7 year old just punched me in the face

[SomeonesRealName]

Forgot to hide his PS4 controllers this morning (he has to do learning first) and so took them off him when he got up. He went berserk yelling at me and hitting at me, saying he would smash our TV. I gave him a warning and tried to distract him but then he continued so I tried to put him in time out and that's when he punched me in the face with a closed fist. It really hurt. His timer finished but he was still giving me attitude and tbh I felt nowhere near ready to hug and make up. He's still on the step. Any advice?

@SomeonesRealName

No additional needs but he has a very hot temper. He has time outs and a token system happy tokens for good behaviour that he can trade for gaming time and sad tokens for bad behaviour which means he's not allowed any treats until the token is paid off. Any ideas for something more age appropriate? I've told him we'll discuss consequences later (when I calm down)

If that happened in my house he would be banned from the PS4 and treats for a week at least. My son has Asperger's and two years ago we had to get tough on PS3 use at bedtime. He was allowed to use it after schoolwork had been done and eating dinner so around an hour, but he had to turn it off at bedtime, no arguments or I would take it into my room. All going well but one evening caught him on it after lights out. So without arguing (gets you nowhere with Aspergers) I walked in, turned it off at the plug and unplugged it. Had it in my hands and he went mad at me, yanking on the console to get it off me. As he tugged sharply, he pulled my shoulder out, tore my rotator cuff and I yelped as it hurt! He immediately snapped out the anger and cried but he was banned from all mixed media, PC, PS3 and TV for a month. He didn't even argue it.

I find the best way is not to argue, or enter into debate. A firm, calm, no, and removal and do not engage with anger.
In my day you would of course have got a tap on the arse but that is pointless as violence after violence solves nothing. But he does need to calm down and then what I call a reaction to an action sit down calmly and explain what has happened, why it is wrong, do they understand why it is wrong and then consequently of what they have done.
My pair know now that it's coming when they fuck up and they don't even question it.
It's far better for instilling values and making them understand they are being punished and why, to punish without explanation solves nothing

My children's behaviour improved with play dates and socialising with kids so arrange out for fun for him tomorrow but cancel it if he's naughty, you need another family member to have a word with him about his behaviour

You need back up and support as a punch like that is v disturbing
No console for a few days at least

These screens, games etc do something to children's brains. Turn them into little monsters.

Oh OP that is terrible.
This type of behaviour really needs nipping in the bud before he gets bigger and stronger.

A mother I knew was advised to call the police on her son.. it seemed extreme.. he never did anything like punch her in the face, but put his fist through doors, and once used a hatchet to break down a door to get to a confiscated electronic item.. I think a phone.

Anyway, she did call the police and they were marvellous.

He never behaved that way again..

They were both men( the Coppers) and one of them spoke to her son for about half an hour in private.

Boys can get very hungry.. and hunger can make them angry but hitting you like this is worrying and if it was me, I’d be looking for help from a strong male role model..
“ Raising Boys” was a very good book that friend wishes she’d read earlier.

Kids know ( much as horses and dogs do) when you are genuinely alarmed and afraid, and this can make behaviour worse.
You HAVE to regain control.

Your son HAS to respect you, as in, never hit you.

I sympathise.. it isn’t easy.

The electronics are a red herring and shouldn't be the focus. The issue is that your child has huge issues with managing his anger and you need to deal with that.

So yes, consequences absolutely - removal of games etc for a certain amount of time is absolutely a good one. Other consequences could be him having to do x or y such as additional chores or whatever.

But you need to get on top of this. it's a very very difficult time and children are struggling so I'm sympathetic. But a child who can't control himself at the age of 7 is going to face much more significant problems as he gets older. Only you can work out what's best. At 7, I'd think he's old enough for a very serious talk about why this isn't okay. And perhaps a talk about how he can help to manage his temper. Combined with consequences, I'd hope that would have some effect.

It's also not a once off conversation. You need to engage with him on this stuff regularly.

@Mrskeats

An 8 year old with a phone? Just why? Ridiculous.

He WhatsApps his dad and plays Roblox. It was cheaper to get him a phone than a tablet.

What games is he playing?!?!
Take the PS4 away-

Don't return it until he can control his behaviour.

We had a webinar with the school for my KS3 kids and they had a whole section on limiting screen time and gaming in children much older.
Your son is not able to control his emotions or regulate his own screen time- he needs help to do this.
He should have known that he wasn't to play in the morning not just carried on because you forgot to take the controllers. He should not have been that upset when they were taken away if the no play before school rule is normally enforced.
He assaulted you. That needs sever consequences.

For what it’s worth.. Food and lots of physical exercise can help.
Star charts and tokens might work with girls, but boys are very different

There was a great cartoon by Posy Simmonds In the Guardian once that showed a little boy with a brand new bike..

His friend said “Twicycle!”
The boy said “ Yes, I got it by pushing and saying s...t a lot”

Implying that reward systems can be misunderstood!

