Life with new baby - completely overwhelmed

[coffeelover6]

I had my first baby 3 weeks ago and am really, really struggling with life with a newborn. I read lots before falling pregnant about how hard it is, but even so I don’t think I was fully prepared mentally for how difficult I’d find it.

After feeding and burping him I cuddle him to sleep for about half an hour before putting him down in his cot. In the first two weeks he would stay asleep for a good couple of hours, and I was feeling immensely grateful at what an easy baby I had. That all changed in week 3 and 90% of the time now he will wake up within 30 minutes to an hour and start crying. The only way to soothe him is by picking him up and holding him for ages until he falls asleep or by feeding him more formula. It means I barely have a minute to myself in 24 hours. The only time I do have a moment to myself is when DH takes him in the sling. DH has him now, which is why I’m able to write this post. The sling seems to really soothe him but as soon as DH takes him out he will more often than not start crying again.

I’m worried that I’m misreading his signals and over-feeding formula but how can I know for sure? I’m also worried he may have silent reflux and mentioned this to the midwife, who recommended burping more during feeding and Infacol, but from what I’ve read it doesn’t sound particularly effective. Is it worth trying Infacol and do I need a prescription? Do I need to see a cranial osteopath or a paediatrician and will this cost a lot of money? Does he even need that level of intervention and how do I know if he does?

I’m so ashamed to say this, but I don’t feel bonded to the baby at all. When feeding him I just sit there in silence, have a cry or watch TV - I know I should be singing or talking to him but I’m just so tired and sad. I’m scared of the psychological and developmental effects this lack of bonding could be having on him.

I haven’t been able to take him out the house or even bath him yet because he’s just on a constant cycle of sleep, cry, scream, nappy change, feed, cuddle, sleep, repeat. There’s no window of opportunity to do anything more than that. Taking him for a walk or bathing him both feel like mountains to climb, and I just can’t face it.

DH asked me if I loved him (baby) yesterday and I honestly don’t feel I do. I just miss the peace and ease and freedom of our old life and cuddles with our cat. It makes me so sad that DH and I will never have that again.

All my friends who are mums keep telling me to enjoy this amazing and special time. I just want to scream back at them, it’s not amazing at all, it’s hard and relentless and exhausting! I feel I’ve been tricked into having kids by everyone telling me how wonderful it is, when in fact they knew the truth all along and just wanted me to be in the same miserable boat as them. What’s the expression? Misery loves company. Or maybe it genuinely wasn’t hard at all for them and I’m the only one who’s struggling.

We don’t have any family support as both sets of parents live abroad. I think that makes things even harder.

Honestly if I could turn back time or give him back then I would do so in a heartbeat. When I think about the enormity of what I’ve done, the level of responsibility I have to this tiny person and how my life has changed completely and forever, I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack - so I’m trying not to even think about that. On top of all this we have some serious financial worries due to Covid 19 and I’m frightened that we could run out of money and lose our flat. I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this, I really don’t.

Sorry for the long post. It has helped a little to get it all out.

[toinfinityandlockdown]

Oh love, I felt like this. PND gets said a lot but it could also just be severe sleep deprivation. In the end I left my baby for a night with my husband every week (despite being mostly breastfed, he just had a bottle at night once a week) and it made all the difference.
You don’t have the social support you might do otherwise die to the pandemic so that bound to make things tough too. I also wanted to reassure you that if you are doing all the caring things for your baby, they are going to be just fine if you actually don’t feel that loving inside- ask any mum of a toddler! Mums don’t feel loving all the time. Especially when you’ve had barely any sleep. You are a human with basic needs not being met. Massive hug.

[a12345b]

Stop trying to put him down all the time, accept he s going to be stuck to u for a while, go for a walk with him on u or ur husband in the sling and bath him ,even he cries for 5 min . No reason to be overdramatic

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

@a12345b does it make you feel good about yourself to come onto threads where women are obviously struggling and in need of help, and be dismissive, minimising and unsympathetic? Try to remember that there are real people behind these posts, and it costs you nothing to be kind.

