Life with new baby - completely overwhelmed

[coffeelover6]

I had my first baby 3 weeks ago and am really, really struggling with life with a newborn. I read lots before falling pregnant about how hard it is, but even so I don’t think I was fully prepared mentally for how difficult I’d find it.

After feeding and burping him I cuddle him to sleep for about half an hour before putting him down in his cot. In the first two weeks he would stay asleep for a good couple of hours, and I was feeling immensely grateful at what an easy baby I had. That all changed in week 3 and 90% of the time now he will wake up within 30 minutes to an hour and start crying. The only way to soothe him is by picking him up and holding him for ages until he falls asleep or by feeding him more formula. It means I barely have a minute to myself in 24 hours. The only time I do have a moment to myself is when DH takes him in the sling. DH has him now, which is why I’m able to write this post. The sling seems to really soothe him but as soon as DH takes him out he will more often than not start crying again.

I’m worried that I’m misreading his signals and over-feeding formula but how can I know for sure? I’m also worried he may have silent reflux and mentioned this to the midwife, who recommended burping more during feeding and Infacol, but from what I’ve read it doesn’t sound particularly effective. Is it worth trying Infacol and do I need a prescription? Do I need to see a cranial osteopath or a paediatrician and will this cost a lot of money? Does he even need that level of intervention and how do I know if he does?

I’m so ashamed to say this, but I don’t feel bonded to the baby at all. When feeding him I just sit there in silence, have a cry or watch TV - I know I should be singing or talking to him but I’m just so tired and sad. I’m scared of the psychological and developmental effects this lack of bonding could be having on him.

I haven’t been able to take him out the house or even bath him yet because he’s just on a constant cycle of sleep, cry, scream, nappy change, feed, cuddle, sleep, repeat. There’s no window of opportunity to do anything more than that. Taking him for a walk or bathing him both feel like mountains to climb, and I just can’t face it.

DH asked me if I loved him (baby) yesterday and I honestly don’t feel I do. I just miss the peace and ease and freedom of our old life and cuddles with our cat. It makes me so sad that DH and I will never have that again.

All my friends who are mums keep telling me to enjoy this amazing and special time. I just want to scream back at them, it’s not amazing at all, it’s hard and relentless and exhausting! I feel I’ve been tricked into having kids by everyone telling me how wonderful it is, when in fact they knew the truth all along and just wanted me to be in the same miserable boat as them. What’s the expression? Misery loves company. Or maybe it genuinely wasn’t hard at all for them and I’m the only one who’s struggling.

We don’t have any family support as both sets of parents live abroad. I think that makes things even harder.

Honestly if I could turn back time or give him back then I would do so in a heartbeat. When I think about the enormity of what I’ve done, the level of responsibility I have to this tiny person and how my life has changed completely and forever, I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack - so I’m trying not to even think about that. On top of all this we have some serious financial worries due to Covid 19 and I’m frightened that we could run out of money and lose our flat. I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this, I really don’t.

Sorry for the long post. It has helped a little to get it all out.

[cloudlessskies]

oh OP you poor love. I felt some of those things when I had my first son who is now 3 and my second is 8 months.
To put into context, my first baby was such hard work. He was an awful sleeper, he suffered really badly with wind (we were on infacol(you don't need a prescription) and then infant gaviscon) He cried at everything, he wouldn't be put down, he would always interrupt me when I was trying to eat, he fed (boob) lots. Basically it was such hard work. Back to you...

Feeling you don't love the baby - In my opinion, totally normal and I didn't love my baby at first either. He was c sec so I didn't get the hormonal rush you're meant to...but even so. Your baby is a stranger to you, he ruins your sleep, he cries a lot and has basically blown your life up (I felt like this too) Give it time and you will start to love him, it will creep up on you when he starts to look at you, when he grasps your hand, when he starts to smile, when he starts making cute noises.
Feeling like you've ruined your life - yep, totally understandable. And for now, it is pretty shit but things change and it gets easier. He will sleep more and as he is awake more you can get out and do things.

Struggling with wind/waking after 30 mins crying - sounds like trapped wind. Make sure you are burping regularly during a feed, have him upright for at least 20 mins after the bottle before you put him down(if he's fallen asleep then put him over your should for 5 mins and then sit him on your knee and pat his back) Once you've put him down and he wakes crying, wind him again. Don't give him more formula (remember to look at how much he should be having on the tin, as there is a maximum number of ounces he has in a day) as you'll over feed him and make the wind worse. It is totally normal for little babies to wake regularly and have to be cuddled and soothed back to sleep - it's just one of those things.

