Is it a big lie that the newborn stage is hardest??

[SofaSurfette]

I'm sure people only say this to make new mums feel better. I have also heard that "it doesn't get easier, just different". But at 6 months I'm sure it's about 3x more work! Admittedly, I was expecting the first few weeks of motherhood to be a lot harder -
I naively wondered what all the fuss was about. Yeah the sleep deprivation was a challenge, but I seemed to have so much time. I wondered what people were on about when they spoke of cold tea and not getting 5 minutes for a shower. Not anymore.

How do people even go out in the first couple of months of weaning? When there are still all the usual milk feeds in addition to very messy mealtimes? That's about 8 feedings in 12 hours! I feel like my whole day is spent feeding and cleaning up. And everything takes several times longer than it used to because fussiness is increasing and nap times are reducing -if happening at all- ... Honestly the sleepless nights were a doddle compared to this. What am I doing so wrong?! More importantly, when does it actually get easier

Actually I still enjoyed all the bits with my dcs @Hardbackwriter, high and lows!
I simply said the 0-1 was really wonderful and then the other years were more challenging due to sleep deprivation and having very , very busy kids who bolted , climbed everywhere etc, great but yanno stressful at times...
There’s nothing wrong with saying this like there’s nothing wrong with saying you found the newborn stage difficult. How sad as it’s one of the key stages with bonding , breastfeeding , 4th trimester , co sleeping etc wasn’t enjoyable for you . BTW I don’t think this ,my last comment is directly related to your one re “only enjoying” the newborn bit (how “sad”) which no one had actually said. My gorgeous kids are still young 3under 8 but fantastic ages and hugely enjoyable. I loved them regardless but found some stages much harder than others and the fact is the newborn phase is always sold as being so incredibly tough etc ...

The newborn phase varies hugely. Some babies pretty much just sleep and feed and you can cuddle up on the sofa with them for hours. Others seem to spend weeks on end crying and will not sleep unless you actively bounce them, walk for miles or drive them round in the car. I have had one of each and the difference in how easy it was to look after them was huge.

In my experience 4 to 6 months is a nightmare sleepwise for the vast majority of babies but those that cried a lot initially tend to improve unless they have reflux.

At 6 months the sleep gets a lot better but then you have to deal with weaning but the hassle of this is much reduced if a) you managed to breastfeed and don't have to bother with bottles and b) you just give them a bit of what you are eating and don't make special food and reduce the number of messy purees.

All is then easy until they start to get more mobile. 6 to 9 months tends to be the sweet spot when sleep is good and they will sit and play in one spot whilst you can get on with other things. It all goes to pot again at around 10 months when they discover climbing up stairs, opening cupboards and have another sleep regression.

In my experience, it’s not about phases of ages it’s about how many children you have. One is fine; it gets exponentially harder the more children you have.

Despite horrific colic and all sorts of other issues (incl meningitis) I've had a few kids and can say the EASIEST by far is the newborn stage. Really.

Age 3 gave me a right kick up the ass

I found about 18 months - three years the hardest part.. when they are on the move and in everything, but no sense of fear and you can’t reason with them. And potty training! I think it gets easier after that point, and I say that with two teenage boys in the house. They are independent, interesting company, and they sleeeep!

I think the key thing is that no one should be saying that any stage 'is the easy bit', that it will get harder/easier because none of that will be universally true and you run the risk of making people feel crap if it doesn't match their experience. If people think the newborn bit was the easiest for them then of course they can say so, but that isn't the same as saying it objectively is easiest. In the same way as I shouldn't say that toddlers are more fun and interesting and a better stage than babies because while I think it's true plenty of people don't and they shouldn't feel bad or like there's something wrong for that.

So yes, @Thefab3, you're quite right that what I said about people who only like the newborn stage was snide and unfair; I was trying to comfort a new mother having a bad time but actually it was mean-spirited and I'm sorry. As I said, I felt (and still do, a little) so guilty about not enjoying the newborn phase when everyone told me it should be so lovely and important, and I had so many worries that I wasn't bonding properly (luckily that was not the case; I have a wonderful bond with DS) and I'm sorry for projecting that outwards as I did.

Age 3 gave me a right kick up the ass

THIS!! Age 3 is the devil!! 🤣🤣

Alonelonelyloner all you can say is it was easiest for you. It's not an objective truth, just your personal, subjective opinion based on just your experience.

It's not only babies who are all different but parents.

Some parents are suited to looking after babies and respond instinctively and adore devoting themselves to someone completely reliant on them - or indeed some people aren't remotely suited to caring for newborns but still find it easier because they think it's fine just to ensure the baby is clean and fed, and beyond that ignore crying. They can enforce their will with controlled crying and eating schedules.

Both those types of parents can then often find even the easiest older children and teens desperately hard because a whole different skill set and to some degree personality is required.