[LiGlitterBug]

Another voice here to say that I felt very similar to you- would’ve given anything to just hand my baby back, really regretted having her and completely missed my old life with my husband. I had such dark thoughts of wanting her to die or be taken away or for me to have to go into hospital just to get a break. I didn’t have an instant bond (whereas my husband did) and I felt annoyed with my baby when she just wouldn’t stop crying (we had some awful evenings when she just screamed). I spent days in tears just hating everything.
And you’re doing this in awful conditions with none of the regular support groups or clinics to reach out to. It is totally understandable that you feel like this.

But I do want to say that it all passed. I never believed it would, but she’s 4.5 months now and I love her. I’m actually enjoying my days with her and even missing her when she’s asleep! Once I got to 6 weeks things started to feel easier, then in the last few weeks it’s been getting better again. She got better at going down to sleep so I get time to myself in the day and time with my husband at night. Feeding became much easier and less tome consuming. She does more and responds more and I actually want to play with her and get those responses. I’m looking forward to her doing even more and I feel so happy to have my little family.

I know it sounds so unlikely but it will all pass and you will bond- even if it takes months rather than weeks. The people saying to cherish the newborn days have probably forgotten how awful they can be (or they had perfect non fussy babies!)

Please talk to your partner and your GP/HV to make sure you have someone looking out for you. Make sure you get some tome every day just to yourself. Get out with the pram just to go down the street and build from there.

It will get better. I know it seems impossible now (past me never believed it when people said it either) but it will.

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

@a12345b I wrote a similar post to this a few weeks ago when my baby was 4 weeks old. I remember sitting and crying whilst reading replies because I realised I wasnt on my own, other people felt the same as me, and it seemed like it was ok. I was so fragile at the time. Words like yours would have done me no good at all. Think about what you write. If you cant write anything kindly, then dont write anything at all.

[Horehound]

I felt the same OP and when I said some of this stuff on Mumsnet I think some posters were gently telling me I just have PND.

I didn't. It's just a massive bloody shock. Youve spent your life doing what you want when you want and overnight that has changed and in a huge way.
My dad asked me if I loved my baby on day 2 and I didn't. I just didnt but I cared for him.
About 8 weeks later I was looking into my babies eyes and I actually thought my heart was going to burst with how much love I felt for him.

I still go through periods of thinking "what have I done?"but that's usually on a stessy day when nothings gone right. On the good and normal days I can't understand why I think like that.

Everything you're thinking and doing is normal!

[Roselilly36]

Totally normal to feel as you do at the moment, it is life changing & overwhelming. Take each day at a time. Have a chat to your midwife, HV or GP about your feelings, they would have heard it before and won’t judge. Good luck OP, it does get easier.

[Horehound]

Oh yes just read more replies and I'm on the same page as @Letsallscreamatthesistene

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Also with regards to getting out with the pram - I dont think I did until 5 or so weeks. I just didnt feel confident enough. Even then it was a walk to the post box 50m down the road and back.

Dont beat yourself up over it. It doesnt really matter.

Im posting a lot on this thread because I feel so strongly we should all talk about this more. I feel like it would do a world of good.

[londewy123]

I also found 3 weeks a horrendous tipping point.
The novelty of our new baby/ sleepless nights/ change in general life had worn off by that point and I was beyond exhausted. (The kind of tired that leaves you feeling like your nerves are wired!)

I remember my sister came round (sorry as this is even harder to hear during lockdown) and she basically forced me to take a lunchtime nap but I was so overtired myself I couldn't sleep at that point.
Eugh. The first 3-6 weeks are rough. This is when some babies (ours) really test you!
It gets better! It REALLY does.
I don't know you personally (obviously) and don't know if you have PND or maybe you're just supremely knackered? You need to speak with your husband/ friends/ family / health visitor to figure that out.

At 3 weeks I literally broke from tiredness. I forced my husband to split the "night shift" so I could get 4-5 hours bulk sleep. I went to bed at 7.30-8 and would then wake for a feed at 1,2,sometimes 3.
I'd just strongly urge you to communicate with your partner and share the load. Yes, this will pass but being sleep deprived is brutal and can cloud judgement so maybe that's a big factor in what you're feeling too?

