Is it a big lie that the newborn stage is hardest??

[SofaSurfette]

I'm sure people only say this to make new mums feel better. I have also heard that "it doesn't get easier, just different". But at 6 months I'm sure it's about 3x more work! Admittedly, I was expecting the first few weeks of motherhood to be a lot harder -
I naively wondered what all the fuss was about. Yeah the sleep deprivation was a challenge, but I seemed to have so much time. I wondered what people were on about when they spoke of cold tea and not getting 5 minutes for a shower. Not anymore.

How do people even go out in the first couple of months of weaning? When there are still all the usual milk feeds in addition to very messy mealtimes? That's about 8 feedings in 12 hours! I feel like my whole day is spent feeding and cleaning up. And everything takes several times longer than it used to because fussiness is increasing and nap times are reducing -if happening at all- ... Honestly the sleepless nights were a doddle compared to this. What am I doing so wrong?! More importantly, when does it actually get easier

Newborns and toddlers are a doddle compared with teenage years. Give me night feeds and toddler tantrums any day.

It's way easier than 2.5!

I completely agree. Both of mine were easiest from birth to six months. With my first of course I just thought I was an exceptional mother and everyone else was doing it wrong. Oh how I've paid for my pride in the years that followed...

It depends on the individual child. My dd1 was a piece of piss as a newborn, slept loads, fed easily, barely cried. No health concerns. However as soon as she became mobile ( 6 months) she was an adventuring nightmare when awake. There was nothing she couldn't climb over, fall off or push over, she had the strength of hulk. However my twins as newborns was the hardest few months imaginable, no sleep, reflux, constant health anxieties, non stop crying... By comparison they were easier once on the move. All 2 year olds suck big time though, but at least you can distract them with TV by then, lol.

Oh dear. I found all the baby and childhood issues pale into insignificance compared with young adult issues. You can't always kiss and make it better when they are adults.

@20viona

Newborn stage is easy. Mine slept all the time for months. Once they are on the move it's wayyyyy harder I always tell my pregnant friends to soak up for first 4 months as that is when it's a dream. Once they are on the move it's a whole new ball game. Mine is 14 months and it gets harder every day.

Newborn stage was fucking awful and I cried every day. Don't be so smug and make your friends feel like shit. OP- every stage depends on the child. Up to 4 months for me was hideous. Weaning was fun. Toddler was great. I dreaded 7-9 as that is my least favourite age group to teach (whiny, whiny girls) but mine was her best self at that age. She's 14 now and I threaten to send her to Miss Hannigan on a daily basis. The eye rolling and muttering under her breath when I leave a room is getting Very Trying.

Just adding dd1 is 22 now and with her I found the teen years were OK, and young adulthood no worries. My twins are only 3 but I expect I'll get the nightmare teen experience with at least one of them.

This is a ridiculous though at the same time completely normal and understandable question and sentiment.

The only answer is that you've only experienced your baby.

It sounds as though you either had a very easy newborn or felt ok about leaving your baby to cry.

Many babies cannot be put down unless you're willing to leave them screaming, which seems a bad idea except when unavoidable because crying is a baby's only way to communicate their needs - they're crying because it's the only way to say something is wrong.

Reflux is common and putting a reflux baby down flat on his back causes them pain, you have to hold them. They grow out of it by a few months or at least by 6 months old usually but of course the sleep deprivation and cold tea phenomenon is real if you have a reflux baby and makes any sleep deprivation described by someone who's baby could sleep flat look like not much worth mentioning.

Also what people find difficult is different.

I blimin loved the toddler years and childminder toddlers - from when my eldest was 11.5 months old until DC2 was born I minded two other babies who's mums I'd met at antenatal classes, so had 3 toddlers born within 6 weeks of each other 7:30am to 5:30pm and remember that time as one of the loveliest of my life.

Dc1 had reflux so was harder at under 4 months than as an older baby and toddler. She also talked very early and very prolifically, which I think might be one reason she only had two tantrums, ever!

DC2 was an easy baby who didn't have reflux, lived in the sling in the days, slept well at night - easy baby. He was an easy toddler too although needed to run physical energy off he actually played alone, which dc1 never did, or with dc1. So easy I thought we could have loads of children and it's be easy, if only giving birth didn't tend to nearly kill me! DC2 had a tricky phase around 4-7 with massive separation anxiety and fear of change, then had an angry phase at 8, but grew out of it and is now an easy young teen.

DC 3 didn't sleep for more than a two hour stretch until he was 3. I can honestly say that I had absolutely no idea, when I'd only had babies one and two, what actual long term sleep deprivation was.

Most tired time : new born to 3 months.

Most frazzled : 18 month old dropping daytime nap.

Most nerve racking time: teenagers. Plus side is you do at least have time on your hands.

Unless you have mythical easy baby (I had 1/3) then the baby stage is the worst because of the lack of feedback and the dullness of the caring work. My exhausting relentless babies became fascinating, hilarious, toddlers and just get more and more interesting as they get older and their understanding of the world expands. The teenager can be very frustrating at times with the emotional swings but is also so sweet with her little brother and is hard working and helpful round the house and loves her hobbies. Much rather be at this stage than at the 3 under 5 stage. I do think the parental personality has an impact on how easy you cope with different stages though, DH and I definitely have our (different) parenting strengths and weaknesses.

With older children and young adults some of it is attitude and expectation, though of course some do go completely off the rails or experience catastrophic health or life issues.

