To be really upset by feedback from nursery worker about my toddler.

[Daisy1980a]

I am shocked and have been in tears since picking up my 19-month-old from nursery. As I collected him one of the nursery workers reeled off a list of about 15 negative things he did today including pulling at her so hard she fell off a chair and injured herself, pinching and scratching her, pushing other kids over, taking other kids’ food and milk, throwing food on the floor…the list seemed to go on and on. Basically she implied every other kid in his class is well behaved except him and they didn’t know why.

We have a very big, boisterous toddler who doesn’t know his own strength and we have noticed how he does take other kids’ food and toys and can tend to push them out of the way. He is also very sweet , friendly and loving and people have commented on how lovely and smiley he is but now I am very concerned, especially at the behaviour towards the nursery worker.

My partner and I have never had feedback like this and don’t know what to do with it. Our boy doesn’t have many words and doesn’t seem to understand that much apart from the word ‘No’ but even then he will ignore us sometimes , so how do we teach him not to do these things?

Should we speak to our health visitor or get him assessed somehow? I feel we are massively failing him and want to help him.

we have noticed how he does take other kids’ food and toys and can tend to push them out of the way

And what have you done about this behaviour, apart from notice it?

To be honest it sounds like the nursery worker has taken agin him. Pushed her off a chair.... Ok then. I would want to know if he is doing these things in anger or if he is just a bit of a hurricane. Both can be helped but it needed a positive plan not a list of his "crimes".

Working in childcare sometimes children have bad days just like us and there are no positives to relay and it's better to be informed and work together to iron out any issues. Yes it's rubbish hearing that your little ones been on one but imagine if you weren't told and another parent approached you that would be much worse.

Well he's 19 months, has almost no impulse control, has very limited understanding of cause and consequence and probably doesn't understand very much language. Some kids are more boisterous than others. I don't think what you've described is outside normal behaviour. I would say that usually the person supervising a boisterous toddler needs to be absolutely on it, giving clear, consistent and calm feedback, setting appropriate boundaries using very simple language. They should be pre-empting situations by watching like a hawk.

If I was you, I would not be worried that there was anything radically wrong, but I would be asking the nursery what they are going to do to support your child in nursery. Because that is basically their job.

“We have a very big, boisterous toddler who doesn’t know his own strength and we have noticed how he does take other kids’ food and toys and can tend to push them out of the way.”

What have you done when you’ve noticed this OP

You should teach the key worker about the good old shit sandwich feedback... nice comment, room for improvement, nice comment...

I wouldn’t worry about this behaviour in an 19 month old and agree they shouldn’t list of 15 things and should have mentioned 1.

My sweet 4 year old has been a terror today- most kids don’t know what to do with themselves in this heat- must be so hot in a nursery setting.

My 18 month old sounds similar he’s very boisterous... I think he’ll outgrow this. He’s a hair puller as well 🙄. If he’s being overly aggressive I remove him from the situation and say gentle hands, try to keep calm and please don’t worry.

@ItalianHat
we have noticed how he does take other kids’ food and toys and can tend to push them out of the way

And what have you done about this behaviour, apart from notice it?

What would you recommend?

Another one asking what the punishments you have tried are.
You should also ask the nursery how they are dealing with it so you can be aligned or request something different if unhappy with their approach.
For example: my toddler was given a timeout at nursery and sat by himself for 2 minutes (age related time) when he hit another child. I felt this was fair and we would use the naughty step at home for something similar.
If he did something more seriously home he goes to ‘baby jail’ as my older child has so fondly termed it, which entails 2 minutes alone in his bedroom (baby proofed). He hates this punishment and a warning of it is enough these days, now he’s a bit older.

I wouldn’t leap straight to assessment but work with the nursery. The age old rewarding and praising the good behaviour and being consistent about consequences for the bad will be effective with most toddlers.

Thanks for all your comments, they’ve been really useful. In answer to what I have done about my son’s behaviour. I have of course tried to tackle it and to distract and explain to him why we don’t take other people’s food/toys but I am now seeing I probably need to be much, much stricter. Part of me thought “oh he’s just 19 months old, he’s young he will grow out of it”

On play dates it is sometimes constant though and my other mum friends seems to laugh it off and give him some of their kids’ food.

What do I do if he ignores me? Take him home from the playdate?

He has been at the same nursery since he was a year old and we have never had any bad reports. I am going to speak to the nursery manager. I don’t think it has helped that the staff turnover has been huge, so there hasn’t been that person he/we see regularly and the staff are often occupied by the more nervous children who need to be held. My son is often just roaming about the room exploring and doesn’t have that 1:1 time.

A wider issue is his language and understanding – I am really concerned about this. He does seem behind his peers. I raised this a few months ago with the health visitor and they said they wouldn’t worry until he was 2.

My partner and I try to work on this constantly but it’s not really improving. But how do you know if your child understands but is choosing to ignore you? There’s often a lot of screaming and crying to try and get his point across.

It’s interesting that @ancientgran asks whether he is big for his age. He’s super tall (99 per centile) and is one of the youngest in his class as they are aged 18 months to two and a half.

I don’t think the weather has helped at all, my son is constantly bathed in sweat and not sleeping well.

Wow the comments on here are a bit over the top. This is a baby we are talking about.
How can you deal with behaviour that happened hours before you get there. What are they doing to address it?
When it happens at home he should be told no and removed without too much fuss from the situation if he continues. He’s 19 months old you can’t reason with him even if he does understand a few words.

Agree a consistent approach with the nursery and stick to it at home. Gentle hands, no’s and distraction etc, ask your friends not to hand over their child’s food too as he won’t understand that he can’t take it if on other occasions it’s ok.

The weather won’t be helping anyone either!

