To be really upset by feedback from nursery worker about my toddler.

[Daisy1980a]

I am shocked and have been in tears since picking up my 19-month-old from nursery. As I collected him one of the nursery workers reeled off a list of about 15 negative things he did today including pulling at her so hard she fell off a chair and injured herself, pinching and scratching her, pushing other kids over, taking other kids’ food and milk, throwing food on the floor…the list seemed to go on and on. Basically she implied every other kid in his class is well behaved except him and they didn’t know why.

We have a very big, boisterous toddler who doesn’t know his own strength and we have noticed how he does take other kids’ food and toys and can tend to push them out of the way. He is also very sweet , friendly and loving and people have commented on how lovely and smiley he is but now I am very concerned, especially at the behaviour towards the nursery worker.

My partner and I have never had feedback like this and don’t know what to do with it. Our boy doesn’t have many words and doesn’t seem to understand that much apart from the word ‘No’ but even then he will ignore us sometimes , so how do we teach him not to do these things?

Should we speak to our health visitor or get him assessed somehow? I feel we are massively failing him and want to help him.

Well the OP is obviously concerned otherwise she wouldn’t have posted. No need to make her feel worse when she is already upset.

Oh that can be such a tough age. But I really believe that kids respond to stress in the only way they know how. In my humble opinion, your LO is stressed and unhappy in that environment and he's expressing this. Maybe it's the wrong place for him. Could it be too overwhelming, too noisy, too busy, have too many children? Maybe he needs a different nursery/less nursery. When did he return (following lockdown)? Could it be the change/transition/difficulty getting back into the rhythm of nursery following a long period at home?

His behaviour needs to be addressed... Not because he's naughty as such but because, while age-appropriate, it is not acceptable. The OP has asked for tips on how to do this since she's not sure their current strategy is effective. Nowhere has she said that she intends to be one of those hopeless parents who throws up their hands and says, "But what can I do?" every time their children misbehave. So threatening her with dire consequences which will only happen if she takes a parenting holiday for the next ten years seems premature and unhelpful.

OP I hope you're ok.

Some comments on here would have upset me as regardless of your boys behaviour he is still your pride and joy.

I'd 100% go into nursery ASAP and chat with the manager and his keyworker together ASAP.

My concern comes more from the angle of the nursery staff as regardless of age/ behaviour they have had training about what to do in situations like this and it's worrying if they know what he can be like that he has managed to do so much 'wrong' in one day. For example if he's likely to take others food they should have a little more space between him and the next child AND have his seat where the staff are most likely to be or a member of staff by him so when he goes to reach out he can be gently stopped.
If he pulls hair- tie it back where possible obviously.
Sorry to say but it sounds like it 'could' be a case of 'what's he going to do next...?' It may not be at all so please go with your gut. Maybe even ask at other nurseries what they do in these situations as the last thing your boy needs is a label. Labels stick and kids learn how to be that label.
I mean today they should have said they'd invite you to a meeting to work through this together- not just tell you his behaviour!

I'm aware I could be completely wrong but wanted to throw another perspective in.
My friends boy started at a nursery at 6 months and she took months to choose the best one etc. At 2 years one collection day she was told he'd been 'naughty again' snatching / throwing toys and hit another child. Now I know this is all wrong even for a just 2 year old but to say he's naughty- my friend kept saying he was naughty then- as the professionals said it. Thankfully she took on board what I said about terminology/ labelling and she hasn't said it since.

I'd also when with friends and the kids are eating stop them sharing their child's food with him as all that's teaching him is go get it and you get some. And if you share your food with him the same, just because it's mixed messages and will be confusing for him. Your friends may breathe an inward sigh of relief at this too as most may not be keen on him wanting to share and insisting his friends do!! Something we did from about 12 months is take an item of food to share with their friend so 2 boxes of raisins and my dc will 'give' one to her friend so sharing is learnt but also the boundary of when it's gone its gone!

Hope things go well, I'm sure he's a delightful boy who just needs some stronger boundaries

Note to self : agreeing with another poster that there's long term consequences to behaviour if not addressed is totally unreasonable.

Duly noted.

It's been stupidly hot and they both ( child and nursery worker) had a bad day. Tomorrow is another day.

