Life with new baby - completely overwhelmed

[coffeelover6]

I had my first baby 3 weeks ago and am really, really struggling with life with a newborn. I read lots before falling pregnant about how hard it is, but even so I don’t think I was fully prepared mentally for how difficult I’d find it.

After feeding and burping him I cuddle him to sleep for about half an hour before putting him down in his cot. In the first two weeks he would stay asleep for a good couple of hours, and I was feeling immensely grateful at what an easy baby I had. That all changed in week 3 and 90% of the time now he will wake up within 30 minutes to an hour and start crying. The only way to soothe him is by picking him up and holding him for ages until he falls asleep or by feeding him more formula. It means I barely have a minute to myself in 24 hours. The only time I do have a moment to myself is when DH takes him in the sling. DH has him now, which is why I’m able to write this post. The sling seems to really soothe him but as soon as DH takes him out he will more often than not start crying again.

I’m worried that I’m misreading his signals and over-feeding formula but how can I know for sure? I’m also worried he may have silent reflux and mentioned this to the midwife, who recommended burping more during feeding and Infacol, but from what I’ve read it doesn’t sound particularly effective. Is it worth trying Infacol and do I need a prescription? Do I need to see a cranial osteopath or a paediatrician and will this cost a lot of money? Does he even need that level of intervention and how do I know if he does?

I’m so ashamed to say this, but I don’t feel bonded to the baby at all. When feeding him I just sit there in silence, have a cry or watch TV - I know I should be singing or talking to him but I’m just so tired and sad. I’m scared of the psychological and developmental effects this lack of bonding could be having on him.

I haven’t been able to take him out the house or even bath him yet because he’s just on a constant cycle of sleep, cry, scream, nappy change, feed, cuddle, sleep, repeat. There’s no window of opportunity to do anything more than that. Taking him for a walk or bathing him both feel like mountains to climb, and I just can’t face it.

DH asked me if I loved him (baby) yesterday and I honestly don’t feel I do. I just miss the peace and ease and freedom of our old life and cuddles with our cat. It makes me so sad that DH and I will never have that again.

All my friends who are mums keep telling me to enjoy this amazing and special time. I just want to scream back at them, it’s not amazing at all, it’s hard and relentless and exhausting! I feel I’ve been tricked into having kids by everyone telling me how wonderful it is, when in fact they knew the truth all along and just wanted me to be in the same miserable boat as them. What’s the expression? Misery loves company. Or maybe it genuinely wasn’t hard at all for them and I’m the only one who’s struggling.

We don’t have any family support as both sets of parents live abroad. I think that makes things even harder.

Honestly if I could turn back time or give him back then I would do so in a heartbeat. When I think about the enormity of what I’ve done, the level of responsibility I have to this tiny person and how my life has changed completely and forever, I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack - so I’m trying not to even think about that. On top of all this we have some serious financial worries due to Covid 19 and I’m frightened that we could run out of money and lose our flat. I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this, I really don’t.

Sorry for the long post. It has helped a little to get it all out.

Just a reminder of some of the unexpected surprises that come with having a baby. So if you are having any of these physical symptoms they are also typical.

A constantly crying baby is enough to make anyone sad. It's horrible. He might have silent reflux. My dd did and was inconsolable. Only slept in the sling or in my arms. Even a walk in the pram she'd just be screaming and everyone staring at me. Seek help from your gp if infacol doesn't help ( it won't if it's reflux). They'll want to try gaviscon and coleif first but we ended up on ranitidine and she was much calmer after that. Hang in there. The first few weeks of my dd's life were some of the darkest I've ever had, but it did pass and you will fall in love with your baby. It's just hard right now because you're overwrought and exhausted.

Oh, OP you sound exactly like I did when my Son was a newborn. I find babies extremely boring but assumed I'd feel differently about my own child. Turns out that I found him incredibly boring as a newborn too. He was also very hard work and I just felt lied to about the whole experience of being a parent.

