To be really upset by feedback from nursery worker about my toddler.

[Daisy1980a]

I am shocked and have been in tears since picking up my 19-month-old from nursery. As I collected him one of the nursery workers reeled off a list of about 15 negative things he did today including pulling at her so hard she fell off a chair and injured herself, pinching and scratching her, pushing other kids over, taking other kids’ food and milk, throwing food on the floor…the list seemed to go on and on. Basically she implied every other kid in his class is well behaved except him and they didn’t know why.

We have a very big, boisterous toddler who doesn’t know his own strength and we have noticed how he does take other kids’ food and toys and can tend to push them out of the way. He is also very sweet , friendly and loving and people have commented on how lovely and smiley he is but now I am very concerned, especially at the behaviour towards the nursery worker.

My partner and I have never had feedback like this and don’t know what to do with it. Our boy doesn’t have many words and doesn’t seem to understand that much apart from the word ‘No’ but even then he will ignore us sometimes , so how do we teach him not to do these things?

Should we speak to our health visitor or get him assessed somehow? I feel we are massively failing him and want to help him.

An update to this thread for those interested and who helpfully posted. I followed up my concerns with the nursery manager first of all, who although at first seemed to dismiss them with "Oh he's so young still etc" is now taking them more seriously and admitted they were worried about his development and that he was behind his peers.

I then spoke to his key worker who mentioned other worrying traits that we were aware of (fascination with spinning wheels, doesn't seem interested in playing with the other children, inability to sit still and eat at the table with the other children) When I asked if he might be on the autism spectrum, the manager said it's possible. I think it had been on mine and my partner's mind for a while now but because he's so sociable and uses eye contact we had ruled it out but we had another baby 11 weeks ago and he is completely disinterested in her which also worried me. While I was on my way home the nursery called to say he had fallen and hit his head running (second time in a month so ended up in A&E!) He learned to walk at 16 months so late on and is still quite clumsy - so another red flag.

Suffice to say we have put a plan in place with the nursery which will involve a specialist if he hasn't improved and at the same time I am waiting for a meeting with a HV and a probably referral to our local SEN centre.

Sat here feeling so teary and overwhelmed and sad for our gorgeous little boy.

Oh I'm sorry op..he really is very young though.

OP I wouldn’t worry or jump to any conclusions. From what’s you’ve said he sounds like a ‘typical’ 19 month old child. Sounds very similar to my boy who’s a similar age and my older son. Elder one Barely spoke At 2 And now talks amazingly at 4 and has totally chilled out.

They all develop at different rates...I wouldn't start worrying yet. He definitely sounds within the wide range which is "normal" or "typical" for toddlers.

You're doing all the right things, though. It's great that you've got an action plan in place with nursery to help and monitor your DS and that you are following up with HV to get him any help he needs. Don't be upset for him....he'll be fine with such a lovely, caring mum .

I'm more concerned about a nursery manager who is 'concerned' about a 19 month old who doesn't play with other kids or sit still at a table.

I have 4 DCs, one with ASD, so don't like to sweep parents' concerns away. But honestly, MOST 19 month olds don't play with others, lots are a bit rough because their wants are ahead of their language, many will find it hard to sit still, or love wheels.

It's always great to have early support just in case, and you are a lovely and supportive mum to sort it (and he's your lovely sweet baby, diagnosis or not), but please don't let what is clearly an odd nursery staff make you think there is necessarily something wrong.

After the shock has worn off you'll feel better knowing specialists will look and see if there's anything that can be put in place for him. You've helped him get the best start

As he’s so young I would keep an open mind one way or the other. He could change significantly over the next few years and the theory about him being on the spectrum becomes a thing of the past. Or it might be right, in which case it’s wonderful you’re thinking about it so early as he can have the appropriate support the minute he gets to school. Many children get diagnosed much later and it can mean a tricky first few years while teachers and parents try to figure out exactly what’s going on. It’s great that you’re able to consider the possibilities as it means you’ll be able to support his development no matter what happens over the next few years.

Oh love x

He’s really young. If he does have any kind of need that needs support, you’ll be able to get it in place at a young age and that’ll help him with navigating life

Please don’t feel bad you’ve done the right thing.

It’s easy to say don’t worry but try not to at this point. It may autism, it may not be. Diagnosis at this age can be rare as ‘autistic behaviours’ are pretty similar to perfectly ordinary toddler behaviour. It tends to be those children who are very obviously have autism, and are more on the extreme end of the scale, who get diagnosed as toddlers. You’ve done the right thing by setting the wheels in motion in case there is something there. Watch, wait and just enjoy your boy.

I don't have much to add that others haven't said already, except you mentioned you have an 11 week old as well. Could your son be feeling unsettled by the new arrival and acting out a bit more than normal?

For walking, anything up to 18 months is normal development (my dd's been in early intervention since birth so I've had all this drummed into me), and if he's only been on his feet for a couple of months he'll still be clumsy compared to peers who started earlier. Give him plenty of practice on uneven surfaces (up and down steps and slopes, on grass, etc).