[Horehound]

Also rem infacol...that can actually make reflux worse.
My baby had gas and reflux and we gave infacol which worked wonders for the gas but was hell for reflux. I remember we would spend hours holding the baby upright in the middle of the night so he could sleep.
Then it eventually bettered it self to sleeping on me with me wedged between a v shaped pillow. And then finally around four months he slept on his tummy and still does at 8 months old.

[cazinge]

I agree, totally normal. I tried for 5 years to have DS (now 2) & I remember many nights crying to DP that I didn't think I loved him. I even shouted at DS once and told him he'd ruined my life. I apologised to the dog all the time that she wasn't the baby anymore. I genuinely think I would have given him back. I faked it until I made it (although I had serious anxiety when I went back to work @ 10 mo which could have been delayed PND).

Now, I genuinely have that tiger mother love. I honestly think he is he best thing ever and I adore him, I don't know exactly when it happened but he is my world. Dc2 is due in 4 weeks and I'm now worried I won't love them ad much as DS but rationally I know it will come.

Be kind to yourself, and seek help.

[sunshine294]

Hi OP, reading your post brings back everything I went through a year ago with my baby. He had reflux and then probably colic and cried constantly for the first 5 months of his life. It was just awful and my mental health was in tatters. I just had no idea how overwhelming the feelings of stress, inadequacy and isolation would be in that situation. I felt truly desperate in that time and just wanted to disappear. I could go on about the crying itself but I wanted to let you know about my experiences of bonding with my baby. It took me 6 weeks to feel anything at all and then quite a few more weeks on top of that before I could say that I loved them. Even at 5 months I remember saying to my mum that I’d made a mistake. I felt so guilty for these feelings as I’d made the choice to bring this baby into the world and then the one person who was supposed to love them unquestionably just didn’t. A year on things are completely different. It got more bearable in stages. The first two months were sheer hell and I just tried to survive it. Month 2-5 were still pretty brutal but at least I knew what I was doing (sort of), but it was also when I felt my lowest. Months 6-10 were better as my baby started to form a bit of a personality and I felt like were doing more than just the feed/cry/change/cry routine and there were some really lovely moments. At month 10 it started to get so much better and that was when I was able to focus a bit more on trying to build myself up again. He’s a year old now and it’s taken me the full year to truly feel like having my baby has been the best thing I’ve ever done. They’re funny and great company and I find myself just staring at them for ages thinking how amazing they are. A year ago I wouldn’t have thought that would be possible. I think what I’m trying to say in this message that got so much longer than I intended, is to hang in there. It might get worse before it gets better but it will get better. Keep an eye on your mental health and symptoms of PND. And tell your partner what he needs to do to keep you as well as you can be in such a stressful, overwhelming period of your life.

[DamnYankee]

God I hated having a newborn. It was awful
^This. And other people seemed to loooove this stage and had infants that slept all the time. I was convinced I was broken, somehow.

Like PP, I also had PP MH issues. I'd call your M/W or Dr.

This is not a gloom and doom post. I just don't think I could add much more to the conversation.

[isitspringyet23]

I remember I felt so alone and scared in the first weeks of my boy being born too.

It is relentless and exhausting. These tiny new borns give you nothing and it does feel like a constant merry go round of feed , burp change , try to sooth to sleep.

I remember every1 used to say to me it will get better and I just used to think WHEN ??!!Id constantly think when will it get better because it was so hard and non stop. I struggled most with not being able to unwind ... I'd always had time to relax , sit on my phone, read a book, watch a series on tv ... then having had a new born it just stopped overnight , I didn't have the time anymore and I found I was just in a constant state of anxiety I would be so scared of the night feeds I would get myself so worked up come 6-7pm thinking about what was ahead of me which made me not be able to unwind and relax even more .

It is a strange , scary and sometimes really lonely place to be , especially in the middle of the night when u feel like ur the only person awake . But honestly believe me when I say it does get better . It really does . Ur baby is just three weeks old, be kind to yourself , ur learning what this brand new baby likes and dislikes. I remember during night feeds id get so anxious about changing his bum because he hated the wet wipes on him and I'd get so worked up about having to do it after each feed because I knew he hated it and I'd worry about it because I didn't want him to cry but when I think about it now i laugh because he needed his bum changing

OP be kind to yourself ... you will get there, babies are a whole different crazy kind of world , but they really are amazing when u start to see yourself and ur other half merged into one cheeky little small person. The new born days are tough but you will manage

[user1471465987]

I'm sitting holding a 9 week old so please excuse my typing but i didn't want to read and run. I am also a first time mum so don't have huge amounts of wisdom to pass on, but I agree with the (sympathetic) above posters who say that this is a truly unrelenting stage and it will pass. My LB is rather velcro too, but is increasingly happy on a playmat and now he is smiling (sometimes when not refluxing), it is all more rewarding.