He was about 2.5 months old when I just snapped. He'd been crying in my arms for the past hour and I felt like I had failed as a mother because I had no idea what was wrong, and I decided in that moment that the beat option for both of us would be to throw myself out of the window of my flat. Thankfully, I phoned my partner instead and he phoned the GP. I was diagnosed with PND, put on Sertraline, and given a lot of support. It wasn't an easy time but I slowly felt more in control and with time started to bond with my son. He's now 18 months old and I feel like a "normal" parent who sometimes knows exactly what they're doing and other times has no bloody idea. Most importantly is that I'm now enjoying myself and my new family.

There is no shame in struggling right now, I would suggest asking someone for help though so that you can make positive steps rather than staying in a bad place mentally. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat. You can do this Mama!

Oh OP, every single mum on here will know exactly how you feel.

You bring this new baby home, and for the first week or so they hardly cry and you think "ahhh I've got this"

And then around 3 weeks everything changes and they cry for no reason and it's hell.

Read up on the 4th trimester, it should bring you some peace.

My DS didn't sleep longer than 2 hours for around 5-6 months. He lived in a sling during the day and we co slept at night.

The only 3 bits of half decent advice I can give you are these:

1. Do what feels natural. Do not feel pressured/read books etc and think you're doing it wrong. Motherly instinct is your best friend
2. Baby will not be harmed if they cry for a few minutes. If you need a break, put baby in the cot safely and leave the room for a minute to get yourself together
3. Seek professional help if you feel yourself getting the blues

I love love love being a parent now DS is a toddler, but those newborn days were rough and filled with the unknown.

Absolutely - do not read the books!!!!!! I only started to feel sane again once i dumped them at the 16 week point.

They are all so different.

It took me a long time to figure that out and accept it.

These are not the best of times for anyone and I think it would be very difficult to have a newborn st the moment. Please be kind to yourself - I remember the What have I done thoughts and feeling like I’d been run over by a bus. I also know what it’s like not to have any family support. It does sound like PND but don’t under-estimate the bone- crushing effects of sleep-deprivation . Please reach out to your GP and HV. There are also charities which do PND support and counselling and I’m sure you will be able to FaceTime etc. You can see from many posters here that you are not alone and that you will get through this. We are thinking of you. X

Just another little handhold. It's so difficult. Things did look up when my baby started smiling around 6 weeks and I hope you get useful support from here and your GP/health visitor.

You could be right about silent reflux. That's really hard to deal with and if you're getting PND it will exacerbate it. You can prop the cot or moses basket up at the head or keep him in the sling as upright as possible after a feed.
It is very hard to parent a high needs baby. If it is reflux, it will get easier and you will one day love them as much as you hoped you would.

My little one will be 8 weeks tomorrow, so the rock bottom feeling of week 3 is still very fresh in my mind.
I agree that if you’re reading any books you should stop - I tried to follow The Baby Whisperer book and it only made me feel that my baby was broken as she wasn’t following any of the info in there and also made me feel like a failure.
I also felt that we made a huge mistake having a baby (and we needed recurrent miscarriage treatment to have her in the first place!) so I felt like the worst person in the world and that I was failing her. My turning point was a chat to my sister who made me feel a lot less like a monster as she had also felt like returning the baby, that her life had changed for the worse, that she hated the baby... she also said “the first few months are about survival”, and that had a big impact on me. It’s not about doing the right thing, but it’s about doing whatever you need to do to get through this awful first stage. In my case it was co-sleeping (something my midwife said we should NEVER do), breastfeeding while lying in bed as we both fall asleep... it was a game changer! As you are bottle feeding, ask your partner to help with the night feeds. And if he’s working from home or furloughed, ask him to take the baby out for a walk at lunch time so that you have some time for yourself (this is what my husband does every day). Also, I start my day early so that I can shower, tidy up the room and put a wash on while my husband still has some time before starting his working day.
The other thing that helped me was not to expect too much: babies will be babies and as it’s difficult for us to adapt to having a little one around, they also take time to adapt to being outside of the womb. Just ride the wave! Time does go quicker than I thought it would... She is the only baby we’ll have and I went from “just focus on the fact that I will never have an X day old baby again” to suddenly feeling “aww, I will never have an X day old baby again!”. Now I remind myself that every day takes me closer to the day she will sleep though the night (now she sleeps 4-4.5 hour stretches).
Unfortunately this seems to be a tabu (like miscarriage): no one talks about but is a lot more common than we think! Just remember you’re not alone!

