Life with new baby - completely overwhelmed

[coffeelover6]

I had my first baby 3 weeks ago and am really, really struggling with life with a newborn. I read lots before falling pregnant about how hard it is, but even so I don’t think I was fully prepared mentally for how difficult I’d find it.

After feeding and burping him I cuddle him to sleep for about half an hour before putting him down in his cot. In the first two weeks he would stay asleep for a good couple of hours, and I was feeling immensely grateful at what an easy baby I had. That all changed in week 3 and 90% of the time now he will wake up within 30 minutes to an hour and start crying. The only way to soothe him is by picking him up and holding him for ages until he falls asleep or by feeding him more formula. It means I barely have a minute to myself in 24 hours. The only time I do have a moment to myself is when DH takes him in the sling. DH has him now, which is why I’m able to write this post. The sling seems to really soothe him but as soon as DH takes him out he will more often than not start crying again.

I’m worried that I’m misreading his signals and over-feeding formula but how can I know for sure? I’m also worried he may have silent reflux and mentioned this to the midwife, who recommended burping more during feeding and Infacol, but from what I’ve read it doesn’t sound particularly effective. Is it worth trying Infacol and do I need a prescription? Do I need to see a cranial osteopath or a paediatrician and will this cost a lot of money? Does he even need that level of intervention and how do I know if he does?

I’m so ashamed to say this, but I don’t feel bonded to the baby at all. When feeding him I just sit there in silence, have a cry or watch TV - I know I should be singing or talking to him but I’m just so tired and sad. I’m scared of the psychological and developmental effects this lack of bonding could be having on him.

I haven’t been able to take him out the house or even bath him yet because he’s just on a constant cycle of sleep, cry, scream, nappy change, feed, cuddle, sleep, repeat. There’s no window of opportunity to do anything more than that. Taking him for a walk or bathing him both feel like mountains to climb, and I just can’t face it.

DH asked me if I loved him (baby) yesterday and I honestly don’t feel I do. I just miss the peace and ease and freedom of our old life and cuddles with our cat. It makes me so sad that DH and I will never have that again.

All my friends who are mums keep telling me to enjoy this amazing and special time. I just want to scream back at them, it’s not amazing at all, it’s hard and relentless and exhausting! I feel I’ve been tricked into having kids by everyone telling me how wonderful it is, when in fact they knew the truth all along and just wanted me to be in the same miserable boat as them. What’s the expression? Misery loves company. Or maybe it genuinely wasn’t hard at all for them and I’m the only one who’s struggling.

We don’t have any family support as both sets of parents live abroad. I think that makes things even harder.

Honestly if I could turn back time or give him back then I would do so in a heartbeat. When I think about the enormity of what I’ve done, the level of responsibility I have to this tiny person and how my life has changed completely and forever, I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack - so I’m trying not to even think about that. On top of all this we have some serious financial worries due to Covid 19 and I’m frightened that we could run out of money and lose our flat. I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this, I really don’t.

Sorry for the long post. It has helped a little to get it all out.

@coffeelover6 I keep wanting to reply and then my DD will need something haha! She’s 7 weeks now and I felt just like you a couple of weeks ago. I do feel this week things have improved- there are still really hard days but she will be put down on the playmat and she will nap in the sling or pram. She doesn’t nap a lot in the day but HV says that’s normal now.

There’s been a couple of times DP and I have been able to cuddle up on the sofa while she sleeps in the evening actually in her basket (rare but happened). Like you I just wanted some time for us again!

Things that have helped have been talking to others and hearing this is all normal, getting used to the sling and getting out for a walk (literally fed, changed and straight in the pram in the morning, if this means I skip my shower so be it, no ones coming within 2m anyway!).

Also found MN threads like this one really reassuring. Although I have also wasted hours on the sleep boards before deciding that she’s still way too tiny to worry about that and I was exhausting myself more with worrying about it!

