I massively lost my shit with ds

[NastyOldBag]

And now I feel awful.

He’s 7yo and it’s the first time I’ve ever been absolutely furious with him. I’ve just split up from Dh and with that and the stress of trying to keep my elderly parents safe and well I’m just done in and exhausted emotionally and physically.

I was doing a little experiment thing with him and ds2 where you put pepper in water and show how soap moves it (trying to encourage hand washing). I was in the middle of chatting to dc’s about it and ds1 just decided to leave the room. I said
‘Ds can you come back?’ and he just ignored me and went and sat in the sitting room. I sat next to him and told him that he can’t just walk out, if he’s not interested in something, I don’t mind if he doesn’t want to do it but he needs to just say so before he walks out of the room. He continues to ignore me and picks up his Yugioh cards. I said ‘ds, I’m talking to you, can you at least respond to acknowledge you can hear me’. He says ‘whatever’ and points to the door signalling me to go, something Dh did and which I used to absolutely hate. I told him that was really rude and that he needed to apologise immediately or he’d be in big trouble. He rolls his eyes and says ‘whatever, just go and play with your pepper’. At this point I just lost it and grabbed his cards out of his hand and threw them out of the window.

Ds is now finally asleep having sobbed about his cards for a good 40 minutes. They immediately blew all over the garden, it’s absolutely pouring down outside and I refused to let him out to get them. He gets £4 a week pocket money which is enough to buy a pack of 5 cards. I threw about 50 out of the window, he’s been collecting them for months.

I now feel absolutely horrible. He’s due to see his dad tomorrow and I know he’s going to complain about me to him. He goes to a yugioh club after school once a week and now won’t be able to go as he has no cards. His parents are splitting up and I’ve just thrown his favourite thing in the world out of the window.

Should I go and see if any are salvageable?

I agree that it’s a bit forceful to demand he watches your experiment.

His behaviour after was rude but people are rude when they are being nagged.

Sounds like your all having a tough time. I think you have under estimated the impact of the split on your eldest. Give him a hug and apologise for losing it..... lead by example

I can 100% see how his behaviour triggered you to ‘lose it’: OK, learned behaviour from his Dad but the learned behaviour is dismissive, contemptuous disrespect.

When things feel calm enough you can explain this to him, and talk to him about good manners being about being caring and respectful of each other, and that ignoring people and pointing is treating people like dogs. Tell him that in families people need to make each other feel important and treasured, it’s ok to disagree, it’s ok to say ‘can I do something else now’ but refusing to listen or being unpleasant isn’t OK. Tell him you know he doesn’t mean to treat you as if he doesn’t care about you, and that is why you are telling him how we need to behave towards each other. And that is why you are saying dirty for throwing his cards. But now you have explained, and replaced his cards, if he is so rude to you again you will remove a card each time.

Sorry but the pepper experiment sounded boring

Only to someone with no interest in how things work.

I think taking away privileges (that they can earn back) from children who need to learn respect is one thing, but destroying possessions is another, and is really not okay. It teaches them that it's fine to break/ruin someone else's things, and also that you are not in control of your anger, which is scary for a child. He bought those with his own money. How awful. He's 7, he doesn't know he's being rude, he has learned that behaviour from his father. Even if he does know, at 7, that he's being rude, bullying is not a valid way to discipline in my opinion.

Only to someone with no interest in how things work.

I read it thinking fuck me that’s dull and I really enjoy how things work.

@op I did have a little bit of a chuckle as it's something I can picture myself doing. In fact I'm surprised I've never done it. It's so hard when you're doing everything you can to feel like you're being the best parent you can be through all of the shit that life brings, and then they just go and test you. I'm finding 7 to be a really challenging age in terms of rudeness and disrespect.

You're not a robot you're a human being. Bloody hell the number of times I made my mum go ballistic and do something like this, yet I look back at my childhood fondly and know she loves me implicitly.

In 10 years time you will all laugh about this, honestly 💐

The OP knows she was in the wrong guys - she wasn't asking in AIBU.

@IAmFleshIAmBone

OP knows. She knows.

She really hasn't asked anyone if "bullying" is the way to go. She already knows.

What she needs is a bit of empathy and reassurance, which thankfully most of us are capable of giving, because we're human.

Clearly no-one thinks it was ok. But we've all (saints aside) had parenting moments under stress we'd rather forget. And her son was incredibly disdainful- no, it wasn't the right reaction but it was bloody understandable.

