Life with new baby - completely overwhelmed

[coffeelover6]

I had my first baby 3 weeks ago and am really, really struggling with life with a newborn. I read lots before falling pregnant about how hard it is, but even so I don’t think I was fully prepared mentally for how difficult I’d find it.

After feeding and burping him I cuddle him to sleep for about half an hour before putting him down in his cot. In the first two weeks he would stay asleep for a good couple of hours, and I was feeling immensely grateful at what an easy baby I had. That all changed in week 3 and 90% of the time now he will wake up within 30 minutes to an hour and start crying. The only way to soothe him is by picking him up and holding him for ages until he falls asleep or by feeding him more formula. It means I barely have a minute to myself in 24 hours. The only time I do have a moment to myself is when DH takes him in the sling. DH has him now, which is why I’m able to write this post. The sling seems to really soothe him but as soon as DH takes him out he will more often than not start crying again.

I’m worried that I’m misreading his signals and over-feeding formula but how can I know for sure? I’m also worried he may have silent reflux and mentioned this to the midwife, who recommended burping more during feeding and Infacol, but from what I’ve read it doesn’t sound particularly effective. Is it worth trying Infacol and do I need a prescription? Do I need to see a cranial osteopath or a paediatrician and will this cost a lot of money? Does he even need that level of intervention and how do I know if he does?

I’m so ashamed to say this, but I don’t feel bonded to the baby at all. When feeding him I just sit there in silence, have a cry or watch TV - I know I should be singing or talking to him but I’m just so tired and sad. I’m scared of the psychological and developmental effects this lack of bonding could be having on him.

I haven’t been able to take him out the house or even bath him yet because he’s just on a constant cycle of sleep, cry, scream, nappy change, feed, cuddle, sleep, repeat. There’s no window of opportunity to do anything more than that. Taking him for a walk or bathing him both feel like mountains to climb, and I just can’t face it.

DH asked me if I loved him (baby) yesterday and I honestly don’t feel I do. I just miss the peace and ease and freedom of our old life and cuddles with our cat. It makes me so sad that DH and I will never have that again.

All my friends who are mums keep telling me to enjoy this amazing and special time. I just want to scream back at them, it’s not amazing at all, it’s hard and relentless and exhausting! I feel I’ve been tricked into having kids by everyone telling me how wonderful it is, when in fact they knew the truth all along and just wanted me to be in the same miserable boat as them. What’s the expression? Misery loves company. Or maybe it genuinely wasn’t hard at all for them and I’m the only one who’s struggling.

We don’t have any family support as both sets of parents live abroad. I think that makes things even harder.

Honestly if I could turn back time or give him back then I would do so in a heartbeat. When I think about the enormity of what I’ve done, the level of responsibility I have to this tiny person and how my life has changed completely and forever, I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack - so I’m trying not to even think about that. On top of all this we have some serious financial worries due to Covid 19 and I’m frightened that we could run out of money and lose our flat. I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this, I really don’t.

Sorry for the long post. It has helped a little to get it all out.

[Letmegetthisrightasawoman]

I haven't rtft, but I just wanted to say I felt exactly the same when DS was born. He was in hospital for two weeks, which was hell, but once home I hated how my life had changed. I remember trying to come up with a way of giving him away that wouldn't be traumatic to him, and failing. I also hated all the idiots who kept telling me to "enjoy it, they're only this small for such a short time" - fuck that, it's bloody hard work and not at all fun at the start! For me, things got better around 6 weeks. I wouldn't necessarily say you have PND (I didn't and still wanted to give DS away...), I actually think this is probably more common than you think, but people are embarrassed to admit it. Regarding routine: napping for 30-60 minutes at a time seems fairly normal during the day IIRC. Will he nap in the sling? That would allow you to move around a bit more. Also, I'm sure you know this, but he's not supposed to sleep unattended, even during the day. How is his sleep at night? Re: support - it must be so utterly shit for new mums at the moment! I have seen socially distanced NCT meetups in our local park, could you do something like that? Your HV (or even midwife) should also still be available for advice. And don't worry about the bonding, it takes a while. Attachment issues do not happen because you don't sing or talk whilst feeding him, it takes a lot more than that! You're holding him, he's clean, warm and fed and you respond to him crying, that's all he needs for now. Seriously though, if you think about it it's bonkers: you're handed a completely helpless bundle that either screams or sleeps and constantly demands food or bodily fluids dealing with, has wrecked your body and doesn't even smile, and it's supposed to be love at first sight, FML!