Remember that this is also an unprecedented time to be a first time parent - there is NOBODY else to give you a break for 10 mins, or to make you a cup of tea, or to meet in person to hold the baby or to reassure you that the behaviours of your child are normal in real time rather than over video. Mumsnet always advises new parents to take up every offer of help, to get visitors to make themselves useful. Please don't underestimate how difficult it is to do this day in day out with no prospect of someone else holding your baby for a bit or helping with chores etc. (Hats off to people in this situation before CV) Also there are no baby groups etc for additional support...just remember that, and how well you are doing - even if you don't think you are.

Push your HV for more advice. Mine has actually been great and commented that lots of first time parents are more anxious than she usually experiences due to the situation. Re reflux, Carobel milk thickener has helped with vomming for us, but downside is constipation, so swapped problems....but it is otc so worth a try?

Be kind to yourself - you've got this mamma!

[SRK16]

Echoing all the PP’s. The early weeks are so so hard. I don’t think anything can prepare you. It does get better, but I know that may not help you right now, for me there was a definite improvement at 6-8 weeks. Sleep made a huge difference for me, if your partner can help by walking the baby in the sling for an hour or so then you could nap, or have a shower or just be ‘you’. Definitely speak to your midwife, and speak to your partner. You are doing everything you can for your baby, don’t need to feel guilty. You will get through this xx

[zaffa]

Oh OP. Some of what you're saying does sound like PND and you should discuss with your health visitor. I had a lot of anxiety following birth at the end of last year and my health visitor was amazing.

Some of what you're saying is normal. Very few people have an easy baby that sleeps and chills out - it is mostly never having a minute to yourself and feeling like you are constantly in need. The exhaustion is unreal / I remember sobbing to my mother about two weeks in because I didn't understand when I would sleep and I was always tired. So very tired. MIL had to come and spend the day for the first few days DH went back to work because I was too tired

I promise it gets better. You adjust to the sleeping and you adjust to the never being alone as well - but if you're also battling PND (and the hormones are an absolute killer - so many women struggle after birth) it will be so much harder so use the support that is available. My experience of the HV and all the medical providers is that they are supportive and know what you're going through

Be kind to yourself - it's ok to just exist with the baby in a cycle of eating and sleeping and do nothing else for a while x

[supermanisdead]

I have been in your position, twice!

Someone once described having a baby to me as having a grenade thrown into your life. Everything gets thrown up in the air. It's scary as heck. But eventually it will all come back down again and settle, it will be different but it will be ok. You cannot explain to someone what it is truly like, the experience is beyond words.

As for your worry of the effect on your baby - My kids have both turned out amazingly, whether it's in spite of or because of what we went through I don't know!

A couple of words of advice

1. Tell your OH and see your doctor. It will massively help.

1. Pick a mantra - something you say over to yourself to soothe yourself when you are feeling panicky. Mine was 'this is only for now'. Things change SO quickly and after a few months being a mother gets SO much easier!! I remember when my first turned 5 and I looked back and couldn't pinpoint when it had happened but I had my life back! It had been so gradual but we got there.

Please don't be hard on yourself - look how many of us have been where you are. You will get through this - this is only for now.

[Womanlywiles]

I just want to mention your own body. During pregnancy you climbed a huge hormonal hill. In the first 3 months the increase in hormonal changes is so steep and so fast it's what gives us morning sickness. When you finally get to the top you plateau for the rest of the pregnancy and most women feel a lot better.

Now you have had the baby your body is crashing down from that hormonal height back down to more normal hormonal levels. This usually takes a few weeks as your brain adjusts. You are literally going through a withdrawal experience.