As an aside I have toddlers on the 99percentile for height and it definitely affects what ppl expect of them as they assume they are about a year older!

OP try not to worry too much and talk again with the nursery to pick apart what his behaviour is really like there.

My little one is 2 next month and spirited is probably a good word for him. He’s strong-willed and fearless which has made him an exhausting one year old. He was particularly tough around the 18 month mark. His speech is a touch delayed and I was very worried around 18-20 months but, although he still doesn’t have that many words, at almost 2, his understanding has come on leaps and bounds. He does have selective hearing though 🤔.

At this age, and at his language stage, there is no point giving him lengthy explanations of why his behaviour is wrong. I just distract, intervene or remove him from the situation as necessary making boundaries clear to him.

He's not a baby! At 18 months he's been a toddler for about 6 months.

I think you are right to be working on it now but I'd be aware that people may assume he's older than he looks and have higher expectations of his behaviour.

I wouldn't worry too much yet but it's still worth keeping an eye on your concerns.

Really dismayed at some of these answers.

This child is not being held to different standards as he is physically bigger. There is nothing to suggest that smaller children are pinching, scratching, pushing, stealing food, throwing stuff and the nursery are simply accepting it because they are smaller, I highly doubt that to be the case.

Secondly the op has stated she has seen this behaviour out with the nursery setting, she’s commented he steals others food and her friends just give him it, that as parents they have witnessed him stealing others toys and food and shoving them out the way, that he ignores them when they say no, and that all they do is try to reason with the child.

Op you’re not a failure, but you need to step up with the consequences, there is a reason things like naughty step or star rewards are used for young kids. Because consequences and rewards is how they learn when they are too small to understand what you’re telling them.

The pp who said if you don’t do it now you’re storing up bigger problems is right. Your child is highly unlikely to just grow out of this, it is much more likely the behaviour will escalate, because kids push boundaries and if there is no consequences will do as they please.

As parents we need to teach our kids right from wrong, but we need to do it in a way they understand, and when small that’s about a mix of words, consequences and rewards. Just words will have no impact at all.

there is a reason things like naughty step or star rewards are used for young kids. Because consequences and rewards is how they learn when they are too small to understand what you’re telling them.

Oh please, now I’ve heard it all, a naughty step for an 18 month old... that’s just funny!

I didn’t suggest she use the naughty step. I stated there was a reason they were used with children too young to understand.

Oh please, now I’ve heard it all, a naughty step for an 18 month old... that’s just funny!

Does anyone have an 18 month old who will stay on the naughty step?

A naughty step or time out for an 18 month old is just pointless! They don't have that level of reasoning yet!

Janet Lansbury website has some useful techniques and tips that are quite practical for things like this.

OP, are you happy generally with the nursery? Was yesterday just a bad day or has this happened before?

Do you feel that they take a firm, affectionate, loving approach with your DS or do they simply treat him like a bit of a nuisance?

I have noticed that a lot of these responses here are based on fear, on what might happen in the future rather than what is happening now.
Sometimes those worries can be an overwhelming part of parenting.

Your son is very young, he is still acting purely on his emotions and impulses as all toddlers do. Over time with continued, normal parenting you will help him and he will learn and adjust and come to understand.

He is the most important thing to you in the world, he will be fine, please try not to be fearful.

@Reluctantcavedweller yes. My 20 month old was first put on it at 17 months and hasn't repeated the action she did again (touching the oven after I told her twice not to).

I really think people underestimate their kids intelligence. My 20 month old understands nearly everything I say to her, and she reacts to even conversations between me and other people. For example I say to my mom 'ye I am going to go now' and she waves bye bye and goes and gets her shoes. She listens to everything. Yet she doesnt speak beyond animal sounds. Kids play us like fiddles. They push boundaries to see what they are allowed and not allowed do. At 19 months old they are not idiots. Why are we treating them like they are?

A 19 month old pulled an adult off a chair so hard she injured herself?

You need to start training him now. You have the next Worlds Strongest Man on your hands. Of course he needs to eat all the food; he's got to build his muscles. You should buy him some Atlas balls to practice with in the garden.

But seriously you need to arrange a meeting with the nursery. They are the professionals and should explain how they are going to handle his behaviour moving forward. He can't be the first big boisterous DC they've encountered. It sounds like the nursery worker hasn't built up a relationship with your DS and just sees him as hard work.

