I massively lost my shit with ds

[NastyOldBag]

And now I feel awful.

He’s 7yo and it’s the first time I’ve ever been absolutely furious with him. I’ve just split up from Dh and with that and the stress of trying to keep my elderly parents safe and well I’m just done in and exhausted emotionally and physically.

I was doing a little experiment thing with him and ds2 where you put pepper in water and show how soap moves it (trying to encourage hand washing). I was in the middle of chatting to dc’s about it and ds1 just decided to leave the room. I said
‘Ds can you come back?’ and he just ignored me and went and sat in the sitting room. I sat next to him and told him that he can’t just walk out, if he’s not interested in something, I don’t mind if he doesn’t want to do it but he needs to just say so before he walks out of the room. He continues to ignore me and picks up his Yugioh cards. I said ‘ds, I’m talking to you, can you at least respond to acknowledge you can hear me’. He says ‘whatever’ and points to the door signalling me to go, something Dh did and which I used to absolutely hate. I told him that was really rude and that he needed to apologise immediately or he’d be in big trouble. He rolls his eyes and says ‘whatever, just go and play with your pepper’. At this point I just lost it and grabbed his cards out of his hand and threw them out of the window.

Ds is now finally asleep having sobbed about his cards for a good 40 minutes. They immediately blew all over the garden, it’s absolutely pouring down outside and I refused to let him out to get them. He gets £4 a week pocket money which is enough to buy a pack of 5 cards. I threw about 50 out of the window, he’s been collecting them for months.

I now feel absolutely horrible. He’s due to see his dad tomorrow and I know he’s going to complain about me to him. He goes to a yugioh club after school once a week and now won’t be able to go as he has no cards. His parents are splitting up and I’ve just thrown his favourite thing in the world out of the window.

Should I go and see if any are salvageable?

@Talia99 talk of abuse etc is that really necessary? Stop being so melodramatic a little OTT yes abusive no

I think he is reacting to your behaviour OP. You have just taught him that when someone doesn;t listen all you need to do is picked up their prized collection that is important to him and throw it out the window. Don;t be surprised if he does the same to something precious of yours.

He is 7 and just lost his dad to a separation. You could have asked him what was really on his mind and why he didn't engage.

You lost your temper and were destructive. Buy him new cards and teach him respect not control.

I think you know that what you did was not a measured response to rude behaviour from a 7 year old.
It was a lashing out and it was chosen to inflict hurt, probably subconsciously aimed at your exdh but in fact actually distressing a child who relies on you. I feel sad on your ds's behalf, his dad's no longer at home and his mum has turned into a scary dragon. Poor kid must be so confused.

Your son was extremely rude and disrespectful and doesn't deserve to have cards replaced

He deserves £40 worth of cards bought over 10 weeks with his own pocket money destroying, meaning he can no longer attend his hobby clubs, over 1 moment of cheekiness?

God, I dread to think of the consequences your children face for serious bad behaviour.

I think the pepper thing sounds interesting.

I am sorry your DP's horrid habits have set a bad example. Just goes to show it is goodbut least that they are no longer seeing you together and getting the message that it is ok to treat people like that.

Well I don't think your behaviour was abusive, OP. It was a bit of an overreaction, which you know, but it wasn't abusive.

Try to have a good sleep tonight and then tomorrow when you're both in a different frame of mind apologise, explain that adults aren't perfect and you regret what you did. Tell him that his behaviour was unacceptable, and so was yours. Buy him a couple of packs in the morning. Maybe get on eBay and try to find a special one for when he comes back from his dad's.

Actions have consequences. Hopefully you can both learn from this.

he behaved badly but no one deserves someone destroying a collection they had worked hard on NO ONE.Your reaction was based on your stress as much as his behaviour

You know 12 out of 50 isnt enough OP you do need to replace them and have a long chat because its likely the separation and everything else (and schools are doing stuff about coronavirus) and talk to him

I dont think you were wrong. He spoke to you disgracefully and the pointing at the door especially would have me seeing red. I wouldn't be replacing them either. Good lesson that treating people like shit has consequences.

ok. one of the things we teach our children is that sometimes we get it wrong, and when we do we apologise and we try to fix it. Getting it wrong is not the end of the story. I used to apologise to my dc when I got it wrong, only the other day I apologised to dd1 (now 30) for getting pretty (over) pissed off with her for something she'd done.

if you think you got it wrong then apologise and fix it, it's a good learning experience for your ds.