Of course you know your son better than any of us and it's good to get the ball rolling on specialist involvement, because these things can take a while. But I also think you don't need to jump to conclusions just yet (easier said than done, I know).

I am glad you had a productive meeting with the nursery. No matter what his behaviour, and their concerns, reeling off a list of complaints at handover, with no time to sit and talk it through, was incredibly unprofessional.

But it sounds as if you, the manager and his keyworker have come up with a way forward together, which is what should have happened in the first place.

Hello op,

Just wanted to send you a huge hug. My eldest is 3.5 and being assessed for ASD. I can’t see how she won’t be diagnosed. I also have an 20 month old. I first got concerned about my eldest when she turned 2, just after her little sister was born. As she developed and her peers developed the differences became more obvious.

The stage you’re at now is the toughest. The not knowing, feeling alone, out of your depth, full of negative thoughts.

Many will try up tell you that there is nothing wrong because they think that’s what will help.

There may well be nothing wrong, but you are doing the absolute right thing to get him assessed.

When I was in the shock you’re experiencing now I looked to the SEN boards on Mumsnet which are ok but quite quiet. But lots of lovely posters.

They redirected me towards a Facebook group called Nurturing Neurodiversity which is full of parents in your position which is often described as a “limbo” stage. I’d really recommend it.

But please don’t despair. Even if your little one is autistic that is not a terrible thing. Comes with challenges but what isn’t?! I’ve started following autistic adults on twitter which is really helpful - people who are lawyers, comedy writers, happily married with kids etc

Sending you strength, positivity and a hug! X

Hi OP glad you've got an update and your concerns haven't just been left. I echo others he is so very very young, but also getting him assessed and on his key workers radar will mean he will get best care and you will have peace of mind that you are meeting his needs the best way you can whatever his needs may be.

I don't know about the autism but good luck with that. With the being clumsy and a bit on the late side with walking I think that is fairly normal with big toddlers.

Thanks for the update.

Please take it all with a pinch of salt as he is a wonderful little boy who will grow and develop into the most perfect big boy!

So many kids weren't diagnosed years ago and had to just deal with it and they have managed to adapt so with today's knowledge your boy will be great!

Congratulations on new baby too.

I think that the nursery are right to raise this issue with you. You need to go back to then and make a plan for what to do moving forward .

Fair enough he’s only young but all these other children he’s hurt or marked will have to get accident forms home so they may be dealing with complaints from other children’s parents as to why they’re coming home with injuries.

Just wanted to thank you all for your words, it has been a rough week for my partner and I and although we've been trying 'not to worry' we can't help analysing every little move he makes which is making us so sad. What were quirky toddler behaviours, now make my stomach lurch. I have noticed more stimming behaviours which all point to autism.

I desperately want to enjoy this time with him and his little sister's first few months, but can't sleep or eat for worry and don't really want to see friends in case I burst into tears (constantly on the verge of this) and they spot his strange behaviours. I am embarrassed that I feel this way.

How do I get past this point? If I'm feeling like this now, god knows what I''ll be like when he is diagnosed. I suffered from maternal anxiety and OCD after his birth and terrified about my mental health deteriorating.

@Allthenumbers. Thanks in particular for your post and wishing you and your daughter luck in this process towards diagnosis and thanks for the tip about Nurturing Neurodiversity.

My dd was diagnosed much older, she said it was nice knowing why but it changed nothing for her.
For us, again it's easier to think through a situation knowing the reasons why.

He still the same boy, his behaviour is still his. You'll just understand him better.

Please just be so kind to yourself. Everything you’re feeling is completely normal and understandable. I’ve literally been where you are - new baby, Small age gap, concerns about eldest’s development. It is very very tough. And on top of everything you probably feel isolated from your friends.

In the end I’ve been very open with friends / other mums which has been helpful on balance. It was a good few months after I’d got a referral before I said anything though.

You will find a way through. And remember there may be nothing wrong.

Regards mental health. I hear you. I’ve struggled in the past too. Perhaps self refer to nhs mental health team in your area / talking therapies.

I take great care of myself as much as time allows as I just wasn’t coping. I find mindfulness really helpful and have the Calm app.

It will be ok op. It will feel better than it does now. I promise. The nurturing nuerodiversity Facebook group was started by a woman who also has an Instagram account. I love her posts there sO maybe check that out. And her YouTube videos. I’ll try to find a link later.

Did you know Daryl Hannah is autistic and Dan Ackroyd? I’m only mentioning because you might be catastrophising like I was and still am sometimes!

m.youtube.com/channel/UCYMO-0EyM0hcWL_KTl7HQjw/videos?disable_polymer=1

Here’s a link to her you tube channel. Some lovely helpful videos there xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3796825-ASD-referral-please-help-me-cope?pg=3

Here is the link to the thread I posted when I was in your position. Got some great advice and support and I thought it might be helpful for you to read too. And also wanted you to know that I feel so so much better now than I did then.