To feel the school day has taken over my life

[Kitkatcuppa]

Hi everyone. I think it's probably just everything changed at once. But I'm feeling abit meh about everything and feel abit stuck. I stopped working five years ago and had my first child. We live comfortably of my partner's wage and I'd be working to pay for childcare. Also we don't have family to help so I have nobody to have the kids for illness etc.

I have two kids now. 2 nearly and 4. The 4 year old started school in September. Her school is a mile walk and I don't drive. The walks not an issue and happy enough with the school but I feel like the week is just repetitive and boring and Sundays are ironing uniform and packing bags and preparing for Monday.

As soon as my child started school the weather changed. Obviously you expect it. But we went from going to the park twice a week, a trip to town, loads of walks and visiting family and friends to this.

6.15 I get up
7.00 the kids get up
Hour of rushing
8.05 we try and leave.
8.40 the gates open. I take her in and walk home for 9.10am

I usually have pots, washing etc to do. Never go to the parks now as it's muddy, freezing icy and the toddler has been in the pushchair on the school run for an hour and is now angry and wants to be warm. He won't wear a hat to make life harder lol.

If we are at home all day (which we are) it's all about housework and tidying. I don't get much time at all to play with my son as my partner's never home until 8pm and evenings are hell. I'm always chasing my tail to get stuff done only for the kids to make a mess (which I expect) then at 2.45 I leave again to go collect my daughter and get back in at 4.

I miss our old lives so much. I hate these depressing cold wet muddy days and not being able to take my son out. All my friends work or I see my best friend on the school run but she's busy. She goes jogging and into town as her one daughter is now at school. I just feel so lonely. My mum lives real close but she never comes to me and often will say she's ironing or something. I dunno it's abit rubbish. Roll on spring.

I can't even go into town because my son will cry after the school run because he wants to play 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP, the school run will get better. You will all get more used to it. It is very normal that reception children are tired after school and don't want to do anything else when they first start.
How long does it take you to walk the mile to school? Can you find a way of speeding up your DD so it doesn't take 35 minutes? A scooter maybe? Then your DS won't get so bored. Nor as cold.
Do you have a bus service where you Iive? Can you get a bus straight from school to something or somewhere different? If you look at a bigger distance you might find more free or cheap things you can do. And get more adult company!
As for DS's nap time and toddler group, the nap time will change over time so it's not a 'never', rather a 'doesn't suit us right now'.
You said you used to see friends and family during the day. Why can't you do that now? Can you go straight from the morning school run?
Does anyone else from school live nearby? Could you maybe have after school playdates once a week or so? It doesn't need to be high octane - they can just eat something together and giggle at CBeebies if they are tired.

This is what life is with a family - monotonous and repetitive unless you make the decision to step off the wheel.
Why not take two days off housework a week? My house gets cleaned once in a blue moon, we're all still alive.
Allocate these days to plan trips out with your little one. Once these days are gone they are never coming back and soon they'll both be at school and your days will be the same for the next fifteen years!
There's no secret - nothing will change unless YOU make it.

Have you got a bike? My son loved being on the back of mine when he was 2. Probably not practical for the school run but could get you to other places (like groups, park etc) faster and get you home for nap time if he is fed up with push chair
Have to say, I got fed up with pushing a pram everywhere. I'm not a great cyclist but didnt take long to get used to the balance and I did quiet pavements until I was confident with roads. I know they're not for cyclists but people are more understanding if theres a child in board. Just give way to pedestrians!

This wont be for too much longer. Your toddler might manage on a balance bike for some of the way. You can get very light ones if you need to put him back in the push chair. Might make it more fun for him.

Winter is rubbish!

Thanks for pointing out my life's shit though. Point taken!

You're life is not shit though, infact you have a pretty good life. You have the choice of whether to be a sahm or not, you have 2 kids, one who is now in school for a good few hours a day so you just have 1 to look after.
You are making it harder than it needs to be, and yes, you are making excuses.
If your ds is cold in the pram, wrap him up warmer. If he is crabbit, let him out to walk some of the way home or head out after school drop off. It doesn't rain every day. I live in the west of Scotland, it doesn't even rain here everyday.
Either you are depressed and need to see a doctor, or you are making excuses.