When it happens at home he should be told no and removed without too much fuss from the situation if he continues. He’s 19 months old you can’t reason with him even if he does understand a few words.

Agree with this. You can’t treat a 1-year-old like you would a 3-year-old. What are you supposed to do when he’s shoved/hit someone hours before you’ve got there, have a detailed conversation with him about it?

Nursery should be supporting you in dealing with the behaviour by using age-appropriate ways to react at the time and sharing those with you so you’re all on the same page. If they feel he possibly needs further help they should be discussing that with you. They shouldn’t be rattling off a list of ways he’s been difficult and leaving it at that.

...to distract and explain to him

You can't explain this to a 19 month-old. He's far too young to be reasoned with. Even if he does understand, he won't care why he shouldn't do it, he just wants the toy or the food.

What do I do if he ignores me? Take him home from the playdate?

Yes. You physically remove him from the situation, when he refuses to behave, and especially when he is using his larger size and greater strength to physically dominate other children and steal their food/toys.

But how do you know if your child understands but is choosing to ignore you?

It doesn't matter whether he understands the meaning behind the words or not. You have to be firm either way. Most kids will ignore you if you tell them "no" so you have to physically intervene. Don't reason with him. Just do it.

OP can I suggest you do engage with your HV? 19 months... he’s still a baby and with the rotations of his key workers at nursery that can’t be helping; and FWIW I find the illustration of the nursery workers feedback appalling.

I will say this however, get this nipped in the bud now. I’ve seen “big boisterous boys” become social pariahs at playgroups as they are just TOO MUCH and the other kids flee the money they see these boys coming towards a toy they’re playing with.

And IME its always been “big boisterous boys”.

Engage with your HV, get some of the “hands ate not for hitting” books and FGS please be consistent and firm at home.

My DD and DS were both super challenging at that age but I put that down to the arrivals of their siblings (small age gaps here).

But the more I’ve seen then and now I think 18-20 months is a hideously challenging time to parent as they are neither baby nor toddler and big enough to hurt but still too little to “get” discipline.

Good luck.

"...we have noticed how he does take other kids’ food and toys and can tend to push them out of the way"

So you are already aware of his behaviour. When he does this, you tell him "no".

He is very young, 19 months is still a baby. My son was also also much bigger than my friends kids and definitely boisterous and I was worried about whether this would impact him further down the line.

He's now six and at around 3 once he developed and could understand reasoning, it was much easier to teach him what behaviour was appropriate.

He is not one of the boisterous ones in his class anymore although he has his moments like all children. He is very well behaved.

There is no point disciplining or teaching them sooner than they are developmentally ready. Of course you must always stop them gently if they are about to hurt themselves or others. But snatching etc is to be expected at this stage.

I think your nursery worker is not very experienced and probably should not be be working at a nursery if she can't handle a boisterous toddler.

I had a strong boisterous toddler boy and once he got to about 18 months /2 years I just had to be firm with him and say no or remove from a situation for a few minutes. I promise you other parents will understand and be glad you are nipping in the bud. Don’t ignore it and whilst he is still a baby now is also the time to start. Say gentle and show him what it meant.
Come 2-3 we started timeout. Some children are more strong willed than others. Just start now with being firm and please don’t let him take good off other children that is not on.
You and he will get there

Sorry I wasn't clear, saying no or removing from a situation is developmentally appropriate but 'teaching' in terms of explaining won't do much right now.

OP I found this resource really helpful during the toddler years www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/

YES to Janet Lansbury.

Nothing wrong with him at all.

Shocked by the comments on here about 'nipping it in the bud' and being 'appalled'. He's one and a half, fgs! Agree with poster who said he's a big overgrown baby. He's being victimised because his size means he can do more damage and possibly makes the nursery workers assume he is older (so they expect more from him than the incy-wincy cute ones). He's basically an untrained puppy!

That doesn't mean you/nursery can ignore the situation. You need to be consistently saying no to bad behaviour, praising good behaviour and removing him from situations where he is behaving dangerously or upsetting other children. But imo it's going to take a few more months for it to really sink in. So nursery just need to suck it up, stop being lazy and monitor him more closely. I have a bigger boy and have consistently drilled him not to push or snatch toys, be careful of other children, take turns and look where he's going so he doesn't run into other children. It's only the past few months (he's coming up to 3) that he's been consistently demonstrating these behaviours without me shadowing and reminding.

It’s very hot and he had a bad day.

I imagine the nursery worker also had a hot/bad day!

The biggest issue here is such high staff turnover - that is not a good sign in a nursery.

Also, agree completely with the poster above that nursery are being completely unreasonable to expect you to deal with behaviour that happened hours ago. Toddlers have no concept of time. All they can expect from you is that you are on the same page as them regarding discipline and have a consistent approach...THEY then need to deal with bad behaviour at nursery.

Be calm and consistent at home with the gentle hands and saying 'no' & removing item/him from situation if being physically rough/taking food etc from other children.

However, as others have said, he is only 19 months old - still basically a baby. If he is big for his age people will judge him as they would an older child - my ds1 is going into P5 and, while it's way less of an issue as he's got older, I still have to point out to teachers sometimes that while he's one of the tallest in the class he is also the youngest.

I would think if the nursery worker cant cope with challenging toddler behaviour she's in the wrong job! They need to be properly supervising him and intercepting his behaviour before it escalates, as you need to at home also.

@Daisy1980a It’s interesting that @ancientgran asks whether he is big for his age. He’s super tall (99 per centile) and is one of the youngest in his class as they are aged 18 months to two and a half Exactly like my son 99 per centile and youngest in the room but people assuming he is the oldest, there is a massive difference between 19 months and two and half years. I bet if he was a dainty little thing nothing would be said. He should be getting just as much attention as the nervous ones. I'd definitely have a word with the manager.