To be really upset by feedback from nursery worker about my toddler.

[Daisy1980a]

I am shocked and have been in tears since picking up my 19-month-old from nursery. As I collected him one of the nursery workers reeled off a list of about 15 negative things he did today including pulling at her so hard she fell off a chair and injured herself, pinching and scratching her, pushing other kids over, taking other kids’ food and milk, throwing food on the floor…the list seemed to go on and on. Basically she implied every other kid in his class is well behaved except him and they didn’t know why.

We have a very big, boisterous toddler who doesn’t know his own strength and we have noticed how he does take other kids’ food and toys and can tend to push them out of the way. He is also very sweet , friendly and loving and people have commented on how lovely and smiley he is but now I am very concerned, especially at the behaviour towards the nursery worker.

My partner and I have never had feedback like this and don’t know what to do with it. Our boy doesn’t have many words and doesn’t seem to understand that much apart from the word ‘No’ but even then he will ignore us sometimes , so how do we teach him not to do these things?

Should we speak to our health visitor or get him assessed somehow? I feel we are massively failing him and want to help him.

He's only one year old so he won't understand things like being taken home from a playdate. At that age you just have to helicopter a bit (not a bad thing in this context) and look for signs he's about to do something naughty and prevent him or stop him in the act.

If he does take food etc then give it back to the child and explain "That's Andy's" (or "Not yours") then take another piece of food (if it's offered) or your own snacks you've brought and place it in front of your child "This is yours". You don't need to sound angry, IME. Just explain in a clear and matter of fact way and feel confident about it.

Agree Janet Lansbury's approach is really good. Firm but respectful of the child, never fear-based and age appropriate. The website is better than her book IMO.

He will not understand big long explanations, 2-3 words is about the max, so try to keep your explanations this simple, and he won't understand being punished. The way to teach him boundaries is (tedious) but just to prevent/stop the behaviour in its tracks every time, redirect to or model the behaviour you want, and remind every time, don't expect him to remember to do things the right way yet, especially if it's a new context (e.g. new place, different food, different friend).

Children of this age can't really follow directions against their impulses, so it is not that he is ignoring you as such, it's just that expecting him to follow a direction in this kind of situation is not age appropariate regardless of whether he understands. You explain/direct (e.g. "That's not yours" AND combine with an action (taking the item away, blocking it from his reach or moving him back out of reach of the item) - telling him and expecting him to comply of his own accord comes later, and slowly, first for easier (less high-value) things and only later for something he REALLY REALLY wants. Children vary in the age they can do this, but almost none of them can do it at 19 months old.

At this age they don't understand sharing or property, so it is normal for parents to share food between toddlers just to avoid a huge scene (I would make sure you always take more than you need yourself, so it can be shared back reciprocally) BUT you can still stop him from taking it out of a child's hand/plate or hold him back and model/show that you say please nicely before randomly taking out of somebody else's pot. If he can't say please, that's not at all unusual and is perfectly OK but you can say please for him.

Some children are more persistent or more biddable than others! It's likely nothing you've done but maybe it would help to be a bit firmer when addressing it :)

Oh my goodness he is only 19 months. Make sure you are setting boundaries but I really wouldn’t worry to much

Was it an aide or his key worker who spoke to you?
Did she seem angry or annoyed or personally hurt?

I would ask for a meeting where you can all discuss concerns.

At home, does your DS get a lot of instructions from you or his dad while you are busy doing other things?

You have to follow through with your No to a toddler. A toddler should never be allowed to get away with ignoring you or not listening to you. Don't just say no and then shrug or give up if he keeps going.

You need to get down to eye level and tell DS to acknowledge he has heard you and confirm he will stop doing whatever he is doing. Then praise him for listening and also for stopping.

You need to introduce a new instruction to 'Listen'. Failure to listen is a behaviour that must be addressed. You have to physically make sure he is listening.

It sounds like the lady at nursery took your son's actions personally when in reality he is a child who just needs to be the best way to go. So that's what you can start doing. Be a bit tricky at first because he's a baby and of course it will be tricky but just try and keep calm and help him regulate his behaviour. Consistent tones and phrases such as 'careful, gentle' or 'no biting just kisses' and preempting difficult moments with distraction or careful explanation I have found really helpful with my lo. My mum always said spend time observing your child before reacting so spend a day looking at the leadup to his bad behaviour, is he bored, hungry, not expelled enough energy, tired any patterns to bad behaviour and then see how best to address them. Hope it goes well ☺️

Inappropriate of them to reel off negative behaviour! She should’ve said something along the lines of “He’s had a lovely day doing such and such activities and engaging in such and such, however we’ve noticed he’s had a few off moments here and there!” Something along those lines never in my career would I have just spouted our lots of negatives! How awful for you! I know how that feels as a parent! I wouldn’t worry too much at the moment about his behaviour, he’s still sooo young, my toddler used to bite at that age, he’s 2.5 now and has grown out of it, maybe he was looking for attention? Or he was bored etc? Also communication could be a barrier also, it’s tough and it’s awful hearing negative things said about your child.
X

He's not even 2. To those saying his behaviour is appalling, ignore them. Their little angels are probably with nanny except for the hour they spend with them a day. I agree with the "gentle" actions, I've found that works with my 16 month old. Otherwise he really isn't abnormal and will find his place in the nursery.

