Getting rid of the dummy for a nearly 6 year old

[Totallyawinetaster]

Hi all, I need some advice on how to get rid of my nearly 6 year old DD's dummy. We have tried everything to convince her to give it up and nothing has worked. I know she's really old to still be having a dummy, but now she is so attracted to it that she won't even consider giving it up.

We've been through the dummy fairy, giving it to Santa, the Easter Bunny taking it, we've read all the books, tried bribery, threats, we've lost it, forgot it going on holiday, everything. You name it we've tried it. Everytime it ends in a fit of crying and screaming, and she ends up with the dummy.

Part of me wants to believe that she'll stop using it on her own, but I can't see it anytime soon. Does anyone have any advice?

@Bunnybigears it’s a ridiculous analogy imho designed only to make the mum feel rubbish.

She’s clearly a good mum trying her best.

I think the anti dummy fervour is in part a class issue

@Alwaystwomagpies I don't think the "outrage" at this is due to class, it's due to it being about a 6 year old child.

3 kids, 2 thumb suckers, one to a ripe old age. It’s the non- thumb sucker (never had a dummy) who is braced up. Loads of kids need braces and ironically it’s the ones with very clear issues who get the free treatment. Don’t think anyone can remember who did what by the age they have them.

By all means, persist. But not because she’ll need braces if she doesn’t stop.

Alwaystwomagpies well it's certainly not a class issue on my behalf. I think OP is probably an average mum just like me most of the mums out there trying their best and sometimes getting it wrong and sometimes you need someone to tell you what you are doing/not doing is harmful

@Alwaystwomagpies I don't think the "outrage" at this is due to class, it's due to it being about a 6 year old child

^ this, many have said their own dc had dummies, I don't think anyone has really said anything bad about using them, it's the age that is causing 'outrage' tied in with the dentists concerns

@LittleBearPad

There are some extreme responses here.

Loads of kids have braces, including head gear with no dummies. Lots of older kids suck their thumbs too.

It’s better than it was, it will get better again in time.

Why would you do something that leads to your child wearing braces? Absolutely ridiculous 6 years old is not a baby no matter how you want to dress it up.

I’ve never personally known anyone to have a dummy at 6!! You only get one set of adult teeth and teeth are important!!

That's such a shame OP

You were doing so well

My concern (other than the dummy) is that your daughter has learned that you will always give in if she kicks off

I really really hope you don't buy her any more but I suspect I'm wrong

At least please make sure she doesn't have it in the day

Such a shame for her and for you

Really sad that the dummy is back. OP you remind me of my parents when I was growing up. They would say no, but I knew if I screamed and shouted, they would give in and let me do what I wanted. I was a total nightmare as a teenager. And I really, really resent them for it now. Please start parenting and putting your child first.

This thread is pointless. I think YOU don’t want her to give up the dummy OP.

You think you’re protecting her but you really are not.

Stop letting a five year old get the better of you. Bin the Dummy. Tell her she is too old for it. I think all dummys are disgusting. None of my DC had s dummy. I have seen children drop them on the floor and pick them up and stick them back in their mouth. Don't give in to tantrums.

At the age of almost 6 unless she has learning disabilities she ought to have good enough language and understanding skills to be told 'you're now too big for a dummy, now you're almost 6 you're able to do this this and this that babies can't do, so if you want to do these big girl activities (ride a bike, scooter, play on trampoline etc) then you can't have it both ways!
Simple clear message they all go in the bin and you all move on with your life and your daughter is safe in her belief that you as the parent are looking after her and making the decisions.

Oh ffs there is so much crap on this thread I'm having a hard time actually taking it seriously. Op. Do what works for you. Your needs are important too. My eldest didn't give up his dummy until nearly 7. I have three kids. He is the only one who doesn't need a brace. Youngest never had a dummy and is borderline. It's not ideal but if your sleep is compromised and your kid is traumatised it's clearly not a hill worth dying on right now.

All the people on here who have never had to deal with this in quite such a concentrated (and frankly fucking awful) situation, just be thankful. I have 3. Only one struggled in the same way that the OP's D.C. has and it's awful. I never told anyone because I know I'd have been met with the same sanctimonious bollocks as the op has been given. Guess what? My eldest is 18, doesn't need braces and although is asd/adhd has not suffered as a result of me letting him keep an object of comfort until he was emotionally ready to let it go. Ffs. One size does not fit all and this is why we don't say it out loud because there is so much judgement and a whole lack of nuance and awareness.

This is not about the dummy.

This is about the OP babying her DD and giving in when she should be affirming her authority. She could be 30 with a dummy but the problem is that she knows that if she cries and screams enough she gets what she wants. That is not parenting.

@Bobbiepin

This is not about the dummy.

This is about the OP babying her DD and giving in when she should be affirming her authority. She could be 30 with a dummy but the problem is that she knows that if she cries and screams enough she gets what she wants. That is not parenting.

Yup

You really need to do it again tonight and tell her you were upset and didn't want her upset too but that it was wrong because she needs to lose the dummy because she can manage without. And offer the treat/ reward again

This little girl is going to walk all over you as she gets older.

