Dad not allowed to ask questions at weighing clinic!?

[mareylu]

I've recently started working again and for that reason my husband has to take our daughter to the weighing clinic when needed. He did it for the first time today and had a few questions about weaning etc, and I wanted him to ask a few questions on my behalf about breastfeeding.

The woman flat out refused to answer any of the questions because he wasn't the child's mother. I am absolutely livid. Is this how it's meant to be? How am I supposed to get my work done if he isn't allowed to help out (they did weigh her tbf, but could really do with someone answering our questions)? How is he meant to look after our daughter if they aren't allowing him!? I'm so confused and angry.

Have any of you experienced this? Are dads not meant to take their babies to the weighing clinic, is it for mums only!?

And who is it that actually runs the weighing clinics normally, are they health visitors?

Pregnancy and early parenthood are times at which domestic violence including emotional and financial abuse as well as coercive control very commonly start or escalate.

I do wonder whether something about the way the 12 week old's baby approached asking about breastfeeding and weaning triggered something on a checklist for warning signs the HVs have to follow.

Health Visitors are supposed to be screening informally for warning signs of domestic / intimate partner abuse, it's part of their professional role as intimate partner and domestic abuse impact children very negatively.

It's not impossible that the OP was already on their radar for being at risk for some reason - whether of abuse or of postnatal depression (and there's some correlation between the two issues).

*the 12 week old baby's father, not the baby obviously!

I absolutely 100% agree father's should be able to take their babies for their vaccinations, obviously.

Asking about breastfeeding/ stopping breastfeeding without the breastfeeding parent present is absolutely different though. It's disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

“ So, if baby.is being mixed fed isn't it far enough for a SAHD to maybe have a question about how.much formula the baby needs for example?”
Yes of course. But the OP said she had specific questions about BF that she wanted him to ask “on her behalf” Which is a different thing.

Yes of course. But the OP said she had specific questions about BF that she wanted him to ask “on her behalf” Which is a different thing.

Well without knowing what the questions are it's impossible to judge. I've given you an example of a question a dad might have about breast feeding but you've just said that fathers shouldn't be allowed to discuss breast feeding full stop which I find odd.

There are 2 people in the breast feeding relationship - the baby and the mother. I don't see why the father can't discuss anything from the perspective of the effects on the baby.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras the father of a 12 week old asking specifically about stopping breastfeeding without the mother present could well trigger concerns about abuse and control. Health Visitors have to be in the lookout for abuse and control, it's part of their remit. Asking about weaning a 12 week old might be seen within that context if the breastfeeding questions came first, and especially if the OP is/ was logged as at high risk of postnatal depression or domestic abuse due to any other factors.

Is the op logged as being at risk then or have you just added that embellishment?

If a father isn't allowed to care fully for a 12 week old then I suggest that this isn't given as an option. Is mum.meantbto take time off work everytime the baby has a routine appointment? If dad has a question about weaning, or about doing mixed feeding then he has to ask mum to take time off work to go and ask the question on his behalf, even though as primary carer he would be the one having to implement the feeding regime? Can you see how unworkable your suggestions are?

You're basically saying that a SAHD isn't the primary carer of the CHD he's just a kind of stand in for mum rather than being a parent in his own right.

I find it extraordinary that people seem unable to see that there might (I say might) be issues around a father discussing bf without the breast feeder concerned being present. At the very least, the chances of misinformation must be quite high with question and answer happening at one remove. Surely the best thing is for the mother to ring and ask the specific breast feeding questions?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras It's not an embellishment, it's a possibility.

Breastfeeding is only done by women, the biology of it obviously dictates that and there is overwhelming factual evidence that women are at far higher risks of becoming victims of intimate partner abuse for the first time in pregnancy or early parenthood, and it's a fact that looking out for this is part of a health visitor's remit.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras the embellishment here is your last paragraph, in which you try to wo/man splain to me what I am "basically saying", by saying something totally different.

So, to those who think the the HV is right not to discuss feeding options with the Dad, what is the OP's options? There has to be some sort of system that allows for Dad's to be involved and no to place sole responsibility on the mother - and in this case to force the mother to not work to attend appointment while at the same time protecting mothers who may be at risk.
What, other than taking more time off work, should the OP do?

sillysmiles make a telephone call

For the specific BF questions she could give the HV a ring. All the rest- the dad deals with. Simple.