Your 7 year old is going through his parents breakup and a stressed mum, please be kind to him - he will remember this for a long time.

Complete over reaction to a minor issue.

Your personal life issues have nothing to do with him and your response was appalling, not a good parenting moment at all and should be reflected on.

Why is it his fault you're divorcing or you're dealing with your parents ...

What you can do next time is remove the cards but not throw them out the window just say I will keep these until you find your manners

I get it I've split from my boys dad and they sometimes mimic "his" behaviour its unpleasant to say the least i ask my son (it's the eldest who copies him the most) if acting like his dad is the best he can do I usually get an apology

If he learns that pointing at the door is utterly unacceptable behaviour it will be worth whatever it costs you to replace a few cards.

Maybe he could earn additional pocket money with good behaviour to rebuild his collection.

Should I go and see if any are salvageable?

You threw 50 of his prized cards out the window, waited until he was in bed sobbing whilst it rained & then asked if you should rescue them.

I really wasn’t cross with him at all for leaving the room
Wasn’t anything to be cross about. He was bored, he left he didn’t make a scene or an issue over it -you did!

I’ve managed to salvage 12 of the cards. 3 of his important ones are among them though so I’m hoping that will be enough to placate him.

It isn’t. If he had trashed your most loved collection that yo had spent the majority of your life collecting and brought you back 3 chipped/battered ones would you be happy?

Honestly, I think your behaviour was both appalling and abusive. He was rude - you retaliated by destroying his favourite toy in a rage

^totally. And no matter how you press him to say he forgives you/it’s okay -it really isn’t.

Oh dear, this has gone badly for both of you hadn't it . You were absolutely right to discipline him for the way he spoke / didn't speak to you but yes, of course it should have been confiscation rather than destruction and probably a warning about what was about to happen if he didn't locate his manners.

You can still do that, though, I think? Replace but withhold for a suitable period? Nothing wrong with admitting you were wrong but then doing what you should have done once you've righted the situation. If only parenting was done in hindsight we'd all be amazing all the time!

I think he would benefit from you getting some counselling.

Wow how spiteful of you. Well done he's going to remember this for life

Good lesson that treating people like shit has consequences

Agree. Throwing peoples prized possession out the window into the rain does have consequences.

I will concur with a PP in saying that the whole pepper in water thing doesn't sound too scintillating... but actually this is nothing to do with that at all. It's the fact that his behaviour (as annoying and disrespectful as it was) was a reflection of your ex's. I get that, I really do, and it's so incredibly hard to deal with. He will also be dealing with all his feelings around the separation, and changes to the family dynamic.

Have a chat to him tomorrow, and try and draw a line under things. Explain that you were upset about his behaviour (not that it reminded you of his dad though), very tired, and worried about his grandparents (unless he will worry too much about this) whilst acknowledging that your reaction was a bit OTT.

We all have bad days, the two of you just need to find your own way of working through them together.

I've noticed that you said he's a good one and his brother is the terror.
I'd expect that his brother gets most of the attention due to his behaviour. He could just need a bit more of positive attention from you. Instead he went with what may get people noticed at home, which is bad behaviour.

He will never forget what you did and yes it was abuse. You are the fucking grown up.

You can get these cards used on line for a pittance on eBay. If you buy enough, I imagine, you’ll be able to get most of his set back or some pretty decent replacements.

We all go ott with our children sometimes.

Get over your regret and start thinking up ways of getting your son to learn how to treat people and especially his mother!

No.
Consider the effect that living with a man that was abusive to his mother has had on this child. Think of ways to mitigate that effect.

100 on Amazon for 7.99 too

No I wouldn't. He needs to learn from now to respect you. Mirroring his dad's disrespectful behaviour is beyond the limits of whats acceptable

Yep.