To be really upset by feedback from nursery worker about my toddler.

[Daisy1980a]

I am shocked and have been in tears since picking up my 19-month-old from nursery. As I collected him one of the nursery workers reeled off a list of about 15 negative things he did today including pulling at her so hard she fell off a chair and injured herself, pinching and scratching her, pushing other kids over, taking other kids’ food and milk, throwing food on the floor…the list seemed to go on and on. Basically she implied every other kid in his class is well behaved except him and they didn’t know why.

We have a very big, boisterous toddler who doesn’t know his own strength and we have noticed how he does take other kids’ food and toys and can tend to push them out of the way. He is also very sweet , friendly and loving and people have commented on how lovely and smiley he is but now I am very concerned, especially at the behaviour towards the nursery worker.

My partner and I have never had feedback like this and don’t know what to do with it. Our boy doesn’t have many words and doesn’t seem to understand that much apart from the word ‘No’ but even then he will ignore us sometimes , so how do we teach him not to do these things?

Should we speak to our health visitor or get him assessed somehow? I feel we are massively failing him and want to help him.

Well, tbh if my child was treating people like that I'd be absolutely appalled. You say he does these things at home - are you doing anything about it? He may be little but he won't grow out of it unless you make him.

How long has he been at nursery?
Is it the first time you’ve had negative feedback?

I wouldn't look to get him assessed until you have at least tried to tackle the issues yourselves.
You can't ignore that kind of behaviour just because he is sweet sometimes.

What was their plan for how to address this in their setting? How can they work with what you’re doing at home so there’s consistency in how it’s approached? I think you need to ask for a private meeting or phone call with them to talk about it properly rather than a handover like that.

If he's bigger than the others then the behaviour is probably just because he can - he's still really young, there won't be any malice in it.

You and the nursery need to work together on firm boundaries- if the nursery worker let him do all of these things, what did she do to try and prevent it? What are their discipline guidelines? Can you follow them at home so one message gets communicated to him? Also distraction is key at this age, talk to him about why he can't do things even if you think he doesn't understand.

She's told you what's gone on and you're already familiar with some of this behaviour so it can't have been a big shock to you.
You now need to deal with it and stop it at home EVERY TIME consistently or you will have a child who goes on to be labelled as tricky because he hasn't been taught from the outset what's acceptable and what's not. There's lots of guidance online about how to tackle this.
I have friends with a "boisterous" child. IME it's not that but just that the child hasn't been guided well and shown what no means.

Toddlers are mostly boisterous. There are a handful of non rowdy ones (DS1 was one but DS2 isn’t). They are all usually lovely and sweet at the same time. But what boundaries are there for him when he does this at home?? What I would be concerned about is that a 19 month old doesn’t understand what you say. If you ask him to get something does he know what you mean? Can he follow simple instructions? What is his vocabulary like?

I don’t think the nursery worker was wrong to raise it per se but it sounds like the way they brought it up at handover wasn’t great. I’d ask for a meeting or call with them about how to manage his behaviour and to make you’re all on the same page so the approach is always consistent whether at home or at nursery.

I would want to know if these things had happened. That's quite a lot in one day! How have they dealt with it? Is this the first time? I'd have a meeting with the manager and keyworker to start with.

He’s 19 months ? The nursery should be taking better care of him, he’s basically a walking baby. For pinching and scratching, firstly make sure his nails are shorts so can’t do much damage. When he’s too rough, take his hand and show his how to stroke gently while saying ´gentle’ and try to hold his hand and stroke his own arm or face so he can feel how ‘gentle’ feels. The idea is that once he knows just saying gentle should get him gentler.

It sounds like the way they communicated this wasn't the best but the behaviour sounds pretty bad! What do you do if he does this at home?

Whilst he's a toddler, so pushing boundaries and thinking only of the present moment and what he wants in that present moment (whether that be a cuddle, a biscuit, his favourite toy or to kick another child who is in his way) is normal, it's time to make sure he starts to understand when his behaviour is bad.
Today it was bad. Don't sugarcoat it and call it boisterous, energetic etc.
Nip it in the bud, or you'll have other parents complaining about it. He doesn't need assessing, he needs consequences for his actions and for you and nursery to be on the same page.

