Child repeating and repeating until I snap

[Blutterflies]

Exactly that really. I don’t know how to stop this behaviour and this morning I cried, in front of her because I don’t know how to stop it and it can go on for hours.
Background- she is number 2 of 4. Number 1 grown up, other two younger but within a few years difference. She is 8 years old.
She can be very well behaved but has ‘moments’ where I feel helpless.
So, children misbehaving for dp at bedtime last night, getting out of bed (3 separate bedrooms) keep going to toilet etc he says that if they fail to stay in bed and go to sleep he will not be making pancakes for them today. They carried on, eventually went to bed. All asleep by 8.30 so not horrendous but later than expected.
This morning child in question asking for pancakes. I explained why they weren’t having them. Other two children fine, she carried on “mummy?” “Yes?” “Can we have pancakes” “no, the answer is no and you’ve been told why” “mummy?” “Yes?”.............
“Mummy?”
“Mummy?”
“Mummy” I am ignoring by this point and have explained to her that I am not going to answer this same question.
We do spelling and reading in the morning so I try to distract with that, refusal. I write a note in her books to say she has refused (I have been questioned by teachers before about her reading, homework, spellings that she refuses to do) she does not like that at all.
Child follows me round the house crying, pulling at my clothes still Mummy, Mummy, mummy.
I try and ignore her, deal with others, praise them for how sensible and well behaved they’ve been (which they have) this enraged angry child even more. She then starts calling sister stupid. All the while still doing the mummy mummy business and grabbing me.
I lose my fucking shit. Grab her by both arms, scream in her face “you are not having pancakes, not now, not later. Stop grabbing me”
Child stares blankly, “Mummy?”

how is she so “normal” the rest of the time? This is what I don’t get, if there was a problem or issue it would be like that the whole time. Every time I said no would be a kick off, every refusal would be drama but it isn’t. It’s just sometimes.

That is a good question. One possible answer is that it could dependson how she is feeling at the time and what else has been happening. Sometimes a request or refusal can be "the last straw" that triggers a blow-up. Maybe she is tired that day, maybe school has put a lot of demands on her during the day, maybe something went wrong at sport club, and she coped with everything so far but this is the "one more thing" that tips her over. On a good day, when she's feeling calm and everything else has been going well, she copes with the same problem just fine. And they might not be obvious things.

My DS had a pattern of behaving unexpectedly well followed by unusually badly - he could behave very well for a while in some situation that he found challenging, but then he got tired by it and blew up. For a long time this fooled me into a cycle of "oh he's doing really well, I didn't think he'd cope with all that, maybe the problems are solved or he's outgrown them" followed by an almighty disappointment! Until I understood what was happening.

And thinking about it... it's possible that the repeated questions are a warning sign that she is feeling stressed and not coping and that there's a storm on the way. That's her relief behaviour. You may be able to divert her and calm her, or it may be time to batten down the hatches....

It's incredible how much our children can make us suffer. And they do it deliberately in a power battle to get their own way.
Being a parent is absolutely hideous at times. If an adult treated us the same, that would be it. But no, then you are advised to love bomb them and bend over backwards to try to help them change. It sucks to the end of the earth and back again.

How can you like someone who is abusing you and annoying you? It doesn't make sense. We are human with our own needs that are being trampled on, day in, day out.
She totally deserved to be locked out in the garden for a while. Don't give in to her.

Because they are your child GettingUntrapped, with a child’s logic and emotional responses, dependent on you for nurture.

Washing your hands of a child because of how they behave is an appalling betrayal of your role as their parent.

OP

Just a suggestion, try keeping a diary, I would not be surprised if this occured every 4 weeks, and probably just before your period.

I started my periods at 11, but I certainly had a 'cycle' of some sort for at least a year, and it synced with my mums. The teen years were not fun for either of us.

I didn't say anything about 'washing your hands' of badly behaved children.

However, putting a stop to bad behaviour with consequences is surely better for everyone.

I see layers and layers of guilt tripping though.

I think it helps to not take the cruelty (child to parent) personally. All children can be cruel and absolutely selfish. That's just how it is.

Sometimes punishment can build frustration/resentment if child struggles to coform and less likely to bring about positive behaviour. Its good to have a reward but more likely to work if happening very soon, not aa likely to work if the reward is next day or seems too far away
You could start to have a pancake day weekly and get them to do a simple chore each beforehand. Use as opportunity to get them learning to help a bit more, and then have fun making & sharing pancakes.

So, "when you have ..emptied bin, or swept floor or wiped table, then....you can help make pancakes. etc
I would try to hold onto all those opportunities for special celebration days and routine weekly family treats, but get them to do simple chores immediately beforehand, then reward with pancakes/ video night/ picnic or whatever Family fun and special occassions strengtgen your bond and make good behaviour more likely. Ideally they will feel nurtured and treasured, and more likely to complete the simple chores when more immediate reward coming. Win-win

Its tough being a parent and crap sometimes

For the younger children, the punishment was that they would miss pancakes. End of. (Unfair to give a delayed punishment, but that's already been discussed).

As DD is slightly older, knowing that she wouldn't be having pancakes would also punish her socially at school. She knew, even if she couldn’t articulate it, that she would be unable to contribute to any discussions with her friends around pancakes, and it sounds like that could be a big deal to her.

Make an appointment to speak to the Senco at school. They should
be able to refer you and DH onto a parenting course. This would give you time to work in a structured way with DD, give you appropriate strategies to try, and an opportunity to share how things are going. You will also be able to reflect on how you were both parented and how you will parent together.

This doesn’t mean you are a bad parent, if you were you wouldn't be trying to improve. However, you would be better off having some proper input rather than a range of suggestions, particularly as, of those you've been given, the one you responded most positively to was the most unsuitable (repeating back what she says).

Oh god, my eldest was like this. In the end the only way I got through it was to try and lighten the mood, as much for myself as for them. So I'd keep repeating no but would sing it accompanied by a crazy dance, or see how many languages I could say it in, or make up a song about how my child doesn't listen, or make out that they must have a hearing problem so would bandage their head with a tea towel and keep giving them magic kisses until they were better. By which point they were either laughing or thought I was demented and stayed well away.

Love it, TeeBee A friend of mine used to say to hers, "You know I can't hear you when you whine", and it was surprisingly effective. It didn't stop her DC bugging her, but at least that they didn't do that "Mummeeee" whine that sets your teeth on edge.

I found it easier ~only on some days~ to think my DC was "connection seeking" instead of "attention seeking".
Same shit, different name, but it meant I reacted differently.
Still nearly broke me