@Hardbackwriter no worries at all. We are all like this , I felt really bad that I wasn’t loving the toddler bit and not always enjoying the stopping every five seconds looking at something when sometimes I fancied a brisk walk or some headspace with a baby in a buggy etc.
But tbh my experiences were clouded by two ( one got better and better sleep wise) of mine waking to more and more as they got older and everyone expects it to be the opposite as I guess that’s more usual.. I was very low at the ages 2+, like pnd but in a sortof bliss for the first year. So it’s just totally individual.

It depends on the child and the parent. For me, infants and toddlers was the most stressful, I'll take my teens any day. We can have an actual conversation and they can do the laundry and dishes.

At 6 months, I'd just do something small alongside our food. It's just trying things out at that age and, as they're going to make a mess anyways, I only did things for them that could be finger foods even if not usually like pasta or chopped up cooked veg in a bit of sauce so I didn't have to try using or fighting with them about utensils.

I found the newborn stage easier but quite boring. I love it once they start moving, copying, taking a real outward interest on what you are doing and all the things around them I’m finding it much more rewarding. But with an almost 3 year old who is questioning everything, appears they don’t listen I am not sure how it’s all going to pan out on that front 🤣. At least my 1 year old is a bit more agreeable.

All lies. Newborn stage is the easiest. It's down hill all the way after that.

I find it easier the older they get, as they become more physically independent. If you are talking about emotional difficulties that does become more difficult at older ages

My DS is 4.5 and a doddle and has been since about 18mo. He was a nightmare baby with colic and reflux. He didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time unless on my chest. He still doesn't sleep very well but in every other respect I find parenting now very easy. I am aware things could change again but for now the newborn stage was definitely the hardest.

Ha, ha, people are all different, children are all different. I possibly found the 6 months stage the easiest of the lot.

First months were, I think, the hardest because my firstborn was failure to thrive and just getting her to eat at all was a nightmare.

With the weaning, I didn't cook extra meals most of the time: I just mashed a potato or some veg that we were having anyway. We had those brilliant plastic bibs that catch the food as it falls. Don't particularly remember the mess at this age, though I'm sure I was nowhere near as skilled as my brother who managed to feed dd boeuf bourgignon at her christening without getting any of it on her frilly white dress. Those were heights to which I could not aspire.

Terrible twos I was kind of prepared for, like you take a deep breath before climbing a mountain.

Whining threenagers I found harder - my patience with whining is very limited- but thankfully they were also very entertaining in between, so I gritted my teeth and got through.

Preteens, yes our youngest was very glum, but we kind of got into the habit of ignoring him.

Teenagers- both of ours were actually very reasonable, pleasant people, but our eldest had both physical and mental health problems which took a toll on the whole family. If I could have had them without that horrible fear hanging over the family that might have been our happiest times.

It's all individual.

I hated the newborn months. DS was a scream, non-sleeping reflux baby who wouldn't tolerate ever being put down and it was miserable. He's now almost 2 and I love this age so much. He's turned into the best little person!

@20viona didnt say that though did you? You said you tell friends that its dreamy up until 4 months. Nowhere in your post did you say anything about it being a conversation between best friends who are having a lovely time.

I absolutely do not need to 'get a grip' of what im saying. It was my experience. People here have agreed with me.

Yup OP, it's all a lie we tell so that new parents don't hand them back and run away to Aberystwyth hills to hide whilst drinking hot cups of tea and consuming food that's still warm and not been spat out.

But it's a secret, so don't tell.

We will see you the other side Captain Sofasurfette ...

I came on to say teens are the worst. They don't need feeding in the same way (!), but they are a nightmare at times. From about 13 - 16.

vinoelle I felt exactly like you. It gets a little bit better every week. IME nothing since has been anywhere near as bad as the first few weeks with refluxy babies. Neither of mine slept more than an hour and a half at a time at that stage and the sleep deprivation was tortuous and they both took at least 45 minutes per feed. It won't last forever though - at 8 weeks my DC1 suddenly switched from not sleeping at all to sleeping through the night! No such luck with DC2 but I gave in after two weeks and co-slept as I couldn't cope with no sleep at all, a baby and a toddler, and that helped me a lot.

It feels like it lasts forever at the time but it does pass quickly.

Newborns are most physically demanding. Age 4-6 are most emotionally demanding. Teens are most expensive!

I agree!
I have a 7 month old who has been crawling at just before 6 months. Nothing is safe and I feed all I do is feed her to the point I'm like does she really need all this food. But she keep taking it.
In the last week she has stopped sleeping at night so I'm like a dear in headlights most day. Running on about 3 hours sleep chasing my baby round the house moving things she should be playing with.
But then she smiles and makes it all better even if only for a few seconds and then wants to play with some thing she shouldn't be

So easy but I was to sleep deprived to notice

Yes sorry in my opinion it is. Toddlers are the worst. They are relentless and they don't give a shit about anything. Cute little terrorists.