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Original poster

Dad not allowed to ask questions at weighing clinic!?

130 replies

mareylu · 12/11/2019 16:19

I've recently started working again and for that reason my husband has to take our daughter to the weighing clinic when needed. He did it for the first time today and had a few questions about weaning etc, and I wanted him to ask a few questions on my behalf about breastfeeding.

The woman flat out refused to answer any of the questions because he wasn't the child's mother. I am absolutely livid. Is this how it's meant to be? How am I supposed to get my work done if he isn't allowed to help out (they did weigh her tbf, but could really do with someone answering our questions)? How is he meant to look after our daughter if they aren't allowing him!? I'm so confused and angry.

Have any of you experienced this? Are dads not meant to take their babies to the weighing clinic, is it for mums only!?

And who is it that actually runs the weighing clinics normally, are they health visitors?

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BertrandRussell · 12/11/2019 19:10

Any discussion about an individual woman’s breastfeeding experience should be with the woman.

BertrandRussell · 12/11/2019 19:12

“Why can't dad discuss weaning”
Of course a dad can discuss weaning.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 12/11/2019 19:15

Any discussion about an individual woman’s breastfeeding experience should be with the woman.

If it relates to the woman - yes.
If it relates to the baby - no

If it's a generic question - no.

It sounds like the op was wondering at what age solids can be introduced if baby is breast fed (as it sounds like Norway introduces solids earlier in bottle fed babies). How is that something that can't be discussed with dad? That's to do with the baby, not mum.

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ffswhatnext · 12/11/2019 19:16

Maybe ask him to go back next week with a list of questions to ask that aren't to do with food.
Although I would be very tempted to ask some questions that have very obvious answers.

If the hv happily answers then it could have been down feeding.
If is she still insists that you need to be there, then take it further.

codenameduchess · 12/11/2019 19:19

It's nothing to do with data protection and does not need the mother there to discuss general bfing/feeding questions, even if OP had asked her dh to ask what the HV recommends for sore nipples it's not an issue and isn't personal data or whatever else. Obviously they couldn't advise on something like the baby's latch because they couldn't observe it, but a genetic question about feeding or weaning shouldn't be a problem.

They were out of order and ridiculous to refuse to answer his questions, with more parents opting for shared parental leave this attitude has to change. What happens when more dads are taking time off and taking the primary care roles? Are they not allowed to attend weigh clinics or ask questions about the care of their children?

BertrandRussell · 12/11/2019 19:24

As I said, questions about weaning of course can be discussed with the dad.

BertrandRussell · 12/11/2019 19:25

And we can’t say they were ridiculous and out of order not to answer his questions because we don’t know what the questions were.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 12/11/2019 19:28

Well, at least one of them was about weaning which she refused to discuss, because he's not the mum. So ridiculous whichever way you cut it.

evilkitten · 12/11/2019 19:29

My experience was that health professionals find a father taking a child to appointments very odd, and they could be very funny about it. As an example, one wouldn't give MMR vaccine without the mother's consent, and insisted on ringing her at work. I'm pretty sure that doesn't happen the other way round.

juiceylu · 12/11/2019 19:31

I run these types of clinic and have loads of dads coming in to weigh and ask questions.

Tbh if a 12 week old baby is weighed, clinically as a nurse, you should be ask about feeding, poos, urine, are feeds well tolerated, etc. I've not had a dad who couldn't answer these questions, most have additional questions and many come with questions about breastfeeding from their partner.

The focus is on the well being of the baby. Asking how feeding is going and giving health advice is part of that.

I would give some feedback in writing or complain. Fathers are parents and the baby clinic is for parents.

scrivette · 12/11/2019 19:32

DH took DS for his 1 year check and the HV's were very 'off' with him and even said they prefer to see the mother. This was 8 years ago but I see nothing has changed.
DH actually looked after DS more than I did during the week as I was at work.

itsgettingweird · 12/11/2019 19:38

Sorry but am half laughing and half infuriated by a previous poster suggesting it's gdpr or confidentiality stopping them discussing your breasts.