Some parents seem to get into the habit of arguing (not debating, which is healthy, but angry shout arguing) with their teens, or take their teens being very different people with different beliefs, priorities, dreams etc personally and get angry. Trying to "win" an angry personal argument with a teen is pointless and destructive on every level, and some parents seem to struggle with how the relationship needs to constantly evolve.

Everyone's experience is so variable. I wasn't bothered at all when mine became mobile - in fact I found it much easier that they could stand up and you didn't have to carry them everywhere all the time. Mine weren't really climbers though.

I still grimace at memories of the newborn stage and I haven't had one for eight years.

You never know which stage is going to be the hardest until you've survived them all and it's different for each kid because they are all unique little individuals. Each stage is hard work at the start and then you sort of get the hang of it ( or just bunker down to ride it out).

The newborn stage is always hard though because the extreme sleep deprivation, the complete change to your life, recovering from the birth coupled with crashing hormones makes for a rollercoaster ride of a time.

I'm 4 kids in and some of their stages have been worse than the newborn stage with no constantly challenging stage across all of them except the newborn one.

I do love snuggly newborns though despite the sleep deprivation, leaky boobs, sore nipples, disposable underpants and hormonal yo-yoing.
(Better than a moody, stinky, cranky, lazy, argumentative teenager)

She also talked very early and very prolifically, which I think might be one reason she only had two tantrums, ever!

My DD2 talked very early and prolifically and had the worst tantrums ever .

The worst stage for me by a million miles was the newborn stage with DC1. He never napped in the day without being held by me, never went for more than a 3 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep at night, screamed with colic and I was breastfeeding around the clock.

I was that mum who couldn’t get up to go for a pee and never had a hot cup of coffee for about 2 years.
The sleep deprivation made that period (until he was 21 months old) the hardest of my life.

Everything since then - DC are now 9 & 6 - has been a fecking breeze by comparison.

I've found unexpected elements of teen parenting difficult - so far I have easy teens who I'm very proud of and know I'm incredibly lucky. I know that as with babies who sleep through a lot of having an easy, hard working, sensible, amenable teen is luck and could change overnight.

However what I find hard is them being ever present! Until they're 13 or so they go to bed and you get an evening! We still send our 15 year old to bed on school nights, but agreed to let her stay up at weekends and holidays. She's good company and watches series with us in the evening, but as her pre teen brother is always up by 7am it means that there is never, ever an awake child free second in the house!! They're lovely, but it's like having another adult in the house which I've never done well with!

It's just how it is, but I do miss 9:30pm-11:30pm on Friday and Saturday night being children free!

I think it's maybe the adaptation involved in having a newborn that many people find torturous.

And you're lucky that you're no longer sleep deprived! Many parents have kids that wake in the night for years! It nearly ended me, and I still feel the effects of it 6yrs later (insomnia...).

MinnieMousse maybe that's not why then anyway she didn't. Mind you my boys weren't big tantrumers either, but each of them had a few impressive ones.

The only one of mine who was a tricky toddler was dc3, who climbed like a baby chimp and also crawled early and fast and then upwards, but walked later so still needed carrying outdoors (and if I put him down he'd climb something - I once put him on a soft cork flooring on holiday and he shot up the frame for stage lighting, I grabbed him at my shoulder height - he was 13 months old). He also still wasn't sleeping at that age so it was hard and my health suffered, I put on weight and developed weird aches and pains especially in my legs and feet (at one point I couldn't walk properly) because there just wasn't a time I could relax or go to sleep without being woken up in an hour or two. He was incredibly cute and hilarious as a toddler though, which got me through!

I don't think there's a most difficult age, although each child has their tricky age/s.

I really loathe the nasty "it'll only get harder" parents who get so much from satisfaction from making parents of younger children worried. Apart from anything, they're liars.

I have a 14 year old, she was not an easy baby or toddler.

This age is 100% the most challenging and emotionally draining stage so far.

I know this is hard in covid times but with my 6 month olds I had this routine which was great. Both now happy healthy adults.
BF at night
Breakfast in highchair
School run
Home for 30mins/hour. Sippy cup.
To playgroup for 10am everyday, different ones.
Snack at playgroup and tea and cake and socialising for parents.
Lunch at soft play with mum friends. It was £2.50 to get in, so cheaper than nowadays. Three places to choose from. Sometimes to cafes instead.
Nap in pram at soft play.
School run.
Snack at home with older kids
Dinner at home
Snack in evening
Bedtime

Being stuck in all day must be hard. x

@20viona no it isnt, and that isnt what you typed in your 1st message.

I don't think it's a case of harder or easier. It's just different and your focus changes. My DS is 12 months and he's sleeps through the night but he's bloody hard work during the day, more than when he was newborn. However, he's so much more fun.

It really depends on the baby! I missed out on the sleepy/cuddly newborn stage, mine screamed all the time until she was about 5/6 months old and I got quite bad depression as a result. She’s 10 months now and always on the go so it’s exhausting but I much prefer this stage.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I always tell my pregnant friends to soak up the first 4 months as that is when it's a dream.

This is my exact quote Everyone's experience is completely individual this is mine.

You're very worked up over something so trivial.

I found the newborn stage absolutely horrendous. Not because of the sleepless nights, just because of the fussiness and constant crying. He had loads of reflux issues though. Hated his car seat and pram, couldn’t be put down etc.
DS got much easier at about 8 months and at 17 months now he’s no bother. Or I’m just used to him now maybe.... I’m just waiting for the next phase!!