Ask the nursery if they have any concerns regarding his development. Even if he didn't have many words he should recognise the tone of voice if you don't want him to do something, and then he should be shown the positive alternative.

Op you can ask health visiting team for advice and support with behaviour if you feel you need some help .
I would also suggest if you're worried asking one of your trusted mum friends to give you an honest opinion on your sons behaviour. We had a very aggressive boy in our group at this age and I do regret not being honest with the mum about how difficult the behaviour was - though it was very aggressive and clearly way more than 'terrible twos' but the mum made it clear she felt his behaviour was totally normal and wouldn't have welcomed hearing any of our concerns, mums who see your son regularly will probably have a pretty realistic idea of whether he's just a bit boisterous or really challenging.
Also important to be really positive when he's showing good behaviour-try not to get into negative cycles
It is more than likely typical behaviour for his age and just needs some clear boundaries - such as you suggested taking him home from a play date if he pushes or upsets another child.

@Reluctantcavedweller

Oh please, now I’ve heard it all, a naughty step for an 18 month old... that’s just funny!

Does anyone have an 18 month old who will stay on the naughty step?

Yup, ive had 3. Took a few goes the first time but they got it within about 10 minutes.

At that age I would remove and sit with my DS. I'd give him a warning, do a gentler removal/distraction and then if those weren't working I'd do a physical removal to sit somewhere else until he was ready to sit still, share, whatever it was. I'd sit next to him and after a few minutes brightly say 'are you ready to take turns? Yes, I think we're ready to take turns really nicely with Freddy. He'll have a turn and then it will be your turn! I think we're ready to do that, let's go!' and then I'd go back to the situation and try to make that happen. It worked really well for us although it's gruelling to begin with.

At 19m they maybe can't say much but they understand quite a lot, especially when it is backed up with physical reinforcement. It only takes a few times of 'we'll go and sit quietly on the bench until you're ready to do X' for them to understand what it means to go and sit on the bench. Then the warning that if they don't do x they'll need to sit on the bench begins to make sense to them.

It's not a naughty step exactly because I was sitting there with him, but a 'getting ready' place, so we're having a seat getting ready to share, listen, take turns, say sorry, be gentle, whatever it might be.

As I said before I was incredibly strict with my DS between 1.5 and 2.5 and it has paid off. My DD is now that age and is less physical but much cheekier and sneakier and I find that really hard to deal with!

@YourObedientServant I like that idea! I have been thinking about strategies for my 20 month old non verbal DD especially when we are out socialising more after lockdown. She is generally well behaved with sharing etc but likes to throw a good strop every now and again if something doesnt go her way. This would work well as we use similar language at home but just not the removal from the situation. Thank you!

@Huhokthen. Perhaps you're lucky to have docile and compliant children then. Some children are naturally more passive and sedate than others.

When I tried it with mine at that age, he was a screaming, sticky mass of misery. What worked much better was pulling him aside, holding his shoulders and saying firmly, "No we don't push, that's not kind!", and then removing him from the situation if it continued. It was only from around 2 onwards that he really understood the naughty step and, tbh, I can count on one hand the times we've had to use it as normally a warning is enough.

He is very young. You need to keep,saying NO in a very firm voice rather than ignore. I agreed the nursery doesn't sound very positive. They should have experience of how to deal with unwanted behaviour.,

@Reluctantcavedweller

Perhaps you're lucky to have docile and compliant children then. Some children are naturally more passive and sedate than others.

Cue hollow laughter. I think if you told anyone who'd ever met them that my children were docile, compliant, passive or sedate they'd ask you if you were on glue. They're stubborn, opinionated, feisty little people, but I'm the adult, I'm in charge, and if I tell them to sit on the naughty step, they sit (mostly). Yes, the first time was a struggle, but it worked, and now as you said they stop after a warning and actually putting them on the step is rare.

OP he's so young, just a baby really, and being strict with him is just going to cause you both upset as he's too young to understand consequences. The best thing to do is to gently and positively correct him each time he does something a bit boisterous. Don't be too hard on him, at this age they don't have any impulse control. He will grow out of this behaviour with some guidance from you and his nursery.