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Original poster

Getting rid of the dummy for a nearly 6 year old

485 replies

Totallyawinetaster · 17/06/2020 10:53

Hi all, I need some advice on how to get rid of my nearly 6 year old DD's dummy. We have tried everything to convince her to give it up and nothing has worked. I know she's really old to still be having a dummy, but now she is so attracted to it that she won't even consider giving it up.

We've been through the dummy fairy, giving it to Santa, the Easter Bunny taking it, we've read all the books, tried bribery, threats, we've lost it, forgot it going on holiday, everything. You name it we've tried it. Everytime it ends in a fit of crying and screaming, and she ends up with the dummy.

Part of me wants to believe that she'll stop using it on her own, but I can't see it anytime soon. Does anyone have any advice?

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ineedaholidaynow · 17/06/2020 21:47

Don't give in now. What would be the point? She always knows you give in, you mustn't this time

DeRigueurMortis · 17/06/2020 21:47

You're doing well op. Id give her as many cuddles as she wants tonight even if she is tantrumming and apparently hates you.

Sorry I disagree.

Tantrums don't get the reward of cuddles.

They get ignored.

By all means once she's tantrumed out then go and give her a huge cuddle - but any hint of dummy manipulation you walk away.

Rinse and repeat as necessary.

You can't teach her that bad behaviour gets rewards/attention.

HarrysMummy17 · 17/06/2020 21:49

Stay strong. My 6 year old once had a tantrum/meltdown for over 2 hours. It was tough. Thanks

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DeRigueurMortis · 17/06/2020 21:50

FFS tell your DH to get a grip.

She's nearly 6 and is ruling the roost.

When she wants a bottle of vodka at 15 is he going to give in?

NO MORE DUMMIES.

Unforgettablefire · 17/06/2020 21:52

@Sasaz

Dummies will be the least of your problems if you don’t start standing up to her tantrums
This!! My sister is nearly 50 and still taking tantrums because she never heard the word no!
Original poster
Totallyawinetaster · 17/06/2020 21:52

@DeRigueurMortis

You're doing well op. Id give her as many cuddles as she wants tonight even if she is tantrumming and apparently hates you.

Sorry I disagree.

Tantrums don't get the reward of cuddles.

They get ignored.

By all means once she's tantrumed out then go and give her a huge cuddle - but any hint of dummy manipulation you walk away.

Rinse and repeat as necessary.

You can't teach her that bad behaviour gets rewards/attention.

That's exactly what we are doing. She knows she can have a cuddle but she's not getting a dummy. We're finding it very tough, but we can't give it even if we wanted to.
OP posts:
Original poster
Totallyawinetaster · 17/06/2020 21:54

To be honest if we had a dummy available I probably would have given it to her by now.

OP posts:
MissSmith80 · 17/06/2020 21:56

Stay strong OP - I hope you've got a glass of something nice to enjoy when she finally caves? It will get better x

DeRigueurMortis · 17/06/2020 21:57

It is tough OP but you've got to do this and having got so far to need to see it through.

Every time you break you just push the boundaries further and escalate her response.

So push on through as hard as it is.

There are a whole lot of MNetters wishing you well.

Thanks
iknowimcoming · 17/06/2020 21:57

Nooo stay strong, giving in now means you and her will only suffer more and for longer next time you try. Short term pain for long term gain! You can do this don't give in!

sunlight81 · 17/06/2020 21:58

Good luck!!

backseatcookers · 17/06/2020 21:59

DH says that I should have kept one back just incase we need it, but I know I'd of just given in.

Although he has suggested that we turn the house upside down to look for a dummy as a backup, I'm not budging.

Bloody hell what a wet blanket! I'd be so annoyed by this.

How is he going to cope when she's having teenage meltdowns?

Don't concede and make it clear how fucked off you'll be if he orders one or anything for a quiet life. He would be letting you and her down for his own benefit.

You might be in for few nights like this but this time next week (probably sooner) she'll be settled and you'll be pleased with yourselves.

ScottishStottie · 17/06/2020 21:59

Every time in the past that youve given in and given her a dummy is whats led to this meltdown now. If you hadnt caved the first time it wouldnt be anywhere near as bad. If you cave this time itll be that much worse the next...

Children learn from behaviours and responses and youve tought her over the years that if she tantrums she gets a dummy. So of course shes upset now. Its you thats changed the goalposts. However you should never have put the goalposts there in the first place and unfortunately have to deal with the consequences.

Drivingdownthe101 · 17/06/2020 22:01

Just remember... if you give in now you’ll only be going through this exact same scenario in weeks/months/years time, and it won’t be any easier then.

PrayingandHoping · 17/06/2020 22:01

Your hubbie will be off down the local 24 hour supermarket to buy one if you're not as firm with him too as you are DD!

Stay strong! The answer is no to both of them

dobbyssoc · 17/06/2020 22:05

Would you be this torn if one of your other DC was tantruming because they wanted something?

NuffSaidSam · 17/06/2020 22:06

I wouldn't see this behaviour as a tantrum tbh OP. She's probably genuinely really upset.

You had to get rid of the dummies. But you should have done it after a chat and prepared her. Waiting for her to go to the toilet and then just taking them out of the blue was a bit mean (I know it's too late now!).

I just think she needs some sympathy at the moment and not to be treated like she's being naughty/having a stop.

You've taken away, with absolutely no warning, something that she's used for comfort her whole life. She's completely entitled to be really, really cross and upset.

Polkadotpjs · 17/06/2020 22:09

I agree that cuddles are fine and probably needed. If you've never stayed firm in a thing before she'll be bewildered but having gone so far you must not give in. If she had a quiet bit then try and talk about how it needs to happen and you're sorry she's upset and you should have done this earlier but when it's gone she can have some treats that big girls get.

CantKeepSecrets · 17/06/2020 22:10

You've got this OP! Just remember what you put off now will only be something you'll have to face in the future. You really are doing it for her. The first night is going to be the absolute hardest , stay strong you can't keep giving a 6 year old a dummy!

Raaaa · 17/06/2020 22:11

I'd agree that you can't cave now and go out a get her a dummy as next time will be even harder to get her off them again. You've got this far stay strong 💪🏻

Original poster
Totallyawinetaster · 17/06/2020 22:15

It was really just a moment of weakness from DH, he wants them gone as much as me. I know it might seem a bit mean, but we've been trying to get rid of the dummies for almost 2 years now. Her sister gave hers up when she was almost 4, although she was much less bothered about the dummy and only really had it at night. So we thought 4 would be a good age to get her to stop. We tell her regularly that they need to go and that she's too big for them, it's only now that we've stuck to our guns.

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pinktaxi · 17/06/2020 22:15

I've tried binning them before, but she throws the most almighty tantrum, and I always give in

Well don't give in 🤦‍♀️

DeRigueurMortis · 17/06/2020 22:20

Nuff

The OP has tried this multiple times.

The nice chats and dummy fairy have been done and not succeed because the OP caved in.

We're not talking about a toddler here.

It's well past the stage where preparing the child is helpful - rather that would have resulted in additional anxiety of what was about to happen and even sabotage in terms of hiding dummies.

It's simply a case of cracking on and seeing through.

OP hope you're making progress but be realistic that you might have days of this - but remember if you break now you're just upping the distress, severity and length of the response for next time.

sygnetswan · 17/06/2020 22:21

It will be so hard for her as it's something that's been her comforter for as long as she can remember. I would give her plenty of cuddles.

Original poster
Totallyawinetaster · 17/06/2020 22:26

She's been quite for about 10 minutes I'm going up to check on her

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