[chocolateicing]

Hi OP,
Just wanted to come on and say it's not unusual a in the slightest to not feel that bond at this stage.
With my DS (he's 4 now) it took me the best part of a year to feel like I had a bond with him and loved him. I felt like the worst mum in the world for months because I felt like I cared for him and that was it. There was a fleeting moment of love when he was around 6 months and then on his first birthday it really hit me.
When I was in the throes of that newborn stage where I felt like I was doing everything wrong someone said to me that this baby is a stranger, you don't know their likes and dislikes, you don't know anything about them and it's a massive learning curve for you and them.
Be kind to yourself, you're doing a fab job. Your baby is cared for, fed and warm. You will get through this stage and come out the other side. Also remember that some people have 'easy' baby's but someone else's 'easy' might be different to yours.

[cloudlessskies]

You're welcome. I'm all for mums being honest with one another and supportive. It can be very tough going for some but there are some people who feel embarrassed/ashamed and don't tell the truth.

[coffeelover6]

@cloudlessskies thanks so much for taking the time to write that - it really helped

[cloudlessskies]

oh OP you poor love. I felt some of those things when I had my first son who is now 3 and my second is 8 months.
To put into context, my first baby was such hard work. He was an awful sleeper, he suffered really badly with wind (we were on infacol(you don't need a prescription) and then infant gaviscon) He cried at everything, he wouldn't be put down, he would always interrupt me when I was trying to eat, he fed (boob) lots. Basically it was such hard work. Back to you...

Feeling you don't love the baby - In my opinion, totally normal and I didn't love my baby at first either. He was c sec so I didn't get the hormonal rush you're meant to...but even so. Your baby is a stranger to you, he ruins your sleep, he cries a lot and has basically blown your life up (I felt like this too) Give it time and you will start to love him, it will creep up on you when he starts to look at you, when he grasps your hand, when he starts to smile, when he starts making cute noises.
Feeling like you've ruined your life - yep, totally understandable. And for now, it is pretty shit but things change and it gets easier. He will sleep more and as he is awake more you can get out and do things.

Struggling with wind/waking after 30 mins crying - sounds like trapped wind. Make sure you are burping regularly during a feed, have him upright for at least 20 mins after the bottle before you put him down(if he's fallen asleep then put him over your should for 5 mins and then sit him on your knee and pat his back) Once you've put him down and he wakes crying, wind him again. Don't give him more formula (remember to look at how much he should be having on the tin, as there is a maximum number of ounces he has in a day) as you'll over feed him and make the wind worse. It is totally normal for little babies to wake regularly and have to be cuddled and soothed back to sleep - it's just one of those things.

Not getting out of the house - get some sunshine. When he's due a nap. Sling him or put him in the pram and get out. Even if you'd rather sit down with a brew, the fresh air will make you feel better.

You need some sleep-your DH needs to do some night feeds for you. If you have a spare room, go in it. Put ear plugs in and get some rest. If you don't have a spare room, then DH can take the sofa and the baby can be in the moses basket. If hubby can take baby for 2 nights a week it will help you feel so much better.

missing the cat - me too! She is my first baby and she'd give me that look 'what about me?'. I sneak away from the kids to go and have a cuddle-nip in on your way to the toilet/just before bed. Don't worry, you'll get your evenings back in a few months and the cat will still be there.

Not having family - you need some mum friends with a baby the same age. Mumsnet/other groups online to know that you are not alone. You can meet up in the park and vent at one another.

