My child's presence annoys me so much I am starting to resent him - I'm scared!

[oldrosie]

I am really struggling with feelings against my adopted son. He irritates me so much that when he is around me my heart races and I want to scream. I don't scream btw. I just have these really hateful feelings towards him he annoys me so much and it scares me.

Every tiny little things he does annoys me. They way he talks, the way he acts, the way he plays dumb, they way he makes annoying noises, the way he hits the annoys the other kids behind my back slyly. I can't help but just not like him - even my mum says the same thing when she stays with us. I've tried different tactics like shower him with praise to give him confidence and the opposite to be harder on him and nothing works.

He is not particularly naughty just needy and attention seeking and I want to give him more attention but he just wants more and more of everyone and everything.

He has no interests he just walks round complaining about being bored and not knowing what to do. We suggest things and he just says NO. NO is his favourite word.

He is also very clingy and is always trying to hug and kiss me and that annoys me too because a second before he's just been annoying.

My other children act up but can reason with them and are charismatic and I love being round them.

I've tried to talk to my husband about this and he just adds to the problem by laughing at his silly behaviour and putting him on a pedestal.

Please say help I feel so stressed by this and it's been months now and it not got any easier.

@WinkyisbackontheButterBeer yes i do know bits about attachment and that's why I've got him into clubs, read him stories every night, give him loads of hugs and spend time with him more than the others but as you say it's wearing and also I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. Hence my upset!

@Daughterofspaz What the actual fuck? Do you think children are some sort of disposable commodity?

She's a child herself. Made a 'troll account for laughs'. Have reported.

He has no interests he just walks round complaining about being bored and not knowing what to do. We suggest things and he just says NO. NO is his favourite word

Why is he just walking around bored? Do stuff, keep him entertained, don’t suggest things say”put your coat on we are going.....” or get him to help with stuff, bake, make things.
Are your other kids younger? Just wondering why him walking round bored at 8 is a surprise.

No is him pushing boundaries, waiting to be rejected again I guess. Has he been with you long?

He is not particularly naughty just needy and attention seeking and I want to give him more attention but he just wants more and more of everyone and everything

He wants your absolute attention and reassurance he isn’t going to be dumped again. Love bomb him so he isn’t so insecure.

I worry about how somebody like you was allowed to adopt

I hope for the boys sake that you are a troll

AS is your friend here

Exactly @Lollypop701 . He is feeling desperately insecure.

Activities & clubs wont sort that out - he needs time, patience, unconditionall acceptance & compassion.

How long has he been placed with you

From what I remember of my own biological son (he's 40 now) they are all incredibly irritating aged about 8. They make stupid noises and often behave like little shits. My own child irritated the hell out of me at that age. The do grow out of it over he next year and become more grown up. What age was he when you adopted him OP. Are your other children adopted or biological?

I understand the iritated thing to an extend my DS can be very annoying, but the way you put your feelings across to come across as very worrying, perhap he needs some love bombing. Perhaps he is feeling particulalry insecure at the moment. he whole thing about being bored thats just kids isn,t it. Make an effeort to give him some one to one time. Perhaps just listening to him read, helping with home work. Cooking together ect.

How old was he when you adopted him?

@Pipsandpops i think you're right thank you for the advice. I think I probably need more help from my husband with the attention thing because I feel spread very thinnly. I did do loads of stuff with him but I have to admit because of these feelings it has got in the way slightly and Im just survival mode.

I have a daughter of 5 and a son (his brother) adopted 11.

And the 8 year old takes up the most head space, attention and work.

@
@june2007 i know how my feeling came across but that's how desperate I am of this situation. I feel awful and I can't help it and of course I'm upset by it. But I do think others feel like this about their own children sometimes and I am hoping it's a phase.

you’ve had some harsh replies here OP. I think everyone struggles sometimes (I do) and I think you’ve unfairly been given a hard time. No advice but just a hang on in there.

Thanks @BringBiscuits means a lot! I've had some good advice too so ignoring stupid people - tomorrow is a new day!

@Derbee someone like me? You don't know ME - you know this snippet into my life or feelings. I feel sorry for you that you would judge a mother of three - two of which are adopted (which is no picnic) who is feeling alone, desperate and frustrated with the perils of parenting. Shame on you.

Thank you @june2007 great advice

How long ago did you adopt him? Have you always felt like this or has it just been recently? I would be inclined to hope it is just a phase - children can be annoying and 8 is an awkward stage where generally they’ve outgrown the cute/ adorable stage but are still pretty needy and irrational. Obviously for your son there may also be attachment or emotional issues also coming into play making his behaviour harder still to deal with.

It does sound though like you are doing a lot of things right in terms of lovebombing etc. Do you have any support or anybody you can talk to? Maybe counselling for yourself would help you work through your feelings?

Yep, you carry on. An 8 year old adopted child with potential abandonment issues, whose mother thinks he’s a pain in the arse and wants to scream every time she’s near him.

But I’m sure enough after school clubs will sort it

This doesn't add up. Are these two boys children that you and your DH went through the adoption process to become parents to, or are you simply saying they are your DH's sons from a previous relationship? Huge difference OP

My DS is the same he is gradually getting better. Is he OK at school. He may have separation anxiety.

@oldrosie I'm an adopter with a nine year old son and a birth daughter. I am sorry this is so hard.

I would really recommend posting again in the adoption boards here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions

Can I also say, please do not be upset, but could it be possible you are suffering from post adoption depression. It's a bit unclear how long your boy has been with you. It sounds like your older son is adopted but your younger daughter is not, so I am not sure if you adopted your younger son after having your birth daughter and the adoption is quite recent.

I'd also really suggest you ask your adoption agency or local authority for some post adoption support, especially something like theraplay (which is a specific kind of play therapy).

You really do need someone to talk to since it sounds like your husband and your mum are not supportive. It's very tough because you need people to talk to but talking to mum, if she also does not like your son, sounds like it will not help.

You really need some outside professional help. Please do not delay.

My son has been with us for over 5 years. I love him to bits and, yes, he does sometimes annoy me! But I understand some of the reasons for some of his difficult behaviour. Please, please get some professional help.

My 8 year old is a pest right now. His brother went through a similar stage. Kids can be really annoying. I feel like you describe sometimes, usually when my hormones are making me vulnerable or when I've been too frenetic for too long. In my ideal world, we'd all retreat to some quiet meditation time and learn to hold our peace. In real life we have cross words then cuddles and apologies.

So your stepsons or adopted????

Talk about a dripfeed