Hope you’re doing ok

And for what it’s worth, although there have been some positives to no visitors, I think if there was no lockdown we would have been buoyed through the early weeks with visits and even a trip or two to a cafe! It’s easy to feel it’s the baby that is keeping me in the house but actually things are far from normal right now!

I absolutely hated the newborn bit to the point where I could never put myself through it again. Hopefully you'll be like me in that I've enjoyed her more and more as she's got older. I've never pined for a previous phase and I look forward to the future. She's 6 now and it's pretty good.

The first 6 weeks were just awful - I remember feeling deep concern for the welfare of my baby, accompanied by an overwhelming desire to place him for adoption - in my mind the plan was doomed to failure simply because too many people knew I'd given birth. It was just hideous. He never slept, and cried a lot. It took several months to feel proper warmth (as opposed to highly anxious concern), and I kind of forget now when the love came... but it eventually did. Things slowly improved from 6 weeks (he smiled right on cue - at DH!)

This will pass.

I didn't love DD until she was maybe 6 months. Smiles didn't make any difference. But it was a lot easier long before that point as she was sleeping reliably and napping better, plus my hormones had calmed down - don't underestimate how shit they can make you feel. You WILL love your baby but honestly, don't worry about that for now. Just get through each day and know that the general trend will be towards it getting easier every day.

@skeptile I was the same. If I could have got away with putting her up for adoption somehow I would have. The only thing that stopped me was a) knowing I'd want to know that she was safe and loved but wouldn't be able to and b) knowing how many people would judge me. I look back now and realise that PND was a form of madness, for me. But at the time it felt completely relational and sensible.

How are you today? Just catching up with your post- elements of your story I recognise I’m myself a year ago. My daughter has just turned one and it does get easier- I promise.

You don’t have to talk about it on here but how was your birth? You can have a birth debrief at any time (obviously probably virtual due to covid at this time) if you feel that may benefit you.

I remember the early days so well. Literally felt like sleep, feed, nappy change and repeat ... I found it hard to find time to eat, go to the loo and anything! Have you opened up to your partner about how you’re feeling? Or feel able to?

It can be immensely lonely- I can only imagine now during this lockdown.

Just read your updates and honestly, it's reminded me how utterly soul destroying the lack of sleep was. Everyone kept telling me I had such an easy and content baby but I genuinely thought he was so unsettled, wouldn't be put down, I couldn't fathom how to have a shower when my husband went back to work. My mum used to tell me how she was up, showered and dressed every day by the time my dad left for work and I felt like complete shit sitting in puked on week old pjs.

It's ok that you aren't enjoying it. I fully believe no one tells the truth about how crap the first few weeks are, or no one would ever have a baby. But please do talk to your health visitor or your parents and tell them your concerns.

Download a white noise app on your phone and play it fairly loud at nap times...we found it brilliant for settling DS, even now at a year old we leave it playing low all night. Also check out The Wonder Weeks... your baby will have growth and developmental spurts at fairly predictable times and I found it was really accurate and helped me to understand what was going on.

Sorry I haven't read through every single post, so not sure if it's been suggested but have you tried a different formula? Or are you still thinking it's reflux?
I have 2 boys both had a milk allergy both had reflux and was the cause of why they wouldn't settle after feeding and didn't sleep long always cried. I couldn't work out what i was doing wrong until it was diagnosed.
Some of your symptoms and your relentless days sound very familiar to me x

Awww your post made me cry because it reminded me of the exact same feelings I felt when my now 19 month old was tiny. He was a tough baby and I felt like that on and off until I went back to work although it did get easier. You might have PND but to be honest, also, having a newborn can just be really really tough. Some babies are easier than others. It seems like it's endless at the time but you will get through it, day by day. Don't worry about enjoying it or not... I hated the newborn weeks (and months to an extent to be honest) but it's okay- I adore my toddler now. I found a routine really helped (I used the Little Ones programme) although I know many disagree with a routine for a newborn. I also joined a mums and babies group that was expensive but did mums fitness classes every day where you take the baby, and that was a lifeline for one I started figuring out how to get out of the house - it took me a good month or two.