You are in the toughest time, it gets easier, promise. It's a way off yet, a few months maybe but bit by bit it gets more manageable. It's normal not to enjoy it right now, who would when you're sleep deprived with a baby that cries a lot. The love and the bond will come.

As for your future with DH, yes it's very different. But you experience new things together with your baby and it bonds you to one another. My first son was a challenge in every way, but it got easier and I love him a tonne. Seeing his personality emerge, watching him do new things was (is) amazing. And then we wanted another, despite how hard it was the first time, we still went for it. DS2 is the complete opposite of DS. (Now I understand why some mums say 'it's amazing, I love it') but first time around, it was cr*p!!

Good luck and try to get some sleep xx

[Lemonysherbet]

@coffeelover6 thanks for checking back in. Glad things are moving in the right direction. Did you seek help with how you're feeling?

I'm feeling much better, although it does still come in waves. I had a very scary 2 days where I questioned why I didnt love my baby which was so upsetting that I just switched off from everyone and everything. Woke up the following day and felt slightly more normal. I'm talking about it to anyone who will listen. I feel no one really spoke to me about this before I gave birth about their own experiences of baby blues/ pnd so if I can be super open maybe it will help more than just me.

I hope you feel stronger every day :)

[coffeelover6]

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I began this thread. I can’t thank everyone enough for the replies - you have helped me so much

DS is now eight weeks - I’m still struggling and finding life with a newborn (if he still counts as that?), the lack of freedom and the lack of sleep very hard. I’d say though that things have become a little easier, mainly because I finally feel I’m starting to bond with him a little bit. It makes it all feel slightly more worthwhile.

@Lemonysherbet how is everything going?

[Nicecupofcoco]

Hi op, so sorry your feeling this way!
I remember feeling the same way. Going from no children, to one, and having your freedom completely taken away (well, how it feels anyway) is so so over whelming! What you said about not talking to your baby really hit home with me, I remember feeling similar. The bond did come slowly.
Don't worry about other people saying it's a magical time, etc, it's OK not to be ok, you will bet that bond, it just takes time. If you feel talking talking to hv or gp will help then they can certainly offer help and support!
I know you said baby enjoys being out in the sling, how about getting a sling to wear in doors abit! That way baby's with you but your hands are free! I bet the motion of you walking around would send him off to sleep, and help him feel close to you. Also I think the crying does get you down, as well as the long nights and no sleep, it gets easier. It won't seem like it now but it truly does. This feeling won't last forever.

[Lemonysherbet]

Hey @coffeelover6 how are you doing?

Someone pointed me in the direction of your post as I have a 2 week old and I'm finding myself struggling.

It's really reassuring reading everyone's comments and advice but I also don't want to wish the early weeks away.

[Anewmum2018]

Aw I’m so sorry you feel like this, but to reassure you- yes, you will bond with your baby. Took me FOREVER (felt like that), but hey presto, he’s the light of my life now. But I just went through the motions for at least six months, maybe even that whole first year.
Please be kind to yourself as others have said. I honestly don’t think all other new mums are loving life and all in love with their new babies. Babies are actually a bit dull - the fun comes later! Also- it’s such an existential headfuck to have a baby- to actually create a human being. No one acknowledges this!!
Sorry I haven’t read back that far- have you spoken to your gp or health visitor? They will and should be on the lookout for PND especially at the moment.
Some things that helped me, particularly in bonding:

• don’t feel like you need to always be with your baby to bond with them. I felt I couldn’t leave my baby’s side until I loved him, almost like a sort of punishment. Actually things got better when I got myself a bit of time, to go running, listen to an audiobook, make plans with friends. Give yourself a bit of space if you can
  
• sleep- I know people have said be wary about clinging to dates and times for things getting better. BUT I think time does help- babies learn to sleep better, you learn more what your baby needs. It feels like it will never change, but things do, so quickly. Soon you’ll be weaning, and then they’ll be off the milk, and you basically have a fully functioning human who you can take out to a restaurant (ish). AND they get personalities! Why does no one mention this- they get more and more lovable!! Mine has just started talking, and it’s amazing!
  