That is the reason many mums on top of the exhaustion and recovering from the birth, find themselves crying "for no reason" and just feeling extremely emotionally fragile. THIS IS NORMAL. You are not a failure for feeling like shit, you literally just made a baby and gave birth.

This is why in traditional cultures a flock of women would come around to the house and look after the mom for a good three months. In Japan it's still traditional for a woman to be paid to come to the house and look after the mother and baby for the first few months. She feeds the mother good food to get her strength back, she looks after the baby so the mum can sleep etc. Rest and care helps the mother recover and gets her hormonal equilibrium back.

You don't have that help and luxury, I didn't either and that's the one thing I really hope I can do for my dds in the future.

So, there is nothing wrong with you and you are doing everything right. Don't spend money taking the baby to different treatments other than checking in with your GP/pediatrician.

Any money should be spent on YOU. See if anyone can help you, if you can afford it you can get a post-partum doula who will look after you and the baby or can come a few times a week.

Ask for help. Anyone who might be able to come over and help, ask them and be honest tell them you are struggling ALL NEW MOTHERS STRUGGLE!

Contact your midwife, tell her how you are feeling and ask her for help. You should be screened for PND must what you are experiencing is very typical.

Make sure your partner gives you the chance to sleep. Sleep deprivation makes everything worse and prevents you from thinking clearly. It's a known form of torture.

You will bond with your baby you are just going through a huge upheaval right now. Your baby is DEFINITELY bonded with you!

[fedupandlookingforchange]

It’s a difficult stage and you are doing it in exceptionally difficult times.
A few things that worked for me were old fashioned gripe water sorted the wind out.
a dummy as DS liked to comfort suck and the dummy extended the length of his sleep. He gave it up without any prompting at 18 months.
Warm the cot/basket whatever they sleep in with a hot water bottler before you put them down asleep.
DS really liked a fleece blanket and slept longer if he could feel fleece fabric. Now he sleeps on a sheepskin aged 2.
A midwife told me to put a folded up thick towel under the head end of the Moses basket to sort the reflux out. Could you raise the head end of the cot a couple of inches securely?
They do often sleep for longer outside so if you can push them out in the pram and then sit with the pram in the garden you might get a bit longer.
I didn’t bath DS until he was about 6 weeks old as he had a cord infection and I had to wait. So don’t worry about the baths.
I breast fed and spent most feeds watching catch up tv or playing on my phone, it has not had the slightest effect on DS.
Make sure you are eating well, even if that’s just good quality ready meals.

[WingingIt101]

Hi OP

I wanted to add another voice of support and comfort.
My baby is 7 weeks old and by around the 3/4 week mark when dh was back at work I remember him coming home to find me sat on the sofa with my breakfast still on the chair beside me (now cold and soggy toast) and an empty Diet Coke can to showcase all id drunk all day, with me in tears rocking a screaming Dd back and forth.
I’ve come to realise that antenatal classes - Well actually, nothing can prepare you for it all.
I still find myself now worrying I’m doing it wrong / not enough / failing at some element. I’m sure it’s the sleep deprivation, combined with the shitty current covid situation making us more isolated.

It sounds very trite of me to say it here as people said it to me and I just wanted to tell them they were wrong and to bugger off but it’s very true when people say that each stage is exactly thst, a stage. And it will pass.

Dd now sleeps 9pm-5am...ish.
I now accept that the dishes might not get done every night before bed or the ironing might not get done.
She is becoming more alert and so we can do more and engage properly with one another - it feels bloody bonkers doesn’t it wandering round the house chatting away to them and getting nothing back when they are so tiny!!

Do you have a good network of new mums from an antenatal group or something? Those 9 ladies have been my absolute rocks - I can’t believe that 3 months ago we didn’t know each other. Maybe if you do but the group isn’t that close you could reach out to just one or two that you felt closer to. I bet they’ll be experiencing similar.
As others have said I recommend being open with your HV. I told mine how I was struggling (turns out I had ptsd from labour, who knew that was a thing??!) and she spotted it and upped my calls and made me feel I had all her time and attention even though she couldn’t visit. There was no judgement just kindness.

If you’d like to chat to someone just a few weeks ahead, I’m no expert but I’m happy to be a listening ear if you want to DM me.

