I massively lost my shit with ds

[NastyOldBag]

And now I feel awful.

He’s 7yo and it’s the first time I’ve ever been absolutely furious with him. I’ve just split up from Dh and with that and the stress of trying to keep my elderly parents safe and well I’m just done in and exhausted emotionally and physically.

I was doing a little experiment thing with him and ds2 where you put pepper in water and show how soap moves it (trying to encourage hand washing). I was in the middle of chatting to dc’s about it and ds1 just decided to leave the room. I said
‘Ds can you come back?’ and he just ignored me and went and sat in the sitting room. I sat next to him and told him that he can’t just walk out, if he’s not interested in something, I don’t mind if he doesn’t want to do it but he needs to just say so before he walks out of the room. He continues to ignore me and picks up his Yugioh cards. I said ‘ds, I’m talking to you, can you at least respond to acknowledge you can hear me’. He says ‘whatever’ and points to the door signalling me to go, something Dh did and which I used to absolutely hate. I told him that was really rude and that he needed to apologise immediately or he’d be in big trouble. He rolls his eyes and says ‘whatever, just go and play with your pepper’. At this point I just lost it and grabbed his cards out of his hand and threw them out of the window.

Ds is now finally asleep having sobbed about his cards for a good 40 minutes. They immediately blew all over the garden, it’s absolutely pouring down outside and I refused to let him out to get them. He gets £4 a week pocket money which is enough to buy a pack of 5 cards. I threw about 50 out of the window, he’s been collecting them for months.

I now feel absolutely horrible. He’s due to see his dad tomorrow and I know he’s going to complain about me to him. He goes to a yugioh club after school once a week and now won’t be able to go as he has no cards. His parents are splitting up and I’ve just thrown his favourite thing in the world out of the window.

Should I go and see if any are salvageable?

I actually wouldn’t rush out to salvage or replace the cards.

He was being extremely rude and imitating his father’s abusive behaviour.

He has to learn there are consequences to his actions.

Once everyone’s calm, you can talk to him and listen to him. He is probably feeling upset at the break up and probably blaming you being the safest option.

I would moving forward, slowly replace them, so if he’s good reward him with packs till he’s got his collection back.

But I wouldn’t be grovelling and apologising he was being rude and horrible. And deliberately nasty to you. He’s watched his father mistreat you and thinks he can too. That needs to be stopped immediately.

For what it’s worth my eldest DD used to try and behave like her father did towards me when I first split from him. My mother and sisters noticed it and would step in. I was an emotional wreck and grieving over the life I never had to do much at that point.

If he complains to his dad, let him.

I think the fact he’s waving you away like your ex husband did speaks volumes about why your marriage has failed, and it doesn’t not reflect well on his father. That’s learned behaviour and I would be focusing on that not the cards which can be replaced but only if he doesn’t behaves like this again

Tomorrow is another day.
I hope things get better soon, it is hard I know 💐

Of course, it was done to hurt!

You over reacted imo but he was incredibly rude so I don't really blame you.

He was earth shatteringly rude and dismissive to you.

If you're replacing his cards then he can earn them back, with helping out and being polite.

OP you know the score, overreacting but trying to sort it.
I suppose you're both trying to get used to post divorce life so hope you can use this as a chance to come together.

I've done similar before, snatched a thing off DC and thrown it out, they were very upset for a bit but hadn't moved out :)

Have to admit OP, when you mentioned the pointing at the door I bristled and I wasn’t even there. Can completely understand how you felt in that moment - such a trigger for how your ex treated you and the terror that he’s going the same way and guilt and all of that crap. We’re all human. You’re no exception.

@frazzledasarock
He's 7 years old. They arent that calculating. He isnt sitting there thinking "fad miastreated her so I can do because he says its ok".
He's just thinking "I dont want to have this conversation right now. What have I learned by watching my parents... oh yeah when you dont want to listen you point them out the door".

It's not his fault. You're coming at this problem with the attitude that has deliberately wanting to hurt and abuse his mum. I'm coming at it thinking that he's just copying his parents behaviour.... because that's what kids do. To punish him in such an awful way isnt the answer.

He needs to learn but not in a way that blames him.

Of course the cards should be replaced.

There should be consequences for his behaviour, certainly. But I don’t see how having this hugely upsetting thing happen to him will breed anything but resentment when he was copying his father’s behaviour, which he presumably didn’t see attract any consequence at all?
It’s horrible, but it’s a fallout of the abuse he’s witnessed. Responding with more abuse solves nothing.

Your son needed to be told about his behaviour. You may have overreacted but I don't judge you for that.
I thought the pepper experiment sounded interesting. I would have loved to do that sort of thing with my mum.

What?? So do your dc just swan in and out when it's dinner time/breakfast/homework time whenever they fancy? Even if you've asked them to sit down? I bet that goes down great when you go to a restaurant and ask them to sit down and stay still!

They’re obviously the sort of parents who let their children run riot in restaurants, spoiling everyone else’s meal.

X post.

He won't be rude like that again will he. I wouldn't apologise.
It will blow over.