To those who have suggested the OPs son is "appallingly" behaved, shame on you. Shame on you.

I also find it quite hard having a very tall child - DS (recently turned two) is between 91st and 99th centile for height and I've noticed he's expected to give way to smaller children, but of course he doesn't understand that and tbh I sometimes find the expectation that he should just hand over whatever he has because they're smaller a bit off. I really like DS's nursery but I do suspect that they sometimes forget that he's the youngest in preschool by nearly six months - one of them started talking to me about his speech being behind and his keyworker had to stop her and say 'no it's not, he's only 23 months'. My mum said it was a problem throughout my childhood that as I was so tall people often treated me like an older child and expected more from me than they did the other children of my actual age.

Agree completely with @Hardbackwriter about size. My experience is that behaviour that other parents gloss over in their smaller children will be viewed very negatively in your big, tall boy, even if it's not developmentally inappropriate. Either because they think he's older or they just perceive him as being more "aggressive". Your challenge is to guide him appropriately while giving him lots of affectionate encouragement so he's not negatively impacted by the unfair prejudices of others. Ultimately, I do think taller, older looking children need to learn to behave to a higher standard than the rest since these higher expectations are likely to follow them throughout their education and you really don't want them to be labelled by teachers and other parents as naughty.

I will say this however, get this nipped in the bud now. I’ve seen “big boisterous boys” become social pariahs at playgroups as they are just TOO MUCH and the other kids flee the money they see these boys coming towards a toy they’re playing with.

And IME its always been “big boisterous boys”.
My friends see this in primary schools.
Sadly I've seen this in secondary schools too. Usually it's complete with the parent attitude of 'theyve always been a bit cheeky /boisterous/ (insert euphemism here)... But what am I supposed to do about it?'

Most of their peers can't stand them and their mates who think they're funny are a minority.

I'm not for one second saying the OP will be in that's situation, but a former colleague summed it up brilliantly: 'cheeky boisterous boys are decidedly less cute when they become defiant teens who've had over a decade of limited boundaries'.

DD got bitten at that age by a boy and nursery said because he was the biggest and strongest he'd quickly learnt he could generally get his own way by force. I think dd refused to give up a toy and he didn't take it very well the staff pretty much had someone on him All The Time for about 3 months when his understanding caught up with his physical ability.

I would take him home from a playdate if he misbehaves. I'm no expert but I thought immediately removing toddlers made more impact on them than verbally telling them off?

@LolaSmiles. Totally inappropriate comment about a baby not even 2 .

Yes, if the OP doesn't parent appropriately over the next ten plus years, she might have a problem teenager on her hands. So might the parents of any child, boy or girl, big or small...

What is true is that the inactive, sedentary nature of our education system doesn't provide very active children, both boys and girls, with sufficient outlets for their energy. So OP, if your DS continues to be high energy, it might be worth choosing a nursery with a more active, outdoor approach (and same when it comes to primary schools).

He's in a nursery setting. They are used to boisterous toddlers. The fact they have mentioned it means it is not normal behaviour. If it's not just a bad day thing ie he is like this often then yes I would first try giving him more boundaries and then if that didn't work I would get him assessed

Op you need to be tougher when you witness this behaviour. You can’t reason with him because he’s too little to understand your logic. He understands consequences though.

So if he does something wrong it’s a sharp no, tell him the behaviour is not acceptable, and then put him in a time out, remove him from the situation, whatever. He will learn what’s right or wrong by effectively learning if he does something there will be a consequence he doesn’t like.

If however you try to ration with him, but give him no consequences, or let him away with it, he will just keep doing it and get worse, as you’re experiencing. Why wouldn’t he? He’s learning he can do exactly as he pleases, when he pleases, by pushing, shoving, grabbing, screaming, crying. So that’s what he does.

You don’t need to get him assessed, you just need to teach him right from wrong with consequences. On the flip side he should get stars or rewards for good behaviour.

Ultimately, I do think taller, older looking children need to learn to behave to a higher standard than the rest since these higher expectations are likely to follow them throughout their education and you really don't want them to be labelled by teachers and other parents as naughty.