Take good care of yourself x

[Womanlywiles]

A dr reminds us that mums need to be helped and looked after after birth. It's normal to be exhausted and overwhelmed.

[bumblenbean]

I understand OP. I recognise everything you’ve written. With my first I was completely shell shocked and overwhelmed by how I felt. I’d been so excited whilst pregnant and although I knew it would be hard I had no idea I would feel so undone by it. It was just the terrible dawning that my life as I knew it was over - no more lie ins, no more chilled evenings with DH, no More Reading a book in peace, no more freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted.

Of course, things do change and you will get your freedom back - but at the time it is absolutely all consuming. I suffer anxiety and may have had a touch of PND (I was prescribed antidepressants which did help) but honestly I think it was just the shock of it all combined with the lack of sleep and feeling there was no end in sight.

I remember sitting in the doctor’s room sobbing saying that I felt I’d made a huge mistake and feeling so guilty as my little boy slept in his car seat at my feet, blissfully unaware of my treacherous words! I did care for him but I’d torture myself with thoughts of whether I actually loved him and felt awful knowing I would happily hand him back if I could (I adore the little sod now!)

My youngest is 20 months now and while I do still have moments of missing my old life (and I admit I sometimes feel a tad jealous of happily childless people) for the most part I love being a mum. It’s tough, it’s exhausting and your life will never be quite the same but you will find a new kind of joy in things.

Newborn stage is especially tough as you don’t get anything back, it’s just an endless cycle of attending to their every need- but it passes relatively quickly and I even miss my two being tiny squishy things now- even though I can fully remember how much I wanted them to hurry up and grow At the time!

Anyway OP things WILL get easier. Hang in there. You are not alone. And misery DOES have company in that you are definitely not the only one feeling this way!

[Bean18]

Saw this and didn’t want to run away without posting! I felt this a year ago when I became a first time mum. I didn’t instantly bond with my DD and quite frankly there were plenty of moments in the first couple of months when I seriously considered giving her away or wishing she wasn’t here when she was screaming the house down all day and night.

Firstly don’t worry about what your baby thinks of you or whether you’re going to f* up their development etc as you won’t! Not proud to admit this but there were several times when my partner and I shouted at our DD because we were so sleep deprived and couldn’t do anything to stop her screaming . Even my HV admitted that she nearly chucked her baby out the window in the early days because she felt overwhelmed and couldn’t cope! Newborns don’t need any real interaction or being sung to until they’re probably 3/4 months old in my experience. Mums that make out newborns are wonderful, enjoy the moment and cuddles etc wound me up and I was so close to snapping when I heard these things as it didn’t help you - although looking back most of my reaction was due to severe sleep deprivation and hormones. It is a constant relentless and draining experience with a newborn of feed, change nappy and sleep (or trying to get them to!) which means you don’t get time to do anything else for the first 6-8 weeks. We only went out for our first walk because some friends came to visit and really encouraged us to take our DD for a walk altogether! It did really help mentally even though it was only around the block, although I struggled with actually using the pram as a FTM! I found in the first few months if baby cried it was a case of trying a feed first, then check nappy, and then deal with over tiredness by either cuddling to sleep or use white noise (you can get apps or cuddly toys like Ewan the sheep).

My DD cried a lot and sounded in pain with her stomach making noises/gurgling, and wouldn’t be able to sleep completely flat, and she would also bring up a lot of milk (sometimes projectiled!). We found infacol didn’t do much (if you use it though give it to your baby 30 mins before feed is what my midwife recommended and it’s available in supermarkets), but gripe water and changing her to comfort formula did. We also started with a bedtime routine from about week 4 I think which helped us. It’s worth a try with different things for your baby to see what works for you - it’s frustrating as it’s time consuming process when you’re already exhausted. They won’t over feed on formula, they’ll simply throw it back up so don’t worry about over feeding just be prepared with a muslin!

You are doing amazingly well, and you’re in a really bad circumstance at the moment with Covid-19 which will make everything feel so much worse than dealing with a newborn without worrying about this virus. Only thing I can guarantee is that it will get better. For me it was around the 8-10 week mark when they’re developing a bit of personality and you get more of a gap between the feeding cycles!