Not getting out of the house - get some sunshine. When he's due a nap. Sling him or put him in the pram and get out. Even if you'd rather sit down with a brew, the fresh air will make you feel better.

You need some sleep-your DH needs to do some night feeds for you. If you have a spare room, go in it. Put ear plugs in and get some rest. If you don't have a spare room, then DH can take the sofa and the baby can be in the moses basket. If hubby can take baby for 2 nights a week it will help you feel so much better.

missing the cat - me too! She is my first baby and she'd give me that look 'what about me?'. I sneak away from the kids to go and have a cuddle-nip in on your way to the toilet/just before bed. Don't worry, you'll get your evenings back in a few months and the cat will still be there.

Not having family - you need some mum friends with a baby the same age. Mumsnet/other groups online to know that you are not alone. You can meet up in the park and vent at one another.

You are in the toughest time, it gets easier, promise. It's a way off yet, a few months maybe but bit by bit it gets more manageable. It's normal not to enjoy it right now, who would when you're sleep deprived with a baby that cries a lot. The love and the bond will come.

As for your future with DH, yes it's very different. But you experience new things together with your baby and it bonds you to one another. My first son was a challenge in every way, but it got easier and I love him a tonne. Seeing his personality emerge, watching him do new things was (is) amazing. And then we wanted another, despite how hard it was the first time, we still went for it. DS2 is the complete opposite of DS. (Now I understand why some mums say 'it's amazing, I love it') but first time around, it was cr*p!!

Good luck and try to get some sleep xx

[coffeelover6]

@cloudlessskies thanks so much for taking the time to write that - it really helped

[cloudlessskies]

You're welcome. I'm all for mums being honest with one another and supportive. It can be very tough going for some but there are some people who feel embarrassed/ashamed and don't tell the truth.

[chocolateicing]

Hi OP,
Just wanted to come on and say it's not unusual a in the slightest to not feel that bond at this stage.
With my DS (he's 4 now) it took me the best part of a year to feel like I had a bond with him and loved him. I felt like the worst mum in the world for months because I felt like I cared for him and that was it. There was a fleeting moment of love when he was around 6 months and then on his first birthday it really hit me.
When I was in the throes of that newborn stage where I felt like I was doing everything wrong someone said to me that this baby is a stranger, you don't know their likes and dislikes, you don't know anything about them and it's a massive learning curve for you and them.
Be kind to yourself, you're doing a fab job. Your baby is cared for, fed and warm. You will get through this stage and come out the other side. Also remember that some people have 'easy' baby's but someone else's 'easy' might be different to yours.

[Letmegetthisrightasawoman]

I haven't rtft, but I just wanted to say I felt exactly the same when DS was born. He was in hospital for two weeks, which was hell, but once home I hated how my life had changed. I remember trying to come up with a way of giving him away that wouldn't be traumatic to him, and failing. I also hated all the idiots who kept telling me to "enjoy it, they're only this small for such a short time" - fuck that, it's bloody hard work and not at all fun at the start! For me, things got better around 6 weeks. I wouldn't necessarily say you have PND (I didn't and still wanted to give DS away...), I actually think this is probably more common than you think, but people are embarrassed to admit it. Regarding routine: napping for 30-60 minutes at a time seems fairly normal during the day IIRC. Will he nap in the sling? That would allow you to move around a bit more. Also, I'm sure you know this, but he's not supposed to sleep unattended, even during the day. How is his sleep at night? Re: support - it must be so utterly shit for new mums at the moment! I have seen socially distanced NCT meetups in our local park, could you do something like that? Your HV (or even midwife) should also still be available for advice. And don't worry about the bonding, it takes a while. Attachment issues do not happen because you don't sing or talk whilst feeding him, it takes a lot more than that! You're holding him, he's clean, warm and fed and you respond to him crying, that's all he needs for now. Seriously though, if you think about it it's bonkers: you're handed a completely helpless bundle that either screams or sleeps and constantly demands food or bodily fluids dealing with, has wrecked your body and doesn't even smile, and it's supposed to be love at first sight, FML!