Another SAHP here OP. I’ve been where you are, like you can’t see the wood for the trees. I have been a working parent, and although for me I much prefer being at home, working out of the house definitely has it’s benefits. The kids aren’t at home with you all day to constantly make a mess, so you come home to a tidy house. I think you just focus more on what actually needs doing, rather than it becoming a slog of doing bits here and there all day. I can definitely fill my days not really achieving anything now I don’t work, but I was quite efficient when I worked!
One thing that really struck me though was what you said about it having time for a coffee with another school mum. I have felt huge mum guilt on numerous occasions as I have taken my children along to things that they didn’t want to do, but I did! I do a lot of socialising with friends, and now all of my children are at school, those friends are still there. I’m sorry to say, but the people who constantly turned down invites, soon got put to one side, as there are other people who will gladly have a coffee/go to soft play etc with me. I don’t mean that to be nasty, but people don’t want to make friends if it is going to be very difficult for them from the word go. Please take your friend up on her offer and you might find other friendships will springboard from there. And it is my friends who keep me sane day to day!

I'm in a very similar position (only I do actually have a drivers license but my mental health isn't up to driving at the minute).

Less cleaning/ironing and more time doing things with your toddler/for yourself. Also let the little one walk part of the way to tire him out. Are there any toddler groups in the same location as the school? For example tomorrow, I'll walk my son to preschool (1.5 miles) then me and 18 month dd will go for breakfast in the bakery and then to a group before walking home. Means I get some adult company/she gets to run around a bit and it breaks up just being stuck in the buggy for an hour and a half.

I think driving IS key here because then you can go far and wide to entertain the toddler. I’m thinking of all the things I did when mine were small - indoors playgrounds on a truly awful day, lots of gardens as they have loads of room to wander and usually a nice tea shop!, swimming, baby gym type classes, library reading sessions, going off to see a friend, even just getting out to a coffee shop to break up the day. I think you need to find some money to do a lesson every fortnight or something and do it slowly over the winter?? I agree though, I hate the winter even now with older children as they are in so much more, they key is definitely trying to get out once a day.

"learn to drive"
Yeah cos that's so cheap and easy. Lessons, car, insurance, new car seats, petrol, mot....
That's a lot of money. Maybe the OP has that money - we don't know. But it is so iratating and patronising to always have that as the 'that will solve everything' solution.

Bit pointless if the OP isn't coming back but what can your partner do to help?

Without knowing your situation, and what he does already (sounds like not much?) I can only guess and suggest but

1. school run in the morning. Even if only once a week on toddler group day, it could help you plan your week?

2. get home before 8pm once a week. Is he really working and/or commuting till 8pm every night? It's not unheard of for some people to slope off to the pub between work and home and blame the boss/late trains.

3. take on some domestic load eg washing, packed lunches, cook dinner etc

4. meet you and DS for lunch occasionally to break up the day

Just to clear some questions/sarcasm I'm being thrown. Also thanks for the nice responses who have nice advice and suggestions.

Last winter was easier because..... My child was at home most the week. So therefore we could go out in puddlesuits and we did that weekly. We went out in all weather's. My son's two at the end of the month and he is out in this cold weather two hours a day on the school run. He's cold and wants to get out

He does walk abit on the way back. He's not stuck in there the whole way but it rains alot at the moment and it's icy and windy so there's many days we can't go to the park all wrapped up.

In the spring and before my child started school we walked to a park 20 minute walk away. We feed ducks and do all the suggestions.

The cafe in a park is not in a play park and I was offered to sit inside this cafe. It's a small one and my son wouldn't be able to run about in their.

He can't ride a scooter etc yet. He's still not got into that yet as in the summer he was only 1.5 years old and still dinky. Obviously things will improve as he gets older and develops road safety.

To walk to town after the school is another 20 minute walk which again is fine when it's warm and not lashing it down. But to take him to the shops when he's already done the school run and it's not nice would mean he would get fed up.

I have plenty of ideas once we've got through this crappy weather.

