Dad not allowed to ask questions at weighing clinic!?

[mareylu]

I've recently started working again and for that reason my husband has to take our daughter to the weighing clinic when needed. He did it for the first time today and had a few questions about weaning etc, and I wanted him to ask a few questions on my behalf about breastfeeding.

The woman flat out refused to answer any of the questions because he wasn't the child's mother. I am absolutely livid. Is this how it's meant to be? How am I supposed to get my work done if he isn't allowed to help out (they did weigh her tbf, but could really do with someone answering our questions)? How is he meant to look after our daughter if they aren't allowing him!? I'm so confused and angry.

Have any of you experienced this? Are dads not meant to take their babies to the weighing clinic, is it for mums only!?

And who is it that actually runs the weighing clinics normally, are they health visitors?

I think it's right they didn't talk to him about breastfeeding for various reasons connected to the fact that he's not the one breastfeeding and talking about your breasts without you there is unprofessional, goes against data protection and confidentiality and is just weird,

It's not really when breastfeeding is just another route to feed your baby and he is equally responsible for the baby.

From a bit of googling its suggested to wean somewhere between 17 weeks and 6 months in Norway. If your lo isnt showing signs of needing solids at 17 weeks then it's ok to wait a bit longer. What were your weaning questions?

It also depends on the breastfeeding question as a general question would not go against data protection/confidentiality issues

What do they do if a baby has two fathers, or the mother has died?

talking about your breasts without you there is unprofessional, goes against data protection and confidentiality and is just weird
What a load of rubbish.
It’s pretty clear the question relates to feeding and the DH was not asking the HCP personal questions about his wife’s breasts specifically

@dementedpixie Yes, that's right. We are slowly moving away from breastfeeding, and in Norway they say formula fed babies should introduce new tastes starting from four months. We just had a few questions around that as we've been combi feeding since birth, and like I mentioned I will be stopping breastfeeding shortly (long story..!).

In England, health visitors are commissioned as a result of the governments Healthy Child Programme. An important aspect of this is involving fathers.
In my area, a well baby clinic is the ideal place for questions about breastfeeding, weaning etc. In my area all parents are invited to an information session about introducing solids, prior to 6 months of age.

A good practitioner would have answered his questions, and/or directed him to appropriate resources.
The response he got was ridiculous.

Sometimes clinics can be very busy, and the staff can be under huge pressure to see everyone. But if this was the case, a good practitioner would have said "I'll get someone to get in touch with you", or "contact this number".

Personally, I would complain because a) you asked for advice and didn't get it, and b) because that practitioner needs some training.

“ What do they do if a baby has two fathers, or the mother has died?”
Unlikely to be talking about breastfeeding in those circumstances....

Or at least said that due to GDPR I can't specifically discuss your wife but ....and offered an alternative

Oh you don’t really need to ask the questions there though do you.
Just google.
Misses the point I know but hey ho! I just wouldn’t go back tbh.

OP I would get your DH to contact the main HV office and offer some feedback along the lines of -

'I brought my child to xx clinic and asked some generic questions about weaning today. I was told that my questions could not be answered because I am the father and not the mother. As I am now acting as primary carer, I feel this risked being discriminatory. Please can you clarify whether I misunderstood the situation? And if you do not deal directly with fathers, can you please explain why?'

That is direct but not rude and lets them save face if it is just one rogue employee.

However, I wouldn't be surprised. DH is a part-time SAHD and a few months back, took our DTs to a development clinic with the HV. Whilst there, he lost his wedding ring. They found it and very kindly rang to say so - only, they rang me not him, in a 'your DH lost his wedding ring, honestly, what are men like, do you want to come and pick it up for him' sort of way.

Funnily enough, I wasn't able to duck out of work to pick up his personal possessions!!!

Oh you don’t really need to ask the questions there though do you.

Really? Because Dr Google is more reliable that the HV?

The child's parents had questions about the feeding and weaning of their child and the HV refused to answer the questions for one of the parents.

There are two good reasons for not discussing bf with the father. 1) Not his body, not for him to discuss and 2) it would be so easy for the question and/or the answer to be mangled going through an extra person.

The weaning thing is strange. Unless he said “well, the baby’s mother wants to wean early “ and rhe HV said “Can you ask her to come and talk to me about it” or something like that.

Or at least said that due to GDPR I can't specifically discuss your wife but ....and offered an alternative

The father asking breastfeeding advice is not anything to do with GDPR.. The health visitor won't be loading up the OP's health records and can answer questions he gives her. The HV would be breaking confidentiality if she said 'oh yes. Last time your wife came in she told me that her left breast was tender and was getting some discharge' but just answering questions about feeding, weening off the breast etc in no way breaks confidentiality at all.