Oh he’s tiny! Not even two yet. I agree with trying to teach him about being gentle and sharing with others but don’t beat yourself up too much, he’s really little. It sounds like the nursery worker could have raised it in a more productive way. As a teacher I am very careful how I raise behaviour issues with parents. See if you can identify if there are particular causes for the behaviour (eg tiredness, frustration) so you / nursery can use distraction before it happens and just give him a bit of time to grow up.

If he's behaved like that in one day they definitely needed to make it clear to you about his behaviour.
I'd go back and ask for help, they'll help signpost you in the right direction. Have they discussed with you his small amount of language, can he follow directions, do gestures whilst you sing an action song, if you say you're going out does he go get his shoes etc

At 19 months he should understand you even if he has no vocabulary. My 20 month old has about 4 words, but she knows when I ask her to get something, or do something, or if I say 'dont touch that', even if she does choose to ignore what I say. Dont make the mistake of thinking your child doesnt understand you. He is probably just ignoring you. What's the consequences of bad behaviour at home? How do you teach him what's right and wrong on a daily basis at home?

If the nursery worker has noticed the problems you are aware of already, then you both need to sit down and be practical and work out a strategy for what you both do when he does something like snaps an object or pushes etc. You cant just ignore it. He needs to learn what's acceptable behaviour and it's our job as parents to teach them. Try work with the nursery rather than see them as the bad guys.

Did you ask her what she was doing as she is getting paid to care for and supervise him. He must be related to superman if at 19 months he can push a grown adult over.

You say he's a big boisterous toddler, is he big for his age? I picked my son up from nursery once and the member of staff said he had been running around and she expected better of him. I stood there for a minute and then asked her if she knew he was the youngest in that room, she dismissed this but I asked her to check and sure enough he was 12 months younger than some of the children who ere smaller than him so she was expecting him to be the most mature in the room and he was the youngest. He told me this stopped being a disadvantage when he was the only one who could get served in a pub without having to show ID.

It is amazing how much people judge on size.

My DS was quite big compared to his peers, and could be boisterous and confident in comparison. From 1.5 - 2.5y I was incredibly strict with him. I watched him like a hawk and intervened constantly, consistently removed him when he didn't follow a warning, etc. I felt like I spent my life giving him a row, but it was the only way to keep a lid on his behaviour. As his language developed over that time, his behaviour improved, and the clear consistent messages began to get through.

I'm sure some of his behaviour improvement will have been down to maturing over that time, but I am really glad I just tackled it head on and I think it has paid dividends as he is really well behaved now (aged 4).

A 19 month old pulled an adult off the chair and onto the floor? What exactly was she doing?

To be honest, I think they are a little unreasonable in expecting a 19 month old to have mastered all those skills on his own at this stage. Did she mention how they intervened? Or how they planned to move forward?

To stop the pinching/ scratching/ pulling I would recommend the book Hands are not for Hitting and others from the same series. It gently reinforces good behaviour and we use it to remind our own 19 month old DD about how she can channel her emotions and use her hands kindly.

Sounds like they dumped it all on you in a big list but what do you normally do when he takes other kids’ food and toys and pushes them out of the way if you're aware of that kind of behaviour? It's normal, but kids need to learn, you need to start teaching him not to do those things.

I am questioning how a toddler has pulled an adult off a chair so she's injured herself, that sounds pretty far fetched....

My friend's 2 year old could definitely pull an adult off a chair.
I would also ask how they dealt with it as they may have some ideas for you going forward given that they are trained in this kind of thing and more dispassionate.

He's 19 MONTHS old, what's her excuse?

Unacceptable way for them to deal with any problems.

They should be looking after him better and they should have made a proper time to talk to you if there are ongoing issues.

They also should not simply be listing off 'bad behaviour'.

Personally wouldn't take him
Back there with such incompetence.

But obviously some of his behaviour needs to change too x

I don't think the OP has said how the nursery dealt with it?
But they will have done, thank goodness. The nursery worker pulled off the chair and scratched could be a child next time.

I’d get some advice about how to support behaviour in this age group.
I’d also consider a fresh start at a new nursery. If he’s to stray there, I’d meet with them to discuss strategies they’re putting in pace to help him.