I don't have a £100 spare and time for lessons each month but we are still comfortable. We eat each month and our daughter has swim lessons, we have national trust cards, my partner runs a car and we can afford clothes etc when we need them. We don't struggle but I can't run a car at the moment. Im sure you will find a reason this is an excuse but you don't know me.

Ironing is because she wears a kilt and polo shirt that is being dried inside due to the weather being shite. On the summer I iron less. I iron when things are fucking creased not because i am obsessed with ironing! Forgive me for not wearing creased tops.

Sunday is the day I iron uniform for my child partner and my tops. So it takes an hourish. My partner watches the kids.

People saying I'm leaving myself vunerable not working. My partner and I are in a very happy ten year relationship and he is one of the nicest guys. He would never leave me unsupported until I got sorted in life. We have a strong relationship and if we did seperate we would absolutely be friends anyway. He's not like that and I would deal with it when it happened. He would do anything for me and our kids.

I have made some mum friends at the gates. We are having a playdate in 2 weeks at one of the ladies houses. Weve already talked about meeting up when it's warmer as she also feels the same way.

Softplay is right up the other end of town and pretty grim so we tend to go out of town for it at a weekend.

Swimming I don't do personally and it's not close to us.

I can access everything from where I live that I need within half an hour but we've never had a child at school until now and as I've already said that's taking two hours of the day.

The person who said why do I have to wait around at the school so long. We leave at 8.05. get there at 8.35. Gate opens at 8.40 and I leave the school at 8.40 and get home about 9.10am. I walk back with my friend who lives on the next street.

She goes into town and the gym because she drives and can go in the car on these crappy days. She's someone I spend alot of time with in the spring.

My house is not disgusting nope. Just I try keep on top of it all each day otherwise it can turn to a tip in a couple of days.

Yes I'm still adjusting to her being at school.

Life is not a competition

Yes I might well look at doing a course from home next year. When both kids are at school My hope would be to be a support worker in a hospital.

I do like being a sahm I'm just feeling abit stuck with all this awful weather and school runs.

My son plays, sleeps and watches Tele and comes on the school runs. At the weekends we go out to places or see family.

The people saying that child needs to get out and run about. Up until the last two months he was out loads! He isn't trapped with an unmotivated mum.

I am going to put more effort into playing with him though and I have taken onboard the nice comments and helpful suggestions.

I'm not sure why someone said I've isolated myself. Hardly fair. I worked for ten years. But most of my friends work and have family helping them out. I never planned to be isolated!

I tried to learn to drive when I was younger and I plan on getting back into it. Whilst my partner is supportive and holding us all together money wise I don't want to take his money for things like that and when my youngest starts childcare I'll have more time and space to look into my life.

I think I've answered as much as I can. It's very easy to say I've gone to elevenirefe because ive been to tenirefe. Just because you work and see your kids at night and do your housework yourself doesn't make you more than me. Your kids arnt home to trash your house and someone else is feeding them etc. We are doing out best!

P.s My partner works 7am until 8pm he does security work and he's very busy. He's not at the pub

Also, as others have said, a more active walk to school could help a lot. Get DS to walk more to keep him warm and less bored. Or get a trike you can push so he can ride (then he has to wear a helmet which solves the hat issue). Or get yourself a bike and trailer.

Can you catch a bus to town from school? Invite friends back to your house? Or have your partner drop you both at school early and play in the park with both children before school?

I think it's the change in routine that's got you, and it will take you a while to put a new routine in place. If you really are stuck in the house, plan some craft or baking activities to shape the week. Invite a friend over to share the fun and the mess. Book something into the weekend to stop it all feeling blah. It will get better I promise.

Sometimes it’s about balance and both parents sharing the load, rather than one (nearly always the mum) doing all the childcare and housework...
Yes. That's why I suggested her OH help more...

I agree with all you said icanhearapindrop I can easily fill a day with faffing if I'm not at work ! Also about the mum guilt. Yes, you are allowed to do things just for yourself and the kids have to tag along.
I'm not surprised about the state of the environment and the traffic now, because there seem to be so many people who just cannot fathom how life can work without a car! She can't afford it right now, sooo...
Toddlers can be quite happy with a game of Bitey Wolf (TM), the sofa's a boat, indoor tents, playdoh, dressing up and train tracks. You just have to be prepared to get down on the floor with them a bit ...and make some mess sometimes.

