Mother in laws guide to babies

[nervousnellyisnervous]

Looking for submissions for a mother in laws guide to parenting. Please post random things you didn't know about how to raise your baby.

Mine is - on a hot day I didn't put a vest under my baby's dress. And mother in law kindly said to my baby, are you poor, will mummy not allow you a vest?

Is this a thing? Am I supposed to have her in vests all the time? Even when hot?

Because I didn't know this... I would love parenting tips from everyone's mother in law, since they're the experts.

My DM once told us that breastfeeding was unnatural... and that's when we stopped listening to any of the advice she tried to give

Both my Mum and MIL gave me some old fashioned and at times downright weird advice when my children were babies, and my MIL still does at times. My Mum is dead, or she probably would too. I don't think only MILs do this, and mainly it comes from a place of love, so I bite my tongue and then do my own thing. It can be frustrating of course. I think on the whole people vent on threads like this because they can't say anything to their MIL as it is likely to upset them. Most people have closer and more robust relationships with their own mothers so can discuss these things without it precipitating an argument. Or at least if it does, it is soon forgiven and forgotten. That's less likely with ILs so sometimes people just need a space to vent.
My MIL was really supportive of me breastfeeding but every time we discussed it she would tell me how she had to give up after a few weeks because she didn't make enough milk.Then I would sympathise and explain that it was almost certainly the poor advice she was given that caused the problems, not anything "wrong" with her, upon which she would start regurgitating the early 1960s advice that she remembered and urging me to follow it. Outwardly I would smile and nod, but inwardly I would be thinking " Hang on, we've just established that bf is working well for me but didn't for you, so why on earth do you want me to follow the advice that sabotaged you?!" I rarely said anything, though I did put my foot down over the cup of boiling water she tried to insist I sterilised my nipples with before each feed.
She also had this habit of trying to "support" me breastfeeding in public by standing on one side of me holding her coat open and making FIL do the same on the other side to create a kind of tent. So well meant, but so not helpful....I never knew quite what to say.

@MrsAvocet

Both my Mum and MIL gave me some old fashioned and at times downright weird advice when my children were babies, and my MIL still does at times. My Mum is dead, or she probably would too. I don't think only MILs do this, and mainly it comes from a place of love, so I bite my tongue and then do my own thing. It can be frustrating of course. I think on the whole people vent on threads like this because they can't say anything to their MIL as it is likely to upset them. Most people have closer and more robust relationships with their own mothers so can discuss these things without it precipitating an argument. Or at least if it does, it is soon forgiven and forgotten. That's less likely with ILs so sometimes people just need a space to vent. My MIL was really supportive of me breastfeeding but every time we discussed it she would tell me how she had to give up after a few weeks because she didn't make enough milk.Then I would sympathise and explain that it was almost certainly the poor advice she was given that caused the problems, not anything "wrong" with her, upon which she would start regurgitating the early 1960s advice that she remembered and urging me to follow it. Outwardly I would smile and nod, but inwardly I would be thinking " Hang on, we've just established that bf is working well for me but didn't for you, so why on earth do you want me to follow the advice that sabotaged you?!" I rarely said anything, though I did put my foot down over the cup of boiling water she tried to insist I sterilised my nipples with before each feed. She also had this habit of trying to "support" me breastfeeding in public by standing on one side of me holding her coat open and making FIL do the same on the other side to create a kind of tent. So well meant, but so not helpful....I never knew quite what to say.

Oh dear. I know it’s serious but this made me laugh so loudly. Does your mil not have nipples? How could she advise sterilizing them with boiling water!!!

To be fair Grumpy, English isn't my MIL's first language and I think she probably confused "cooled boiled water" with "boiling water". The former is of course unnecessary and not a great idea as washing your nipples removes the natural oil/antibacterial agents that are produced by Montgomery's tubercles around the nipples, but at least its not likely to land you in the local burns unit! But she was insistent that the water needed to be hot enough to sterilise nipples, because you have to sterilise bottle teats so the same rule should apply. I am normally fairly non confrontational and will try to keep the peace as much as possible but this was one thing I was definitely not prepared to back down on!!

DIL is due to give birth next month, I will be keeping my mouth firmly shut.

Well here's a nice one to balance it out a little. The best advice my mother in law ever gave me. Just trust your instincts you're a lovely mum and you know what's best for your baby. I love that woman, can't wait to give her a big hug.

My DM - “I’m more their grandmother than SHE is!” (Jealous rage when discovering my MIL was visiting from the other side of the country....) Quietly explained genetics to her.
My MIL insisting that she had the right to educated my children on the “real world we live in, instead of your idealistic fairyland!” (This means that she is allowed to be as racist, homophobic and further right-wing than Hitler because we are not allowed to have opinions that differ to hers, or teach our kids our values instead of hers.)

SnowsInWater

Good idea! Give advice if it’s asked for. Otherwise no woman wants their mother or MIL giving unsolicited advice with a new baby.

I returned to find her eating boiled eggs, toast with butter and a sippy cup of milky tea - she had never had eggs, dairy or wheat before

Apart from the tea I'm struggling to see the problem here.

@Haworthia that is horrific! And does sound a lot like the shit mil comes out with!

I don't see this as being a mean thread. It's just a getting things off your chest and having a bit of a laugh thread. I am sure my mil has made comments about me before to friends or whoever to let off steam. We all do it. My mil is not the only person to have made odd comments. My dm has, my df has. As a new mum, you get random advice from everyone at a time you are finding your feet. It's nice to be able to offload on an anonymous forum. My mil used to try to hang onto my dd when I knew she was hungry... If I become a mil in the future, I'm already thinking about what I would or would not do or say.