There's some available on eBay that look ok.

Crikey no wonder some of the students I teach in school are rude, entitled and disrespectful. If someone is directly talking to you; would you just turn heel and leave the room? Then roll your eyes at them?

He was being rude to you and disrespectful. Whilst throwing something out the window was not ideal I do think he needed to understand that behaviour like that is not appropriate.

He will never forget what you did and yes it was abuse. You are the fucking grown up

Oh give over.
She lost her shit, like many of us do from time to time.
Her child has just learnt exactly where THAT line is. He’ll maybe respect it next time.

DotBall. Successful, if imperfect parent to 23 year old who knows where his mum and dad’s line is.

I can really only see this from the child’s perspective. His parents are splitting, the behaviour he sadly witnessed at home was not ok when you were together, nd that’s what he’s mimicking, and now He’s getting punished for it harshly.

Op when your ex treated you like this what did you do? This is key, this boy has learned this behaviour is acceptable. If you didn’t kick off when his father did it, you need to explain to him why it’s feels like it was ok for his dad to do it but not him. Because right now he won’t understand

Thanks jojobythesea. I order a bunch last night from eBay and let ds choose some new ones from eBay too which he’s very happy about. Normally he just buys the individual packs of 5 which just have completely random cards in, didn’t realise you can order specific cards from eBay for around a pound each.

I’ve apologised properly to ds, said I completely lost my temper and didn’t mean to react in such a hurtful way. I just grabbed what was near and that happened to be his favourite thing 🙁. We had a good chat and I promised I’d try not to lose my temper again.

Dh decided ‘not to risk’ seeing dc’s today because of coronavirus (he has no health issues and has expressed no concern when commuting by train all week ). Anyway, we had a really nice day and hopefully it’s all as ok as it can be now.

I've been there and done very similar. I've been depressed/anxious for about 4 years and I know my behaviour wasn't right but it was the same situation as you.....rudeness. I just won't tolerate it and I normally punish calmly and justifiably. But I have deleted multiple recordings of a favourite cartoon and I have taken the PS4 away in a total rage and threatened to sell it. I have reasoned, then reasoned then lost my shit in a millisecond.
My son still loves me and comes to me before his Dad. We've laughed about the cartoon incident. I think you need to sit him down explain why you saw red, explain the behaviour that turned you like that, work out what you both need to do to endure it doesn't happen again. It's been 3 years since DS 'lost' his PS4 for the 7 weeks of the summer hols....I use that as a final warning about what'll happen if he doesn't amend his attitude/cut the rudeness/simply not do what he's been asked.
Divorce is a huge stresser, cut yourself some slack and cut your DS some slack too, he's probably struggling too.

We had a good chat and I promised I’d try not to lose my temper again.

Glad to hear this but I hope DS also promised not to be contemptuous and disrespectful towards you again.

Alexa yes, he did. And he was very apologetic for waving me out of the room as Dh did - I always called Dh out on doing that so he is aware it’s not acceptable behaviour. Ds was really, really lovely about it though. He said ‘it’s ok, we’re all just a bit sad at the moment’ which made me sob. He’s a really good boy.

It's never too late to draw a line and start again. Go and give him a hug and say sorry but also say why you were frustrated. This generally works for me. You're only human and he is too, give yourselves a break

OK, and now you should give yourself a huge pat on the back for turning this around. Well done. You're teaching your DS some really valuable lessons here. You can break the patterns set by your ex and I'm sure you will.

I apologise for being harsh last night, it touched a nerve with me because my late H did such damage to my DDs.

You handled that so well OP. .

@nastyoldbag I think your son's reaction to your apology says something very positive about your relationship.
X

Well done, OP.
He sounds like a lovely boy.

All's well that ends well - these things happen I did something similar when mine was younger but I didn't back down 'cos he was being cheeky little bugger. I felt awful bout it at the time but it's not like at thug age you can put them in the naughty corner.

He was very apologetic for waving me out of the room as Dh did - I always called Dh out on doing that so he is aware it’s not acceptable behaviour. Ds was really, really lovely about it though. He said ‘it’s ok, we’re all just a bit sad at the moment’ which made me sob. He’s a really good boy.
I'm glad it ended well and it just goes to show, we all lose our cool sometimes, but you are getting it right and bringing up a caring little boy right there.

I’m glad it’s all ended well OP.