I hope you come back OP and ignore the idiots. You're doing fine. 2 and 4 is hard work!

I am a SAHM with the same age DCs and a baby. I found having a multicooker a lifesaver (Sage Fast Slow Pro) as I can put the ingredients in and it cooks by itself whilst I do other things.
Tackle one or two rooms a day in terms of housework. I put on a wash every evening but ironing is only done twice a week. You could plan a timetable and perhaps include a trip to the library and a play group. Our route to school isn't as long as a mile but takes 20 mins so I try to make the walk fun by singing nursery rhymes and give the toddler a soft toy to take on the way. Buggy boards or scooters are the way to go.

DH takes the DCs out for a few hours on Saturday so I can get a break and have some 'me' time. Perhaps you feel you are not getting a break from your DCs? Are you able to meet up with friends on some evenings to break the week up?

As an aside, driving would have made my life so much easier and I have a degree from a top 2 uni yet I've failed the test 9 times over 20 years 😂. If anyone has a miracle cure for passing driving tests please let me know 🙈 (I can drive but my mind goes blank on the day).

X post OP.

Op, some people have been bloody horrible here. Kicking someone when they’re down isn’t big or clever.

I took out a loan to learn to drive (did an intensive course) and it was so so worth it. I do wish I’d done it years ago as it’s totally life changing.

I totally get that by the time you’ve dropped kids at school, cleaned up a bit, it’s time to pick them up again. I did that too. It sucks.

Ignore the people who don’t all you do and work full time’. They don’t. They aren’t parenting while they’re at work. They’re not doing the school run while they’re at work. Nobody’s in all day messing up the house they tidied last night.

Say yes to the park and go to the playgroup. The nap will have to wait. Your toddler needs to get out and see people too. You can go to town. Get out and do things.

But sympathy. The school run does take over the day.

If you’re not married and not wealthy SAH is a massive personal risk and isn’t adviseable.

Way over 50% of partnerships break down. None of us can predict how relationships - even ones we think are great - will end up. Better to hope for the best but plan for the worst.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack and ignore the shitty comments. Remember this weather won't be forever.

"People saying I'm leaving myself vunerable not working. My partner and I are in a very happy ten year relationship and he is one of the nicest guys. He would never leave me unsupported until I got sorted in life. We have a strong relationship and if we did seperate we would absolutely be friends anyway. He's not like that and I would deal with it when it happened. He would do anything for me and our kids."

I'm not looking to have a go, I think you've had enough of that. But I do also think you need to look at what you're saying here.

Every single day on this website, women post about partners leaving or cheating, and more often than not they DIDN'T see it coming, and would have said exactly the same as you the day before they found out.

You might be with the nicest guy in the world .. but also you might not .. and to not work at all and build up a pension for yourself is something that would quite frankly scare me.

My aunty and uncle have just split after 40 years of us thinking they were a perfect couple (and my aunty thinking the same) because he cheated and left. No signs whatsoever. They don't speak anymore.

I'm sure everything will be fine, but to have absolute blind faith in someone's nature is something I would always warn against.

Have your own money, your own income, and know for an absolute fact that you could survive if he wasn't there.

FWIW I think the situation you describe in your post about what your days are like is what many people's days are like with young children. It's unfortunate if you don't enjoy it, but it's not forever.

Yep, mine were the same. Utterly exhausted after school so just needed to get home for dinner and bed.
Weekends arguing about homework and reading books. It’s crap.
But the holidays are lovely and you have to grasp them. It does get easier in the summer. It’s weird them having a life away from you after you bring their world. But you do adjust and it does feel easier.

It’s not “shitty” to encourage OP to focus on what matters. Money and earning ability really do matter.

Oh for fuck sake my relationship is stable and we are not going to split up. This is not about me going to work and making sure I can take care of myself. Plenty of women take care of their children for a few years

This website is full of bitchy no it alls and I'm logging out now and won't be back.

Not the point of this thread but it's worth being informed of the difference between being married and just living together in different scenarios. Also as a SAHM my DH is always transferring me money and it's nice not having to worry about capital gains tax.