My advice would be not to sweat the small stuff, nothing your MIL has said is outrageous, so just relax because it makes you look like one of those overbearing first time mothers.

Completely agree with @MrsAvocet (also massively laughing at the coat thing, meant kindly as you say but so hilarious and unnecessary). This is a thread to vent. My MIL is annoying, she has very little self awareness and I'm sure she has plenty to say about me and my parenting/way of life as she's very traditional and probably can't believe it's right that DH does cooking, childcare etc.

But she absolutely adores my DC (more so my older DC ) and I know she would never deliberately cause them harm. And so I let everything she says go - to be honest she has a talent for offhand comments and statements so you're too blindsided to think of a response anyway. As a result we have a perfectly nice relationship. As the pp said my own DM might give some strange advice but I'm comfortable to quickly bat the advice away.

This is the woman who once said to me "DS1 will be my main grandchild." This is after the birth of BIL's first DC. We've both gone on to have one more each and I can confirm that DS1 is still very much her "main" grandchild. So don't give her too much sympathy!

Sorry to clarify my post above, it was MIL not DM who said about the "main grandchild".

One day we will be the mother/mother in law giving advice too ☺️

My MIL is lovely and very supportive but while I was pregnant she was very worried my cat was out to murder my baby.
She was convinced that the cat was going to "steal his breath".
I had to buy a cat net for the cot to calm her down, which we have never used anyway because the cat cant get in the bedroom at night and has absolutely zero interest in the baby.

The problem is people rigidly dispensing the advice they were given as new parents.

Medical and child psychology/development evidence moves on over a generation. I suppose it’s difficult to take that on board if you’re happy with how your dc turned out.

No unsolicited advice is probably the safest way forward, and not just to new parents.

My MIL is brilliant - mostly, I believe, because she had an awful, critical MIL herself. She only ever gives advice when asked and she's been incredibly supportive, especially in the early days. I'm very fortunate that she treats all her grandchildren equally and is kind and interested in their lives.

It's my DM who has made the most outdated comments - mostly on breastfeeding - she didn't feed me so was completely unaware of cluster feeding etc. and I think she probably feels she missed out. Because she's my DM I can tell her directly that advice has changed and she accepts that without getting huffy. She did tell me some corkers from her mum though. Apparently if you tickle a baby's feet it gives them fits!

As most PP have said, a lot of these comments come from MILs remembering bringing up their own children and wanting to help. If you don't have the sort of relationship where you can say things directly to them, then venting on here is going to happen.

The problem is people rigidly dispensing the advice they were given as new parents.

This is the crux of it.

Only some people have the self awareness and intelligence to realise that the fields of science, medicine, psychology etc are always progressing and finding new information and better ways of doing things, so what was the done thing at one point might be superseded by a better method later.

I can’t imagine sitting there in three decades insisting that my grown DS do something a certain way with his baby just because that’s how I did it with him... The pursuit of knowledge doesn’t stagnate!

Things as so different to 30 years ago when my mum & MIL had us.

Both my mum & MIL were never given the option of BF so they don't have a clue. Plus they had so little info compared to us with the internet they seem to cling on to every bit of knowledge they do have which most of the time is not the advice these days!

I've had to bite my tongue on many an occasion. I had a FTT baby which my mil insisted did not need feeding again. Then threw her heavy winter coat over the baby so no one could see me feed. It's all changed now my SIL has had a baby and is still BF 2 years later.

My mum thought my nieces low weight gain was linked to the volume of water my SIL was drinking so the breast milk was too watery

She was convinced that the cat was going to "steal his breath"

It sounds a very old-fashioned turn of phrase but I don't think it's such a daft idea. I had to have a cat net over the cot as the the cat would do anything to bloody get in there. I did keep the door shut as well, obviously, but cats are sneaky at silly a.m. And it showed a lot of interest in the baby - mostly her feet for some inexplicable reason.

Both my mum & MIL were never given the option of BF so they don't have a clue

Thirty years ago I was made to feel a failure by nurses in the hospital because I was finding breast feeding so difficult. They even gave me a 'talk' about how it was best to breast feed and I needed to stick with it. I can't imagine not being given an option. Surely women have always known that you feed babies milk from your breasts.

Too many!
Pushing buggy on any kind of rocky/cobbles will cause shaken baby syndrome (that did cause me to panic a little and a lot of googling)
DD has too many toys (but MIL continues to buy absolute shit)
Baby needs bedding in cot, bumpers and blanket etc. "Surely one bumped will be okay, it's just so pretty"
When DD cry's its always trapped wind.

I don’t think it’s a nasty thread, and I say that as a MIL.

It’s funny and it’s people getting things off their chest. Some people need to unclench. Not everything on the internet is a personal attack on you.

I’m particularly enjoying the suggestion that DIL “ use “ their MIL for childcare. Because obviously the children only belong to DILs and not sons.

They will be the same MIL complaining that they never get to see their Grandchildren .

Some MIL on this thread seen unaware of the first lesson of being a MIL. Which is

Be very nice to your DIL ( or SIL or sons partner ) or you will see less of your grandchildren.

Being nice means no unasked for advice whatsoever, unless it’s A life or death situation. And smile and nod a lot. Zero bitchy or passive aggressive comments whatsoever.

And keep your sense of humour and a sense of perspective. Ask yourself “ Will it matter in 10 years? “ . If they answer is no then button it.

Here endeth the first lesson.

I’m particularly enjoying the suggestion that DIL “ use “ their MIL for childcare

I was repeating what I've read on here many times. I use my mum/mil/sister for childcare 3 days a week. It always jars. Maybe it's just me.