• medication and therapy- don’t be scared of medication. I was, but didn’t have a lot of choice in the end, I was too ill to do without it. It really helped though, just to get me to a level where I could start to imagine a future... which brings me onto...
  
• plan fun things. A lot of my pnd focused on the feeling that I had no future, no plans, just a baby I didn’t love. I hadn’t factored him into my life at all. It was awful. So I started making plans with him in it. I started planning holidays for months away, and days out that I knew I would enjoy. I started looking forward to showing my baby all the things I used to like- my favourite cafe, my favourite walk, my favourite shops etc. Somehow it made him feel more like mine, rather than just an off-the-shelf baby who id been handed. I know it must be so hard in lockdown now, as plans are up in the air for everyone. But maybe start small. Could you get a take away coffee from somewhere? Go on a walk you like? Have a bbq with a friend?
  

Take care of yourself . You’re doing so well, and you have all of my empathy. But, I was you - and in a couple of years, you’ll be me

[adag]

Hi @coffeelover6 .... some great advice here, not much to add - I remember feeling exactly the same with my first. It helped me to think about it as grieving your old life and working through the stages that come with that. It will gradually ease and you will get back to some kind of normal. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it but also don't worry that these feelings are abnormal. Everything with small people is a phase. I've just had number 2 and it's so much easier this time - despite the baby being much more difficult. You've got this. X

[iloveyoubutilovememore]

Hi @coffeelover6 - I completely get and relate to everything you've said. So many of us feel exactly the same way you do, and so many of us have experienced those feelings. I absolutely hated the newborn stage. It hit me like a tonne of bricks from birth right up until around a year old. Nothing can ever truly prepare you for whats about to come. The lack of sleep (killed me), the disaster that was breastfeeding, and don't even get me started on the non settling baby. I honestly would have given him to anyone during those first few months. I remember when friends would say they found it hard letting other people take theirs for a cuddle, I would literally ask my family/friends to. It was such a difficult time of my life that I wish I'd been kinder to myself about.

You have mentioned quite a bit the lack of bonding - again this was the same for me. Never thought I would bond with him, didn't really feel anything towards him if I'm honest. My mental health was flagged up pretty quickly because I knew from the get go that I felt off, so a health visitor was coming over once a week to visit us (godsend) and I remember saying to her that I felt like I was looking after someone else's child. My guess is that you feel the same. But all of these messages, these questions, are because you do care about your baby. You want the best for him and you want to feel okay. It just takes time. Which I know sounds so bloody annoying but time is the biggest healer here. It was for me too.

Postnatal depression is much more common than people think. A lot of women won't open up about it. I did because I was terrified. I told anyone who would listen that I just didn't enjoy it and wished I could turn back time. By the time my son turned three months old I was having weekly CBT and attending a weekly group for mums who were struggling. Those two combined helped me dramatically. And funnily enough my PND did continue for a while, but the bond grew and grew. I still had down days, but as he became more independent and sleeping better, I felt better. He is the light of my life now. None of any of this affected him or my relationship with him. If anything, we are closer because of it. I appreciate the little things that maybe other mums wouldn't. Once that love was fully present I showered him with it and still do. He is the most confident and care free little boy I've ever met and I'm proud I made it through. You will too.

Your feelings are valid. You're grieving an old life. You're not getting much sleep. It's all such a massive shock. PLEASE be kind to yourself. I wasn't and I regret it. Take an hour every single day to be alone and be strict with it. Go to bed early (even though you might want to stay up) you'll wake up feeling better. Get outdoors every day. Listen to podcasts and guided meditations. Post on here. Do whatever you need to do and keep on keeping on.

Lots of love xxx

[MindatWork]

@coffeelover6 glad you’re still here and posting! I think a lot of it was me coming to terms with things - I stopped worrying so much about things like ‘she should be sleeping in her next2me so I have to spend all this time settling her’ when all she wanted was to be cuddled or rocked. DH and I used to do shifts, so I would go to bed at 6.30 after a feed and sleep until 11.30/midnight, then DH would go to bed and I’d take over. Not idea but it got us through the worst bit and I was much more able to deal with the nights when I’d already had a few hours sleep.