I also agree with this, even though I think it's a bit sad. It might also have its advantages. I was a summer born but a very high achiever academically and I have wondered whether never being treated like the youngest, or being allowed to act like the youngest, mitigated some of the disadvantages of being summer born. I always used to be very jealous as a child and teen of the very petite, 'cute' girls who used to get everyone to fuss over them and who got away with murder, but I've noticed that this did not set them up well for adult life - some of them, very embarrassingly, are now still trying to use the same act at 35 and it's definitely not cute any more.

@Reluctantcavedweller I hadn't thought about the fact that my son may need to be seen to be behaving at a higher standard due to his size - really interesting point.

And you are so right about the sedentary nature of nurseries. My son was really upset in the last room he was in, in nursery (crawlers to walkers) as there was much less space to explore.

Our nursery only has a small outside area and he loves to move and I know feels frustrated in our maisonette (without a garden) I feel like some kids just have much more energy, and when they're toddlers that energy can be directed negatively until they learn better. But I just came away tonight feeling like a massive parenting
failure

A nursery is not a parent.
IMHO, ask for a chat with nursery. Explain you have listened to their feedback and would love their suggestions for things to do at home - work with the nursery- not against. They are on your son's side

@Daisy1980a. It sounds like part of the problem at least is that he's not active enough. So his energy comes out in a negative way.

Nothing you can do about no garden (though perhaps an indoor slide if you have space?) but maybe a different nursery with more outside space/play equipment where he could run about freely might be better? We're currently moving DS to one with a much more outdoor ethos (lots of climbing trees and forest walks etc.) because his current setting is too sedentary. He comes home and tears round the garden for a couple of hours before bed. And on the days I have him (work PT) we usually do a playground trip and a walk and he still needs to be chased round outside for a bit.

Totally inappropriate comment about a baby not even 2 hmm

Selectively ignoring the fact I was talking about older children and that I said that I'm NOT saying the OP will be in the situation that's evident with some older children.

I totally stand by the fact that not putting in place boundaries with children and dismissing non-typical roughness as being a bit boisterous over time can easily lead to older children and teens who do as they please.

Unfortunately the children in those situations are innocent victims of their parents' 'yes they push and shove... But what am I to do about it... Yes they snatch toys and nip or bite... But what am I do to about it... I can't just take them from a play date / I can't do anything about it (shrugs)... Oh they just have energy, they're just a bit cheeky... everyone expects too much of my child... but what am I to do' attitude.

Wow, that's quite a list of behaviours!

He’s a baby still so don’t stress it as they are still learning what they should and shouldn’t do and processing how to deal with various situations. As for the long list don’t take it to heart they are just relaying how the day went and honestly you would rather know if there have been challenges! If you consistently get the feedback then there may be a problem and if it persists outright ask them for advice and how they’re dealing with it! After all the baby needs consistent messages to learn from!

He’s a baby! It sounds like he’s had a bad day. You are not in the wrong here, please don’t be upset- you just need a supportive nursery and to keep reinforcing boundaries.

My little girl. I’d say around 16/17 months. Went through a stage of pushing other children, not at nursery more with me- we’d go to soft play and I’d have to watch her like a hawk! She’s 2 now and we’ve also had biting incidents at nursery (she’s been the victim not the biter). These things just happen and it’s up to the nursery to effectively manage the issue. All toddlers can be a bit wild sometimes. A 19 month old is not a ‘naughty kid’ he is simply too young for that label!

DD has not been bitten since, she doesn’t hit anymore and is the kindest, sweetest girl now she is older and more aware. My nursery are great and deal with these issues when they happen, yours sound unprofessional and I’d rethink your options or schedule a chat with the manager.

He’s still a baby, even if he is much bigger physically. Just ensure you and the nursery are being consistent with the ways you are dealing with him. Timeout, or naughty step, or other methods. But do ensure he is told at the time that his behavior is not acceptable.

@LolaSmiles. If it's not in fact relevant to the OP (which it isn't) why post and make her worried that her baby is going to turn into a socially ostracized delinquent? It's not concerned parents posting on Mumsnet for advice on how to address common baby behavioural issues who are likely to have this problem.

Reluctantcavedweller
It is relevant when the OP was asking if she's meant to remove him from playdates, that he's being held to different standards because he's a bigger child, asking about going for assessments etc to outsource the responsibility rather than the obvious starting point of consistent boundaries to teach her child what's ok/isn't.

In my experience, and that of colleagues in similar areas, there is a link between older children who display the sorts of behaviour/attitudes the OP outlines and some parents who say 'but what can I do... Your expectation is unreasonable... They're just boisterous/cheeky etc'.

Pointing out a possible outcome from a particular attitude whilst saying 'I'm not saying it will happen' is totally reasonable.

My 16 month old is plonked on the floor/seat away from me when she pinches/hits or slaps me and is told no.

I also remove her from children like your son who don't understand the word no.

You need to be consistent. He will soon pick up what behaviours you don't like.