It's so hard those first few weeks I remember it well!!! Even with the second one.... I was beside myself with tiredness and exhaustion.... it will get better I promise. Go easy on your self and the thing that worked for me was letting my partner do the 10/11pm dream feed and I'd go to bed at 9pm with ear plugs in and he'd wake me up at the next feed usually 2/3am so I managed to get a full 5/6 hours sleep...

After a few weeks roughly 7/8 weeks he stated to drop the 2/3 am feed and it pushed back to 4/5 then 6/7 am

Sleep is important for you right now.

As for the daytime try and get those feeds 2/3 hours apart after feeding trey can usually stay awake for an hour or so which I called play time... then he'd have a nap either out in the pram but I'd get to walk... which looking back was good for me to get out and exercise
this stage doesn't last forever and they eventually wake up sit up etc

It's exhausting never ending but it will change. Sooner than you think.

All new mums go through this and I also felt like I'd been tricked with my first and resented every minute of it.... but he's 15 now and very funny. So he doesn't remember how miserable I was those first few weeks. Hope this helps in any small way xxxx

You are NOT alone!!! I felt the same way, I never bonded for a good 8 weeks, I struggled to adjust to this new life it’s so fkn hard!! Like literally nothing can prepare you. My friends used to ask me if it was like a different kind of love and I would say yes but inside I was honestly no...I felt like someone was gonna come and take her away when she was born and it dawned on me no this is my baby she is my responsibility. She’s 4 months now and honestly I love her with all my heart and it truly is a different kind of love. Anyone who says they bonded straight away is lying or very lucky. I was happy for anyone but me to feed her etc. Hang in there because you are the best mum for that baby - nobody else!! Please do speak to your partner about how you’re feeling though, there is no shame but you may be experiencing a little bit of post natal depression, which is so much more common than you think. You’re a good mother and you will come to love your baby so much I promise 💗💗💗

Stop trying to put him down every 2 minutes. Hold him or pop him in a sling or feed him lying down so you can sleep. Sit holding him and binge watch something. You going to get crazy obsessing about him sleeping in his cot for hours.

I’m just returning to the thread again and can see that it’s been 10 days since I wrote the original post. I’m truly amazed that I’ve managed to get through 10 whole days since then - it feels like a big achievement.

I’m still really struggling to adjust to everything, although I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that my life has changed, this is my new life, things will never be the same again and there’s no other option but to accept it and get on with things, as difficult and exhausting as it is.

I keep telling myself that DS didn’t ask to be born; I brought him into this world by choice and it’s my responsibility now to do the best by him that I can. That is helping a little bit.

I honestly don’t know how so many other women have done this and come out the other side - it’s so thankless and so hard.

Just get through each day and know that the general trend will be towards it getting easier every day.

This is comforting, thank you.

Yes it is so thankless and so hard OP., you are dead right.
But when it gets easier (it will, just at different stages for different people), that is the best feeling.
I've got 3 and the baby months/first year with each was just gruelling and not enjoyable.

It's totally fine to say that. (It's been great since)

Hi op, I just wanted to say you're not alone! While I don't have the exact experience to relate to, I just want to share something that might help... Me and dh both struggled with feeling overwhelmed when our ds was born. It was close to Christmas, he arrived a month early. I think it being over Christmas really hammered home how different things were from now on. It was so hard, we both cried. I came out the other side once my hormones settled a bit about 6 weeks in, but dh continued to struggle for quite a bit. He tried not to say much, I think he didn't want to worry me, but I could just tell. Anyway, at around the 3 month mark, things just clicked. Dh said that when the baby started being more interactive (and sleeping a bit better!) it was like a fog lifted for him. We're 5.5 months in now and things are good.

There's a bit from Fraiser that goes 'you don't just love your children, you fall in love with them' and he said that really resonates with him now because it took a while, but he fell in love with ds in time and wouldn't go back now.

I hope that helps give you a bit of hope. Xxx

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this. If it helps, I can totally relate - I felt the same.