One thing no-one tells you is that newborn babies can’t tell day from night - it can take up to 3 months+ for them to get onto the circadian rhythm of dark=night/sleep, bright=day/awake.

Another thing no-one tells you is that often newborns might cry or be colicky/unsettled for no other reason than that their bodies are brand new and they’re still adjusting to feeding, swallowing, digesting etc. DD was an extremely windy, vommy, unsettled baby but around 3-4 months she got much more settled. I could feed, burp and put her down much more quickly instead of the 1.5/2hour stress session it used to be. She got happier, calmer, started giving us some smiles and reacting to things which helped. We also tried different bottles, MAM worked for us in the end.

Will try and think of some other things -please do come back and keep posting! Xx

[Rainbowqueeen]

Hi OP.
It’s just horrible isn’t it. The feeling that you must be doing it wrong because you’re not the happiest you’ve ever been and totally in live with your baby. I’ve been there. I hate the first 3 months. To me it’s just a slog and something I endure to get to the good bits.

You are normal. You will be ok and so will your DS. You will form that bond. And you are already a great mum because you clearly care about him and want nothing but the best for him.
Things will get better. Make sure you do get time to yourself and get outside every day.
You got this

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

It does get better with time but please dont hang on to the 6 week mark like its a dramatic turning point. Its very gradual. For me my son gradually went down for naps easier. Then he would be content under his play gym for a bit longer which meant I didnt have to carry him around all day. One day you'll get to the end of the day and realise its not been too bad. Then im told at the end of one week, you'll sit and think 'hey, this entire week has been good'. I havent reached that stage just yet though 😂

[Buttonmushroom2020]

Its ok to not feel a bond. Some of us didnt for the first few months.

[Rebelwithallthecause]

This has been so reassuring for me to read
I started reading at 2am last night and during the 4 hour feeding session with my 3 week old with tears in my eyes

I’m ashamed to say I’ve told DH I want to put her in the bin sometimes

I never realised it could be so painful and exhausting and stressful .

I couldn’t tell last night if my tears were from the pain or the exhaustion.

It gives me hope that things will improve but I too am counting down the days right now

I really hope we see a turning point by 6 weeks as I not too sure how much longer I can cope

[coffeelover6]

@Letsallscreamatthesistene yes, I’ve tilted the cot which has helped to some extent. I know people say it gets easier, but I’ve been up for hours with DS tonight and it’s so hard to believe right now.

[coffeelover6]

@MindatWork thanks. Did you find things got easier at 10-12 weeks and if so, in what way?

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Also - im not sure if anyones suggested this on this thread. Can you tilt your babies cot slightly at the head end? Chicco Next to Me cots have the function built in, but if not you can put a towel or a pillow under the mattress at the head end

[MindatWork]

Oh and with the screaming during feeding -it might be reflux but also maybe try going up a teat size? DD used to get really frustrated when she wasn’t getting enough milk so maybe try the next one up. It can take a day or two for them to get used to it x

[MindatWork]

Hi OP - really feel for you, I was exactly the same as you until our much longed-for DD was about 10/12 weeks old. Grieving for our old life, deranged from sleep deprivation and hormones, struggling with a crying, unsettled sicky baby and feeling like I couldnt complain because we’d wanted her for so long 🥺.

Everyone says it but it’s true - it does get better. Please do ask your health visitor for help if you get really worried though, and keep talking to your partner.

[miasmummytobe]

Have you though of joining a newborn class? I run them and have moved online for now. So many of mums have made similar comments and found doing the course offered that support and reassurance but also lots of real time help & tips. Lots of companies do them, I’d really recommend you give one a try x

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

OP it does get better I promise you. I think I only started to bond with my son when he was about 2 months old when he got a bit easier. Youre not a bad person nor a crap mum, I promise.


I have spoken and written on here at length about the ejits that say things like 'enjoy the cuddles'. I truely believe its one of the most awful things to say to a mum thats struggling.