I had my first baby 3 weeks ago and am really, really struggling with life with a newborn. I read lots before falling pregnant about how hard it is, but even so I don’t think I was fully prepared mentally for how difficult I’d find it.
After feeding and burping him I cuddle him to sleep for about half an hour before putting him down in his cot. In the first two weeks he would stay asleep for a good couple of hours, and I was feeling immensely grateful at what an easy baby I had. That all changed in week 3 and 90% of the time now he will wake up within 30 minutes to an hour and start crying. The only way to soothe him is by picking him up and holding him for ages until he falls asleep or by feeding him more formula. It means I barely have a minute to myself in 24 hours. The only time I do have a moment to myself is when DH takes him in the sling. DH has him now, which is why I’m able to write this post. The sling seems to really soothe him but as soon as DH takes him out he will more often than not start crying again.
I’m worried that I’m misreading his signals and over-feeding formula but how can I know for sure? I’m also worried he may have silent reflux and mentioned this to the midwife, who recommended burping more during feeding and Infacol, but from what I’ve read it doesn’t sound particularly effective. Is it worth trying Infacol and do I need a prescription? Do I need to see a cranial osteopath or a paediatrician and will this cost a lot of money? Does he even need that level of intervention and how do I know if he does?
I’m so ashamed to say this, but I don’t feel bonded to the baby at all. When feeding him I just sit there in silence, have a cry or watch TV - I know I should be singing or talking to him but I’m just so tired and sad. I’m scared of the psychological and developmental effects this lack of bonding could be having on him.
I haven’t been able to take him out the house or even bath him yet because he’s just on a constant cycle of sleep, cry, scream, nappy change, feed, cuddle, sleep, repeat. There’s no window of opportunity to do anything more than that. Taking him for a walk or bathing him both feel like mountains to climb, and I just can’t face it.
DH asked me if I loved him (baby) yesterday and I honestly don’t feel I do. I just miss the peace and ease and freedom of our old life and cuddles with our cat. It makes me so sad that DH and I will never have that again.
All my friends who are mums keep telling me to enjoy this amazing and special time. I just want to scream back at them, it’s not amazing at all, it’s hard and relentless and exhausting! I feel I’ve been tricked into having kids by everyone telling me how wonderful it is, when in fact they knew the truth all along and just wanted me to be in the same miserable boat as them. What’s the expression? Misery loves company. Or maybe it genuinely wasn’t hard at all for them and I’m the only one who’s struggling.
We don’t have any family support as both sets of parents live abroad. I think that makes things even harder.
Honestly if I could turn back time or give him back then I would do so in a heartbeat. When I think about the enormity of what I’ve done, the level of responsibility I have to this tiny person and how my life has changed completely and forever, I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack - so I’m trying not to even think about that. On top of all this we have some serious financial worries due to Covid 19 and I’m frightened that we could run out of money and lose our flat. I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this, I really don’t.
Sorry for the long post. It has helped a little to get it all out.
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Parenting
Life with new baby - completely overwhelmed
coffeelover6 · 17/05/2020 18:00
OP 
Zoom calls can be stressful at the best of times. Could you say to your parents you are just not up for it tonight (lie if necessary) and send them some pictures instead?
I have read all replies and you have had such lovely replies from people who have an idea of what you are going through. I too found motherhood very difficult at first and that was without a lockdown (my children are much older, 7 and 9 now).
I just wanted to pick up on your cat issue. I also have a cat and my first baby came as a massive shock to her. It was an adjustment for all of us, I won’t lie but we DID come out the other side. She kept her distance for a few months but then realised that she could still have cuddles again, just less and at different times of the day from before. I know it’s too far ahead to think about but the cat now comes and shares bedtime stories when she is in the right mood. Or sits with DH or me in the evenings when the kids are in bed (I know, probably too far ahead to think of that now but just in case it is helpful). We found that once we got some semblance of an evening back the cat wanted to be with us again and she adjusted to that being ‘her’ time.
Just to say as well I found things did get a very little bit better at 6 months. I had found things exceptionally hard before that. A price of advice I found incredibly helpful was to forget about your old life, at least for now anyway. I used to really dwell on how ‘easy’ things were pre-baby and found it really helped me to actively stop myself from doing that.
Give your health visiting team a ring if you think it will help .
That first month really is relentless OP. You are doing a fantastic job!
I found myself wishing the days away but also dreading the nights as I was so exhausted from lack of sleep and feed up of feeding every 2 hours day and night.
I will admit that on occasion when the baby had been screaming non stop for hours, I thought 'I could easily fling you out the window right now'. Obviously I never would have done this but the fact I had that thought did scare me a little.
Just try to get through each day and tick it off in your head. Get your OH to help as much as possible. Use a sling to help his baby get to sleep. I find they settle much easier in one and tend to sleep for longer.
The best thing you can do is speak to people about how you are feeling like you are doing now. Tell your parents you are struggling, I'm sure they will be able to help even if it is just to listen to you while you have a rant and sometimes you just need a good cry to let it all out.
Hugs OP. It will get better soon and you will forget just how horrendous those first few weeks can be 
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@coffeelover6
For me, by 6 weeks I had gotten in to more of a routine myself. Before I felt like I was flailing uncontrollably through the days with no real naps or feeding schedule and feeling completely drained by the time I went to bed despite doing nothing all day. I had started bathing her more than once a week 
and developed a bedtime routine. Tonight she went down in 4 minutes from screaming to fast asleep with the help of the baby white noise playlist on Spotify - definitely worth a try!
Daytime naps also become more predictable and feeds have become shorter. Once they become more aware of their surroundings, they are much more fun to play with.
The smiling is also pretty great too though 
As a side note OP, I can't remember if I mentioned it in a previous post but it is worth downloading the wonder weeks app. It really helped me when her behaviour suddenly flipped one day. I thought I was going to lose my mind but it really helped me to understand leaps and when to expect them so that you can prepare yourself as best you can. I must say, it has been pretty accurate for my baby who is now in her second leap and very clingy during the day time.
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