the husband keeps working. Both couples split up.

Couple A is married. When the divorce settlement is final, the wife gets 65% of the equity of the home, and a good chunk of her husband's pension and savings. She struggles to get a job because she's been out of work for so long, but the higher chunk of equity plus savings mean that she's able to retrain and get back to work within a year or so.

Couple B is not married. The woman gets 50% of the house and nothing else. She struggles to get a job because she's been out of work for such a long time, she isn't able to get a mortgage because she isn't working, and so her chunk of the equity is quickly eaten up by rent. She struggles massively for the next 10 years while her ex sits very comfortably with the savings and pension he built up while she wasn't working.

Marriage isn't about a big white dress and saying I Do. It isn't about commitment or a declaration of forever. It is about legal and financial protection, and you'd be a fool to give up your financial independence without it.