GDPR always gets thrown around, this doesn't apply to asking a generic question about BFing for goodness sake. If he was saying can you please dig around in my wife's medical notes and let me know if she has had anything recorded in there about BFing then yes (although that would likely be other laws); but asking a generic question about it doesn't actually involve giving any information about the OP, let alone any protected by GDPR. The attitude of the HV is basically perpetuating the notion that women should do women's work, unless the question was relating to something that could be twisted to use against OP to stop BFing when she doesn't want to or something, then I don't see the harm. Even giving info on groups to pass on, as long as they are in the public domain wouldn't do any harm, because he could have seen posters for them on the way in. My partner went to a weigh in, and he was grilled about why I wasn't there, and asked if I was happy with him taking our (operative word being our) baby out. I know some men are abusive and controlling, and they have a duty of care to the baby and the mother who is technically the patient (?) but for walk in clinics etc surely an ounce of common sense should be applied.

talking about your breasts without you there is unprofessional, goes against data protection
Hahaha! What "data" is being protected exactly? I dont have my name and date of birth tattooed on my boobs. Would it be "against data protection" if the dad asked about bottle feeding or changing nappies?

I wonder if you had a female partner who took the baby to be weighed and asked questions about feeding, if you would get the same response as she wouldnt be the biological mother? Sounds like this health visitor is a bit bratty or very old fashioned, maybe he could just try and talk to a different one next time.

Incidentally our HV service also have a text info service so you could see if they have a text or phone line that you could use to ask the questions you have.

I don't think he's relayed it properly.

The breastfeeding queries, I think it's right that advice is given direct to the woman breastfeeding for all the reasons given above.

It's not time to talk about weaning yet and if they already had concerns about you being "encouraged" to give up breastfeeding, I can understand why they wouldn't want to give weaning advice at this stage.

That said, if they do think they have reason for concern on that basis, I'd expect them to be getting in touch with you to check all is well.

I like @JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff's idea to send an email to the HV headquarters to clarify/flag up the issuen

They should have answered his questions and it may be worth calling to check why, as he is likely to need to take her again. The only reason I could think of is he is not on baby's record as father or they have not recorded if he has parental responsibility, in which case they would need to be careful about discussing things. If this is the case they should have explained it to him. They would need to update the record to show he has parental responsibilty, which you should asked them to do if he has it.

Utterly bizarre. Every time I’ve seen a HV at one of those clinics, she has summarised our conversation up in my daughters red book, including a lot of discussions round BF. If my husband took my daughter to weigh in, he’d have the red book and access to those notes!! (Obviously he has access to the book at home whenever he wants it!) I do not understand why they couldn’t answer his question: ‘my wife is thinking about stopping BF, can she go cold turkey or should she gradually reduce?’ for example could be answered by giving whatever the general advice would be - hardly personal! Even if he’d been asking about mastitis or something they could have told him what the recommendations are and suggested the wife saw a medical professional herself. As for refusing to answer weaning questions, weird weird weird. Especially if they let him have the child weighed!! Either he’s allowed to be the Carer or he’s not.

I’d complain, without kicking up a huge fuss. I can’t believe this HV was following any guidelines so she may need some retraining.

@EBearhug Gay Dad here, my son has a few health issues so fairly regular appointments. One consultant refused to speak to me as she preferred to speak to Mums. If she had bothered to read his notes she would know he doesn’t have a Mum, she also said it in front of him (he was three at the time) and he replied that he doesn’t have a mummy. We sat there awkwardly for a minute or so before she asked when his Mum would be there. When I explained that he doesn’t have a Mum she asked us to go and sit in the waiting room, she then referred us to a different consultant.

You would hope her attitude is rare, but one person ignoring a childs parent (whether mum or dad) is too many.

I remember when my DP took our son for some jabs they said he couldn't consent and rang to check I was ok with it !

Do you really want any father to be able to discuss his child’s mother’s breasts in her absence? Any father? Including the abusive, coercive arsehole ones?

Bert- what questions do you see as problematic? I can see why something regarding the woman specifically such as a sore nipple or something; but for general BFing advice, what's the issue? Would something like my baby keeps being sick after feeding, any tips for winding etc be okay?

Do you really want any father to be able to discuss his child’s mother’s breasts in her absence? Any father? Including the abusive, coercive arsehole ones?

So working mums who are still breast feeding need to take time off work everytime the baby needs weighing then, just in case the HV needs to discuss something?

Why can't dad discuss weaning?