If you’re on Instagram, have a look at Jess urlichs - she’s a writer who covers lots of aspects of motherhood and reading her words has got me through some tough periods with my baby.

It's SO hard. With my first, my husband worked away, he was away Sunday to Friday every week. I thought i was fine at the time, but really I felt numb, anxious, I cried a lot, and I had to go and live with my in laws for a week because I broke down when he went away and couldn't stop crying. He wasn't even a particularly "difficult" baby, just my first baby, if that makes sense. You're constantly second guessing yourself, wondering if you're doing the right think. I used to dread bed time because I was so scared of being on my own with him all night in case something was wrong with him and nobody would answer my calls. I was a bag of nerves! So much so that whenever we spoke about another baby I burst into tears and wouldn't entertain it. Then one day I felt better about it, and before I had a chance to think about it I was pregnant
I was really worried I'd feel the same again; but apart from the first few weeks (which is where you were at when you wrote your post), it's been ok. It's horrible feeling like you miss your old life, but it's normal. If you still feel like that once everything has settled then speak to someone but don't think you're awful because you don't feel bonded or that you want your old life back. A newborn is a massive adjustment and they're needy little creatures! You're doing fab xx

You’ve just done 10 more days, which will turn into 10 more and 10 more until you can look back and think ‘wow, I can’t believe how far we’ve come and how much better I feel’.

It is so hard in the first few weeks and months. I felt like time had never gone so slowly and I dreaded every day, wishing it would go faster. Honestly, it does start to get easier, bit by bit. You will never have to do this bit again (unless you want to - I know I couldn’t) and in a few weeks/ months time it will be over and you will find yourself enjoying time with your baby.

Hang on in there - you are strong and you can do this!

I know it's impossible to believe but one day you won't mind that your life has changed. For one thing it will be worth it because you'll have a funny, loving little person in your life (who sleeps 12+ hours a day) instead of a stranger who keeps you awake a lot. And for a second thing your life will go back to something much more resembling your old normal. It's honestly only this first crazy bit that is completely alien. Soon you'll get some time and energy back and be able to do the things you enjoyed again.

Also, if I could offer one key piece of advice it would be don't worry about what comes next. I spent the first 3 months panicking about weaning, potty training, how hard it would be to clear out her 6-9 month clothes, toddler tantrums, teething, vomiting bugs, finding childcare, etc etc. All things I did NOT need to be thinking about when things were hard enough AND all things that were a million times easier than I'd imagined they would be - and a million times easier than the newborn stage. Nothing compares to the difficulty of that. Everything gets easier.

@peachgreen so true!

I'm so glad I found this thread. I have a 3 and a half week old who has turned from a lovely slumbering newborn into an unpredictable and grouchy screamer. I was obviously lulled into a false sense of security with my initially placid baby! Giving birth was the hardest thing I've ever done, and to follow that up with no sleep or time for the smallest bits of self care is so brutal. There is just no time for healing.

I totally sympathise OP. What you are feeling is normal. I wish more people spoke about it. Sending you lots of tea and solidarity

@liketheoceanswerise

Definitely worth looking into developmental leaps. Mine suddenly had a personality transplant a few weeks in and a friend told me about the leaps. It just means that the world baby has been used to has suddenly changed due to their senses developing more and that can upset them and make them more clingy/grouchy than normal. After a week or so, they go back to their normal self. I use the wonder weeks app to help track them and it predicts when they are due. So far it has been very accurate.

Hey op.

Just wanted to echo everyone else - our DD is 13 months and for the first 3 or 4 months I couldn’t eat or sleep just feeling this huge weight of responsibility and pressure 24/7.

Now I am t happiest I have ever been and it s because of my DD - still tiring but sooooo much easier and honestly the transition happens so slowly you don’t notice it ! But one day you will think to yourself - today has been a really great day, and actually so was this whole last week. The love came slow for me too - but my god it’s a love like no other. Hang on in there, as you said there’s nothing to do but keep slogging, day by day by day, IT DOES GET EASIER