This ^

This is infuriating to read. You put your daughter through a couple of nights of distress just to ultimately give in to her. I stopped my daughter having her dummy when she was two. I wanted to get rid of it anyway but it sort of wasn't planned when it was done - we couldn't find it one night before bed so we realised we'd have to get on with bedtime without it. About an hour in my husband found a dummy but we realised that if we'd got that far we should try and see it through. She never knew that we found it and she went to sleep without it. Once she'd done it once we knew that she could do it again. I think we had 2 or 3 nights where she was upset about it. After that she would ask for it but without getting upset and then she just forgot about it. I can imagine its much harder to do it with a 6 year old than a 2 year old (DD is now 6) but the need to do it now is even greater. Its not her fault that you've let her have it for this long. It's not her fault that she's so distressed at the idea of not having something you'd let her have for such a long time. And it's not her fault that she doesn't understand boundaries. All of that is down to you. But she is the one who is going to struggle when she doesn't get her own way because you've never given her the skills to manage that. It's not just about her teeth, it's about understanding that you can't have everything you want no matter how much you scream and shout. That's an important lesson that she needs to learn and you're not doing anything to help her to do that. I really feel for your daughter.

Also OP CLEAN YOUR HOUSE, every nook, every drawer,every room then she won't "just find" random dummies!!! Ffs...

I think @Totallyawinetaster you need to be honest with yourself and realise that actually you don't truly want her to not have her dummy... and you need to figure out why that is.

That’s a lot of distress for nothing I’m sorry you had bad news but it seems so unfair to upset your DD that much for nothing. Carrying on wouldn’t be the easy option, but it would have been the fairest option for your DD. Now she doesn’t know where she stands or whether you’ll really mean it next time. So confusing for her. Expect her to kick off twice as hard next time now. Please don’t try to remove it again until you are prepared to 100% stick it out that time.

And yes, please speak to your daughter about the next attempt, give her some warning and put a plan in place. It must have been a horrible shock for her to have it sprung on her like that, which no doubt contributed to her reaction.

Hi,I just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel...my youngest daughter is 12 now and had her dummy at bedtime until she was a bit older than your daughter.
She was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder that affected her every single day.
I was so worried about her teeth because when she put her teeth together the was a big gap,and she struggled to bite on her front teeth,our dentist told me it’s not the worst thing in the world and that she has had patients in their teens that still suck their thumb,but parents are never shamed for that! She gave it up and stopped when she was ready,I was advised by more than one healthcare professional that she would when we got her anxiety under control.We found coping strategies for her and she didn’t want or need it anymore! And within 2 weeks the gap between her top and bottom teeth went,like they were just waiting.Using a child’s comfort item as a form of control is really sad to me,the whole “your the parent take it off her,show her who’s boss” attitude about a item that comforts a young child is crazy! I’m sorry but if a child sucked their thumb for comfort which can lead to the same dental problems what would those parents do tape their thumb up??? Cover it in chilli sauce??? The past 3 months has been hard on adults and children,my girls are 20,14&12 and they have all struggled with the changes in their lives,the uncertainty so your little girl has probably been using it to help cope with all of that.if you really want her to get rid of it I would limit to bedtime first then try and take it away completely!
I’m now a mum of teens/young adults and I miss my girls being little,they are that way and need comfort/comfort items for such a short time in their lives.One day you will think to yourself I wish a dummy, could take away all her worries and the pressures that comes with growing up...please don’t feel pressure and remember she won’t be in Yr 6 and still need a dummy.. xxxx

@LittleBearPad

There are some extreme responses here.

Loads of kids have braces, including head gear with no dummies. Lots of older kids suck their thumbs too.

It’s better than it was, it will get better again in time.

Yes 🙌🏻...my daughter has a anxiety disorder and had her dummy at bedtime until very very late....numerous healthcare professionals our dentist told me not to take it away until the anxiety was under control! Once we found coping strategies she stopped using it on her own,why are we so against children having comfort items?? Who said there was a age limit on those items?? I have 3 girls 20,14&12 and I wish a dummy could comfort them, and ease their worries and the pressures they face as young ladies growing up in this scary world! And your right, some adults suck their thumb because you can’t cut a thumb off can you! I feel like a lot of reply’s on this were really harsh and judgemental...and probably made that Mum feel like she was failing!! 😞xxx

It’s not the norm that a child has a dummy at 6 by any means. However if your own child has an issue and you felt the need to do that well at least you have a reason.

To be a lazy parent and let your child have bad teeth as a result of not being able to say NO to your child is another matter altogether.

Who is the child here? If that’s your view your child will forever have their own way!

@BeeFarseer

I'm sorry for your bad news, OP.

Being completely honest, this thread has been an eye-opener for me. My youngest DS still has a dummy and he's starting school in September. He is being assessed for ASD so it is more complicated than it would be for a neurotypical child.

The comments about leaving a child with a dummy because it's the easy option have hit home. That's what we do, there are so many things we struggle with so we keep putting it off.

I don't want to be in the OP's shoes and so I won't be. The advice on this thread is brilliant.

I'm going to have a long chat with DH tonight until we agree a strategy. Whether that is complete withdrawal of dummies, or gradual, I don't know, but we're doing it.

I came back to update, because it's now been a full week since my DS has had a dummy.

It IS doable. We did it and this thread was the kick up the backside I needed. Thank you to everyone who gave advice and shared their stories.

Yes, he was very upset the first night. We got around it by giving extra cuddles, keeping the rest of his bedtime routine exactly the same, and saying we'd try and find his dummy in the morning (our strategy was that it 'got lost'). When he remembered in the morning, it was still 'lost'.

He had a meltdown over something else that day, and remembered his lost dummy in the middle of it. He asked for it at bedtime a few times, and mentioned it, but after the first three days it was EASY.

I built it up to a major thing in my head and it really wasn't that bad.

DH and I threw the bastard things in the bin yesterday and cheered.