I find it extraordinary that people seem unable to see that there might (I say might) be issues around a father discussing bf without the breast feeder concerned being present. At the very least, the chances of misinformation must be quite high with question and answer happening at one remove. Surely the best thing is for the mother to ring and ask the specific breast feeding questions?

I find it extrodinary that you do to be honest. And good luck with all of the cuts finding a number to call, some counties even just have text message HV check ups.

Surely the best thing is for the mother to ring and ask the specific breast feeding questions?

But we don't know what the question was and nor does the HV because she point blank refused to discuss it so it might well be very relevant to dad being the primary carer. What if mum mixes up the misinformation and passes it on wrongly?

AgnesGrundy

No the embellishment is making out that the op is suddenly on a high risk register as being either depressed or in an abusive relationship when she has suggested neither.

“ and I wanted him to ask a few questions on my behalf about breastfeeding”
From the OP.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras there is considerable embellishment in your posts, which attempt by means of hyperbole to twist any narrative not yours.

There are reasons why health visitors may have been concerned and unwilling to talk about the OP breastfeeding in her absence via the intermediary of her husband. This has been explained but you don't want to hear. It's not useful to engage with you further.

BertrandRussell Yes, we can refer to the original post easily, since it's on every page. Here's the relevant bit for you:

"He [...] had a few questions about weaning etc, and I wanted him to ask a few questions on my behalf about breastfeeding.
The woman flat out refused to answer any of the questions because he wasn't the child's mother."

The staff member
a) refused to answer any questions - not just BF questions.
b) because he wasn't the child's mother - this is horrendous.

You can enjoy taking offence all you like, but the staff member was behaving inappropriately for a healthcare professional and this should be reported back to the clinic.

As I have said repeatedly, she should have answered the questions about weaning. But not the questions about breastfeeding.

and I wanted him to ask a few questions on my behalf about breastfeeding”

Which tells us nothing. It doesn't mean the questions were specific to the mum just that she wanted them answered.

There are reasons why health visitors may have been concerned and unwilling to talk about the OP breastfeeding in her absence via the intermediary of her husband. This has been explained but you don't want to hear. It's not useful to engage with you further.

Reasons which are entirely imagined by you in this instance as the op has not so much as hinted that they apply to her. You can explain as much as you like, it doesn't make you right and do please point out the hyperbole?

Is it hyperbole to say that if HV are going to refuse to interact with dads because they aren't mum (as was said in this case) then it in effect means that SAHD are redundant? We constantly here about women being expected to do the "wife work" and this is a prime example except that it's being sanctioned by a HCP and even some posters on here. Apparently dad isn't intelligent enough to ask a question and then relay the information back to mum and so, on top of working, she's now got to find time to track down a HV and get her to answer a question and then take time off work to attend future appointments because HV won't discuss anything with dad. Ridiculous.

All I at least, am saying is that she shouldn’t discuss bf with him. Everything else yes, but not bf.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras you're making things up! The irony is breathtaking. There are certainly no comments on paternal intelligence except from you! Nobody has said 90% of the stuff your writing...

Breastfeeding discussions need to involve the breastfeeding parent.

The HV did weigh the baby brought by the father but shut down the breastfeeding questions. We don't know how he "stood up for himself" and whether he was perceived as aggressive or bullying.

Health visitors have to be on the look out for abusive behaviour including coercion and controlling behaviour. Women are particularly vulnerable during pregnancy and in the early months after having a baby.

ihv.org.uk/for-health-visitors/resources/resource-library-a-z/domestic-violence/

Yes, saying stay at home dads would be redundant if health visitors didn't interact with them is hyperbole, unless you believe that the only or prime role of a sahp is to interact with health visitors.

you're making things up

What, exactly, am I making up?

The HV did weigh the baby brought by the father but shut down the breastfeeding questions. We don't know how he "stood up for himself" and whether he was perceived as aggressive or bullying.

But of course you're not making anything up there are you? Where does him being perceived as bullying or aggressive suddenly come from? Is it because he's a man?

The HV weighed the baby, yes, but refused to answer any questions including those about weaning. So he can't ask about breast feeding and he can't ask about weaning - why? Is weaning only the preserve of mums too? So the list of things that only mum can do.is growing. Maybe mums should be the sahp then eh?

He can ask about weaning. He can ask about anything to do with the baby except specific questions about breastfeeding.