Hi

I really struggled for the first month after my baby was born. Felt like I was alone in really hating every moment. It felt like I was just feeding and then he was sleeping and we weren’t really having any time to bond properly.

As soon as he started to smile, around a month, things got better and our bond strengthened. I thought it would never get better, but it did. Hang in there and make sure to ask for help if you need it.

Hi OP, I could have written this exact post when I had my LB 3 years ago and I suspect I may feel exactly the same when we have number 2 (who is due next week!). Please speak to your midwife or health visitor about PND, I didn’t realise I had it until months later but once I got some helped it eased. These first few months are though, especially with a baby who sounds like has colic. Have you tried comfort milk? That helped my son, it’s slightly thicker so they don’t get as much wind. We also used infacol (you can buy online from boots) and saw a craniosacral therapist who helped no end, some are doing online consultations.

The very first thing I suggest you do is give baby to your DH, go for a long hot bath and then go to bed. Sleep deprivation is your biggest enemy. It’s amazing what a few hours sleep will do. Then get out for a walk, I know it seems like a huge effort but it’s 100% worth it.

Don’t worry or feel guilty about how you’re feeling, a lot of mums feel this way, but please speak to your midwife, HV or GP and they will help.

You’re doing amazingly.

I felt exactly the same as you, OP. I found having a newborn extremely hard going and had no idea how intense it would be. I remember saying to my husband after 2 weeks that I thought we’d made a mistake and that despite my dreams to become a mum, that it actually wasn’t for me. I distinctly remember at about 8 weeks we were in a restaurant and my DD just wouldn’t stop crying. I was so mortified and had no idea how to placate her. I went out to my car and just sobbed. No other babies seemed to be such hard work.

I found nearly the whole first year pretty difficult, but at 11 months when DD started to talk and was on the verge of walking, something just clicked and I felt the true deep love I expected. Although I still struggle with looking back at that first year, I accept I’m simply not a newborn person. I had always imagined being a parent of an older child when we could chat, laugh and do things together. I love being a mum now (although that’s not to say it isn’t still quite hard), but they become more independent and you won’t feel so smothered.

I wish I had sought help as I really think I had PND. I also think lockdown might be compounding your feelings. Best of luck and don’t beat yourself up over your baby’s development. X

@Letsallscreamatthesistene the cat reference made me laugh out loud as I thought the exact same. Why the f*ck did I not just stick to cats?! 🤣 so much more easygoing!

Also, thanks to all other posters for sharing their experiences. As I just said, I still struggle when I look back at that first year, so hearing I wasn’t alone is hugely reassuring as I do think we’re bombarded with notions of instant love and joy.

The first 6 or so weeks are really tough OP.

I would definitely speak to your HV and GP to rule out PND just in case. But if it’s not PND it’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed.

I personally didn’t feel as though I didn’t bond with DS when he was born but I remember crying one night that my DH could change a nappy quicker than me and so I was a bad mother. And feeling you’ll never get to sleep is normal but you will.

Things that helped when DS had silent reflux were infacol and baby gaviscon. The gaviscon has to be recommended by a doctor before the pharmacy will agree to give it to you. We found lying flat was a problem for DS so a bouncer during the day helped but they aren’t supposed to sleep in them so I would watch him for 30 mins in the bouncer after feeding and then transfer him to the Moses basket. That way I could at least eat something or brush my hair or whatever rather than hold him for 30 mins after a feed.

Try get dressed every day (regardless of whether you have time to shower) and walking really really helps both you and baby. Forget about the housework until DP gets home and prioritize getting out of the house, even if it’s only a short distance from your house. With the reflux I found DS settled great in the pram and slept longer, my GP told me the fresh air really helps them.

Best of luck x

I don’t have any specific advice on the feeding/sleeping other than to say that babies are really unpredictable in the first couple of months and then settle down. It might be that you are having an off couple of days and things might improve in a day or so.

If it helps, I am a second time mum with a 5 week old and I am finding it a nightmare too. I told my husband I didn’t want the baby anymore this morning as I am so fed up. I had forgotten how hard the newborn phase is and it’s so much more difficult this time around as we can’t go out and about and see friends and other support mechanisms.