This the 21st century and surely people realise BH now they aren't discussing her breasts but discussing one form of nutrition the baby is receiving and how that nutrition will carry on in the future.
The fact it comes from breast or bottle or even a run isn't actually relevant!

juiceylu · 12/11/2019 19:39

Vaccines are a bit different as not all fathers have parental responsibility.

Theres been cases of babies being taken for immunisations against mothers wishes, hence the caution and need for consent from the mother.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 12/11/2019 19:39

Are you married? I only ask as I remember when an unmarried family member had a baby all medical things related to the baby were addressed to the mother - the dad had to have written permission just to have the baby vaccinated etc

BertrandRussell · 12/11/2019 19:42

Not all fathers are nice and kind and have the best interests of the baby and the baby’s mother at heart.

Curtainly · 12/11/2019 19:43

Any discussion about an individual woman’s breastfeeding experience should be with the woman.

Unless it's asking if his partner is 'doing it right' so he can berate her or is abusive and sees it as justification for punishment (which is obviously abhorrent), then I really don't see the harm, personally. If it's a generic question about BFing which seems likely in this case due to the weaning question then it's ridiculous imo.

BertrandRussell · 12/11/2019 19:45

“
Unless it's asking if his partner is 'doing it right' so he can berate her or is abusive and sees it as justification for punishment (which is obviously abhorrent), then I really don't see the harm, personally.”
How can the HV tell what a father’s motivation is?

Callthemidwifeplease · 12/11/2019 19:45

At our weighing clinic you are to they cannot answer any health questions and you need to make appointments with HV or GP .

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/11/2019 19:47

It sounds stupid and annoying.

I’m still pissed off that a baby has to be registered at a GP surgery where their mother is registered. Caused me big problems when I tried to sign DD up to the local one her dad/my DH was at so she could have her 6 week check up and subsequent vaccinations. I was elsewhere for good reasons related to an ongoing health issue and that one wouldn’t take any new patients, including babies.

He’s her equal parent. On her birth certificate. Parental responsibility. But no. Didn’t count when we had to get her on the books.

PixieDustt · 12/11/2019 19:49

That's really odd OP!
My weigh in clinic you weigh them yourself but it's run by HV. I see a lot of dads/grandparents coming to weigh babies. But they are always happy to answer questions from a man or a woman

Curtainly · 12/11/2019 19:49

Bert- what I mean is that I can see why questions like that would be avoided, just in case. But struggling to see why no questions should be answered, even generic ones. Can you provide some examples?

Original poster
mareylu · 12/11/2019 19:50

Thanks for all your replies.

We are both registered as her parents at the children’s centre, and we’re married (although we don’t share surnames, dad and daughter do though).

They were really generic questions about breastfeeding and combi feeding (is she getting enough etc) that I don’t understand why she couldn’t answer (especially as she was getting weighed). Same about the weaning. Stuff we could google (like someone here mentioned), but prefer to discuss with a professional.

I find it quite sad, they’re not exactly encouraging dads to get involved!

For what is worth the woman he saw was an older lady. Very old school. The health visitors we’ve met in the past have all been quite young and I like to believe they would be more open to discuss things with him. Just found it really backwards.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 12/11/2019 19:52

Oh great. Now comes the ageism.

Lauren83 · 12/11/2019 19:53

Sorry if already said but with the breastfeeding maybe it was incase he didn't pass the advice on correctly, when I wanted breastfeeding advise at the weigh clinic they had to get someone specific to come and speak to me and she wanted to asses the baby latched on

Bol87 · 12/11/2019 19:55

I think you need to clarify if they couldn’t answer his questions or wouldn’t. As in, do they have a policy on not answering anyone’s questions on weaning/bf or were they being obnoxious?

I’m taking Shared Parental Leave with my partner this time & this makes me worried. I’d be quite happy for my partner to ask some breastfeeding questions and I’d fully expect a HV to professionally answer them!

NHS seem very back dated with fathers having responsibility for their children. Yes, of course there are deadbeat Dads but there are also a million loving ones out there trying to do their best, support their partners & be equal parents. I’d be pissed off too OP.