I agree with PP, your DS cannot cope with the PS4/gaming and you're not doing him any favours allowing him to be addicted to something when he is too young to hope to regulate himself. You need to accept that this form of entertainment is not for him, not for the foreseeable future.

'gaming rage' OP. Get rid of the console permanently.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/mental-wealth/201212/video-game-rage

@SomeonesRealName, how did the talk go? What did you decide to do?

I wouldn't send him to his room as he probably has energy to burn, but I would remove the ps4 for a least a few weeks.

We removed all screens for a whole summer from our dd, who has aspergers, after she was aggressive and after a week the difference in her behaviour and demeanor was incredible. They really do something to their brains, and not in a good way.

Hope you work through this

Part of cartoon:

He needs to know that using violence is a red line that he can't cross, which is why the consequence needs to be strong. I wouldn't get angry either. I'd be disappointed and sad and let him know that.

I'd make him write an essay about why violence is unacceptable and no console for a week. I'd have him assessed by a pediatric developmental pediatrician as it sounds like he needs additional support as well as you.

I do think it's devices that elicit this extreme behaviour I see it in my two over Minecraft on iPads.

So we have screen free days - they don't have unfettered access to electronics but all other toys available.

It's unusual times of course OP and you've been working but if he was left to his own devices (no pun intended) but with things set out and available for him like colouring - drawing - Lego - toys etc then I bet his behaviour would drastically improve - I do think kids get addicted to gaming and it's a fine line.

He punched you in the face? PS4 away for a month. He needs to understand what he did was extreme and completely unacceptable. He needs to know that if he punches people in anger when he's a teen-ager or adult he could be jailed. It's that serious. Nip it in the bud NOW before you have an abusive teen who knows from experience that you are a pushover.

Play Station and its similar items can be so very addictive. Maybe it needs to go? If it can induce behaviour like this, then it does not sound the right thing for him to have.

Just thinking that the start of your day involves hiding something OP, seems wrong somehow?
Absolutely agree!
A 7 year old punching in the face can bloody hurt especially if unexpected. At 7 he knows exactly what he is doing if he is NT. If it's not dealt with immediately this behaviour can escalate and repeat and soon become unmanageable.
Personally I do think happy tokens and rewards are not appropriate for kids over 5 unless there are unusual circumstances. By that age they should know that there are are consequences to both good and bad behaviour without totting up a chart every week. I do know people that will disagree and it may well work for them.

The root of the problem here is the lad cannot be told no and has has anger reacting to being told this. I do agree with others that consoles can be very addictive. OP you have a lot of parenting skills to make up , especially if you are questioning a day without electronics for a child! However you need to regain control before this becomes his normal. It hurts now and it will be hard work for you but it is better than having a 10 , 14, 17 disrespecting you and hurting you.

The OPs parenting does sound a bit wish washy at the moment but it can be changed with firmer boundaries and not making excuses for his horrendous behaviour towards her.

BlingLoving
*
The electronics are a red herring and shouldn't be the focus. The issue is that your child has huge issues with managing his anger and you need to deal with that.*

Agree... Anger like this is nothing to do with gaming.. kids were angry long before games were ever thought of.. T V used to be blamed.

But it is about Boundaries and anger management
Professional help is needed if this level of violence is happening at 7.
Food and exercise and good boundaries.

The games are a side issue.

I do think it's devices that elicit this extreme behaviour I see it in my two over Minecraft on iPads.

Be that as it may, devices, electronics etc are here to stay. You teach your children how to cross the road from when they're young and in the 21st century we need to teach them now to manage their use of electronic devices and how it makes them feel.

I have zero sympathy for this idea that "oh, it's all the devices' fault". They are a tool and we all need to learn how to use or not use them. if you think your children are too young to cope, then by all means, choose to remove them. But if your children have them, then you need to figure out how to manage it.

"The electronics are a red herring and shouldn't be the focus. The issue is that your child has huge issues with managing his anger and you need to deal with that."

This. As usual though people on MN just see the word "console" and start the usual shit about gaming being the tool of the devil and act as though consoles haven't been around for the past 40 years.

Back in the distant past of the early 90s my favourite thing was my Super Nintendo and I was allowed on it as much as I wanted. (And I've managed to hold down a job, have friendships and relationships despite still enjoying gaming in my 30s!)

It would never have crossed my mind to hit my mother no matter how much she annoyed me because having it taken away would be the least of my worries then...

It's OPs apparent passive attitude to her son's behaviour that's the issue, not the playstation. OF COURSE being in his room with no entertainment would be boring for him; that's the point!

The electronics are a huge issue. They are altering behaviour in young people. Many studies on this.

If my child hit me , boy would they regret it. I cant stand kids talking back or being cheeky and disrespectful to their parents. I wouldn't give him his controllers for two weeks.

1 day no xbox for punching you in the face? 1 week minimum you are far too soft and it's encouraging this behaviour. My 7 year olds maximum reaction would be to huff and slam a door. Violence is an absolute taboo.