What’s keeping me going at the moment is that it does get easier quickly. From around 6 weeks the baby will have more alert time when you will be able to bathe them, put them on a playmat or in a bouncy chair and it will be easier to get out. It also won’t be long until bedtime will become early eg 7-8pm and then you will get your evenings back. I think maybe from 3 months the baby will get into a routine of 6-7 bottles a day and 3 daytime naps.

As youre formula feeding perhaps dad can take over in the evening so that you can go for a walk and have a bath perhaps? This might help you feel more like your old self.

I have the book ‘your baby week by week’ which I found helpful first time around as it gave me an idea of what to expect each week and it’s not preachy or judgemental and doesn’t tell you that you should be loving it!

If you want someone to chat to I’d be happy to exchange numbers as I am hating it too right now!

Your feelings are very normal, but it could be worth speaking to your HV or GP.

It all gets a bit better when they start interacting with you, smiling for you, and other things like that.

The beginning is HARD. I’m 12 weeks in and there are things he does that now make up for the lack of sleep etc. Hang in there and don’t be afraid to ask your HV of GP for help if you need it

Thank you so, so much for your replies - it has brought me to tears knowing there are others out there who understand and get it!! I can’t tell you how much it has helped. Thank you again for your kindness and I will try to reply and update as soon as I get a moment x

Home Start is also an organization that can offer help. They will send a volunteer (or have someone call you at this current time) and give you practical help and support at least once a week. They befriend you and give you the help you need. Anyone can contact them but they especially focus on mothers with babies and young children.

www.home-start.org.uk

How can being imprisoned with a demanding and ungrateful boss who needs your time and attention (loving attention that is) 24/7 and who screams and cries regularly, thus making you distressed and emotional.

Whilst those around you (DH in particular) are allowed to carry on with their normal, easy, lazy life, whilst you know you are stuck with this boss for years, and friends and family tell you you are soooo lucky (rather than EVER mentioning they had a similar experience themselves).

15 reasons some mums don't bond (and how to overcome them)
www.babygaga.com/15-reasons-some-moms-dont-bond-with-their-baby/

It's Ok if you don't bond with you newborn right away (with ideas to help you bond)
offspring.lifehacker.com/its-ok-if-you-dont-bond-with-your-newborn-right-away-1832628796

I also suffered from PND after my third baby but I didn't realize this is what was going on until he was 9-12 months old. I had bonded but I didn't feel my normal self. When I started taking anti-depressants what surprised me was my mind became very calm and quiet. I hadn't realised I was RUMINATING and running thoughts over in my mind constantly. Once my mind stilled I realised for the first time I had actually been experiencing ANXIETY more than depression and in fact new studies show that mood disorder after birth is frequently experienced more as anxiety (which makes complete sense when you think of the huge responsibility we suddenly have and how we all want to do it right). I think I probably had depression too but it was relief from my anxiety that really helped me. I just wished I had taken medication earlier. I only needed it for a few months (maybe 6, I really can't remember) and it felt like it gave my mind a reset and I am so glad I took it.

Having a baby for most women is the biggest upheaval in our lives. It also suddenly gives us something in common with other women who we might not have felt any connection to before.
www.cope.org.au/new-parents/postnatal-mental-health-conditions/postnatal-anxiety/

"(rather than EVER mentioning they had a similar experience themselves)."

My SIL told me that the first 3 months were "really shit", so some women are brutally honest!