He was being extremely rude, I wouldn't grovel. If I were you I would salvage as many as you can and give him them back, or replace some online, and during the conversation where you give them to him (when hopefully he will be most receptive) I would talk to him about where his sudden rudeness came from and how he is feeling about the split. If he is usually good and behaviour has suddenly deteriorated, and he is also mirroring specific things your ex would have said, then I would wager he has either been fed poison by his dad, or internalised his dad's behaviour from before the split and come to an equally negative conclusion by himself. Hopefully if you talk to him about it soon, whilst clearing the air about the cards, you can get things back on track.

Yes, you're his parent and he has had five days of people teaching him stuff at school. Let the poor kid relax. Don't make him do science experiments.

It sounds like you both have learned from your abusive ex. He's copying he behaviour and you've retaliated in a hurtful way you wouldn't have dared to do with his father.

Apologise, move on.

You all need to find new ways of being together now the abuser is gone.
You will find your own ways of resolving conflict but it won't be overnight.

My DS never ruined a meal in a restaurant as a child. Sure, there was the time he threw another diner’s plate across the restaurant, but that’s no big deal. We only received 9 noise complaints when he was 7, actually.

Or maybe I was able to achieve a good balance between discipline and allowing him a bit of freedom. Allowing your kids to be in whatever room they want during their downtime is a bit different from allowing them to run riot at restaurants and never go to bed.

@Weregoingonanadventure no actually I’m not attributing complicated adult reasoning to the child.

But he was imitating his father, and he does know it makes his mother run and do as she’s told because his dad is important and she’s not.

That’s the behaviour that needs to be stopped in its tracks. Otherwise it gets worse and everyone’s miserable.

I’m not sure if it’s possible OP, could speak to school see if they have a school SENCO who might be able to help?

My DD had sessions with SENCO at her school and who did CBT and taught her to manage her anxiety and anger. It really helped her.

But I wouldn’t be grovelling to him, he was misbehaving and deliberately behaving in a manner he knew was not acceptable.

You have said you get it so I won't bang on at you about salvaging and replacing (I do think you should replace the missing ones too though). Re his behaviour - I am dealing with this too - he is copying his father's behaviour because children model, and you need to be prepared for that to happen a lot, and have strategies in place to help him not behave like that, for his own sake.

If you deal with his behaviour by losing your temper, he will model you too, and at the same time it will also break his heart little by little. You need to keep connection with him, it is really important.

You can say calmly that he is not allowed to be rude to you, while also saying sorry and giving him back his cards and promising to buy him new ones.

The pepper experiment is interesting for that age especially if done with other experiments about water generally - like making a hydraulic crane with syringes, or how a water tower works - it is fascinating - so don't listen to the people who say it isn't! If he walked away he could have been not engaged with it for other reasons or upset about something else, maybe to do with your interaction with other sibling, or maybe about divorce or maybe something else, possibly do it again 1:1 sometime with him, with other water experiments, ask him if he'd like that I bet he'd say yes : )

I don’t think you did anything wrong other than littering.
He was rude. Now he knows not to be.

You are both realy stressed and upset about the break up. You both behaved appallingly. But he's seven and you're not. I really do sympathise with you as your situation sounds hellish and I know I'd lose it too under similar circumstances. But you destroyed some of his treasured possessions. How would you feel if he mirrored your actions and wrecked stuff you treasured and had saved up for? You really need to replace those cards. Confiscating them is fine, chucking them into the rain isn't.

FFS. It's not a 'trick'. It explains to kids why handwashing, and using soap, is very important - especially at the moment.

Nanogirl is ace, and a really good science communicator.

OP - I would have been tempted to chuck the cards but hopefully would have restrained. Your DS was very rude. DD has said similar; I've wanted to chuck her chromebook but instead it has been confiscated... Hope things get better for you soon.

OP, it's not an ideal reaction, but I wouldn't beat yourself up.

First of all, give yourself a break. Your'e under loads of pressure and parenting is fucking hard at the best of times.

Secondly, this is really fixable. You can apologise, buy him new cards, and also explain that his behaviour was unacceptable. Reiterate that you love him, are there for him, and care about him. It's amazing what a difference that can make.

Your son may actually be looking for boundaries from you, certainly connection. I'd suggest spending some time - special time is great. Even if it's just 10 minutes a day to do what he'd like to do, undivided attention, etc.

Take care, hope you get a chance to reconnect with him this weekend.

"You have to figure out how to get through to him that his behavior was to blame. The problem with doing something as drastic as throwing his cards out the window is that he now feels sorry for himself because of YOUR behavior to HIM instead of the other way around. Make him apologize, and tell him that if he behaves well and shows you he understand that treating you so poorly is not acceptable, then you'll help him earn back replacement cards.

This is really bad advice. No one should be made to feel that they are to blame for someone elses stress and anger."

@Dutchesss Are you serious? So you think being rude and purposely disrespectful to someone should not cause an angry reaction? Good luck sending kids out into the real world with misinformation like that. When you're mean to people, they get mad at you. That is perfectly normal and predictable.

OP is a human being. She was treated badly and reacted accordingly. Lesson learned at 7 instead of 37 or 47, or never, as OP's DH seems to have skipped it altogether.

You said in your op he us 7
You split with his dad
You are stressed
Give him some slack
DC acted out when I left exp including copying his behaviour
Recognize it and be the adult.
Try not to let your stress out on him
It s hard

But you need to take deep breaths and stay calm