I could’ve written some of that post when my DD was that age. Honestly I totally, totally get it. The ‘feeling tricked in to having kids’ - I couldn’t have put it better myself. No one I know apart from my sister feels the same as me. I love my daughter uncontrollably now, but it took some serious grit determination to survive those days. No one told me that sleep deprivation would make me feel like I’m literally losing my mind, and how any form of perspective disappears and you desperately try to claw it back. I hated how people would be so trivial about it and say ‘how’re you coping with the sleepless nights’ and laugh afterwards. I used to stand and think ‘how is that fucking funny. Why does everyone find the lack of sleep funny? There’s nothing funny about it!!’
Three words. HANG IN THERE. I was diagnosed with PND by the way, as PP have mentioned I think it’s worth discussing this with your GP or health visitor. You need support in those early days. Your friends may not have experienced the same things you are. My friend had a baby the same time as me and hers slept for hours in the Moses basket from day one and slept 8 hours a night from one month old. My DD woke hourly and is now 13 months and still does not sleep through the night. She hated the car, hated being put down, hated sleeping independently so we ended up co sleeping, hated the pram, hated the bottle. Honestly, look up the term high needs baby. I believe some are born high needs and others aren’t. You are not alone in how you feel but I do want you to know it does get better even though it feels like it won’t ever! This is the side of motherhood that is taboo and no one likes to talk about but it’s reality and you aren’t crazy or cold. Forgive yourself and take each day at a time and don’t think further than that. The first year was a blur for me but it’s getting easier.
You’re doing great, but I cannot stress enough the importance of calling upon help/resources when you need them. There’s some amazing support out there!

OP- I was you last year. I felt exactly the same, wondered why I had had another baby (he was so longed for, as his sister was stillborn 2 years before), and I spent so long wondering why I had him. It is BRUTAL, you will feel like you have lost "you", a trip to the shop will feel like a holiday and I used to drive around just so I wasn't home BUT it will get better I promise. My son is now 14 months and the light of my life.
I was diagnosed with PND when he was 4 months old and medication is a godsend. Be gentle with yourself and speak to a doctor. It does take some getting used to, so take it day by day, hour by hour. x

Oh OP I wish I could give you a big hug! Your post took my right back to the newborn days I'd almost forgotten about. It does and will get better, but I remember feeling like we'd made such a big mistake in the early days and missed our freedom and just the ability to leave the house without planning for hours and multiple clothes and nappy changes! I also had a refluxy baby so was covered in puke multiple times a day for the first 7 months

The tiredness was the worst for me. If baby is formula fed you would be best to take it in shifts with your partner and each of you get a solid 4 hour chunk of sleep. Your baby sounds totally normal in my experience, they dont do much in the early days and they dont need you to do anything other than feed, change and hold them. Try a sling, I never could figure them out but I had friends who swore by them.

My DS is now 14 months and honestly those relentless newborn days are a distant memory. He only started sleeping through from 11 months but once their little personality starts to come through from about 10-12 weeks I found it gradually got easier and you get more confident at recognising their different cries etc.

You will get there OP, none of us are perfect mothers and all of us struggle at some point. It's hard work raising these gorgeous little terrors. And just when you think you've got it all sussed they will change again and mess it all up

I’m just checking in to say that today has been tough. The baby seems to be waking for food more frequently now (every 2.5 to 3 hours as opposed to 3-4 hours).

This morning he was fed at 4.45am then woke again at 7am. I changed, fed, burped and held him for 20 minutes to soothe him to sleep, which took me to around 8.30. I was then able to put him down for 15 minutes until he suddenly got hiccups, so I picked him up again, burped him for a bit, got rid of the hiccups and then held him until he went back to sleep. By this point it was about 9.15am. I finally put him down again and then at 9.45am he started crying and screaming for another feed! It’s been like that for the whole day and I haven’t been able to get any sleep - it’s relentless.

I know some posters said things get better around the 6 week mark, and others have said 3 months. I’m desperately hoping it’s sooner rather than later for me, because I don’t think I can make it to 3 months.

I feel so guilty that I’m wishing this special time away and will probably look back and regret it, but I’m really struggling.

I’ve read comments before where people say that as soon as your baby smiles at you or says they love you then it makes it all worthwhile, but I can’t imagine that right now. I don’t feel I need a little person to smile at me or love me - if it was a choice between that and getting my sleep back, I’d choose the second one every time.

I’m trying not to think about it, but every now and then it hits me what a massive, irreversible thing I’ve done by having this baby and how my life will never be the same again. When I think about that I just feel total despair.

We’re due a Zoom call with my parents tonight and the thought of it is exhausting me. I feel I have to paint on a happy face and act like everything’s ok, otherwise I will crack and I don’t want them to worry, especially as they live so far away.

The baby is due to wake again any moment now and I’m dreading it.